(附中文版）
Recently while browsing 文學城 , I came across a few articles that provoked some thoughts around the concept of personal boundary, and the effect that cultural background has on one’s personal boundary.
One of the posts I read was about an individual’s encounter with a co-worker, who made a statement about Chinese people being crazy, after having a disagreement with the company’s Chinese collaborator. A few days later, the same co-worker made a disrespectful joke about the individual’s clothing. The writer was upset ， but was hesitant about communicating with the co-worker, as she felt awkward and didn’t want to say anything rude in response.
The first thought that came to me after reading the post was the issue of personal boundary, as well as the issue of communicating those limits to another person when the lines have been crossed.
An individual’s personal boundary is much like a property line that divides and marks off the ownership of one’s property. Personal boundary defines our internal limits; it protects who we are as an individual, and our rights and our sense of self. In our interactions with others and the world, boundaries determine which actions of others are acceptable to us and which ones are not.
We start to establish these limits as a child and they continue to evolve as we grow. Some people’s boundaries are relatively large, others are small, and still others have almost non-existent boundaries. There are many contributing factors to the size of our personal boundaries as well as how clearly we know about them; these factors may include individual personalities, parental influences, as well as the life stage we are in.
For those of us with immigrant backgrounds that straddle across two cultures, the factor of cultural background becomes especially relevant. Different cultures and their inherent value systems impact and shape our boundaries, as well as how we perceive and interpret other people’s boundaries.
Thinking back to my own days of growing up as a youth in
This physical closeness was also reflected in the way we interacted with each other emotionally in
For those of us who were raised in one culture but have now chosen to live in a different culture, we have also changed in the process of adjusting and adapting to this new environment. With the emphasis of one’s individuality in western culture, we begin to have an expanded awareness of who we are as an individual. With this expanded awareness, we embark on a search to reconcile the values we’ve learned from both cultures in order to integrate and re-define who we have become in this new environment. A search to look for the best of both worlds, a blend of eastern and western value systems that helps us to live a fulfilling and successful life in the West, while at the same time retaining our roots and those values from our Chinese culture that we hold close to our hearts.
In this quest of searching and adjusting, we come across the issue of personal boundary. From not knowing one or from an old and outdated one that no longer suits where we are, we come to define a personal boundary that fits for who we are now. Once we are clear about what our personal boundary looks like, we are then confronted with finding an effective and constructive way of communicating them to the people we interact with.
It is our right as well as our responsibility to protect ourselves, and to show others how to treat us by letting them know of our boundaries. In the above mentioned post, I think it is the boundary of respect that has been crossed by the co-worker. Respect for an individual, respect for someone else’s heritage background, to lump people together and make a generalized, stereotypical remark based on ethnic background is both unfair and disrespectful.
Equally important is our ability to communicate our personal boundaries when situations call for it. Our communication style is also influenced by our background.
Many of us grew up in an environment that did not encourage us to communicate our boundaries even when they have been crossed. On the contrary, one was encouraged to “tolerate”, to “save someone else’s face”, and to “sacrifice oneself for the benefit of the whole”. Such belief system is a roadblock to ways of effective communication. We either become suppressed or desensitized towards our own emotions and boundaries for fear of speaking up and offending someone, or by the time we are ready to communicate, we are like a volcano ready to erupt because too many incidents have been bottled up inside and we haven’t dealt with them when they first came up.
There are many effective communication reading materials and resources out there, the one I come across most often looks something like this:
I feel … (our feelings)
When … (a description of the behaviour that stimulated the feeling)
Because … (our boundaries)
I want … (what you would like to see happen, or a request)
The format doesn’t need to be followed exactly; it is more of a guideline to help you to gain clarity as to what it is that you wish the other person to know about your boundary, as well as a chance for you to ask them to stop the unwanted behavior.
Using the same example following this format, one could say something like this to the co-worker:
“I felt upset when you made that comment about Chinese people being crazy, because as a Chinese person myself, I would like respect for my heritage. I also want to point out that every individual is different and I don’t appreciate generalized statements made based on people’s ethnic origins…”
The objective here is to communicate our feelings and boundaries. Once we’ve done that, we’d then prepare ourselves to listen to what she has to say, one may be surprised by the response. We may get an excuse or an apology, either way we’ve stated our boundaries.
The key here is to be calm, firm, direct and clear, avoid communicating through hints or sarcasms. Most likely the person we’re communicating with in
Communicating this way isn’t an easy thing to do and it takes practice, but it is well worth it. The times when I followed my own advice and communicated this way, not only did I not offend anyone, but I actually gained more respect from the other person.
Having good communication skill is important especially in a professional setting. Many times, it isn’t the technical skills we possess that set us apart, but rather it is “soft” skills such as this that earns us acknowledgement.
中文版
最近，我在文學城上看見幾篇激起我感想的文章。這些想法主要是圍繞於一個人的界限感，以及文化背景對個人界限的影響。
其中有一個貼提到貼者最近的一個經曆，一位西人同事因為那天與中國合作方意見不和，放下電話就大聲說了一句中國人不可理喻的話。幾天後，她又對貼者說了一句嘲笑她大衣的話。貼者想要回敬她一句，但不知道怎樣把握這個尺度。
讀完以後，我第一個想到的就是一個人的界限感，以及當你的界限被他人幹擾後應如何明確地告訴對方。
“個人界限”就好比地產界線，它清晰地劃分出屬於每個人的區域。個人界限保護到我們作為一個人的基本權利，自由及尊嚴。因此在與他人交往的時候，個人界限往往決定我們是否能夠接納以及承受對方的行為。
一個人的界限感從小至大隨著環境的改變而演變。對移民來說，我們對文化背景對界線感帶來的衝擊感受更為深刻。不同的文化背景和價值觀不但影響我們的個人界限感，而且影響我們對他人界限感的詮譯。
回顧少年時在國內成長的年代，我的界限感是微乎其微。主要原因之一是因為中國人口眾多，居住環境狹小，所以私人空間幾乎不存在。大家為生存而忙碌著，顧及到的隻是怎樣吃飽穿暖。從當時的情況來說，這也是非常合情合理的。
從文化背景上來說，我們中國人之間的交流也是喜歡這種比較貼心，問寒喧暖的方式。這種溝通意在縮小感情上的距離，及至滿足我們心理上的需要。相對來說我們的個人界限感比較小，有時甚至根本沒有意識到它的存在。
移民到北美後，我們有了機會接觸到不同的文化，尤其是西方文化中很注重的“個人”這個概念以及人的獨立性，從而我們也就開始對這些概念有了逐步的認識。我想對我們這些跨越中西文化的移民來說，絕大部分人都希望能夠既可以在西方社會中生活地如魚得水並且融入當地，又可以同時保持自己的中國情結。這種平衡的，雙贏的，中西合璧式的價值觀是需要經過很多的自我探索和不斷思考才會被實現，這也可能就是為什麽我們覺得剛移民時的過渡階段艱難的原因。
這種價值觀的探索也包括對“個人界限感”的思考及明確。隻有通過這種探索，我們才會逐漸建立起符合自己價值觀的個人界限。然後便是探尋適合的渠道與他人溝通我們的個人界限，尤其是當這種界限被幹擾的時候。
保護自己不僅僅是一種權利，它也是一種義務，隻有通過溝通，你才能讓別人認識到怎樣正確對待你以及尊重你。以上述的帖子為例，那位同事不拘小節的說話方式忽略了對他人及不同種族的尊重，也就是說跨越了別人的界限。這種以偏概全的說法是不公平也是無禮的。
文化背景也影響到每個人的溝通方式。記得在國內時，我們被灌輸很多以“忍”為美德的觀念，另外還有說話給別人麵子，以及犧牲個人利益的思維。如果放在現在的環境中，這種思維無疑是人與人溝通之間的一種“障礙物”及心理包袱。但是在當時的這種教育下，我們學會了壓製自己的感情，壓製自己要說的話，因為我們不願意觸怒他人，不願意說出令別人失麵子的話。而當我們達到實在克製不住的時候，我們已經變得像一座即將爆發的火山，因為我們心中已經積累了那麽多一件又一件令我們不高興的“小事”。
網上及書店有很多關於人際溝通的資料。我在此與大家分享一個我常見的溝通方式。它大致如此：
I feel / 我覺得 ... （你的感受）
When / 當 ... （他人的行為）
Because / 因為 ... ( 你的個人界限 )
I want / 我需要 ... ( 你的要求 )
運用這個方式時，我們可以自己在語言上靈活掌握，無需按部就班，它隻是一個指南針，提供一個格式幫助我們向他人澄清及溝通我們的界限，並且要求他們停止我們不能承受的行為。
運用上述帖子裏的故事為例子，我們可以用類似這樣的方式與這位同事溝通：
“那天當你說了那句中國人不可理喻的話，我覺得很為此困擾及不愉快。作為一個中國人，我覺得我的文化背景應當被顧及和尊重。而且我不認同這種帶有種族偏見的說法。”
這裏溝通的目的是為了表達我們的感受及個人界限。接著我們就可以聽一下她的說法，可能她會給你一個藉口，也有可能她會向你道歉。但最主要的是我們已經表達了我們的想法及限度。
表達時的要點在於維持平和的態度，以及運用坦率明確但不偏激的語言用詞。避免運用暗示及嘲諷的交流方式。尤其是暗示方式，因為西人不懂得我們中國式的邏輯思維，他們沒有辦法按照這種思路來猜想我們的意圖。
正確運用人際交流方式不是一件輕而易舉的事，但通過多練習，它還是可以被逐漸掌握的。我本人在職場用過這種交流方式，不但沒有得罪人，反而得到了他人的尊重。尤其是在西人的專業職場，僅僅專業技術過關是不夠的，更重要的是能夠隨心所欲的運用正確的方式與他人交流。
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Very well said! Thanks for visiting and sharing your view. I love the peaceful energy of your message.
Good article! the abililty to say no is important
Now I am start to understand "the way to say no" is a great art, an art of truthful self expression and respect for others
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I am at peace with myself and my surroundings. I express my identity without imposing my will upon others. I see the differences in others as unique expressions that contribute more color and fragrance to the world.
I am free to express my creativity with unrestricted enthusiasm and joy. I give voice to my feelings and communicate with clarity and openness, I am a unique being, my opinions are of great value, and I share them fearlessly. I am imaginative and colorful in all I do
Thank you for your kind words and good luck with your New Year's resolution. Happy holiday to you too!
I'm glad you find this article helpful. Thank you for taking the time to post your feedback.
Sometimes, we choose to tolerate because we don't know how to communicate and express ourselves effectively. Many of us have never been trained how to communicate effecively. However, it is never too late. Being able to communicate with dignity, respect and calm is an art, it can certainly be cultivated over time.
All the best to you.
As I personally came across some occasions relevant to cultural difference before, I chose to tolerate them rather than expressed my thoughts like you pointed out in this post.But now, I feel much clearer of what I can do if confronted with similar situations again.
I do appreciate your effort in bringing this issue forward! And I can foresee many others can benefit from it as well!