Boys to Men, Coming of Age

As a typical Asian parent, I feel I’m not Asian enough. Why do you say that? You ask. Well, here is why:

1. I didn’t buy an expensive house in a district where public school is considered top-notch;

2. I didn’t expect my son to go to the Ivies;

3. I didn’t push my son to learn piano or violin or oil painting or tennis. He did play a tad of violin and a little tennis. But that was purely driven by his own interest, not mine;

4. I didn’t ask him where the other 5 points went when he brought home a 95/100;

5. I didn’t make him take SAT for the second time when he didn’t score that perfect 2400;

6. I didn’t make him to volunteer at the hospital or library or some professor’s lab when he needed those valuable “community service” hours;

No, I didn’t do many of “the things” that typical Asian parents would do to ensure the SUCCESS of their children. Hold on, don’t call me a hypocrite just yet. Deep down in my soul, I’m not any different than all the other ambitious Asian parents out there. There are only two reasons I can think of making me less typical in this regard:

1. I believe in “treat other the way you like to be treated”. All my life, I never possess any special gift or talent either artistically, athletically, or academically. I can’t carry a tune; I can’t draw; I’m not good at any individual or group sports; I never made to the top 5% when graduated from high school….. If I didn’t excel at any of those areas, why should I expect that somehow, that my gene would mutate magically to make my son any better? My parents didn’t expect me to go to the Ivy Leagues schools of China, why should I expect my son to go here?! By my not-very-high standard, my life has been pretty decent. I’d be at peace with myself if my son can do just the same.
 

2. I’m lazy and selfish. Being a full-fledged Asian parent means tremendous personal scarifies. Your evenings will be spent on the road driving kids from piano lessons to swimming meets to orchestra rehearsals to tennis matches; your weekends will be totally occupied by SAT prep classes to MathCount competitions to Science Fair projects to God-Knows-What-Other-Community-Service your kids choose to do and you are undoubtedly an integral part of. You got no life of your own, you became a satellite; and the last time you went to a movie with your spouse was before the kids were born. That, is not the life I’d choose. So I let go most of my “good Asian parent” duties.

I may not be a Tiger Mom but that doesn’t mean I’m not a responsible parent. To the country, I’m quite responsible when it comes to making sure my son hits all the necessary developmental milestones. No, I’m not talking about his height and weight percentiles here, I’m talking about his level of independence at different ages.

Starting from 3^rd grade, I no longer check my son's homework. He was made clear that he “owns” the completeness and quality of his homework; He was also made aware that getting up on time every morning and not miss ing the school bus was his responsibility, not mine. He didn’t like to be given any extra work, which was OK with me, as long as he can keep his grades all “A”s (see the Asian part of me now?). At 7^th grade, I sen t him away for an expensive 3 –week summer camp, and was pleasantly surprised that he learned how to do laundry at the camp. I never had to do it for him anymore . When he turned 14, I made him ride his bike to nearby business district and look ed door to door for a part time summer job . He started to work at Einstein Bros Bagels shop and began to bring home unsold bagels everyday as his “employee benefit”. He’s been working each summer ever since. During college application phase, he was the one and only person who would be responsible for making sure all paperwork is complete and submitted by deadline. My job is to pay for which ever school he decided to attend, nothing else.

He that travels far knows much. Observing the world first hand teaches kids valuable lessons. When my son was young, we took him to places whenever we can. Since he went to college, he's been encouraged to take solo flights. Started from freshman year in college, he has traveled to many places in the world, all by himself, sometimes months at a time. I had to suppress my own nervous feeling every time he's away alone, knowing it's the right and necessary step for him to take to becoming an independent adult.

My son had worked as intern each summer. I don’t care if those internships were low pay or no pay, all it matters is that he gets into the habit of getting up every morning, dressing up, driving to work and checking in with his superiors, and delivering what’s expected from him, on time. Building work experience and work ethic are paramount to becoming an dependable, useful and productive member of the society, someone others can count on getting things done. That’s what I really care. Much to my relief, this summer, his junior year at college, he’ll be interning at an industry leader technology company in Silicon Valley, with super generous pays and benefits. So far, he’s hit all the developmental milestones I set out for him. He’s cool and I thank God everyday for what I’ve got.