Learn to forgive is my major lesson at this stage of life. It will set my soul free and my body to optimal health. I know the truth that forgiving others is doing miracles in my own life. Holding the bitterness and grudges only hurt my body, mind and spirit. When I first heard the expression:"holding hatress is like drinking a poison yourself and waiting your enermies to die". From that day, my forgiveness journey started and took off very quickly.
However, I find that my forgiveness is not real. I avoid all people who ever hurt me and protect myself from all who are possible to hurt me. This strategy leaves me in an isolated, sefl-created tunnel world. Although most of time, I feel calm, joy, and content. Whennever I deceived myself to believe that I truly enjoy to be alone, an unexplainable depress will sweep me away. I occassionally wake up and lost interesting in everything I do. During those darkest moment, I have a strong desire to destroy the entire universe if there is a button to push to explode it.
It is easy to believe that I have forgiven everyone including God and myself when I am in good mood and positive emotions. When things go agaist me in every way, I remembered each and every offenders in details and I hated them ever more. I want to tear them into pieces and set them on fire and turn them into black smork. But the intensed hatress can disappear very quickly and peace can suddenly rest upon me and I will send loving compassion to those I just cursed.
I know that forgiveness is not forgeting, it is not reconciliation, it is not condone the wrong behaviors or evil deeds. It is letting go, it is thinking in different perspective, it is allowing others be themselves and me being me.
Understand is the first step in forgiveness. But understand does not equal acceptance. When you finally accept the hurt and embrace the wounds and pain, it does not mean recovery from the demage. Brokenness is so vulnerable, ugly and touching, Hurting people hurt. It leaves stings and staints everywhere. It spills over all places.
The true forgiveness come with core belief in oneness. We are one. Hurting me is hurting yourself. It is true but it is hard to believe. Even you believe. it is hard to live. My pain is my pain. Thousands die offshore may make me feel nothing, a bruise in my knee may hurt and get my full attention.
Our hurts are from three different sources:
The first is from unintentional hurt- it can come from our parents, teachers or ourselves. The offenders believe what they are doing is good for us or for our goodness. The hurt is the deepest and hard to repair. Because one side refuse to repent and the other side refuse to understand. Many depressed adults blame their parents for the childhood trauma. This kind of hurt usually impact our core values and beliefs, mar our personality, change our philosopy of life. To avoid hurting others in this way, keep in mind no critisism, no judgment, no control. Otherwise, you are manufacturing your enemies and mobs.
The second is from intential hurt due to competition, revenge or karma in former lives. Two men for one woman, two women for one men, two managers for one senior manager position, two applicants for one opening, two nations for one dominating power. The list runs forever. You can think tons of your own. This kind of hurt make people cynisim and suspicious. People lost vulnerablity and authenticity. We wear a mask to protect us from this kind of wounds. The key to escape this kind of hurt is asking why and why not at the right time. I leave this to you to figure it out.
The third is from habitual mind dysfunction such as taking things personally, making assumptions, mind-reading, my way or no way etc. This hurt can be avoided and replaced by peace. When we fight for control, when we are narrow minded, when we have too much confidence in ourselves, we disallow others living or expressing themselves in their ways. The difference or diversity become a source of conflict and eneminity. We fight for ego, for vain glory, for no reason. Many marriage ruined by this and my friendship ended by it.
We all want to be understood, be respected, be trusted, be accepted just as the way we are. We all long for belonging and for achivement. We all want to look good, feel good and be good. Why we continue to fight each other, hate each other and become a stumbling stone for each other. Why can't we accept each other, be curious with each other, give each other a chance to express kindness, gratitude, generosity and love?
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