練練冷飯新炒-------致少女！ (Critiques welcomed!!!)

致少女 For A Girl
-- 獻給瑩瑩 Dedicated to Yingying
作者：元梁 By Yuan Liang


清澈的小河
依偎著
起伏的山壑

A clear water
Streaming close along
A wavy mountain

簡陋的小屋
點綴著
碧綠的秧禾

Simple small homes
Scattered in
Green cropland

揚鞭的小童
吆喝著
笨重的牛車

Whip-raising kids
Signalling (to ox) in toned words
Guiding forth the heavy oxcarts

飛舞的小鳥
斑斕著
茂密的枝柯

Cheering birds
Dancing spots
On the thick leaved woods

秀美的少女
歡喜著
田園的春色

A beautiful girl
Being fond of
This vast Spring landscape

俏麗的麵龐
純淨的眼波
你, 卻是我的天國

It is however the pretty cheek
And the pure eyes
That make my own wonderland

哦, 可愛的姑娘
你象那安詳的白鴿
一切神情
都那麽溫柔, 平和

Oh, lovely girl
What a peaceful pigeon you are
With all the looks
Being mild and loving

哦, 親愛的姑娘
你如那優雅的天鵝
每個姿態
都那麽高貴, 獨特

Oh, lovely girl
What an elegant swan you are
With every pose
Being refined and beyond mimic

多麽希望 ----
這春心初漾的羞澀
此山銘刻
你的笑靨
將永遠珍放在
我心中的像冊

How hard I am wishing ----
The timidity of my emerging affection for you
Long lives in me as the mountain
And with your smile
Saved deep
Into my album heart

多麽盼望 ----
這愛意始萌的歡樂
此水長歌
你的情懷
將永久難忘在
我未來的生活

How hard I am wishing ----
The current of my emerging love
Gets across to you like the flowing singing water
And with your loving affection
Condensed into an eternal memory
For the whole of my coming life

多想就這樣陪著你嗬
好像蒼山伴著青河 …

How much I wish being with you this way
As the mountain is always with the water ...



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P.S. My translation process is targetting to capture the spirits of the original and bring them into playing in another code-setting as much as possible. Obviously for defining the same sets of pictures and emotions, you can find English never reaches the economy as the Chinese does.The functional powers of the Chinese are truly plaudible!

BTW, I sacrificed some brevity in exchange of retaining the beauty of the original, and as well achieving the clarity and readability of the counterpart. It is not an easy job compromising a balance. hehe!!!

所有跟帖： 

• Very good! -美壇奇葩- ♂ (0 bytes) () 06/20/2010 postreply 17:23:38

• loved your brevity! -waveline- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/20/2010 postreply 17:29:45

• Thanks! -美壇奇葩- ♂ (12 bytes) () 06/20/2010 postreply 17:53:06

• Brevity -- -美壇奇葩- ♂ (124 bytes) () 06/20/2010 postreply 17:57:42

• mixed version, with yours, his and mine -deepwoods- ♂ (1658 bytes) () 06/20/2010 postreply 20:06:39

• 回複：mixed version, with yours, his and mine -waveline- ♀ (7 bytes) () 06/21/2010 postreply 10:19:10

• Good. -婉蕠- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/21/2010 postreply 10:24:35

• haha！my mixed version! -waveline- ♀ (1813 bytes) () 06/21/2010 postreply 10:16:19

• My mixed version -waveline- ♀ (1755 bytes) () 06/21/2010 postreply 11:13:47

• Nice. -婉蕠- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/21/2010 postreply 10:23:26

• Thanks! -waveline- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/21/2010 postreply 11:15:03

• 很棒！ -板板- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/21/2010 postreply 15:40:48

• 嗬嗬，謝謝板板！！！ -waveline- ♀ (0 bytes) () 06/21/2010 postreply 16:23:30

• 對不起剛看到。感謝波紋姐妹的美譯。讓我看花眼了，各有特色，都收藏了。 -元梁- ♂ (52 bytes) () 06/22/2010 postreply 21:34:14

• 元梁,deepwoods也翻譯了你的詩作，不知道你是否看到了？ -婉蕠- ♀ (171 bytes) () 06/23/2010 postreply 09:16:53

• 回複：對不起剛看到。感謝波紋姐妹的美譯。讓我看花眼了，各有特色，都收藏了。 -waveline- ♀ (28 bytes) () 06/23/2010 postreply 15:56:07