請壇內的朋友幫忙修改、潤色

我正在準備雅思考試， 今天嚐試著練習寫了一篇作業。

自己沒有把握，身邊也沒有英語老師幫我修改。
請壇內的朋友幫我看一看，修改、潤色一番。 我計劃明年考雅思， 我的目標是7.5分。 作業最低也要7.5分。 請各位高人幫忙，不苟賜教、



題目：Some people believe the range of technology available to individuals today is increasing the gap between poor people and rich people. Others think that it is having an opposite effect.
Discuss these points of view, what is your opinion?

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我的草稿， 請斧正

In today’s constantly changing world, many new and hi-tech products have already become indispensable tools in our daily life. I believe that this large range of technology at our disposal enlarges and deepens the gap between the poor and the rich. The era of information and hi-tech is rather in side of the rich.

A wide range of technological products has been playing an essential role in facilitating our professional, social and private life. And they can help the rich to become richer. First, most of these technological products are quite expensive and requests some necessary degree of formation and education to use them. And the poor can hardly afford them. This phenomenon creates what we often call “the digital gap”. Second, the widespread use of technological products help the rich to save their precious time and increase their productivity. And therefore lift up their capacity of earning more money.
Third, some new technological products allow a new generation of technocrat-elite to become extremely rich in a relatively short period of time, such as Bill Gates. Last but not least, the American economic statistics show that, from 1990 to 2005, the income gap between the rich and the poor in the USA became larger than ever in the history. And many experts agree that the widespread use of new technology makes the gap wider instead of narrower between the poor and the rich.

In conclusion, the rich people have been taking an advantage of a wide range of technology within their reach to save time, increase productivity and then make more money at the expense of the poor who see themselves more and more marginalized as the result of this digital gap created by the new technology.

所有跟帖： 

• 嘻嘻，斧正。。。 -梅石瑩玉- ♀ (152 bytes) () 10/24/2009 postreply 18:57:43

• 多謝斧正。 還可以大段地修改。段落架構如何？列舉的理由充分嗎？ -我愛瑞士- ♀ (0 bytes) () 10/24/2009 postreply 23:31:24

• 謝謝，改得很好。希望就思路、論據也提意見 -我愛瑞士- ♀ (0 bytes) () 10/25/2009 postreply 00:42:33

• 俺又來多嘴了。這種“big topic”文章不好寫。易寫泛寫空。。。 -lilac09- ♀ (3217 bytes) () 10/25/2009 postreply 08:14:24

• Admiring.... -selfselfself- ♂ (67 bytes) () 10/25/2009 postreply 15:37:40

• 俺們做同鞋日子不短了，您才知道俺的厲害呀！ -lilac09- ♀ (84 bytes) () 10/25/2009 postreply 17:45:17

• 回複：俺又來多嘴了。這種“big topic”文章不好寫。易寫泛寫空。。。 -梅石瑩玉- ♀ (30 bytes) () 10/25/2009 postreply 20:51:18

• 這些意見十分中啃 -馬奎- ♂ (36 bytes) () 10/26/2009 postreply 08:34:44

• 非常感謝， 辛苦啦。 正在拜讀研究中 -我愛瑞士- ♀ (0 bytes) () 10/26/2009 postreply 14:40:19

• a few points -carpediem- ♂ (1674 bytes) () 10/25/2009 postreply 15:51:42

• 回複：a few points -梅石瑩玉- ♀ (32 bytes) () 10/25/2009 postreply 20:46:13

• 小梅太謙虛：） -Carpediem- ♂ (0 bytes) () 10/26/2009 postreply 05:18:26

• 非常感謝諸位網友的斧正、修改和潤色 -我愛瑞士- ♀ (0 bytes) () 10/26/2009 postreply 14:39:01