One moment in my life where I truly empathy with another person, my youngest daughter.
As a preteen girl and as a mom, my daughter and I goes into argument easily. I can't understand why she refuses to take my wise suggestions of good life choices. I also can't understand why she persists to argue with me when my answer is so simple and clear. When our opinion or choices are different, we stuck in endless recursive argument loop. I am frustrated and she is frustrated too. Most of the time, we end up not talking to each other for several hours.
One day, we were struck again over a typical matter, such as which pair of shorts to buy. I was frustrated, but still trying to make her see how wrong she was on that matter. She started to cry, saying something like "why do you always say that I am wrong". Part of me, the eager-to-win me yelled loudly inside of my mind "that is because you are wrong". Another part of me, the I-hear-you-and-I-understand-you me, looked at crying her and suddenly feel her frustration. Her frustration is not unique. I had countless moments in my life. Everyone has this type of frustration when our desire of being heard is not met and we still try to put our messages across. At that very moment, two of us were fighting each other on opposite sides of an argument, but we were experiencing the exact same emotion. How many precious moments have humane being wasted in this type of situation? How hard it is for my daughter to experiencing this again and again? Suddenly, I didn't care about letting her see my point. All I felt was her pain and frustration. Very naturally, my eyes were filled with tear, and my voice becomes shaky and broken. My teary eyes looked into her teary eyes, and my broken voice said, "I know, my child".
Guess what, she was shocked by my response. Maybe, she was expecting the "always reasonable mom" to repeat her opinion as usual. She did not know why I changed so fast and why I started to cry unexpectedly. But, I knew that empathy was working magically. Empathy made me stop my normal way of working and truly step in other'shoes. It made me connect with my daughter in a much deeper level and we didn't need to talk more about our opinions. The opinions doesn't matter anymore. We speak to make our opinions across so we can understand each other better. Empathy connects us already so need to talk.
In daily life, when to use words and when to use empathy to connect with others is a matter of art. There is no right/wrong answer. You are the artist/creator of our life artwork, so go ahead to make it unique and beautiful.
