回複：回複：改了一些語法問題

 

昨天有空，看到caixia要人修改文章，一時興起，替他/她修改了一下。我是從修改作文的角度來改的，不是替他/她潤色。原則是盡量保留原文的意思，作些字麵修改，不把別人的東西改得麵目全非，所以說“改了一下語法問題”。如果要做深沉修改，還有很多可動。比如，就拿第一句來說:

原文：I knew Dr. H first as a teacher when she was teaching ＃＃course in spring 2006.

1. 這個knew沒有緣由，故改作came to know。

2. “she was teaching”就已經告訴我們她是老師，故刪除“first as a teacher”。

3. “I came to know Dr. H”是主要的，所以“in spring 2006”放在Dr. H後更好。

4. 如果不顧原文地痛快地改，這個“she was teaching”應該改作I took her＃＃course.  

即：I knew came to know Dr. H first as a teacher  in spring 2006 when she was teaching I took her ＃＃course in spring 2006.

下麵是我對你改文的答複：

Although many years have passed, some of the episodes that took place in the class are still vivid to me. This may be because that class was the first one I took after I was accepted into # university. 

==> After so many years, I still clearly remember many things about the class, probably because it was the first course I took after being accepted by the university.

答複：

(1) Caixia原來的are still vivid to me並沒有錯。沒錯的東西，作為一個作文老師能不改就不要改，不一定非要按自己的思路來寫。

你的改文

a. 你改文裏的things太籠統，

b. after being accepted by the university太沉重。

c. 你的改句有些堆砌，從頭到尾讀一下，感覺一下是不是這樣？I came to know Dr. H in spring 2006 when she was teaching＃＃course. After so many years, I still clearly remember many things about the class, probably because it was the first course I took after being accepted by the university.

d. 你的改句跟第一句在意念上銜接不上。第一句說的是“我2006年春認識Dr. H…， 很多年後，我仍能記得…”，改句的意思是“我2006年春認識Dr. H…，因為那是我的第一堂課，所以很多年後，我仍能記得…”。

你的這個改文應該改作：After so many years, I can still remember many classroom happenings. This is probably because that was the first course I took in the university.

       2.     As an international freshman 

 Being an international student…

答複:

你的改文少了一層意思，應該改作being an international student and a freshman, 不過，being 結構在這裏太沉重。

3.     and then asked her to be my major an advisor for my major in 2007. 

==> and then asked her to be my major advisor in 2007. (the original version is better)

答複：

(1) major advisor會引起歧義，到底是“主要的advisor”還是“作我專業的advisor”?

(2) 你把英語喜愛的平行句改成了非平行句。原文是平行的：I asked Dr. H to serve as a member in the committee for my Master degree in fall 2006, and an advisor for my major in 2007.

4.     as well as personal life 

==> as well as to my personal life

答複：

這個to 可以省略.比如I went to the library as well as to the restaurant 可以說成I went to the lirbrary as well as the restaurant.

5.     She was always able to solve the problems for me… 

==> She has always been very helpful whenever I have problems…

答複：

你的改文更好一點，但他/她的並不錯，可留之則留之。

6.     professional aspects traits 

==>  professionalism

答複：好！

7.     she was also had a caring and considerate personality  

==> she is caring and considerate (original version is better)

答複：

In addition to her professional traits, she was caring and considerate 嚴格地說搭配不協調。比如 In addition to the big house, she also has many cars改成下麵的說法就不好：In addition to the big house, she is also rich in the number of cars.所以she was caring and considerate 本身是對的，但放在這裏不好。最好說 She was very professional, caring, and considerate 或者（雖然我不喜歡用沉重的being）, apart from being professional, she was also caring and considerate.