I have never seen Xie again.
The change of my feeling towards her was unexpected, but a welcome one. My whole mentality had switched to a familial type: I started to inquire company’s policies on married employees and calculated the benefits of her coming to my city against those of my going to her city. Marriage did not seem too far away and it actually felt good to have my heart anchored on someone. What she gave me was exactly a tacit promise of a family, upon which I designed many variations of future. Some were as bleak as us being divorced, but I thought I was ready to face any outcome that a marriage would bring.
After several days of adjustment to the new change, with a fulfillment of those who had a girl friend, I decided to call her, at least to confirm this relationship and reach a consensus on what we were doing, or if possible, on what we would be doing. Someone from her company on the other side of the phone coldly told me she was not in the office for unknown length of time, but advised me to call back after two weeks. I felt I was kicked off by someone from the top of a mountain which I had just conquered and, instead of free-falling to the ground with a thump, I was floating and drifting in suspense. She should have called me, at least let me know her whereabouts. We slept together and that meant something, an obligation, maybe. But she vanished. Her unresponsiveness and neglect started digging a hole in my heart. Something was not right.
Several days had passed. I called again to try my luck and was told she wasn’t back.
One week had passed. I called and nothing.
Two weeks had passed. I called and nothing. My concern turned into worry and anxiety.
On the third week, I called and managed to get some news about her. She had quit her job and followed her boy friend to his hometown for a long overdue marriage. I did not believe this initially, for they did not know what had happened between Xie and me. I knew she was seeing someone, but things had changed now. How could they possibly know? But when I identified myself as her boy friend, I could hear on the phone that my claim had surprised her colleague as much as it did me. Putting down the phone, I felt I was dead. Xie had a special place in my heart and for so many years, I had cherished this relationship. I did not hate her. I experienced exactly what was described on hell in books. All the pieces of this puzzle began falling into their places. Now I got a full picture, an ugly one. It made perfect sense – she’d come to erase me from her life completely.
Thus, in one day, I lost both my soul and love.
I became a walking corpse, soulless, insensitive, mean, grumpy and sarcastic.
In my lowest time, a newly acquainted man who was several years my senior and who was a loan officer at a local branch of China Agricultural Bank, took me to dinners. Initially, I truly appreciated his kindness, which had made a significant difference in the eyes of my boss. In one such dinner, he even hinted that he would give me a business so large that the general manager of my company would be forced to promote me to the position of a financial controller. On one hand, he was a nice friend to have; on the other hand, his presence had elevated my importance in the company.
One day, he invited me to one of his apartments. He said he was a good cook and would make me a feast. I gladly accepted the invitation. In a foreign city, having someone take care of me was a true bless.
It was a quite nice apartment, luxury and trendy in comparison to other apartments I had seen. And he was a good cook. The dining table of solid wood was quickly covered with plates of food I could not even name. I did not have a biological brother, but if I had one, he should have been like him. So we kept drinking and eating, eating and drinking. He told me his wife did not know he had this apartment and he did not have to go home today, because his wife and his daughter went to visit her hometown; and if I wanted, I could stay overnight. I did have thought about that, in a case that I wanted to get myself drunk.
Our talk covered many areas. We were both inebriated, or at least I was. He changed from sitting opposite to me to sitting right beside me. That made me very uncomfortable, for each time I spoke to him, I had to twist my head to face him. There were several times, he put his hand on my thigh. I thought he was drunk, and I wasn’t too drunk to know what was going on. So, to avoid offending him, either I pretended to laugh or I stood up to reach some dishes that were unreachable if I was sitting, thus twisting my thigh from his hand as unnoticeably as I could. After several unpleasant incidents, he put his arm around my neck, as if wishing to confide something. I tilted my head towards him, showing him my ear that I was ready to listen. Instead of saying something, he quickly kissed me on my cheek. It took me quite some time to process what had just happened. I thought homosexual only existed in the news, in TV, but now, I got one sitting right beside me! But, he had a wife and a daughter. Son of *****! The guy was being flexible! I did not lose my cool and I told him clearly I was not interested in men. He ignored what I said and kept expressing how much he liked me. There was a cot in the room and he said he was drunk and wanted me to help him to lie down on that cot. No way! I left the apartment without another word.
After leaving that apartment, I was walking aimlessly on the street. Now, I knew what was worse than losing my soul and heart: being liked by a man!
This pervert continued to come to my company looking for me, as if nothing had happened. His creepy smiles and winks started giving me nightmares. My angry protests, swearing and threats made no effects on him. He continued coming to discuss banking business with me, polite and nice in appearance as usual. I did not have a single shred of proof!
Back then, I did not know the concept of sexual harassment. Those who had harassed others were egoistic and narcissistic, thinking the victims who were being harassed must have also enjoyed it. Therefore, any warning, anger, protests only arouse them more. There is only one cure to make them understand: lock them up in a cage with a pig and make the pig kiss them.
So, I quit my job, with a saving of only around 800 yuans in the bank. I rented an unfurnished one-bedroom apartment, which took away a big chunk of my dwindling saving after a three-month-rent down payment. I did not have any furniture. I made a bed on the concrete floor by spreading my blanket in one of the corners of the bedroom and a table using a case full of books.
Now, I knew what was worse than losing my soul and heart and being liked by a man: on top of all these, sleeping on a concrete floor!
I thought of calling my mother and father for help, but they did not have any more saving to spare. Besides, my current state would surely make them worried. What good would it be to call them? I did not really have many options. So I started to look for jobs, but I needed quick money before using up my meager saving. At the same time, I handwrote some small advertisements offering to teach adults accounting. One of those advertisements that I taped on the electricity poles and inside building hallways, along with ads for curing venereal diseases, brought me my first client.
She was in her mid thirties, with a medium height and heavy makeup. We met in a small restaurant. Before I had chance to negotiate my rate, she intimidated me with a description of her family, which was said to be quite well known locally. She was running an import and export company, employing about 18 people; one of her two brothers owned a truck transportation company, boasting of 34 trucks; the other brother was busy with expanding a chain restaurant; most notably, her father was a real estate guru - in a word, money was not an issue. I secretly congratulated myself for such a good luck.
From day one, I knew she was a terrible student. She was not interested in learning and she always had a way to distract our learning session to her plan of a business empire. And she was sitting closer and closer to me on each learning session, so close I could always smell what she had eaten during the dinner. I couldn’t care less how rich she might be, because I got a rent to pay for. Several times, when I raised my payment issue, she patted on my shoulder and laughed, saying I would never worry about the money once I became her chief assistant. Now, I seriously believed she thought I was born yesterday.
After two weeks, I did not believe I would be paid and I gave up. One day, she said she did not want to drive and wanted me to take her on my bicycle for a ride. When she jumped on the back seat of my bicycle, locking her arms around my waist and pressing one side of her cheeks on my back, I pedalled laboriously while fighting my exasperation. Even prostitutes were getting paid! Now, I knew what was worse than losing my soul and heart, being liked by a man, sleeping on a concrete floor: on top of all these, not getting paid. Maybe this was not the worst, and with this thinking in mind, I gave a howl and steered the bicycle right into a nearby road ditch...
My turning point of luck was at a time when I was about running out of money. The PR department of the government contacted me and offered me a temp work. Because I was fairly good at writing bullshit, the temp work quickly turned into a permanent one. The job gave me first taste of power and was quite addictive. Instructed by the chief of the department, who also based his judgement on the intention of his boss’, I wrote monthly economic review for newspapers and television stations, which as the mouthpiece of the government, had to source their news from PR department. Once a month, those reporters and local TV crews were invited to attend a two-day meeting, during which my economic reviews would be distributed to them. Not surprisingly, within a week, my review was widely quoted in the local media. Some reporters did not even bother to rewrite information I gave them, they directly copied paragraphs and paragraphs of my writing. There was an instance, in which the mayor of the city was not happy with GDP growth and I passed along the message to the local Statistics Bureau and insinuated the bureau to come up with better numbers, and then they did come back with the desired numbers.
I did not have a chance to spend my salary, because I was dining out every night with important people. It kept growing in the bank at an amazing speed. One phone call would be enough to prioritize me favourably in the local hospital; playing a jeep for half a day got me a driver license; it took me only four days to acquire a private passport, alongside my other passports for public affairs. Everything was on a fast track for me and it seemed there wasn’t a thing I could not do.
Life was good. Except for the big hole inside me Xie had left. I was still hoping certain kind of miracle to materialize. But she did not know my new phone number. I really wanted to give up all this and look for her, but I did not know where she was. I kept imagining, like in the movies, I could stop her wedding and take her away.
After working for the government for four years, I finally quit the job and immigrated to Canada. Maybe a new environment would make me forget her. Maybe the exotic environment would help me start a new romance. At least that was something worth trying. On the day I boarded the plane to Canada, I knew it was impossible for us to meet again, in this life. The plane reminded me of the plane that had taken Xie away from me.
So a pair of parallel lines we were.
She probably had no idea what she left me that night in the hotel. She set a bar for me, a very high bar. I kept comparing other girls whom I had dated to her. Too tall, too short, not good looking, too silly, not humorous, eyes glassy, not very intelligent, not graceful.... The list went on and on. That night she asked me to remember her, which I did and that was all I remembered.
She had presented her most beautiful moment to me and vanished. It was a curse and I was cursed. After so many years, I have been trying to conjure up an aged image of hers, but I can’t, because the image of that night keeps coming up, relentlessly pushing away whatever image my imagination would allow. Maybe she will become plump, have several children, or wrinkles spread all over her face, but I still can’t put her beautiful face onto these images. Strangely, I have never hated her for leaving me without a trace. If that was what she wanted, so be it. It is a shame that I could not repay her for what she gave me. One night she gave me is enough for me to enjoy the whole my life. Wherever she might be, my heart was, is and will be with her, praying for her. Qi Qin can bury his love, I can’t.
Whenever someone laments life is short and no one can stay young forever, I always shake my head and say, “It is not true, because I know something will outlast life and I know someone who can stay young, at least in my heart. Let me tell you a story about someone who can...”
In Memory of Flowers
Is that true you don’t want to stay with me?
Is that true you would walk away right after the spring?
The flower of true love has just blossomed,
Yet, you will fly away with migrating birds.
Please stay, please stay.
Why do you not want to stay with me?
Is that how you easily give it up?
When flowers are blossoming,
You left me in such a quiet way,
You left me, you left me.
There are too many words that I want to say but I haven’t,
There are too many things that are worth your staying,
When flowers are blossoming, yet you left me.
You left me, you left me...
The End
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