College Essay係列（四十六）：2024 哈佛成功文書（1）

最早從2017-18申請季，在每季結束的7-8月份，哈佛校報Crimson都會PO出十篇當年的成功文書，這個網頁的URL，https://www.thecrimson.com/topic/sponsored-successful-harvard-essays-20xx/。把年號換上，即可訪問到這些網址。

四月寫完《2023》的十篇，看出2023年8約月哈佛招生心態，即公平價值觀。那一年選出的文書，文字質量比2022以前明顯偏弱。但是每篇文書故事中可以清晰地看到，equality和social justice。哈佛的這個追求在文書中更加不做遮掩。那十篇文書中，有八篇故事都是直接體現此價值的。

Harvard Essays 2023 on Crimson Georgina| Lemonade with no Lemon (Lebanese 1G Girl) Abby    | Family at Barnes & Noble (Ethiopian 1G Girl) Marina  | Backyard Four Corners (Cuban 1G Girl)     Una     | Seeing Without Looking (Latino 1G Girl)    Simar   | First Haircut At Age 17 (Sikh 1G Boy) Samantha| I Am A Storyteller (Poem ECs non-hook) Amy     | The Color of Everything (diversity non-hook) Tony    | Study Wilderness Art (CA URM Boy) Sean    | Butterfly Identity (MA Queerness Boy) Connor  | Working Dad & Me (NH 1G Boy)

 

品過2023，大家都在等看《2024成功哈佛文書十篇》。這不，2024新文書來了。Crimson這次還是偷工減料，隻有九篇，仍然冠以十篇的名環。缺就缺吧，不影響我們品評它的主題和質量。

整體的故事背景統計，2篇Queerness，2篇亞裔新移民，1篇殘障，1篇URM，1篇中城去暴，隻剩下兩篇是沒有Hook的主題故事。Equality和Social Justice比例，趨同了2023的是10篇。不過，這既可能表示哈佛招生價值，也可能表明哈佛申請人整體的主訴價值。如果大量申請都主訴著申請者的Equality和Social Justice價值觀，那麽被錄取的比例也就自然偏高Equality和Social Justice。我見過的申請中，普遍都帶有這一價值觀。從客觀上看，申請中含有這一價值主文書（無論是否主訴該價值）的比例可能高於80%了。

所以，即使有這樣故事申請，主文書也不一定寫得好到令人感動的程度。所以，品評2024的這一篇，我覺得要換個心情。不再以哈佛的舊主題價值的文書作為參照，而是對比同樣Equality和Social Justice為主的2023年的十篇。這樣的品評，對今年的申請人更加有用。

Harvard Essays 2024 on Crimson Orlee    | Family of Two Moms (Lesbian 1G Girl) Marcus   | The Zoo (Trans Boy)   Michelle | Fish Out of Water (Korean Immi 1G Girl) Clara    | Crochet into America (Vietnam Immi Girl) Sarika   | I, Too, Can Dance (Wheelchair Girl) Francisco| Family Meeting at MITES (URM Boy) Lauren   | Sondheim’s Musicals (inner-city intervention Girl) Daniella | Perfecting Cookies (non-hook Girl)      Billy    | Planned Uncertainty (non-hook Boy)

 

 

第一篇，Orlee 的《Family of Two Moms》

I’m hiding behind the swing door of the dressing room when I text my mom just one word: “Traumatizing!” I’m on a bra-shopping expedition with my grandmother, and just in case it’s not abundantly clear, this trip was Not. My. Idea. Bra shopping has always been shrouded in mystery for me, and growing up in a household with two moms and two younger sisters hasn’t helped one bit: One of my moms doesn’t wear bras; the other proudly proclaims that her bras are older than me. A two-mom family without the faintest idea what a teenage girl needs—par for the course around here.

So when my 78-year-old grandmother volunteered to take me bra shopping, my moms jumped at the chance. Here I was with my frugal grandmother, outlet-shopping among the racks of intimates that aren’t sized quite right, that have too much padding or too little…You can see my predicament, and it’s no surprise that my younger self was confused by the words “wire-free,” “concealing petals,” “balconette.”

The saleswoman called to my grandmother from across the store, “What cup size is she?”

“I don’t know,” my grandmother screamed back. “Can you measure her?”

Measure me? They have got to be kidding.

***

“I just don’t want her to feel different,” I heard my grandmother say later that day. “Kids this age can be so mean.”

I love my grandmother, but she believes the world is harsh and unforgiving, and she thinks that the only path to happiness is fitting in. My grandmother had taken me bra shopping in a last-ditch attempt to make me “normal” because I was entering 9th grade at Deerfield in a few weeks, and she worried that I would stick out worse than the underwire of a bargain basement bra.

It’s true—I’m not your typical Deerfield student. I’m a day student with lesbian moms who have several fewer zeros on their bank account balance than typical Deerfield parents. I’m the kid with a congenital foot deformity, which means I literally can’t run, who will never be able to sprint across campus from classroom to classroom. I’m the kid with life-threatening food allergies to milk and tree nuts who can’t indulge in the pizza at swim team celebrations or the festive cake and ice cream during advisory meetings.

But fitting in was my grandmother’s worry, not mine. What my grandmother didn’t consider is that there’s no single way to fit in. I might be two minutes later to class than the sprinters, but I always arrive. I might have to explain to my friends what “having two moms” means, but I’ll never stop being thankful that Deerfield students are eager to lean in and understand. I may not be able to eat the food, but you can count on me to show up and celebrate.

While I can’t run, I can swim and play water polo, and I can walk the campus giving Admissions tours. My family might not look like everyone else’s, but I can embrace those differences and write articles for the school newspaper or give a talk at “School Meeting,” sharing my family and my journey. Some of my closest friendships at Deerfield have grown from a willingness on both sides to embrace difference.

On one of the first days of 9th grade, I sat down to write a “Deerfield Bucket List”—a list of experiences that I wanted to have during my four years in high school, including taking a Deerfield international trip and making the Varsity swim team. That list included thirteen items, and I’m eleven-thirteenths of the way there, not because I have the right bra, but because I’ve embraced the very thing that my grandmother was afraid of. Bra shopping is still shrouded in mystery for me, but I know that I am where I should be, I’m doing work that matters to me, and fitting in rarely crosses my mind.

打開這篇，讓我不由分說地想到去年那篇《Butterfly Identity》。同樣的Queer主題，記憶尚新，必然產生這樣的閱讀背景情緒。這對於這篇的AO來說也是再合理不過的了。經過2023的價值引導，這一年哈佛的Queer主題文書也有明顯增長的勢頭吧。

與《Butterfly Identity》不同之處，這一篇開篇，是一個普通的青春期場景，同時也是一個surprise的文書場景。我收集這麽多年的文書裏，隻有2009年的一篇《My Bra》是以Bra這麽私密的女生話題為素材的。所以它放在文書裏，具有熟悉和陌生兩個特性。這是一個很好的文書“hook”。注意這個hook不是我們所說的招生價值觀裏的Hook，它隻是故事容易吸引讀者的因素而已。

接著，兩個mom的出場，就是故事的“anchor”了。這個場景在文書中的稀有性很顯然。大部分的Queer主題文書，都是把這個性別的關鍵放在作者自己身上的。而這一篇則是把它體現在家長、作者的Lesbian母親身上。要知道，從第一例合法同性戀婚姻開始，同性戀婚姻還是一個20年新的社會現象。20年後，生於這樣家庭的子女剛剛長大到申請年齡。你可以說，Queer主題文書可以開始 “拚爹”了。

故事接下來，用Grandmother來代表傳統，也是一個很輕巧的結構設計。對於LGBT的偏見，首要地產生在家庭成員之間，父母是這個偏見的主要施與者，這是過去所有此類主題故事的特點。本篇作者沒有偏見的父母，但可以有這樣的祖父母啊。選擇祖母在這裏出場，恰當又合理。

接下來的內容就是一篇文書故事的流行發展了。從祖母的世界觀到我的世界觀，從我的價值觀到Dearfield的包容性，故事的發展體現了作者獨特的成長和給所在群體帶來的改變。“Some of my closest friendships at Deerfield have grown from a willingness on both sides to embrace difference”，這種改變其實並非質和量的躍遷，它甚至都不是改變（willingness on both = embrace difference），但作者的表述語言卻讓它顯得像是一種變化。這是文字上的功力。

我最喜歡教給學生的一點是: You may have not acted a significance, but you can expect one and effect one as you grow. So， be confident and express it creatively。

最後在結尾段再寫回Bra，並把grandmother請回敘述中來，既呼應了篇首的情節，又刷新了時間的進化，算是一種立體感的時間表達。這篇還可以再修改的更significant，就是祖母這個形象，她完全可以也再被作者改變之列。想想是不是這樣？

看得出申請哈佛文書是有質量的。相對於2023的《Butterfly Identity》的B評分，這篇我給的是A。這樣一來，我上麵的修改意見，變得也許不那麽必要了。