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才高五鬥不覺恥，水灌一壇隻作癡。凸情不枉君付意，子誌難琢我化石。

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College Essay係列（四十三）：2023 達茅成功文書（2）

(2024-06-03 09:08:22) 下一個

2023 達矛成功文書（1）

上一篇說了，精彩在後頭。接下來看第二篇關於自然/環境主題的文書。

第二篇，《Parents, Teachers, and Places that Shaped Me》

Am I a product of my environment? My first instinct is to say yes, how could l not be? My parents raised me to compost everything possible-and I mean everything-while growing up in Wisconsin. l grew up burning wood, eating fresh food from our garden, and spending my time reading and exploring outside. My mom, a math teacher, taught me good studying habits and encouraged an interest in learning. My dad, a self-taught wood timber framer, built every house I lived in and showed me how anything can be accomplished if one is willing to learn about it. My mentors and teachers provided me with opportunities I would have not even known about without them.

Yet, as much as l attribute my success to my coaches, parents, and hometown, l have not become passive clay in their hands. I have made choices that, while influenced by my upbringing, are entirely my own, and I have learned lessons from my choices I never would have.

When I was sixteen, l traveled by myself to Spain and Germany for a month to visit two foreign exchange students my family hosted. l traveled on my own to the Catalonian region of Spain to learn the culture, practice and expand my knowledge of the Spanish language, and learn some Catalan. I also was interested to see if I could handle being a foreign exchange student myself. I visited Munich in Germany and learned more about German culture. From this trip, l learned that I was not ready to be a foreign exchange student as a high school student-instead, we hosted a Norwegian student last year- and now, I am eager to study abroad in college.

This past spring, I applied to go on a sailing trip around Isle Royale on Lake Superior. In June, I departed with the captain, his wife, and five other high school students from Minnesota and Wisconsin. On the trip, we learned about the effects of climate change on the lake, the relationship between wolves and moose on Isle Royale, and how to sail. This trip inspired me to live with purpose and awareness of the consequences of our actions on the world. This trip closed the circle between my upbringing- my parents' choices- and my own will and crystallized my purpose. My first action was to organize a group of kids from my town to skip school on International Climate Strike Day to attend a rally in Duluth.

Five years ago, my parents chose to move to Ely to be near the Boundary Waters wilderness area. This was uprooting our lives and leaving the farming community we knew and loved. We have settled in and built our house, this time with flush toilets. We have become less sustainable in my opinion, purely for the want of comfort, and while I was disappointed, we did not install solar panels, moving to Ely brought opportunities to me that were not available where we lived before. The school has a cross country team and a Nordic ski team. l had learned to ski from my grandma on our 40-acre property on ungroomed trails, which I loved. So, the thought of having a ski racing team was a dream come true. I quickly learned the new techniques and became successful at racing. I met my friends for the rest of high school on that team. Even though my family has always skied, it was my choice to join the team and ski competitively, which became a passion and a lifestyle.

There is no doubt that I have been shaped and supported by my parents, my teachers, and the places I have lived and visited. But l feel I have chosen paths both inspired by them, yet ultimately made by me. I am now excited to begin making my mark on the world.

【凸某評二】

這篇給我的讀感，就是簡單地喜歡。讀完再想想，可能有三點突出的地方：豐富的經曆、新鮮的反思、明確的自我意識。本文從家庭環境開始，到獨自旅行，再到大湖航行，既豐富了故事，也表現了個人能力的成長。作者對於自我的反思深刻，特別是反思中完成選擇和經曆成長。

文章的結構上讀起來顯得雜亂，從家庭環境，到德西旅行，到大湖Sailing，再回到搬家Ely，從時間和空間上，看似沒有明顯合理的順序。但這淺淺的意識流寫法，正是這篇大學文書的有趣之處。這讓讀者能在沒有設置故事懸念的條件下，隻好帶著一種不可調和的糾結感，一直體會得到下一處文字的新鮮之處。

雖屬意識流的風格，文字上並非隨意即可。本文有些句子還可更精煉、提高語感力度。比如開篇處，“Am I a product of my environment? My first instinct is to say yes, how could l not be?”可以直接縮減成“Am I a product of my environment?”

接下來，“My parents raised me to compost everything possible-and I mean everything-while growing up in Wisconsin”，也可以縮減成“My parents raised me to compost everything possible-and I mean everything”。

第四段，“When I was sixteen, l traveled by myself to Spain and Germany for a month to visit two foreign exchange students my family hosted”顯得很囉嗦。可以改成，“At sixteen，l traveled two months alone to visit Spanish and German exchange students hosted by my family”。

第六段，“There is no doubt that I have been shaped and supported by my parents, my teachers, and the places I have lived and visited”可以改成“My parents, teachers, and the places I have lived and visited have shaped me”。

簡約化的文字風格，是AI時代的文書要求。因為用AI出來的都是華麗的語言，所以越是華麗的語言，越有AI的嫌疑。當然AI還有其他特點。比如選詞上，你一定要避免AI高頻詞匯。。。

• 感覺很真實，沒有奇思妙想技術流。家裏醬油娃可以寫這種風格的。 -成功的77- ♂ (0 bytes) (3 reads) 06/03/2024 postreply 09:26:42