College Essay係列（四十二）：2023 達茅成功文書（1）

今天打得開這一篇的人，值了。以後打得開這篇的人，賺了。因為，這篇要寫的官方新鮮出爐的達茅文書。我收集了90年、500篇成功的美本文書。其中哈斯普耶芝麻杜賓霍範加密齊全，但就是還缺幾篇達茅的樣本。也不是我沒見過號稱達茅的文書，隻是從那些self-claimed達茅文書裏，我還沒看到過好得能讓我跳腳兒的。所以，在那本每年更新的《文書六講》裏，我一直沒選到一篇達茅。

上個月，達茅招辦首次出版了一本《50 Dartmouth Essays That Worked》。這本書現在上線亞馬遜，Paperback $13.99 / Kindle $9.99。但是，在等書之際，我們不妨先讀為快，品品Sample四篇的Environment/Nature主題文書。抱歉，那本篇不是廣告，更沒有折扣，白替他打個廣告，希望達茅家原諒。

 

 

【達茅AO編注】

這四篇論文都涉及到自然和環境主題，著重於特定的地點或經曆，創造性地描述有意義的個人時刻。對於這四篇中的每一篇來說，都有獨特的主題，且在處理主題上的方式各不相同。從在阿拉斯加徒步旅行，到在威斯康星州生活，這些文書描繪了作者對於自己或他人的獨特觀察能力和成長經驗。

這些文書中的一個共同特點，是它們將自然或環境作為討論另一興趣熱情的基礎。例如，第三篇寫了對解決物理問題的熱愛，將其比作學會享受具有挑戰性的旅程，這是在Messer Pond 度過的時間裏得出的結論。另外，第四篇將對獵菌的觀察與祖先和加泰羅尼亞人為獨立而鬥爭聯係起來。

這些文書都靠著引人入勝的開篇來吸引讀者進入故事。一句醒目的開篇句至關重要，能吸引讀者並在整篇閱讀中持續吸引他們。第一句也需暗示著故事中的關鍵的信息。一個環境為中心的文書故事，通過在自然中的經曆，創造性地表達了作者的熱情和個性。

下麵是第一篇【A Wild Summer Cleared My Eyes】                                                 

We danced on the top of the mountain. My hands filled with jellybeans, I bounced around with the four girls I was spending my summer with. I looked about, memorizing the astonishing landscape that expanded before me. Ridgelines stretched into the distance, turning blue as they faded into the faraway horizon.

It was day 32 of a 45-day backpacking expedition through the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in northern Alaska, an experience I had dreamt about since I was nine. That day, we needed to move from one river valley to another, crossing a ridge along the way. After planning our trek, we began our journey upward. The sun shone, and lighthearted conversation soon filled the air. But just beyond a gentle curve, the grassy terrain turned to loose stones. The gradual slope disappeared, replaced with a steep mountain face. Alarmed, I called out to my leader, gesturing toward the towering ridge in front of us. "Are we going over that?" She turned to look at me, replying, "Yes, we are," before continuing to walk. Cautiously, I followed.

The ground began to slide beneath us, causing upward progress to slow as we carefully chose where to step. I looked back down the slope, realizing that one misstep would send me sliding down the mountain. As we continued, the wind picked up, and a layer of grey covered the previously blue sky. I felt something sting my face and looked up. Small hailstones began falling, and the patter of ice against my hood became the only sound I heard. A lump rose in my throat as tears prickled in the comers of my eyes. Already terrified, the evolving weather only added to my unease. All eyes turned toward our leader, as we questioned the safety of continuing up the mountain. "We have to get over it," she shouted, struggling to be heard over the swirling wind. Facing the ridge, she resumed the slow, deliberate trek upward. Taking a deep breath, I followed, keeping my gaze focused on the ground. Conversation ceased as we zigzagged up the slope, each person concentrating on their footing. As we climbed higher and higher, my fears began to multiply.

A month earlier, my thoughts, often occupied with worst-case scenarios, would have been consumed with these fears. When looking at the world I live in, I seemed to see only hate, violence, and inequality. This perspective weighed on me. I wasn't able to appreciate happiness because I was fixated on finding things that were wrong with my life and the world. Then I went to Alaska, and everything changed. I began to see the beauty the world has to offer. It wasn't only the beauty of the mountains and caribou; I began to notice the beauty in rainstorms and impossible climbs. Instead of only allowing myself to see the darkness in the world, I slowly opened my eyes to the goodness of people, and the happiness spending time with others could bring. When looking at that slope, I saw more than loose rock and a nearing storm; I saw an opportunity to test my limits and strengthen the bonds within my group. I felt hopeful.

It seemed like we had been climbing for an eternity when the slope began to level. I raised my head, a smile crawling across my face. The ground in front of us was flat, the valleys behind the ridgeline opening up before us. We cheered and began to dance around. A new wave of energy filled the air, with peals of laughter soaring above the gusting wind. We had survived the ascent.

Someone grabbed a bag of jellybeans, and we took handfuls of the well-deserved treat. Despite the still-developing weather and the idea of a steep descent looming over us, we took time to celebrate on what seemed like the top of the world. We made it, so we danced.

【凸評一】

文章的開頭和結尾都很精彩，一句“dance on top of the mountain”把讀者幹脆利落地拉進故事。作者對風景和經曆的描述也生動，讓讀者感覺身臨其境。像“Ridgelines stretched into the distance, turning blue as they faded into the faraway horizon”這樣的句子，畫麵感十足，很有感染力。

“Small hailstones”和“ patter of ice”之後， “a lump rose in my throat as tears prickled in the comers of my eyes”以既視的恐懼，來設置閱讀懸念。筆頭此刻突然轉向月前的對比，引出“ridgeline opening up”和“new wave of energy”，征服wilderness的希望和喜悅。情感旅程，讓閱讀產生共鳴。最後，“so we danced”呼應開篇，讓故事更加豐富有趣。

這篇的敘述雖然流暢生動，但還是不乏需要改進之處。稍微調整一下過渡和一些小的語法錯誤，文章會更加引人入勝。比如，開篇的句子，仍可縮減“We danced atop the mountain”。另外，"A lump rose in my throat as tears prickled in the comers of my eyes"，可以改成"A lump rose in my throat, tears pricking the corners of my eyes"。 還有，從爬山轉換到心理反思的部分，顯得生硬，中間需要加個過度句就更順暢了。

好吧，我承認，這隻是還不錯的一篇，談不上很好。敘述上來講，不足比哈佛文書的起承轉合。從主題上來講，沒有哈佛文書的那種壓人兩頭的價值觀。但是，這篇所表現的，是一個真實的teenager的真實的生活和成長，沒有哈佛文書裏明顯的“拔苗助長”感吧。這是讓我喜歡這篇的原因。

精彩，還在後頭。