College Essay係列（三十八）：2023 哈佛成功文書（1-2）

最早從2017-18申請季，在每季結束的7-8月份，哈佛校報Crimson都會PO出十篇當年的成功文書，這個網頁的URL，https://www.thecrimson.com/topic/sponsored-successful-harvard-essays-20xx/。把年號換上，即可訪問到這些網址。

你可能已經從各類機構處拿到過這些所謂的哈佛成功文，但沒有人聽說過本篇所講的事。在2022和2023兩季的20篇文書中，Crimson出了個騷操作。2022年8月，照常PO出的十篇文書。2023年8月，文書也PO出來隻有七篇，盡管這個網頁的Title仍為《十篇成功好佛申請文書20XX》。

來到2023年9月，八月所缺的三篇文書被補齊，分別是Connor的《Waking Up Early》、Tony的《Beauty in Complexity》和Anonymous的《Grandfather’s Butterflies》。Tony和Anonymous的這兩篇，其實在一年前在《十篇成功哈佛申請2022》裏就已經PO過。而且Tony的這一篇，還同時留在2022裏。而Anonymous的那篇《Grandfather’s Butterflies》，本來是《2022》裏、作者為Michelle G的那一篇。這時候，《Grandfather’s Butterflies》被從2022文書中替換下來，換上的是一篇作者為Sean的《Butterflies》。除了這兩篇外，《2023》還缺一篇才夠十篇。Crimson又加了一篇Connor的《Waking Up Early》。等到了2024年3月，被作為Anonymous（Michelle G）的那Grandfather’s Butterflies》又被從2023頁麵裏撤下，換上此時放在《2022》的Sean《Butterflies》。

這一年的Crimson，讓人覺得很顯然是在湊那十篇的數。難道，堂堂哈佛校報，拿不出十篇像樣的當季文書嗎？2023年的文書到底出了怎樣的問題？

十篇像樣的當季文書，哈佛肯定是有的。但，關鍵是要能傳達出哈佛當季推崇的價值主題，那就不一定湊得夠數了。什麽價值主題？我們趁2024年的文書還沒有PO出的時機，慢慢說來你聽。咱還不知道，對於即將PO出2024十篇哈文，Crimson會不會再騷那麽一次。不管怎麽說，我希望這一篇，對處於2024-25申請季中的你，是有用的。

我們就先來讀讀這七篇文書吧。

Harvard Essays 2023 on Crimson Georgina| Lemonade with no Lemon (Lebanese 1G Girl) Abby    | Family at Barnes & Noble (Ethiopian 1G Girl) Marina  | Backyard Four Corners (Cuban 1G Girl)   Una     | Seeing Without Looking (Latino 1G Girl)   Simar   | First Haircut At Age 17 (Sikh 1G Boy) Samantha| I Am A Storyteller (Poem non-eth Girl) Amy     | The Color of Everything (Diversity non-eth Girl)

 首PO七篇文書裏的前五篇，分別是黎巴嫩女孩的《沒檸檬的檸檬水》、埃塞俄比亞女孩的《B&N書店讀書》、古巴女孩的《後院》、拉美裔女孩的《不視而見》，還有17歲錫克男孩的《第一次理發》，故事中都帶有明顯的新移民屬性。雖然我還不能100%確定，但從字裏行間我們可以感受出故事的1G屬性，即作者將是家裏的第一代大學生。

那麽，這七篇文書的寫作質量如何？我們逐篇讀來。

第一篇Georgina 的《Lemonade with no Lemon》

With the blazing morning sun beaming through the window, I had an inclination to make a stand to sell Lebanese laymounada - a light lemonade flavored with a splash of rosewater. Throughout my childhood, anytime the temperature spiked over seventy degrees, there would be laymounada waiting for me at my Teta’s (grandmother in Lebanese Arabic) house.

At that moment, I scoured the cabinets and secured the glass pitcher only to realize we did not have lemons. To my disappointment, I realized my days of being an entrepreneur and generating revenue from my laymounada stand were over before they could even begin. I sat at the kitchen table, wallowing in disappointment. I wanted everyone to be able to taste my Teta’s laymounada. Suddenly, I had an idea that would either prove to be inventive or a total failure. I would sell lemonade without the lemons. Revolutionary, right?

I ripped off a rectangular sheet of paper towel and jotted down my business plan. I listed the key elements of the business plan: a drawing of a cup, a rose, and the price- “fifty scents”- to correlate with the rose-themed business. I sat outside of my childhood home located in a cul-de-sac of five houses and sold my neighbors a rose drink- a combination of filtered water, packets of sugar, and a dash of rosewater. Granted, I only made about $10 from a combination of my parents and generous neighbors who did not drink the “lemonade”, but the experience allowed me to realize regardless of the obstacle, if you are passionate, you can persevere. Teta’s laymounada was my introduction to entrepreneurship.

The entrepreneurial skills gained from my laymounada stand allowed me to establish A&G Jewelry, co-founded with my sister when I was twelve. This business focused on representing our Lebanese heritage. Using supplies we found around our house and from our local craft store, we created a variety of pieces that featured traditional Middle Eastern coins, beads, and clay baked into the shape of Lebanon. My sister and I collaborated to create marketing tools to promote our new business. Before we knew it, A&G Jewelry had earned a spot at my church’s annual Lebanese festival. After tirelessly marketing and selling our jewelry for three days straight, we had made over $900 in revenue, which we decided to donate to the church.

Entrepreneurship took a new form in high school when my sister and I founded our second partnership, The Model Brockton City Council. We saw a need to engage our peers in local government by designing a simulation of our city council. We had to collect signatures, present to many administrators, and market our new club. The initial goal to have more people try my lemonade resonated with me as I strived to have more people engage in their civic duties. Today, over twenty-five of my classmates frequently attend my meetings.

 

With my first business venture selling laymounada, I made $10; with A&G Jewelry, $900; with the Model Brockton City Council, the revenue amounted to $0. Although there was not a financial gain, I attained experience as a negotiator, problem solver, creative thinker, and most importantly, I became persistent.

Twelve years have passed since that summer day with my “laymounada,” and I have yet to maintain a long-lasting business. My six-year-old self would have seen this lack of continuity as a colossal failure, but instead, it instilled an intense curiosity in me. Little did I know the experience would remain so vivid after all these years. It has continued to push me, compelling me to challenge myself both academically and entrepreneurially. As I grow older, my intrinsic drive to have a lemonade stand, regardless of whatever obstacles come my way, persists as a deep-seated love of business.

When life doesn’t give you lemons, still make lemonade (or laymounada, as my Teta would say).

對於這篇文書，Crimson按照Hook-Anchor-Story-Growth結構做出評價。Georgina用一個熟識的“檸檬水”概念做Hook吸引讀者注意，再以“缺少檸檬”的現實困難，讓故事有了一個反常的元素，使讀者願花時間仔細閱讀。全篇的行文中，Georgina寫到了很多的細節，讓故事充滿了fun detail，這滿足了敘事寫作的”show, don’t tell”的原則，是文章具有可讀性。最後，Georgina用自己一係列的”商業”經曆，細數了自己從一個隻能賣出10美元檸檬水的小女孩，成長為一個有韌性的negotiator、solver、thinker 創業人。到這裏，即使還沒過任何長期穩定的經營業務，也不妨礙讀者得出結論，作者確實是個有成長潛力的選手。

從凸某角度看，這篇確是一篇標準的文書。我估計的每個學生，都有這樣價值的成長故事，也都可以寫得出這樣的文書來，隻是多數人缺乏這麽下筆的經驗。這篇和多數人所不同的是，它的黎巴嫩移民背景給了作者一個更大的賣點。

除了Crimson給出的評價，值得欣賞的還有這篇的結尾寫法。當作者以簡單的一句重溫自己的新移民生活背景的時候，讀者的心情就一定被帶到了被這篇所能感動的高點，這樣對作者的故事產生更持久的記憶效應。

這個結尾的寫法，我們在中文寫作中都學過，叫首尾呼應。呼應，既可以點睛，也可以升華。這篇的結尾都有。“When life doesn’t give you lemons, still make lemonade”是升華，“laymounada, as my Teta would say”是點睛。

這一篇，結構上有可圈點之處，但在祖孫跨代之間仍缺乏豐富的雙線故事，文字本身也距離優秀還有距離。我的給分是A-。我給過A+的文書，目前還隻有一篇，就是2018年Cassandra Hsiao的《English in our house》。還沒有讀過的，可以點擊鏈接去補課。

第二篇Abby 的《Family at Barnes & Noble》

Barreling through the hallowed, mahogany double doors, I was on a mission. I made a beeline for the back. Behold, a panoply of new prospects, each beckoning me to read them.

Every weekend, my father, my sister, and I make the pilgrimage to Book Mecca. The sensations one meets upon entering Barnes and Noble are unmatched. The aroma of coffee mingles with the crisp perfume of unopened books, and the tinny music drifts from the ceiling speakers, coalescing with the clanking of the Cafe equipment, which is intermittently overcome by the barista's peppy voice on the PA system announcing the latest limited-edition dessert. Where else can one enjoy a triple-layer cheesecake among bookstacks? As Virginia Woolf says, "one cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well."

My family, however, dines on knowledge. To us, Barnes and Noble is an all-you-can-eat buffet for the mind. After we snag our favorite corner table, I sit, like metal to a magnet, immovable for hours.

I may delve into an Agatha Christie novel and attempt to outwit Detective Poirot; though I never win, I find the sleuthing remarkably similar to analyzing confounders the culprits of unexpected results-in my clinical research. Alternatively, I may crack open an atlas to test my memory from the summer when I memorized the entire world map. Or, I might read Animal Farm to better understand the system that ravaged Ethiopia in the late 20th century and forced my grandfather to flee his own village.

Complimenting this mission to satisfy our voracious minds comes an equally important fulfillment: engaging with the coterie of miscellaneous characters we have befriended. After visiting the same Barnes and Noble for eleven years, we have forged friendships with several regulars, including a retired teacher couple, an octogenarian with a seven-year-old brother, and an eternally sunburned man named George who shelters feral cats at his pool company's office. After a dear Barnes and Noble-goer passed away, my heart was comforted when I read in her obituary that she, indeed, would be missed by "the old [bookstore] gang." United by their good humor and love for Barnes and Noble, this unlikely group teaches me that a community can form around anything, no matter how disparate the members are. They show me that, in Aristotle's words, "educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all."

While I have the luxury of Barnes and Noble, my father's reality growing up in rural Ethiopia bears a stark contrast and defines my legacy of education. He received a meager education in a laughable schoolhouse, using sunlight to study by day, and the moonlight by night. When he was nine, my grandfather opened a school so my father could continue beyond 4th grade, unlike many of his peers. My grandfather had no formal education, yet he knew the country's constitution by heart and exhorted nearby villages to educate their children.

My father's dedication to chauffeuring me to the bookstore and the library is an artifact of his father's same dedication. And I am the accumulation of this legacy. Behind me are all of the sacrifices and payoffs of my family's dedication to education, and before me is a lifetime of opportunity and fulfillment. Though I have never met my grandfather, I feel an incredibly palpable connection to him through our shared fervor to learn and teach. My father's and grandfather's stories remind me that education is not a commodity for many, but a privilege that I treat as such. I cherish all of my education's wonderful consequences: the obscure curiosities I have indulged in, the strong sense of identity I have developed, the discernment and morals I have bolstered, the respect I have gained for different viewpoints, and the ambition for excellence that I have inherited and extended. They are what fuel me, my college education, and my drive to pay it forward.

對於這篇文書，Crimson以“aisle essay”來評價其寫作手法，給出“excellent”的評估。即，隨著講述，讀者可以一個對作者來說比較主觀性的時間順序，一個個細節地經曆一個帶有community主題的故事，很有帶入感。

從凸某角度看，這篇還隻是一篇普通的哈佛文書。結構上，祖孫三代的故事情節隻是簡單地前後堆砌，把個人的成長主要置於代際機會的比較中，淡化了故事中最重要的個人閱讀中成長的主價值。從閱讀價值角度看，成長和社區這兩個也都沒有充分展開，隻是點到為止。朽石君的給分，隻是B。類似這篇寫作質量的文書，在2005-2015這十年之間見過不少。如果不是背景本身屬於招生需要，2023年的AO，不應有更多的矚目。我這麽說，算是不帶hindsight的評價。有人肯定不會同意，畢竟這是一篇成功錄取的文書樣本。

 

= = = 後 續 內 容 提 綱= = = 

第三篇，Marina的《Backyard Four Corners》

第四篇，Una的《See without Looking》

第五篇，Simar 的《First Haircut at Age 17》

第六、七量篇，Samantha的《Story Telling》和Amy的《The Color of Everything》

後補三篇

*Connor的《Waking Up Early》

*Tony的《Beauty in Complexity》

*Sean的《Butterfly Identity》

整體上來看：

Harvard Essays 2023 on Crimson Georgina| Lemonade with no Lemon (Lebanese 1G Girl) Abby    | Family at Barnes & Noble (Ethiopian 1G Girl) Marina  | Backyard Four Corners (Cuban 1G Girl)     Una     | Seeing Without Looking (Latino 1G Girl)    Simar   | First Haircut At Age 17 (Sikh 1G Boy) Samantha| I Am A Storyteller (Poem ECs non-ethnic) Amy     | The Color of Everything (diversity non-ethnic) Tony    | Study Wilderness Art (CA URM Boy) Sean    | Butterfly Identity (MA Queerness Boy) Connor  | Working Dad & Me (NH 1G Boy)