College Essay係列(六)：頂級文書の怪咖芝大

頂級好文書の怪咖芝大

 

在美本文書世界裏，能稱得上怪咖的隻有芝加哥大學。

 

既然芝大能把各種Geeks羅進Hyde Park，你就不要奇怪哪天被人問到"what can be divided by zero"，或者"why did the chicken cross the road"。等進來後，你也有機會製造一個屬於你的問題。

 

所以，芝大錄取的文書，幾乎篇篇都是奇文。即使在那些不被錄取的裏麵，也不乏奇文，它們隻是不夠打動那年的AO罷了。方外之Prompts，招來方外之文。下麵就來讀一篇奇文中的奇文。

 

這是一篇2017-18年度主題為What's your armor 的文書，是當年六篇主題的第四個Option。來，看看你不聽文末的解讀，是否讀真的讀懂它。

 

 

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【UChicago Supplement Essay】The late New York Times photographer Bill Cunningham once said "Fashion is the armor to survive the reality of everyday life. I don't think you could do away with it. It would be like doing away with civilization." Tell us about your "armor."

 

Essay by An Anonymous of Class 2022

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I won't knock on wood for luck if the wood isn't demonstrably pure as the waters of the Piscine Molitor. When I say I won't, I don't mean that I will knock on a table, or a bench occasionally through gritted teeth if I'm in dire need of cosmic intervention, no, I mean I will not, under any circumstance, on a train, a plane, or even in Spain, knock on anything other than natural, uncoated in any way, wood. I recognize the scientific irrationality, not just of superstitions, but of being picking nits within a particular superstition. I have my reasons.

 

Two years ago, while scrolling through my Instagram feed, I stumbled across a disconcerting "fact" that probably wasn't a fact. The post asserted that more than ninety-percent of all wooden tables, benches, chairs, etc are not, in fact, strictly wooden. Rather, they are a mix of synthetic materials and wood. Granted, in most cases, the synthetic is likely just a coat of protective varnish, but you see, that tarnishes the product for the superstitious. It was a moment of earth-shattering ramifications. In a matter of three seconds, I questioned every bit of trust I'd ever placed in the universe. It all seemed futile, meaningless. Now, I'm not knocking on wood, I'm knocking on wood that has been coated once, twice, ninety-six times with preservative varnish. At that point, it's just a synthetic graveyard with a foundation of wood. There is no luck to be found in an ungodly cemetery of bones like that. I might as well knock on glass, or grass, or a plastic container. It surpasses trivial in the scheme of things, but imagine I were to have something especially important looming, something that has the potential to frame the context of the rest of my life, something like college applications. Why would I take a chance on something that merely resembles pure wood for luck? I wouldn't. I'd run straight outside, find the nearest tree (the only real guarantee), and knock until my knuckles resembled shredded calf-liver. It's really not worth the risk.

 

Why does it even matter, though? Who, and/or what enforces frivolous matters like outdated pseudo-religious compulsions? I like to imagine that there is a being in charge of each superstition, both the common and obscure. The Being of Repetition would oversee all attempts to cheat one's destiny by uttering a word thirty-seven times, the Being of Self-Induced Discomfort would superintend those who hold their breath while they cross bridges or drive past cemeteries, and the Being of Sylvan Knocks would assure that not a single soul who bops their knuckles on a tarnished, synthetic-wood abomination receives their prize of favor. This being watches and keeps tabs on those foolish enough to put their faith in the preternatural equivalent of fool's gold, and shames them by leaving their worlds deservedly unaltered. However, those who are devoted enough to search out the nearest tree and give it a few raps for good measure, will find magnificent rewards from their generous karmic sugar daddy. Call me a purist, call me ridiculous, but I'm convinced that this is the indisputable truth.

 

So convinced, in fact, that those closest to me have picked up on my idiosyncratic neurosis. I've been lucky enough to enjoy the friendship of observant souls, one of whom, named Jack, happens to be a skilled woodworker. Upon confessing to him my cognitive dissonance of being vehemently non-superstitious, while also controlled like a marionette by this irrational belief, he took it upon himself to, at the very least, ease the inconvenience of finding a tree in my panic. He gave me a teardrop-shaped, knuckle-sized piece of pure wood. Not just that, but he put a small hole in it so that it would fit on my keychain. I carry it everywhere. I give it a little knock every now and then just for the extra luck. Knowing that no matter the place, no matter the scenario, I'm always in the good graces of the Being of Sylvan Knocks means that I never again have to add "find a tree" to my mental to-do list. It means release—means freedom.

 

Maybe one day I'll get over my manneristic malady, but until that day comes, I'll keep carrying my teardrop everywhere I go, and hope that Jack never tells me that my charm is anything less than Piscine pure, unadulterated luck. Knock on wood, right?

 

 

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奇文の無要素

 

這篇Knock Wood文書隻有兩、三處生字。比如，Piscine Molitor、sylvan或者karmic。這些其實並不影響讀懂它的意義。但是，讀過的人們都隻驚豔此文充滿想像力的語言，沒有誰真正讀懂它。

 

作者使用了不尋常的暗喻手法，隱藏了本文的真實意境。讀懂它了，你才會感慨一個未來Maroon的精致心思，仿佛你是透過一片金箔麵具看清那個法老的不朽麵容。

 

正是如此，這篇Konck Wood的奇文，才更具學習的價值。

 

1. 主題：Only knock pure wood

   此文字麵的意思是表達自己絕不敲不純的木頭，包括那些其實是塑料的、塗著厚厚或淺淺漆料，或者合成木頭。不得不敲的時候，作者隻會跑出去，在最近處找一棵真正的樹去敲。這個暗喻的主題，其實指的是大學申請。作者隻會在離自己近地方（芝加哥）找真正的純木（芝大）。

    

2. 細節：Jack the observant soul

   全篇的場景描述的舞台色彩濃厚，仿佛一個童話劇的主角在講述故事。但不得不說，這些並非我們要說的細節。近結尾處引出一個給"我"淚滴形純木的朋友叫Jack，是本文唯一的細節。去芝大AO List中查詢，不難找出叫Jack者和他的管片。不過，現在看到的已不是2017年安排。

    

3. 訴求：Knock on wood, right?

   滿紙暗喻，隻為伊人懂。但那隻是作者一廂情願的想法。作者如何表明訴求？請看結尾段：直到Jack真的把如淚滴般的純木發來給"我"之前，"我"都還隻能到處奔走灑淚。Jack啊，"我"希望你會說"我"如莫利托爾的池水般一塵不染。Jack啊，能讓我獲得你手中的那片純木（芝大錄取）嗎？