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By melissa lafsky — Written on Dec 24, 2022
If someone instructed you to "Go over there and flirt with that guy," you'd inherently know what to do. You'd communicate through a series of body language signals, both conscious and subconscious, that you're interested and open to his advances.
Cues — a beaming smile, a casual hair flip, a coy lean forward when he speaks, and an empathetic cocking of your head — would send the crystal-clear message that you want him.
But what you may not realize is that every other time you see each other, from the first date to the first super-charged roll in the hay to the breakup coffee (or the honeymoon, depending on how things go), you'll be using these same nonverbal cues to continually communicate with each other and with anyone else you date.
Learning how to tell if a guy likes you and recognizing his body language can be one of the most important skills in your dating arsenal.
On a good date, you'll have surefire proof he's into you, and on a less-than-great date, you'll be saved from potential embarrassment or even clued into the fact that he's not worth a second drink.
Instinctively, you know that a guy's facial expressions, gestures, and mannerisms are windows into his mind and emotional state. But deciphering all these cues can be daunting or downright maddening.
You're already at a disadvantage. Studies have shown that you're not as good at reading expressions as you think you are, not to mention that the culture you grew up in can influence the way you read expressions.
Every person has his or her own set of body clues, and putting them together can be a lot like solving a jigsaw puzzle. Still, it's always a good idea to arrive armed with basic knowledge.
Here are subtle body language clues that hint he's into you (or not).
Positive body language (AKA, he's into you):
- He gives you long periods of sustained eye contact.
- He moves or leans in closer to you.
- He occasionally looks down and away out of shyness or nervousness.
- He keeps his arms relaxed and uncrossed.
- He gives you real, genuine smiles, as opposed to fake smiles which are mouth-only. A genuine smile is all in the eyes.
Negative body language (AKA he's not that into you):
- He keeps moving or leaning away from you.
- His feet stay pointed away from you or toward an exit.
- He keeps his arms and/or legs crossed for long periods of time.
- He continually rubs or scratches his nose, eyes, or the back of his neck.
- He keeps looking away from you, with his eyes going to the side (as opposed to down).
The key to reading nonverbal signals correctly is context. Reading body signals isn't a matter of black and white.
Just because he crosses his arms doesn't mean he's thinking about dumping you. Did you just share a giant platter of Indian food? Then maybe that arm-cross just means he has indigestion. Maybe he has allergies, so he's constantly scratching his nose. Or maybe he's super nervous, so he's looking down and avoiding your gaze.
If you see one of the negative tells in the list above, it’s a good idea to ask a subtle question or two, like "Are you getting a cold? There's a brutal one going around..." to see if your initial read was right. Just remember to avoid slapping too much meaning on a single behavior.
Look for pairings of multiple cues to give you a firm sense of whether your instincts are on target. In general, anything that indicates "more chances to touch" is a very good sign, like if he grasps your forearm, grazes your cheek, or gently puts his hand on your waist.
Other good signs are if he stands taller around you, laughs at your jokes, says something funny, and then immediately looks to you for a reaction, or positions himself between you and a crowd of people, in a protective stance.
Now that you know what his body language means, here are three major tips to remember when looking for cues.
1. Be aware of a physical pulling away.
If he's giving signs that he's trying to put actual distance between the two of you, don't start picking out china patterns just yet.
Any form of obstacle he puts in the way of being with you — be it leaning backward, tensing his face, or looking over your head at whoever just walked in — is a way of telling you he's not worth the effort.
2. Don't read too much into his body language.
You don't want to drive yourself crazy trying to interpret whether his lack of eye contact means he's disinterested or if he's simply nervous to be on a date with you.
At the end of the day, his eye contact and gestures can say all they want, but if he calls the next day and asks when he can see you again, then you have all the answers you need.
3. Your own body language may be informing his.
As if all this wasn't enough to drive you half insane, remember that he isn't the only one giving off nonverbal cues — you’re doing it as well. Every time you gesture or touch your face or body, you're sending a message, often without realizing it.
While men and women have slightly different body language, the same rules that apply to his nonverbal cues go for you, too.
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Melissa Lafsky is the former editor of the New York Times's Freakonomics blog. She has written for the New York Times, the New York Observer, the Christian Science Monitor, and other publications.
