We all have a story. You. me. The neighbour down the street we rarely talk to.
But much of the time we hide, either in shame, denial or a misplaced belief that what we’ve experienced doesn’t matter to anyone else.
This is what I believe: your story has to matter to YOU before it will matter to anyone else (tweet that!) If you don’t give yourself permission to write and share who you are because of all the fears that keep you silent day in day out, your story will die with you.
That’s the hard truth.
And none of us really wants our story to die with us. We all want to leave a part of ourselves behind, something that says we were here, we mattered and we did something purposeful.
Often our stories are hard.
Sometimes our stories are full of shame.
And sometimes we want to run as far away from them as possible.
But when you give yourself permission to write your story, you lay claim to your truth (tweet that!) and what brought you to the place where you stand right now. In writing it down, you own it.
Is it really worth the effort?
Have you ever noticed when you’re going through something painful and you share it with others how many have endured the same thing? Until that point you may have thought you were alone, then you realize we are all living different versions of the same stories.
Your story is something to slowly unwrap and savour, not for how amazing or tragic it has been, but for the gifts it has to offer you, and the people whose lives you touch, in the present and future.
This isn’t about turning your story into a Hollywood blockbuster; it’s about recognizing the path you’ve taken, where you’ve veered off course, and how to find your way back to self.
The human experience revolves around only a few themes, yet we all have our own unique story. Imagine how many billions of stories exist, yet every one of them is different. Unique perspectives with unique emotions and reactions. Personally I’d love to know as many of those stories as possible—not the biography version, but the heart, the human heart behind the lot of them.
If you think yours isn’t unique or interesting, think again. Every story has purpose, and when you can stand in the truth of that story, it becomes a gift to whomever you share it with.
Why permission is tough
Permission is complicated. When I’ve seen people run from their story it’s usually for one of three reasons:
1. Fear: Will I hurt the ones I love? Will I be laughed at or rejected?
We may be the main character in our story but we also have a supporting cast around us. Telling our story may have adverse affects on those people and even invoke fear around their reaction. But our biggest fear is that our story will not be held with the love and value we feel it deserves. If we remain silent, we can’t be hurt.
But silence can also be toxic.
2. Pain: Do I want to feel it all again?
People who feel compelled to write their stories have usually learned a huge life lesson and feel their message is profound enough to share with others. But the pain itself can often be a barrier to sharing the story. We fear re-living painful memories. But unless we re-enter the past with a redemptive perspective we can never be truly free of it (tweet that!)
3. Shame: Do I want others to know my truth?
The truth of our stories is often far from the fairytale we dreamed of as a child. If it’s messy and painful, it may also be a huge source of shame. Shame silences us, and in the words of Anaïs Nin, it is “the lie someone told you about yourself.”
Telling your story gives you an opportunity to step away from that place of shame and stand in a place of truth.
Where to write your story
You don’t have to begin with a memoir. Think baby steps. Could you write about one particular event or life-changing moment in your story and blog about it, or write an essay? If that all sounds too public for you, what about starting with your journal?
I have a friend who wrote a series of personal essays for her family so their history would always be documented. It doesn’t have to be amazing writing; the simple act of releasing words in whatever format can lead to a new perspective, healing and forgiveness and bring us closer to our authentic selves.
Sharing in safe places
I’ve seen people share their story, either verbally or in writing, in unsafe places. That is, they have shared to a friend or group that isn’t ready to hear. Sometimes all it takes is one negative response and all the barriers talked about above become a steel fortress that keeps us hidden behind our story for several more years, if not a lifetime.
There’s no rule for when or how to share your story; you know which environments and people are safe in your world. Simply be mindful that not everyone is ready to hear and there is always a time and place.
Begin in the safest place you know, which may even be your journal. After that, take another step—talk to a friend or write a guest post for a site that shares about similar topics. The most important thing is to take the first step because “there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you” (Maya Angelou).
So go ahead—give yourself permission to write and share the words that will bring healing, set you free and become a gift to others with a similar story. It’s worth the journey.
Where are you with writing your story? What are the biggest barriers you have to doing so? Share in the comments!
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If you enjoyed this post check out these other posts on writing and sharing your story:
Writing Your Story: Two Questions you Need to Answer
Someone Needs to Hear Your Story
How to Find the Heart of Your Story
Why We Need To Write Where It Hurts
Image credit: Dina Ferreira Stoddard, Klutch Photography
I see it’s overwhelmingly difficult for people to open up about their stories when they have been wronged, but as someone who has been the wrong doer I’ve found the fear of learning to be deeply and completely honest the weight of the world. I’ve worked for over twenty years to become honest about my struggles and only recently been able to start venturing into the public arena of sharing.
Hi Travis – thank you for sharing your thoughts. Yes, I think depending on our specific circumstances it can take a long time to be ready to step out and share. I am just glad that you have and hope that your story has been received with the respect it deserves.
Claire, I love this so much. It’s so true. My story has shameful moments…it is hard to share. But the more I do, the more I am able to realize that I am not what I once did. Writing your story requires so much courage, but is worth it. Thank you for articulating this so very well. <3
Thanks Sarah
You are so right – you are not what you once did. I love that you are stepping out and sharing your story – it takes courage, vulnerability and a willingness to look at the past from a new perspective. I’d love to hear your story sometime.
Beautifully written, Claire. It goes straight to the heart. Or perhaps it’s the gut. Nevertheless, I love your writing style and the gentle encouragement to share our stories. I always enjoy what you write, but it often goes deeper than that. Your words stir deep places within. It’s truly a gift from God to be able to authentically do that as a writer. You do. Thank you. Your words are uniquely anointed to help people learn how to heal through the process of writing.
Michelle your words are such a gift to me today – THANK YOU! And this: “Your words are uniquely anointed to help people learn how to heal through the process of writing.” Wow!
Thank you for such a poignant post! Yes, we all have our stories. Life is hard. At times it gets harder before it levels off. My story was private. However, through the healing thoughts and words of people like you, Claire, you offer a safe place to allow my story to begin to be told. Fortunately, I have been able to begin letting it out as a blessing to others more and more and plan to continue to do so….THANK YOU …Bruce
HI Bruce – I’m so happy you have come to that place where you feel brave enough to share your words to bless others and to heal yourself. Keep going – it’s so worth the journey, even if there are bumps along the way.
I did it! I wrote my story in small parts over time and have put it together in bits and pieces to make a book. I published it and then did not promote. Baby steps here. I relived so much and some was hard to write and once finished harder to share. I’m convinced I will get there in the end and will step out to speak boldly about the book.
Hi Brenda – first of all, congratulations for actually finishing your book. That’s the biggest step. You will get there in the end and come to a place where you can speak boldly about your boo. Baby steps is right – this is not a quick process.
I am so grateful for this. I’ve had it open in my browser for a few days, because it took me a bit to work up the courage to read it. I’m so glad I did. Every word here resonates with me so deeply. My husband and I just launched a blog about our marriage and how it’s survived some pretty intense things (www.itsnotover.net) and we are slowly unwrapping and savoring our story while hoping what we share will be a blessing to others…and maybe even help someone in some way. Even though it’s scary.
Hi Laura – thanks so much for working up the courage to read! I just checked out your blog and I think your story will be an amazing gift to many couples. It is scary, but it’s a good good thing
I find it hard to be completely authentic in my writing at times. There’s one side of my brain telling me I need to write what people want to hear. There’s another side telling me that I’m sharing too much. It’s hard to find the balance. I want to write for me, but I also want to be cognizant of those who will read it.
Hi Chiereme – I think you have to consider your audience but unless you write what’s in your heart I don’t think you will connect with them. Your writing has to come from a place where it makes you come alive.
Wonderful article, as always. I find such encouragement in your posts; I know I’m always going to find some kind of nugget of truth or wisdom, something to inspire me, or something to propel me forward. I’ve already written a memoir; I started it at 13 and finished it at 20. I’m now beginning the writing of my second. My biggest barriers are fear that I won’t do it right and the pain of facing old memories. Your articles are helping me so much in the meantime! Thank you!
That’s so great to know Ruth!! I hope writing your second memoir goes well
The thing about sharing your story with others is, it opens a window so that others see in to the deepest part of you. That is not something I readily share with anyone. I have found that in recent years, writing in a journal has been helpful, if not therapeutic.
So true Sherry – a journal can be one of the most therapeutic ways in which we grow.
I grew up thinking I was so different, due to things that had happened to me and my family, that I became sort of reclusive. In essence, I crawled into a dark hole for much of my childhood and into adulthood. Eventually, I heard others that had experienced similar situations that I had as a child. It inspired me and caused me to realize that my story was not something to be ashamed of but might possibly have an impact on another! Once I came to that realization, I have lived as an open book, willing to relive elements of my life without shame or fear of embarrassment.
Never fear the value of becoming vulnerable!
So true Bob – from a place of authentic vulnerability we can really connect and grow. Good for you for overcoming shame and fear and sharing yours.
I’m struggling to discern if there is some story of struggle or shame or fear that I have inside me
Never really thought much about sharing my story, because I’ve always looked at it like “if it rates being public knowledge, it will be shared at the right time. Then there is the privacy of not sharing all my business with just anyone.
Never really thought about it that way – that if we don’t share our story, it will never be heard. I’ve always been the more reserved type, but will make more of an effort to share my story with others.
I have held life in for SOOO many years and now I’m learning that there are people that can hear and accept you. More importantly, to find others that have gone through the same types of hurt or situations, is an answer to prayer. As I share things about my past, the result is guiding me to a better future!
HI! Your words are so precious and it’s hard to believe that anyone would find something useful out of me sharing my story. I love what you write about overcoming shame and giving yourself permission to share, feel, etc. I have been trying to continuously due this for years. Some things come easy and other don’t
Sharing my life stories with others has always been very difficult. I have recently been through a situation that I had no choice but to share with others . Find the right people or person and free yourself!
Hi Dorothy – thanks for commenting. Yes, sharing our stories can be so difficult, especially if there is pain and shame. Finding the right person or people to share with is essential. There needs to be trust and security in the relationship. If we can find that there is a huge sense of relief in sharing.
I am happy to share. Hard for me to believe that others are interested but will take another small step here.