我這個無可救藥的中國丈夫喜歡吃中餐，更樂於挽袖下廚。 從前在歐洲當留學生時我就喜歡在自己的蝸居裏玩鍋碗,弄瓢盆,演奏個人打擊樂音樂會，並常常請一幫窮留學生分享我的傑作。 不過妻子精於法式烹飪並且酷愛維持室內清潔。中國庖丁總是喜歡什麽都油煎油爆，是一個大油耗子和大汙染源,因此妻子根本不理會中國庖丁的一廂情願並毫不留情地請其下崗。有一天，下崗廚師終於忍不住請妻子讓賢：“親愛的，今天我想做中國菜，做一桌川菜，讓咱們一飽口福。你把廚房借給我好嗎?”“沒問題！不過油煙不要太大。”習慣於清水煮菜的夫人叮囑道，顯得有些興奮,也有些擔心。我這位廚師關好廚房門,然後就在裏麵興高采烈丁零當啷地演奏起鍋碗瓢盆打擊樂並跳起了鍋邊舞。 菜譜早在一周前就已經定好， 很快濃烈的川菜香在房子裏彌漫開來。我端出第一道香噴噴的“哆來咪發嗦”——幾盤涼菜: 撒滿香菜的鬆花蛋、撒滿辣椒麵的涼拌豬耳朵絲、四川泡菜。“快來, 親愛的!”我得意洋洋地大叫。
為了配合中國大廚的傑作，我那可愛的妻子特意穿上中國紅色旗袍。 她邁著小碎步，款款來到飯廳。“這是什麽？”妻子疑惑地指著盤裏的黑東西。 “這是中國的特產——鬆花蛋. 其香無比。 嚐嚐吧！” 看到妻子猶豫不決的樣子， 我親自把一牙皮蛋送到了她的嘴邊。“真可怕! 怎麽這麽臭？”她眉頭緊鎖，差一點兒就要吐出來。“親愛的，鬆花蛋這麽香，你怎麽會覺得它惡心？”我大惑不解。看著她那烏雲密布的臉，我趕緊使用靈丹妙藥：“我愛你！”神藥起了作用，她臉上隨即雲開日出。不過她決不願意再冒險咬上一口。
“嚐嚐四川泡菜吧！這是我親手製作的。啊，真開胃！”我又用筷子夾了一塊泡蘿卜放進她嘴裏。“哇，老天爺, 真酸！”夫人打了個寒顫，咬緊牙關。“來來來，再嚐嚐這個好東西。在七十年代, 我們隻有在春節時才能吃到它。 它的味道決不比你們法國特產鵝肝醬差！”我忍不住向她推薦這道傳統的中國菜， 急切地把一小條豬耳朵送到了她嘴邊。“
這又是什麽？”她警惕起來。“豬耳朵。” “我的媽呀！你真吃豬耳朵？”她緊閉雙眼，驚恐萬狀, 像落入食肉生番的手裏。“親愛的，不要怕，好菜都在後頭。”我端出一盤熱氣騰騰的豆腐、一盤魚香肉絲和一盤紅燒豬蹄。“辣辣的麻婆豆腐是四川特色菜，來嚐嚐！”我一邊說，一邊將菜放到她盤裏。夫人刀叉齊下，把豆腐殺了個粉身碎骨。“哎呀，我的舌頭怎麽沒啦？” 她大聲驚呼。 “不要慌， 麻婆豆腐裏的花椒正在給你的舌頭消毒!” 我鎮靜自若，並向她展示另一道菜。“來，再來點魚香肉絲。這也是我的傑作，我的拿手好戲。” 我把滿滿一勺肉絲塞進她嘴裏。 “我嘴裏起火了！快快撲火！” 妻子淚如雨下, 拚命求救。 我一看情況不妙，趕緊把一勺白米飯塞進她噴火的嘴裏。火終於撲滅，但妻子卻成了麵紅耳赤的淚美人。 “親愛的，真對不起。但四川菜以麻辣為特色，我在魚鄉肉絲裏加了些辣椒和花椒。 我想讓它像我們的愛情那樣火辣。 不過我以後不會再這樣做飯了。”
As a husband who remains irremediably Chinese, I enjoy eating Chinese food and in particular cooking Chinese food. Even as a student during my early days in Europe, I had enjoyed performing my "percussion concert" with pans, bowls, spoons and tubs in my tiny studio and used to invite a band of hard-up Chinese students to share my "masterpieces." However, my wife, good at French cooking and furthermore keen to keep a high standard of hygiene in our house, categorically dismissed my efforts as a Chinese chef, who stir-fried everything, and thus was a big consumer of oil and a big source of pollution. One day, however, the laid-off chef, could not help asking her to step down to make room for him: "My darling, today, I really want to prepare some Chinese food, a Sichuan speciality for us to feast upon. Could you please lend me the kitchen?" "No problem, but don't make too much greasy dirt." My wife, used to cooking in pure water, was excited, but a little bit worried. I shut the door and, as a cook, began to play happily and loudly with the cooking utensils and dance around the oven. The menu was fixed one week earlier. Soon, the strong smell of Sichuan delicacies spread all over the house and I appeared with the first course of savouries "Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So" ?several cold dishes: a preserved egg dressed with coriander, pig's ear covered in pepper, Sichuan style pickles. "Come on, Darling! " I proudly called out.
Dressed in a red cheongsam to match the chef's masterpieces, my lovely wife came with deliberate steps into the dining room. "What's this?" She asked doubtfully, pointing at the black egg on the plate. "This is a Chinese speciality, Songhuadan. It is a real delicacy. Taste it." Seeing her hesitating, I brought a piece of Songhuadan up to her mouth. "Horrible! Why is it so smelly?" she frowned, nearly vomiting it up. "My darling, it is delicious! Why do you find it disgusting?" I was puzzled. Seeing dark clouds cover her face, I hastened to resort to the usual panacea "I love you." The magic remedy produced the desired result: the clouds dispersed and her face was brightened again by sunshine. However she resolutely refused to venture a further bite.
"Please taste this Sichuan style pickle. I made it myself. Wow, it is really appetizing!" With my chopsticks, I put a radish pickle into her mouth! "My god, too sour!" She shivered and gritted her teeth. "Come on, please taste this delicacy! In the seventies we could afford it only during the Chinese New Year. It is as good as the French speciality: duck liver p" I could not stop myself suggesting the traditional Chinese dish. Eagerly, I put one slice in front of her mouth. "What's this?" She became more vigilant. "Pig's ear!" "My goodness! Do you really eat pig's ear?" She closed her eyes, frightened, as if she had fallen into the hands of cannibals.
"My darling, don't panic. The best dishes will be following." I brought out a plate of piping hot bean curd, a plate of meat shreds in fish flavour and a plate of pig's paws braised in soy sauce. "The spicy Mapo bean curd is a Sichuan speciality, please try it!" While urging her, I put it on her plate. Waving her knife and fork, whoops, she smashed it to pieces, crushing it to pulp. "Oh no, I can't feel my tongue anymore!" She cried, panic-stricken. "Don't worry. The prickly ash in the Mapo bean curd is disinfecting your tongue!" I remained calm and showed her another dish. "Come on, please try a little bit of Yuxiang pork shreds. It is my masterpiece: a special number!" I quickly served a spoonful. "My month is on fire. Please put it out!" Tears falling like raindrops, she asked for help. Seeing her suffering, I immediately brought a spoonful of rice to her burning mouth. The fire was finally extinguished, but she was still a blushing beauty in tears. "Darling, I'm very sorry, but Sichuan food is known for its hot and pungent taste. I have put pepper and Chinese prickly ash in it. You know, I want to make it as spicy as our love! Anyhow, I will not continue to cook in the same way!"