我為什麽相信耶穌

    我相信耶穌，不是出於理性，也不是基於知識，而是一種感情，就像一個幾乎溺死的人抓住了救生圈。

    我出生在1948年。我的父親當時是國民黨兵，戰敗後流落到香港。1950年，我的母親和舅舅被關進監獄，我和祖母生活在鄉下。祖母經受過很多的磨難，最痛心的一次是她曾經迫不得已在槍口下屈膝，她沒有被射死，但她卻在那次事件後選擇了自殺。

    當射擊的槍聲響起時，祖母的心死了，這個世界也死了。除了那些難以承受的痛苦以外，一切都不存在了。我的父親毅然退學並加入了抗日的隊伍。當時我的祖母甚至不知道他參軍的事，因為我父親沒有告訴她，她也不會讀書和寫字。

    後來，我也未能幸免於難，子彈也幾乎要過我的命。在一個漫長的黑夜裏，祖母凝視著我，撫摸著我，一個四歲的孩子，睡得是那麽深沉，祖母是多麽不願意把我一個人留在這個世界上啊！淩晨四點，她輕輕地走出家門，縱身跳進了池塘。。。。。。盡管我現在已經是一位61歲的老人，可每當想起那一晚的情景，我仍是難以抑製自己的眼淚。感謝上帝！當祖母出門時有人看到了她，並及時把她救起。

    1963年，我逃到了香港，在那裏見到了我的父親。我們都深深地懷念著祖母。我每次夢見她，醒來都以是淚流滿麵。為了不吵到別人，我總是盡力克製住哭泣聲，第二天醒來時，發現由於太用力地克製哭聲，我的頸項扭傷得很嚴重。

    1963年我進入了四年級的課程學習，後又在1968年學習電子工程專業。我每天至少學習14個小時，如饑似渴地要知道這世界是怎樣的。圖書館裏的書，我一本接著一本地讀，直到我覺得耳鳴。可是我讀得越多，我的心情越差。上帝啊！還有更多的人比我更不幸。這是我的偏激想法嗎？我不知道。

    我開始轉向耶穌是在讀了《聖經》以後。很久以前猶太人問的很多問題也是我心中的問題。這些問題就好像是回蕩在幾千年曆史走廊裏的回聲。我發現我的這些問題已經存在很久了，它們可能從有了人類就開始有了。聖經所描述的我們賴以生存的世界（過去的）正如我今天所經曆的一樣。

    我知道自己有些偏激，或許還是一個很不幸的人。但我還是真誠地希望大家過得好。願你們有一個美好的人生。畢竟，這是我認識耶穌的經曆，靠著耶穌，我又重新擁有了生命。

    我真誠的希望你也擁有耶穌。

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追記：

    信主之後，及至暮年, 我深深感到兒時的事（四, 五歲時）自己也有責任。從我成年到現在這三, 四十年中, 也曾見過有需要幫助的四, 五歲的孩子, 就像自己當年一樣,而我卻未能給與幫忙。兒時的事就怪我自己吧。不過，我也覺得有錢的人應當付多點的責任，如果不付責任的話, 他就是虧欠了。


The reason I believe in Jesus, is not based on reasoning, nor based on understanding. It is sort of emotional, sort of like a drowning person hold on to a piece of floating material.

I was born in 1948. My father was a KMT soldier, defeated and left to Hong Kong. My mother and uncle were put in jail after 1950. My grandmother took care of me in our village, but she had been through a lot of torture. The worst was to kneel down in front of a firing squad. She was not shot, but she committed suicide after that incident.

When the gun fired, the heart of my grandmother died. The world died. There is nothing anymore, except some pain which was too much for her to bear. My father just quit school and joined the army to fight Japanese. My grandmother did not even know about his joining the army, because my father did not tell her. She could not read and write.

It also happened to me. The firing bullet also killed me. My grandmother stared at me in the darkness all night long. She touched me all night long. I was 4 years of age, deeply sleeping. My grandmother did not want to leave me alone in this world. She went out to jump to the pond before dawn. Every time, when I think of this night, I cannot stop the tears in my eyes from falling, even now a 61 years old man. Thank God, someone followed her and saved her from drowning.

I escaped to Hong Kong in 1963, and met my father there. We both missed my grandmother so much. I dreamed of her, and woke up in tears. I could not make any sound because other people were sleeping. My neck hurt badly the next day because I tried too hard to hold down my crying.

Then I entered 4th grade in 1963, and Electrical Engineering in 1968. I studied at least 14 hours a day. Yet what a world this is anyway. I really want to find out. I read in Library books after books, until my ears started to ring. The more I read, the worse I feel. God, there are (were) so many people even more miserable than I am. Am I biased? I do not know.

I turned to believe in Jesus after I read the Bible. There are many questions in the Bible asked by some Jews long time ago, but these questions are also deeply existed in my heart. They are like echo ringing in a time space over 2-4 thousand years. My questions existed long time ago. They might have been there since the beginning of mankind. The Bible also describes the lives in this world exactly like what I had experienced.

I know I am biased, and I am too sad a person. Sincerely I wish you all the best. Wish you a good life. Yet this is how I found Jesus, and through Jesus, I live again.

Sincerely I hope you have Jesus too.