嫁給自己的男人原著：查理•費什
漢譯：惠蘭
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一
“為什麽不可以呢？”
就這一句話，我的好朋友，紮特伽牧師改變了我人生的路。對我說這話的時候，他剛剛花了兩個小時與主教弗來明通話，討論了《聖經》裏不同的部分，詳詳細細地檢查了每一個細節。他指出猶太聖經警告基督徒不能與姊妹結婚，不能與姑姑、姨媽、母親，嶽母，女兒，甚至他們的孫女（如果他們被誘惑的話）結婚。但在那本好書裏沒有一個地方有規定不能與自己結婚。所以，當我告訴紮特伽牧師那正是我想做的事時，他終於說出了這句決定命運的話：
“為什麽不可以呢？”
當然，《聖經》也忽略了禁止任何人娶他的曾祖母，娶他的桌子，或者寵物魚。我一點也不會奇怪，如果我知道主教弗萊明因為沒有如此的規定而最終娶了他鍾愛的法國卷毛狗，或者娶了他的毯子——他反正已經和它一起睡了很多年。不管怎樣，在我說服那好牧師讓我娶我夢想的男人時，我必須說服我的母親和父親。我得說，在一個已建立了兩千多年的國際性的宗教與我不起眼的父母之間，我父母要遠遠難以說服得多。
開始我母親根本就不把這當回事兒。是的，幾乎沒有人會把它當真，但我要讓她知道我是認真的。她不斷問我愚蠢的問題，比如“為什麽要結婚——你可以與自己過活呀？”或者“在婚禮上你穿什麽？
並且悲哀的是，這想法使我父親近於發狂，真的發狂！在婚禮後的很多年他花了很多時間為各種各樣的雜誌，錄音書籍以及空間管理通訊寫文章，說他是第一個在太空中有性行為的人。他看來很自信，盡管事實上他與太空最接近的東西隻是他計算機鍵盤上那大大的鍵扣。當別人問起他與誰在太空發生性關係時，他為創造戲劇性效果，通常會停一會，用他野性的目光看著你，尖叫到“我自己！”
我希望我可以信賴我最好的朋友們對我的事表示同情，但是我覺得他們認為這是一個玩笑。他們通常很支持我，但在婚禮之後，他們花了很多時候來開我玩笑。我從他們那裏收到的一些婚禮禮品很不友好：黃色雜誌，絲手套，甚至一個天花板鏡。而且我很失望當紮特伽牧師背誦結婚誓言時他們沒法忍住他們的竊笑：“作為一個丈夫，你在婚姻裏能保持象一個人一樣生活嗎？你會熱愛並安撫你自己，服從並敬重你自己，在病疼和健康時，隻要活著就忠於你自己嗎？”我發誓我一個朋友笑得連尿都流出來了。
二
我到拉斯維加斯度了個很好的蜜月，睹掉了我所有的積蓄，沒有人嘮叨我花了多少錢，我在拉克斯爾賓館有一個私人包間，為一晚的消費……
除了稅收方麵的好處（當然試圖說服稅務員我是我自己的配偶簡直就像到地獄一樣艱難），我有很多理由嫁自己。自從我懂得什麽是結婚以來，我一直渴望找一個我能信任的夥伴，我想要一個人總是和我在一起，我可以對他訴說我最隱秘最黑暗的秘密而不被笑話。可惜，盡管找女朋友對我不是太大的問題，我總是對此感到令人痛苦的味道。於是我意識到我理想的夥伴比任何人想象的離我都更近。
總之，我認為我的婚姻大部分是成功的。我很少與配偶爭論，事實上我發現自己是最好的談話者。我爭論過幾次，但我總是贏。至於性嘛——那是由我操縱。自然，有一些媒體侵犯，很多廉價記者們想在這個不尋常的婚姻中獲利。我發現他們的一些文章很好玩，而另一些令人生氣，特別是那些認為我是這世界上最自負，或者最自戀的人。我不覺得我是這樣一個狂妄的人，我隻是享受我的伴侶。
我想可能是激素的關係，一個生命的階段或什麽東西，我突然很想要一個孩子。老調是我意識到我是要死的，因此想要把我的基因傳下去。因此，好多天左思右想、反複平衡後，我決定與我丈夫分手以便找一個妻子。我和紮特伽牧師談了，他告訴我，不能說離就離。我必須得有合法的理由。有趣的是，想要一個孩子不在離婚合法理由的單子上。
正如好牧師解釋那樣，我隻有在與我配偶分居至少一年才能離婚，這顯然辦不到，除非做個大手術，或者我的配偶對我很殘酷，或者配偶被監禁至少一年。我並不願意痛打自己一頓，或者在監獄裏晃蕩以便與自己離婚。唯一的辦法是通奸。我隻需要與不是自己的任何人發生關係，正常的，直接的，人與人之間的性，就可以解除婚約。
三
因而，我不情願地取下結婚戒指，開始尋找配偶。我的朋友們對我很殘酷，說我分居是為了防止自己變成瞎子。我覺得當我告訴她我要與我自己分開時，我母親鬆了口氣。我父親停了一下，做出戲劇效果，轉過他野性的眼睛看著我，尖聲叫到：“我自己！”也許，他真的是在另一個世界。
我預想著要花不少時間才能找到一個人願意與我睡覺，她又不怎麽讀報紙因而不知道我已結婚，但是很快我就找到一個麵無表情的馬來西亞女孩，她很容易被勾引誘。老實說，那性交非常令人失望。看來她對怎樣激發男人的性欲一竅不通，而我自己已是個老手。我假定這性交對她來說也不怎麽樣——我也好久沒沾女人，不知怎樣討女人的歡心。
那以後離婚就很容易。看起來教堂巴不得把我劈成兩半，好像我的婚姻是個極大的錯誤。離婚之後，有好幾個月我感到很孤獨。至少，那個地方上的心理醫生（專攻多重性格紊亂者）不再每周給我送他那令人討厭的商務卡了。
我花了近十年的時間尋找一個不認為她嫁給了個三角戀的好老婆。大多數時候是等待媒體忘掉“ 那個嫁給自己的男人。” 同時，我用那個標題寫了一份自傳。
在自傳裏有我對我自己婚姻的詳細記載，包括與自己生活的好處與壞處，我怎樣對待別人對我和我丈夫的批評，和我們關係中一些親密的細節。我覺得這些章節使那本書幾年後成為一本暢銷書。人們很好奇閱讀這樣一種奇特婚姻的含義。我想它使人思考。他們會讀我的書而自問：“我容易與人過活嗎？如果我必須與我自己過活，我能做到嗎？”他們全都會停止尋找白馬王子或是合意的公主，有一小會兒，他們會詢問自己是否會成為別人很好的配偶。
四
我再沒有聽說任何照樣畫符的自己嫁自己的事，這也許是因為媒體對這種事不感興趣，或者教堂決定不允許這樣的事再發生。不管怎樣，那些現在全都扔在我身後了。我和老婆剛剛搬進一個新家，大到足夠容納我們將要誕生的孩子。我現在很快樂。事實上，這一刻我不能擦掉臉上的笑容。你看，我的隔壁鄰居是弗來明主教和他可愛的妻子，那隻法國卷毛狗。
注：摘自《小說山莊》一書。2009年3月，人民文學出版社。
英文原文：
ACharlie Fish Translated by Huilan
The Man Who Married Himself
1'
Why not?'
With those two words, my good friend Reverend Zatarga changed the course of my life. When he said them to me, he had just spent two hours on the telephone with Bishop Fleming discussing various sections of the Bible in excruciatingly fine detail. He pointed out that Leviticus warns Christians not to marry their sister, aunt, mother, mother-in-law, daughter or even their granddaughter (should they be tempted). But nowhere in the good book is there a rule against marrying oneself. So when I told Reverend Zatarga that was exactly what I wanted to do, he eventually conceded those two fateful words:
'Why not?'
Of course, the Bible also neglects to forbid anyone from marrying great-grandmothers, tables or pet fish. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Bishop Fleming ended up marrying his beloved French poodle as a result of all this. Or his blanket - after all he's been sleeping with it for years. Anyway, once I convinced the good Reverend to let me marry the man of my dreams, I had to convince my mother and father. I'd have to say that between an international religion, firmly established for two millennia, and my own humble parents, my parents were far more difficult to persuade.
My mother just wouldn't take it seriously at first. OK, very few people took it seriously, but I needed her to know I meant it. She kept asking me silly things like 'Why marry - you can just live with yourself?' or 'What will you wear for the wedding?'
And sadly, it drove my father quite mad. Literally. For years after the wedding he spent days typing up articles for a wide variety of news journals, record books and space administration newsletters claiming that he was the first person to have had sex in space. He seemed quite convinced, despite the fact that the closest he had come to space was the big button on his computer keyboard. When asked who he had allegedly had sex with, he would usually pause briefly for dramatic effect, turn his wild eyes towards you and yell shrilly: 'Myself!'
I would have hoped that I could trust my best friends to be sympathetic towards my cause, but I think it was all a bit of a joke for them. They were often supportive, but after the wedding they just spent a lot of time making fun of me. Some of the wedding presents I received from them were quite demeaning: pornographic magazines, silk gloves, even a ceiling mirror. And I'm disappointed in them for not stifling their mirth when Reverend Zatarga recited the marriage vows: 'Will you keep yourself as a husband, to live as one in marriage? Will you love and comfort yourself, obey and honour yourself in sickness and in health, and be faithful to yourself as long as you shall live?' I swear one of my friends wet himself laughing.
2
I had a great honeymoon in Las Vegas, gambling away all my savings with nobody to nag me about how much money I was spending. I had a penthouse suite in the Luxor hotel for the night of consummation . . .
I had many reasons for getting married when I did, apart from the tax benefits of course (trying to make the tax inspector understand that I was my own spouse was hell, though). Ever since I understood the concept of wedlock, I longed for a partner that I could trust. I wanted to have someone with me always, to whom I could tell all my deepest, darkest secrets without having them laugh at me. Unfortunately, although getting girlfriends was usually not too big a problem for me, I tended to have excruciatingly bad taste. Then I realised that my perfect partner was closer to home than anyone could have realised.
Altogether, I think the marriage was a great success for the most part. I rarely argued with my spouse; in fact I found myself to be the best conversation holder around. The few times that I did argue, I always won. And the sex was, well - it was whatever I made of it. There was some media intrusion of course, lots of cheap journalists trying to cash in on this unusual union. I found some of their articles amusing, and others quite offensive, especially the ones dubbing me the most conceited and/or narcissistic man in the world. I don't think I'm such an egotist, I just happen to enjoy my company.
I suppose it was a hormonal thing, a stage of life or something, that made me suddenly crave a child. The cliche is that I realised I was mortal, and I therefore wanted to pass on my genes. So after many days weighing up the pros and cons I decided to split up from my husband in order to find a wife. I had a chat with Reverend Zatarga, and he informed me that I couldn't just file for a divorce on a moment's notice. I had to have legitimate justification. Curiously, wanting a baby wasn't on the list of good reasons to divorce.
As the good Reverend explained, I could only divorce if I had been living apart from my spouse for at least a year which would be difficult without major surgery or if my spouse had treated me cruelly or been imprisoned for at least a year. I wasn't particularly willing to beat myself up a bit or lounge around in prison just so I could divorce myself. That left one option: Adultery. I just had to have sex with someone other than myself; normal, straight, human sex, and I could be free from the bonds of marriage.
3
And so it was that I reluctantly removed my wedding ring and started searching for a mate. My friends were cruel about it, saying that I was separating to stop myself from going blind. I think my mother was relieved when I told her that my relationship with myself was coming to an end. My father just paused for dramatic effect, turned his wild eyes towards me and yelled shrilly: 'Myself!' Maybe he really is on another world.
I expected it to take me quite a while to find someone who was both willing to sleep with me and who hadn't read the newspapers enough to know that I was already married, but I soon found a plain-faced Malaysian girl who was relatively easy to seduce. The sex was, to be honest, rather disappointing. It seemed that she knew almost nothing of what turns a man on, whereas by that point I myself had become quite an expert. I suppose it wasn't great for her either - I wasn't practised in pleasuring members of the fairer sex.
The divorce was easy after that. It seemed that the church was keen to split me apart, as if my marriage had been a big mistake. I felt quite lonely for several months after the break-up. At least the local psychiatrist (specialising in multiple personality disorders) stopped sending me his damned business cards every week.
It took me nearly a decade to find a good wife who didn't think she'd be marrying into a threesome. Most of that time was just waiting for the media to forget about 'The Man Who Married Himself'. Meanwhile, I wrote an autobiography with that very title. Included in the book was a detailed account of my marriage to myself, including the ups and downs of living with myself, how I dealt with everyone's criticism of me and my husband, and some intimate details of my relationship. I think it was these sections that made the book a real success when it was published some years later. People were just curious to read about the implications of such an unusual marriage. I suppose it made people think. They would read my book and ask themselves: 'Am I easy to live with? If I had to live with me, could I do it?' They all stopped searching for their Mister or Little Miss Right for just a moment to ask themselves if they would ever make a good spouse for anyone.
4
I didn't hear of any copycat self-marriages, which probably either means the media lost interest or the church is determined not to let it happen again. Anyway, that's all behind me now. My wife and I have just moved into a new home, big enough to accommodate our new child when he is born. I am happy now. In fact, right now I can't wipe the smile off my face. You see, our next door neighbours are Bishop Fleming and his lovely wife, the French poodle.
