Chapter 3 ：Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk

第三章 男人需要洞穴  女人需要談話

男女最大的不同，在於他們如何處理壓力。壓力來時，男人會愈來愈集中注意力和變得孤立；女人則愈來愈不知所措和變得情緒化。此時，男人對提升感覺的需求與女人不同，他藉由解決問題來讓自己感覺舒服，女人則藉由談論來使出自己感覺舒服。若不了解或無法接受這個不同，兩性的關係就隻會徒增摩擦。

One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a man's needs for feeling good are different from a woman's He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships.

 

讓我們看一個常見的例子：

Let's look at a common example.

 

湯姆回家後，想藉由看看報紙來輕鬆解脫一下，他這天被那些未解決的問題搞得焦頭爛額，現在他隻想忘了那些事以求得鬆懈。

When Tom comes Home, he wants to relax and unwind by quietly reading the news. He is stressed by the unsolved problems of his day and finds relief through forgetting them.

 

他太太瑪莉也想為這緊張的一天好好放鬆一下，但她想由談論她這天的問題來得到鬆懈。他們兩人的緊張氣氛慢慢形成，逐漸變成了怨恨。

His wife, Mary, also wants to relax from her stressful day. She, however, wants to find relief by talking about the problems of her day. The tension slowly building between them gradually becomes resentment.

 

湯姆心裏暗自認為瑪莉的話太多了，瑪莉卻覺得湯姆忽視她。他們若不了解彼此的不同，將會日益貌合神離。

Tom secretly thinks Mary talks too much, while Mary feels ignored. Without understanding their differences they will grow further apart.

 

你也許知道這種情形，因為這隻是許多男女不和的例子之一。這種情形不隻存在湯姆和瑪莉之間，許多夫妻也都有類似問題。

You probably can recognize this situation because it is just one of many examples where men and women are at odds. This problem is not just Tom and Mary's but is present in almost every relationship.

 

解決湯姆和瑪莉的問題不在於他們彼此有多相愛，而在於他們了解異性的程度。湯姆若不了解女人真的需要藉由談論問題來獲得紓解，他仍舊會以為瑪莉話太多，並抗拒聽她說。瑪莉若不知道湯姆想藉由看報獲得紓解，她就會認為湯姆忽視她，並堅持在他不想談論時，試圖讓他開口。

Solving this problem for Tom and Mary depends not on how much they loved each other but on how much they understood the opposite sex. Without knowing that women really do need to talk about problems to feel better, Tom would continue to think Mary talked too much and resist listening to her. Without knowing that Tom was reading the news to feel better, Mary would feel ignored and neglected. She would persist in trying to get him to talk when he didn't want to.

 

我們可以透過了解男女處理壓力的細節來分析這兩種差異。讓我們再觀察火星人和金星人的生活，搜集一些洞察男人與女人的資訊。

These two differences can be resolved by first understanding in greater detail how men and women cope with stress. Let's again observe life on Mars and Venus and glean some insights about men and women.

 

火星人和金星人處理壓力的方式

COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS

 

火星人難過時絕不說出是什麽事使他困擾，除非他需要幫忙解決問題，否則他不會讓另一個火星人來負擔他的問題。他會沉默地到私人洞穴裏思考問題以尋求解決方法。若他發現了解決方法，他會好過一點，並走出他的洞穴。

When a Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him* He would never burden another Martian with his problem unless his friend's assistance was necessary to solve the problem. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his cave.

 

如果他不能尋得解決方法，他就會做些事來忘記他的問題，譬如看新聞或玩遊戲。他會因心靈得到解脫而逐漸感到輕鬆。如果他的壓力實在很大，他會做更富挑戰的事，如飆車、參加競賽或爬山。

If he can't find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain.

 

火星人藉著獨自到他們的洞穴裏解決問題而獲得紓解。

 

金星人難過或感受壓力時，紓解方式是找她信任的人，然後談論她這天的問題細節。當金星人與他人分享沮喪的感覺後，她能馬上感到舒服。這就是金星人解決壓力的主要方式。

When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day. When Venusians share feelings of being overwhelmed, they suddenly feel better. This is the Venusian way.

 

金星人藉著群聚一起，坦然談論她們的問題而擭得紓解。

 

在金星上，與人分享問題，事實上是愛與信任的表示，而非負擔。金星人不以有問題為恥，她們的自我不是倚賴“能幹”，而是倚賴於愛的關係。她們坦白地分享沮喪、迷惑、無助和疲憊的感覺。

On Venus sharing your problems with another actually is considered a sign of love and trust and not a burden. Venusians are not ashamed of having problems. Their egos are dependent not on looking "competent" but rather on being in loving relationships. They openly share feelings of being overwhelmed, confused, hopeless, and exhausted.

 

金星人以擁有能分享感覺與問題的好朋友為滿足，火星人則以能在他自己的洞穴解決問題而滿足。這種讓自己感覺舒坦的秘密至今仍然適用。

A Venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his cave. These secrets of feeling good are still applicable today.

 

在洞穴中鬆懈壓力

FINDING RELIEF IN THE CAVE

 

男人感受壓力時，會到他心裏的洞穴把自己孤立起來，專心解決問題，他常挑選最急迫或最困難的問題，專心一意地解決，把其他諸事暫時拋諸腦後。

When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.

 

此時，他逐漸變得冷漠、疏忽、沒反應、心不在焉。譬如，當你在家和他講話時，他似乎隻有百分之五的心神放在兩性關係上，而百分之九十五的心神都在洞穴裏解決他自己的問題。

At such times, he becomes increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive, and preoccupied in his relationships. For example, when having a conversation with him at Home, it seems as if only 5 percent of his mind is available for the relationship while the other 95 percent is still at work.

 

他的注意力沒有完全表現出來，因為他在思考自己的問題，盼望能找到解答。壓力愈大，他愈受問題的控製。此時，他無法給與女人平時他所給的注意力和關切。他的心已被問題占滿了，他沒有能力逃脫。但是，隻要他能發現解答，他會馬上得到紓解，並走出他的洞穴，立即回到兩性關係上。

His full awareness is not present because he is mulling over his problem, hoping to find a solution. The more stressed he is the more gripped by the problem he will be. At such times he is incapable of giving a woman the attention and feeling that she normally receives and certainly deserves. Flis mind is preoccupied, and he is powerless to release it. If, however, he can find a solution, instantly he Will feel much better and come out of his cave; suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again.

 

但是，假如他不能找出解答，他會繼續堅守在洞穴裏。為了能暫時脫離洞穴，他會暫時將自己拉出來解決小問題，如看報、看電視、開車、做體操、看足球賽、玩籃球等等。任何隻需百分之五心神的挑戰性活動，都能幫助他暫時忘記他的問題和脫離洞穴。第二天，他可以更全副心力的將心神集中在問題上。

However, if he cannot find a solution to his problem, then he remains stuck in the cave. To get unstuck he is drawn to solving little problems, like reading the news, watching TV, driving his car, doing physical exercise, watching a football game, playing basketball, and so forth. Any challenging activity that initially requires only 5 percent of his mind can assist him in forgetting his problems and becoming unstuck. Then the next day he can redirect his focus to his problem with greater success.

 

讓我們藉一些例子來探討細節。吉米通常以看報來忘記他的問題。他看報時可以不再麵對他這天的問題，他心神的百分之五不再留心他的工作問題，而是對報上的問題提出意見和尋找解答，他的心神逐漸進入新聞的主題，而忘了他自己的問題。藉此，他將對工作問題的注意力轉移到世界的許多問題上(這不是他直接該負的責任)。

Let's explore in greater detail a few examples. Jim commonly uses reading the newspaper to forget his problems. When he reads the paper he is no longer being confronted with the problems of his day. With the 5 percent of his mind that is not focused on his work problems, he begins forming opinions and finding solutions for the world's problems. Gradually his mind becomes increasingly involved with the problems in the news and he forgets his own. In this way he makes the transition from being focused on his problems at work to focusing on the many problems of the world (for which he is not directly responsible. This process releases his mind from the gripping problems of work so he can focus on his wife and family again.)

 

湯姆藉著看足球賽來減輕壓力、鬆弛身心。他因專注於他最喜歡的球隊的問題，而使一心想解決自自己問題的壓力減輕。透過看運動比賽，他可以感覺到每場比賽都替他解決了他的問題。他喜愛的球隊得分或贏球時，他有沉浸在成功中的喜悅，如果他喜愛的球隊失誤，他會難過得好像自己失誤一樣。但是，不管是哪一種情況，他都可以減輕個人問題的枷鎖。

Tom watches a football game to release his stress and unwind. He releases his mind from trying to solve his own problems by solving the problems of his favorite team. Through watching sports he can vicariously feel he has solved a problem with each play. When his team scores points or wins, he enjoys the feeling of success. If his team loses, he suffers their loss as his own. In either case, however, his mind is released from the grip of his real problems.

 

對湯姆和許多男人而言，任何運動比賽、新聞或電影都能夠紓解他們的緊張。

For Tom and many men the inevitable release of tension thatoccurs at the completion of any sporting event, news event, or movie provides a release from the tension he feels in his life.

 

女人對洞穴的反應

Now Women Read to the Cove

 

一個男人陷在洞穴時，他無力給與妻子應有的注意。此時妻子很難接受他，因為她不知道他有多大的壓力。如果他回到家能談他所有的問題，妻子就比較能表示同情。相反的，他不談他的問題，妻子會覺得他忽略她。她可以看出他的難過，但會錯誤地猜測是他不關心她，因為他沒跟她講話。

When a man is stuck in his cave, he is powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves. It is hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because she doesn't know how stressed he is. If he were to come Home and talk about all his problems, then she could be more compassionate. Instead he doesn't talk about his problems, and she feels he is ignoring her. She can tell he is upset but mistakenly assumes he doesn't care about her because he isn't talking to her.

 

女人通常不了解火星人如何處理壓力，她們期待男人像金星人一樣會坦白地談論他們所有的問題。當男人堅守在洞穴時，女人就怨恨他不夠坦然，當男人轉而看報或出去玩籃球忽略了她時，她會覺得受到傷害。

Women generally do not understand how Martians cope with stress. They expect men to open up and talk about all their problems the way Venusians do. When a man is stuck in his cave, a woman resents his not being more open. She feels hurt when he turns on the news or goes outside to play some basketball and ignores her.

 

期待在洞穴中的男人馬上變得坦然、負責、有愛心，就像期待正在難過中的女人能馬上完全鎮定下來一樣的不切實際。期待男人總是保持愛的感覺是錯誤的，這就好像期待女人總是保持理性和邏輯也是錯誤的。

To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense. It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings j ust as it is a mistake to expect a woman's feelings to always be rational and logical.

 

一旦火星人到他們自己的洞穴時，他們很可能會忘記朋友也可能會有問題。男人有個本能告訴他：在你能照顧他人之前，先照顧好自己。女人卻會抵抗和怨恨男人這種先照顧自己的行為。

When Martians go to their caves they tend to forget that their friends may be having problems too. An instinct takes over that says before you can take care of anybody else, you must first take care of yourself. When a woman sees a man react in this way, she generally resists it and resents the man.

 

她可能會以命令的口吻要求他的支持，好像她必須要為自己的權利而和這個不體貼的他吵架似的。女人若能記得男人是從火星來的，她就能因了解他的處理方法而正確解讀他對壓力的反應，而不在乎他是否表現出對她的感覺，此時她就可與他通力解決她的問題，而不再抵抗他。

She may ask for his support in a demanding tone, as if she has to fight for her rights with this uncaring man. By remembering that men are from Mars, a woman can correctly interpret his reaction to stress as his coping mechanism rather than as an expression of how he feels about her. She can begin to cooperate with him to get what she needs instead of resisting him.

 

另外，男人一到他們的洞穴時，通常多少會知道出自己變得冷淡了。當男人知道他進入洞穴的孤立行為可能影響女人時，他就能同情女人被忽視的感覺。男人若記得女人是從金星來的，就較能了解和尊敬她的反應和感覺。男人若不能正確了解她的反應，通常的反應就是保護自己，因而發生爭論。以下有五個最常見的誤解：

On the other side, men generally have little awareness of how distant they become when they are in the cave. As a man recognizes how withdrawing into his cave may affect women, he can be compassionate when she feels neglected and unimportant. Remembering that women are from Venus helps him to be more understanding and respectful of her reactions and feelings. Without understanding the validity of her reactions, a man commonly defends himself, and they argue. These are five common misunderstandings:

 

　　一、當她說：“你沒在聽。”他會說：“你說我沒在聽是什麽意思？我可以重述你剛剛所講的一切。”

I. When she says "You don't listen," he says "What do you mean I don't listen. I can tell you everything you said."

一個男人在洞穴時，可用百分之五的心神傾聽，並記下內容。他認為隻要用百分之五傾聽就算傾聽，而她要求的是他全神貫注的注意。

When a man is in the cave he can record what she is saying with the 5 percent of mind that is listening. A man reasons that if he is listening with 5 percent, then he is listening. However, what she is asking for is his full undivided attention.

 

二、當她說：“我覺得你好像不在這裏。”他會說：“你說我不在這裏是什麽意思？我當然在這裏，你沒看到我的身體嗎？”

2. When she says "I feel like you are not even here," he says "What do you mean I'm not here? Of course I am here. Don't you see my body?"

他認為隻要他身體在，她就不該說他不在這裏。但是即使他身體在，她卻不覺得他全心全意在眼前，這就是她的意思。

He reasons that if his body is present then she shouldn't say he is not there. However, though his body is present, she doesn't feel his full presence, and that is what she means.

 

三、當她說：“你不在乎找。”他會說：“我當然在乎你。你不認為我正在試著解決這問題嗎？”

3. When she says "You don't care about me," he says "Of course I care about you. Why do you think I am trying to solve this problem?"

他認為她應該知道他在乎她，因為他已經以某些方式來試著解決可令她獲益的問題。但是，她需要的是直接感受到他的注意與在乎，這就是她的要求。

He reasons that because he is preoccupied with solving a problem that will in some way benefit her, she should know he cares for her. However, she needs to feel his direct attention and caring, and that is what she is really asking for.

 

四、當她說：“我覺得我對你好像一點也不重要。”他會說：“真荒謬，你當然很重要。”

4. When she says "I feel like I am not important to you," he says "That's ridiculous. Of course you are important."

他認為她的感覺不對，因他已為她的難處提出解決辦法。他不知道，如果他隻專心於一個問題上而忽略了她，幾乎任何一個女人都會感到由自己不夠重要。

He reasons that her feelings are invalid because he is solving problems to benefit her. He doesn't realize that when he focuses on one problem and ignores the problems she is bothered by that almost any woman would have the same reaction and take it personally and feel unimportant.

 

五、當她說：“你是直腦筋，沒感覺。”他會說：“有什麽錯嗎？你期待我要用什麽別的方式來解決這個問題？”

5. When she says "You have no feelings. You are in your head," he says "What's wrong with that? How else do you expect me to solve this problem?"

他認為她要求過度，批評過甚，因為他已經為解決問題做了很不錯的事了。他覺得自己沒有得到感激。另外，他不知道她真正的感受，男人通常不知道他們自己從熱情到冷漠、沒反應的轉變有多快、多極端。男人一到洞穴就被問題占據了，他不知道別人對他的冷淡態度會有什麽反應。

He reasons that she is being too critical and demanding because he is doing something that is essential for him to solve problems. He feels unappreciated. In addition he doesn't recognize the validity of her feelings Men generally don't realize how extremely and quickly they may shift from being warm and feeling to being unresponsive and distant. In his cave a man is preoccupied with solving his problem and is unaware of how his indifferent attitude might feel to others.

 

為了增進互相扶持，男女必須更進一步彼此了解。一個男人如果開始忽略妻子，她通常會把它當成個人問題來看待。雖然了解那是男人處理壓力的方式對她很有幫助，但卻無法幫助她減輕痛苦。

TO increase cooperation both men and women need to understand each other better. When a man begins to ignore his wife, she often takes it personally. Knowing that he is coping with stress in his own way is extremely helpful but does not always help her alleviate the pain.

 

這時，她可能覺得有需要談論這種感覺，這也是男人確認女人感覺的重要時機。他必須了解她有權力談論被忽視與不受支持的感覺，就好像他有權力進入自己的洞穴，不言不語。如果這時她沒感覺被了解，她就很難減輕受傷害的感覺。

At such times she may feel the need to talk about these feelings. This is when it is important for the man to validate her feelings. He needs to understand that she has a right to talk about her feelings of being ignored and unsupported just as he has a right to withdraw into his cave and not talk. If she does not feel understood then it is difficult for her to release her hurt.

 

女人以談話紓解情緒

FINDING RELIEF THROUGH TALKING

 

女人感受壓力時，會直覺地要找人談她的感覺及引起這些感覺的可能問題。隻要她一開始談論，她就不會顧慮到問題的優先順序。而她一難過，不論大大小小的事都讓她沮喪不已。承受著壓力的女人不會馬上尋找問題的解答，反而會透過表達讓人了解自己來求得放鬆。她用隨意談論她的問題的方式來減輕難過的程度。

When a woman is stressed she instinctively feels a need to talk about her feelings and all the possible problems that are associated with her feelings. When she begins talking she does not prioritize the significance of any problem. If she is upset, then she is upset about it all, big and small. She is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. By randomly talking about her problems, she becomes less upset.

 

　　承受著壓力的女人並不急於馬上尋求解答，寧可透過表達讓人了解自己來取得紓解

。

男人承受壓力時，傾向於專注在這個問題上而忘掉其他的；女人承受壓力時，卻會傾向於擴大問題和受困於所有問題中。她因談論可能發生的問題而獲得舒坦，這種討論式的探討使她發覺到底是什麽事真正的困擾她，然後，她立即可以釋懷。

As a man under stress tends to focus on one problem and forget others, a woman under stress tends to expand and become overwhelmed by all problems. By talking about all possible problems without focusing on problem solving she feels better. Through exploring her feelings in this process she gains a greater awareness of what is really bothering her, and then suddenly she is no longer so overwhelmed.

 

愈是談論和探討過去、未來、存在於潛意識和沒有解答的問題，她們愈能得到舒坦。這是女人的方式。若期望有別的方式，除非女人否認了自己的意義。

To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. This is the way women operate. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self.

 

女人受困時，她以談論各種問題的細節來放鬆自己。通常隻要覺得別人有在聽她說話，她的壓力就銷聲匿跡了。談論了一個問題時，她會接著再談別的問題、煩惱、失望、挫折。這些問題的主題都不需有任何次序，在邏輯上也似乎毫無關連。若她覺得還是不被了解，她可能會去多想其他將來可能會發生的問題，而變得杞人憂天。

When a woman is overwhelmed she finds relief through talking in great detail about her various problems. Gradually, if she feels she is being heard, her stress disappears. After talking about one topic she will pause and then move on to the next. In this way she continues to expand talking about problems, worries, disappointments, and frustrations. These topics need not be in any order and tend to be logically unrelated. If she feels she is not being understood, her awareness may expand even further, and she may become upset about more problems.

 

就像男人在洞穴裏需要有一些讓他迷惑的問題，女人若未得到傾聽，也需要談一些不急著紓解的問題。為了忘記自己的痛苦，她可能會情緒化地陷入其他問題中。此外，她也可能透過討論朋友、親戚、同事的問題來尋求自我的紓解。不管她談的是自己還是別人的問題，說話永遠是金星人麵對壓力時自然和健康的反應。

Just as a man who is stuck in the cave needs little problems to distract him, a woman who doesn't feel heard will need to talk about other problems that are less immediate to feel relief. To forget her own painful feelings she may become emotionally involved in the problems of others. In addition she may find relief through discussing the problems of her friends, relatives, and associates. Whether she is talking about her problems or others' problems, talking is a natural and healthy Venusian reaction to stress.

 

為了忘記自己的痛苦，女人可能情緒化地陷入其他問題之中。

 

女人需要說話時，男人有何反應

Now Men React When Women Ned to Talk 

 

女人一談論問題時，男人通常的反應就是抗拒。他以為她和他談論她的問題，是因為她認為他對她有責任，所以女人談的問題愈多，他就愈覺得女人在責怪他。他不知道女人隻是想藉由談話讓心情好轉，他不知道隻要傾聽就可令女人十分滿足感激。

When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He does not realize that she is talking to feel better. A man doesn't know that she will appreciate it if he just listens.

 

火星人談論問題隻有兩個理由：責備人或請求建議。女人若非常難過，男人會以為她在責怪他；若不太難過，男人則會以為她在請求建議。

Martians talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or they are seeking advice. If a woman is really upset a man assumes she is blaming him. If she seems less upset, then he assumes she is asking for advice.

 

如果他以為她在請求建議，他就會戴上“修理先生帽子”解決她的問題；如果他以為她在責怪他，他會拿起盾牌抵禦她的攻擊。不管是哪種情況，他都會發現傾聽是一件很困難的事。

If he assumes she is asking for advice, then he puts on his Mr Fix‑It hat to solve her problems. If he assumes she is blaming him, then he draws his sword to protect himself from attack. In both cases, he soon finds it difficult to listen.

 

如果他針對她的問題提出解答，她會談更多的問題。提供了兩、三個解答後，他期望她能得到舒坦，因為火星人正是因解決問題及獲得解答而得到紓解，但若她沒因此好過一點，他會覺得他的解答受拒絕，他沒有得到應有的感激。

If he offers solutions to her problems, she just continues talking about more problems. After offering two or three solutions, he expects her to feel better. This is because Martians themselves feel better with solutions, as long as they have asked for a solution to be offered. When she doesn't feel better, he feels

his solutions have been rejected, and he feels unappreciated.

 

另外，如果他覺得受攻擊了，他會保護自己，而認為自我表白可以停止她的責怪。但是他愈保護自己，她就愈難過。他不知道她根本不需要他的出自我表白，她需要的是他了解她的感覺，讓她繼續談論更多的問題。如果他聰明的靜靜傾聽，等她抱怨過後，不消片刻，就會改變話題談別的問題。

On the other hand, if he feels attacked, then he begins to defend himself. He thinks if he explains himself that she will stop blaming him. The more he defends himself, however, the more upset she becomes. He doesn't realize that explanations are not what she needs. She needs him to understand her feelings and let her move on to talk about more problems. If he is wise and lust listens, then a few moments after she is complaining about him, she will change the subject and talk about other problems as well.

 

　　男人也會因無力插手女人所談論的問題而感到特別挫折，譬如女人受壓力時，會抱怨：

　　．我在工作上沒有得到應有的報酬。

　　．姑媽愈來愈令人討厭。

　　．我們的房子不夠大。

　　．這個季節雨為何下不停？

    ．我們的帳戶總是提款過度，超支了。

Men also become particularly frustrated when a woman talks about problems that he can do nothing about. For example, when a woman is stressed she could complain:

• "I'm not getting paid enough at work."

• "MY Aunt Louise is getting sicker and sicker, each year she gets sicker."

• "Our house just isn't big enough."

• "This is such a dry season. When is it going to rain.

• "We are almost overdrawn in our bank account."

 

女人可能透過這些話來表達她的煩惱、失望和挫折。她可能知道沒什麽辦法可以解決這些問題，但為了紓解，她必須去談它。如果傾聽者關心她的挫折與失望，她會感到受支持，除非他了解她隻是需要談話，隻要談話，她就可以放鬆了。

A woman might make any of the above comments as a way of expressing her worries, disappointments, and frustrations. She may know that nothing more can be done to solve these problems, but to find relief she still needs to talk about them. She feels supported if the listener relates to her frustration and disappointment. She may, however, frustrate her mate partner‑unless he understands that she just needs to talk about it and then she will feet better.

 

女人談太多問題的細節，男人會失去耐性，男人會誤以為女人多談細節有助於他發現解答，他努力尋找這些細節的連結性，卻變得不耐煩。他不知道她要的不是解答，隻是他的關心和了解。

Men also become impatient when women talk about problems in great detail. A man mistakenly assumes that when a woman talks in great detail that all the details are necessary for him to find a solution to her problem. He struggles to find their relevance and .becomes impatient. Again he doesn't realize that she is looking not for a solution from him but for his caring and understanding.

 

另外，傾聽對男人而言是件苦差事，他誤以為女人隨便改變的話題會合乎邏輯。哪知她談了三、四個問題後，他就會因為把這些問題的邏輯性牽連在一起，而感到極度的挫折與迷惑。

In addition, listening is difficult for a man because he mistakenly assumes there is a logical order when she randomly changes from one problem to another. After she has shared three or four problems he becomes extremely frustrated and confused trying logically to relate these problems.

 

男人另一個抗拒傾聽的原因是，他正在尋找底線。尚未知道結果以前，他不能調配解答。他在聽的時候，她談愈多細節他就愈覺挫敗。若他能記得談論這些細節可使她獲益，他的挫敗感必能減輕；若他能記得談論細節可以使她好過，他也能得到鬆懈。就像男人因解決了問題的複雜細節而獲得滿足一般，女人也因談論問題細節而獲得滿足。

Another reason a man may resist listening is that he is looking for the bottom line. He cannot begin formulating his solution until he knows the outcome. The more details she gives the more he is frustrated while listening. His frustration is lessened if he can remember that she is greatly benefiting by talking about the details. if he can remember that talking in detail is helping her to feel good, then he can relax. just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.

 

就像男人因完成解決問題的複雜細節而獲滿足一般，女人也因談論問題細節而擭滿足。

 

女人可先講結果再追述細節，來讓男人容易了解問題，避免懸疑不安。但女人卻通常喜歡經營懸疑氣氛，因為那可將感覺帶入故事中，別的女人會喜歡這種懸疑，但男人卻會變得一頭霧水。

Something a woman can do to make it a little easier for a man is to let him know in advance the outcome of the story and then go back and give the details. Avoid keeping him in suspense. Women commonly enjoy letting the suspense build because it brings more feeling into the story. Another woman appreciates this buildup, but a man can be easily frustrated.

 

男人反抗女人談論問題的程度就是他抗拒了解她的程度。男人若能學習如何滿足女人，並給與她情感的支持，他將發現傾聽不是件困難的事。更重要的是，女人若能提醒男人，她隻是想談她的問題，不需要任何解答，這將能幫助男人鬆懈和傾聽。

The degree to which a man does not understand a woman is the degree to which he will resist her when she is talking about problems. As a man learns more how to fulfill a woman and provide her emotional support he discovers that listening Is not so difficult. More important, if a woman can remind a man that she just wants to talk about her problems and that he doesn't have to solve any of them, it can help him to relax and listen.

 

 

發現和平相處之道的走出洞穴。

NOW THE MARTIANS AND VENUSIANS FOUND PEACE

 

火星人和金星人因能互相尊敬彼此不同之處而能和平相處。火星人學習尊重金星人藉談話獲得紓解，即使他沒說什麽話，他也知道，隻要傾聽就是支持她。金星人學習尊重火星人需要孤立來處理壓力，因此洞穴再也不是令人驚恐的神秘之處。

The Martians and Venusians lived together in peace because they were able to respect their differences. The Martians learned to respect that Venusians needed to talk to feel better. Even if he didn't have much to say, he learned that by listening he could be very supportive. The Venusians learned to respect that Martians needed to withdraw to cope with stress. The cave was no longer a great mystery or cause for alarm.

 

火星人知道，即使遭到金星人的責怪、攻擊、批評，那都是暫時的，金星人會馬上突然轉好，懂得感激與接受。經由學習傾聽，他們發現金星人十分喜歡滔滔不絕談論問題。

The Martians realized that even when they felt they were being attacked, blamed, or criticized by the Venusians it was only temporary; soon the Venusians would suddenly feel better and be very appreciative and accepting. By learning to listen, the Martians discovered how much the Venusians really thrived on talking about problems.

 

火星人因了解金星人隻需談問題，並非因他令她失望而得到心靈的平和。另外，隻要他學知金星人很難停止留在談論問題的窠臼裏，他就能在傾聽之際，免於認為他該對她的問題負責解答。

Each Martian found peace of mind when he finally understood that a Venusian's need to talk about her problems was not because he was failing her in some way. In addition he learned that once a Venusian feels heard she stops dwelling on her problems and becomes very positive. With this awareness, a Martian was able to listen without feeling responsible for solving all her problems.

 

許多男人，甚至女人，都把談論問題的需要視為很嚴肅、正經的事，因為他們不知該怎麽治療這種需要。他們沒有見過一個憂傷煩躁的女人如何馬上改變心情，保持舒坦的態度。他們通常隻看到一個憂心煩躁的女人(也許是他們的母親)如河繼續陷在她們的問題裏。而女人也隻在長期的感覺沒有人愛她、聽她時，才會顯露出憂心煩躁。所以女人真正的問題不在於她所談論的問題，而是她感受不到愛。

Many men and even women are very judgmental of the need to talk about problems because they have never experienced how healing it can be. They have not seen how a woman who feels heard suddenly can change, feel better, and sustain a positive attitude. Generally they have seen how a woman (probably their mother) who did not feel heard continued to dwell on her problems. This happens to women when they do not feel loved or heard over an extended period of time. The real problem, however, is that she feels unloved, not that she is talking about problems.

 

火星人學習到如何傾聽女人說話後，他們有了一個驚奇的發現，他們發現傾聽金星人談論問題，就像看電視新聞、報紙一樣，隻要聽、隻要看，就可以幫助她們走出煩躁。

After the Martians learned how to listen they made a most amazing discovery. They began to realize that listening to a Venusian talk about problems could actually help them come out of their caves in the same way as watching the news on TV or reading a newspaper.

 

相同的，男人知道在傾聽時不必覺得自自己挨罵或該負責時，傾聽就成了輕易的工作了。若他能扮演一個很好的傾聽者，他就能知道，傾聽不但是一條忘記當日壓力的捷徑，也是使太太滿意的方式。不過，萬一他當天的壓力很大，他可能需要先到他的洞穴中，再慢慢出來做其他的事情。

Similarly, as men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes much easier. As a man gets good atlistening, he realizes that listening can be an excellent way to forget the problems of his day as well as bring a lot of fulfillment to his partner. But on days when he is really stressed he may need to. be in his cave and slowly come out by some other distraction, like the news or a competitive sport.

 

 

接納火星人的減壓方式

What fin Venusians Learned

 

當金星人了解男人去洞穴並非表示不愛她後，她的心靈也能得到平靜。此時，她會學習接受他，因她了解他正遭受到極大的壓力。

The Venusians also found peace of mind when they finally understood that a Martian going into his cave was not a sign that he didn't love her as much. They learned to be more accepting of him at these times because he was experiencing a lot of stress.

 

因此，倘若火星人分心時，金星人不會發怒。當她正在說話而火星人心不在焉時，她會很禮貌的停止說話，在那兒等待他的注意，然後再繼續話題。她了解，他有時很難全神貫注地聽她說話，她也發現，在火星人輕鬆及易接受的狀況下請求他的汪意，他會很樂意集中精神傾聽。

The Venusians were not offended when Martians were easily distracted. When a Venusian talked and a Martian became distracted, she would very politely stop talking, stand there, and wait for him to notice. Then she would begin talking again. She understood that sometimes it was hard for him to give his full attention. The Venusians discovered that by asking for the Martians' attention in a relaxed and accepting manner the Martians were happy to redirect their attention.

 

若火星人早已被他們的洞穴占據，金星人就不會再視它為個人問題，她們知道此時不適合和他談話，而會去找朋友談論問題或逛街。金星人發現，如果火星人因此覺得被愛與接受，他們會很快走出洞穴。

When the Martians were completely preoccupied and in their caves, the Venusians also did not take it personally. They. learned that this was not the time to have intimate conversations but a time to talk about problems with their friends or have fun and go shopping. When the Martians thereby felt loved and accepted, the Venusians discovered that the Martians would more quickly come out of their caves.