Chapter 2 ：Mr. Fix‑It and the Home‑Improvement Commi

第二章 修理先生和改善家庭委員會

 

女人對男人最常見的抱怨是，男人不肯傾聽。當女人說話時，男人不管是忽略還是聽一點點，在評估過困擾女人的原因後，他們都會驕傲地戴上“修理先生的帽子”，提供一個能夠令女人好過一點的解答。當她不感激這個愛的姿態時，他就覺得迷惑。不管她告訴他多少次他沒在聽她說話，他依舊不聽，且一直做著同樣的事。女人要的是感情的共鳴，但男人卻以為她要解答。

The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don't listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her, and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix‑It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better. He is confused when she doesn't appreciate this gesture of love. No matter how many times she tells him that he's not listening, he doesn't get it and keeps doing the same thing. She wants empathy (sympathy), but he thinks she wants solutions.

男人對女人最常見的抱怨，是女人總是企圖要改變他們。當女人愛上男人時，她覺得有責任幫助他成長，並幫他改善他的做事方式。她會組織一個“改善家庭委員會”，男人便成了她主要的焦點。不管他如何拒絕她的幫助，她都堅持等待任何幫助他的機會或告訴他該做什麽。她以為她在提攜他，但他卻覺得被控製了。相反的，他要的是她的接納。

The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She forms a Home‑Improvement committee, and he becomes her primary focus. No matter how much he resists her help, she persists‑waiting for any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do. She thinks she's nurturing him, while he feels he's being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance.

這兩個問題可藉由先了解為何男人提供解答、女人尋求改善來解決。讓我們假裝回到從前，觀察火星和金星上的生活......在地球未被發現或他們未來到地球以前.....我們可以觀察到男人與女人。

These two problems can finally be solved by first understanding why men offer solutions and why women seek to improve. Let's pretend to go back in time, where by observing life on Mars and Venus ‑‑­beforethe planets discovered one another or came to Earth‑we can gain some insights into men and women.

火星人的生活習慣

WE ON MARS

火星人重視力量、能力、效率和成就。他們以實際行動證明他們的能力，並培養力量與技能。他們由達成結果的能力來詮釋自己的存在意義。主要是以成功和成就來經驗圓滿。

Martians value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. They are always doing things to prove themselves and develop their power and skills. Their sense of self is defined through their ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishment.

男人透過他達成結果的能力來詮釋自己的存在意義。

火星上的每件事都反映這個價值，甚至身上衣服的設計也用來反映他們的技能與能力。警察、軍人、商人、科學家、計程車司機、技術人員和廚師都會穿製服或至少戴帽子以表示他們的能力和力量。

Everything on Mars is a reflection of these values. Even their dress is designed to reflect their skills and competence. Police officers, soldiers, Businessmen, scientists, cab drivers, technicians, and chefs all wear uniforms or at least hats to reflect their competence and power.

他們不讀“今日心理學”(Psychology Today)、(自我)(Self)、(時人)(People)這類雜誌。他們比較關心戶外活動，譬如打獵、釣魚、賽車。他們的興趣在新聞、天氣、運動，不注意愛情小說和自我成長類的書。

They don't read magazines like Psychology Today, Self, or People. They are more concerned with outdoor activities, like huntM Fishing, and racing cars. They are interested m the news, weather, and sports and couldn't care less about romance novels and self‑help books.

他們對“物體”和“事情”比較有興趣，對人們與感覺比較沒興趣。甚至在今日地球上，當女人幻想愛情時，男人幻想跑車、電腦、電器產品、新玩藝兒和更新更強的科技。男人已經先被那些可以幫助他們創造結果和完成目標，並藉此表現力量的“事情”占住了。

They are more interested in "objects" and "things" rather than people and feelings. Even today on Earth, while women fantasize about romance, men fantasize about powerful cars, faster computers, gadgets, gizmos, and new more powerful technology Men are preoccupied with the "things" that can help them express power by creating results and achieving their goals.

完成目標對火星人而言很重要，因為那是他證明能力與自我滿足的方法。為了滿足自我，他必須獨自完成目標，其他人不可替他完成。火星人以自力做事為榮。自主是效率、力量和能力的象征。

Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And for him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself. Someone else can't achieve them for hirn. Martians pride themselves in doing things all by themselves. Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power, and competence.

了解火星人的這些特征，可幫助女人明白，為何男人這麽反抗被糾正或聽取女人的指揮。提供給男人他不主動請求的建議，等於斷定他無法自己做事或他不知道自己該做什麽，男人必會因此動怒，因為能力問題對他們而言，非常重要。

Understanding this Martian characteristic can help women understand why men resist so much being corrected or being told what to do. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own. Men are very touchy about this, because the issue of competence is so very important to them.

提供給男人他不主動請求的建議，等於斷定他無法自己做事或他不知道自己該做什麽。

火星人慣於自己排解問題，除非他需要專家的建議，否則他不會談論他的問題。他的理論是：“我自己可以做這件事，幹嘛牽連別人。”除非他覺得需要別人協助尋求解答，否則他都自己處理問題。在自己能解決的範圍內請求他人的幫忙，不啻是能力衰弱的表征。

Because he is handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice. He reasons: "Why involve someone else when I can do it by myself?" He keeps his problems to himself unless he requires help from another to find a solution. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness.

但是，如果他真的需要幫忙，他就會尋找他尊敬的人來討論他的問題。火星人與人談論問題就是邀請對方給與建議。對方(同為火星人)也會因有此機會而覺得榮耀，他會自動戴上“修理先生帽子”，傾聽一會兒之後，再提供如寶石般剔透珍貴的建議。

However, if he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it. In this case, he will find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem on Mars is an invitation for advice. Another Martian feels honored by the opportunity. Automatically he puts on his Mr. FIX‑It hat, listens for a while, and then offers some jewels of advice.

火星人的這種習慣成了女人提出困擾而男人本能地給與解答的問題之一。當一個女人隻純粹地分享她沮喪的感覺或宣泄她這天遇到的問題時，男人就誤以為她在尋找一些專家的建議，於是他戴上了“修理先生帽子”，開始給與建議，以此示愛及嚐試幫助她。

This Martian custom Is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. When a woman innocently shares upset feelings or explores out loud the problems of her day, a man mistakenly assumes she is looking for some expert advice. He puts on his Mr. Fix‑It hat and begins giving advice; this is his way of showing love and of trying to help.

他想藉由解決她的問題來幫助她好過一點，讓她覺得他對她很有幫助。他覺得如果他的能力足以解決她的問題，必能得到她的尊重和愛。

He wants to help her feel better by solving her problems. He wants to be useful to her. He feels he can be valued and thus worthy of her love when his abilities are used to solve her problems.

若他提供解答，她卻仍沮喪不堪，他必會因解答受拒及感到自己無用而難以再傾聽她的談話。他不曉得光是專注與感興趣的傾聽，對女人而言就是支持的表現，他也不知道在金星人的世界中，談論問題並非就是尋求解答的邀約。

Once he has offered a solution, however, and she continues to be upset it becomes increasingly difficult for him to listen because his solution is being rejected and he feels increasingly useless.

He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.

金星人的生活習慣

life ON VENUS

金星人重視的束西則與火星人不一樣，她們重視愛、溝通、美與關係。她們花許多時間互相支持、幫助和滋養。她們透過感覺和關係品質來詮釋自己存在的意義；透過分享與建立關係來經曆滿足感。

Venusians have different values. They value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping, and nurturing one another. Their sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships.

女人透過感覺和關係品質來詮釋自己存在的意義。

They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.

金星上的每件事都反映這些觀點。比起關心建造高速公路和高樓大廈，金星人倒寧願關心融洽、溝通、共同創造愛地生活在一起。相處關係比工作和科技重要得多，她們的世界和火星人幾乎是對立的。

Everything on Venus reflects these values. Rather than building highways and tall buildings, the Venusians are more concerned w ith living together in harmony, community, and loving cooperation. relationships are more important than work and technology. In most ways their world is the opposite of Mars.

她們不穿像火星人表現能力的製服，她們喜歡根據感覺每天穿不同的服飾，著重個人感覺的表現更甚於一切，她們可能會依情緒的變化，每天更換數套服飾。

They do not wear uniforms like the Martians (to reveal their competence). On the contrary, they enjoy wearing a different outfit every day, according to how they are feeling. Personal expression, especially of their feelings, is very important. They may even change outfits several times a day as their mood changes.

溝通對她們最重要。分享個人感覺比完成目標和成功更重要。彼此交談和建立關係是滿足感的最大來源。

Communication is of primary importance. To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals and success. Talking and relating to one another is a source of tremendous fulfillment.

男人很難理解這點。他隻能藉由贏得賽跑、達到目標、解決問題等的滿足感經驗，試著接近、了解女人分享與建立關係的經驗。

This is hard for a man to comprehend. He can come close to understanding a woman's experience of sharing and relating by comparing it to the satisfaction he feels when he wins a race, achieves a goal, or solves a problem.

女人傾向確立關係而非確立目標，她們比較在意表達她們的親切、愛心和體貼。兩個火星人一起吃中飯，為了解決問題，他們會一麵吃飯一麵討論計畫或業務，同時他們將到餐廳吃飯當成獲得食物的方便途徑：不必采購、不必烹飪、不必洗碗。但是對金星人而言，和朋友外出吃中飯是培養雙方關係的大好機會。女人在餐廳談話幾乎可以像是心理治療師與病人對話般的親密和開放。

Instead of being goal oriented, women are relationship oriented; they are more concerned with expressing their goodness, love, and caring. Two Martians go to lunch to discuss a project or Business goal; they have a problem to solve. In addition, Martians view going to a restaurant as an efficient way to approach food: no shopping, no cooking, and no washing dishes. For Venusians, going to lunch is an opportunity to nurture a relationship, for both giving support to and receiving support from a friend. Women's restaurant talk can be very open and intimate, almost like the dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient..

金星上每個人都學習心理學，並且至少擁有谘商的碩士學位，她們非常關心個人成長、靈性，及能夠幫助生命、治療與成長的任何事情。金星中到處都是公園、完善的花園、購物中心和餐廳。

On Venus, everyone studies psychology and has at least a master's degree in counseling. They are very involved in personal growth, spirituality, and everything that can nurture life, healing, and growth. Venus is covered with parks, organic gardens, shopping centers, and restaurants

金星人具有高度直覺，幾世紀以來，她們以預測別人的需要來培養直覺能力。她們以能夠體諒他人的需要與感覺為榮。不必經過另一個金星人的請求就直接幫助對方，是金星人表示愛心的方式。因為金星人不認為證明能力是件多了不起的事，所以她們認為提供幫助並非唐突，請求幫助也不算能力不足。但此時男人卻會覺得女人給與他未曾請求的建議是很唐突的，他覺得她不相信他有能力去完成一些事。

Venusians are very intuitive. They have developed this ability through centuries of anticipating the needs of others. They pride themselves in being considerate of the needs and feelings of others. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked. Because proving one's competence is not as important to a Venusian, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. A man, however, may feel offended because when a woman offers advice he doesn't feel she mists his ability to do it himself.

而女人全然無視於男人的這種敏感度，她認為若有人肯幫助她，那是在她的帽子上添飾羽毛，讓她覺得自己可愛又受珍視；男人卻以為接受幫助是軟弱、沒能力、不可愛的表現。

A woman has no conception of this male sensitivity because for her it is another feather in her hat if someone offers to help her. It makes her feel loved and cherished. But offering help to a man can make him feel incompetent, weak, and even unloved.

在金星，給與忠告和建議表示體貼，金星人堅決相信每件事都可以做得更好，她們有改進事物的天性，隻要她們關心某人，她們就會毫不保留的指出如何做才能進步，並給與建議。建議與建設性批評是她們表示愛的行動。在火星則截然不同。火星人傾向解決，他們行事的座右銘是：別改變。他們的天性認為已進行的事就讓它進行，他們的共同說辭是：“除非無可挽回，否則別更改。”

On Venus it is a sign of caring to give advice and suggestions. Venusians firmly believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things. When they care about someone, they freely point out what can be improved and suggest how to do it. Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love. Mars is very different. Martians are more solution oriented. Ifsomething is working, their motto is don't change it. Their instinct is to leave it alone if it is working. "Don't fix it unless it is broken" is a common expression.

如果女人試著讓男人變得更好，男人會認為她要改變他，使他以為他已到了不可救藥的地步。女人不知道她對他的關懷可能侮辱了他，她誤以為由自己在幫助男人成長。

When a woman tries to improve a man. he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn't realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.

女人放棄給與建議

GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE

若不了解男人不願接受建議的天性，女人很容易在不知不覺間傷害和得罪她最愛的男人。

Without this insight into the nature of men, it's very easy for a woman unknowingly and unintentionally to hurt and offend the man she loves most.

譬如湯姆和瑪莉正要赴宴，湯姆開車，二十分鍾後，他在同一個區域重複繞了好幾分鍾，瑪莉馬上知道他迷路了。她建議他打電話求助，湯姆隨即沉默不語。他們雖然終於抵達宴會場所，但整晚卻都彌漫著緊張的氣氛。瑪莉不了解湯姆為什麽會難過。

For example, Tom and Mary were going to a party. Tom was driving. After about twenty minutes and going around the same block a few times, it was dear to Mary that Tom was lost. She finally suggested that he call for help. Tom became very silent. They eventually arrived at the party, but the tension from that moment persisted the whole evening Mary had no idea of why he was so upset.

她這方說的是：“我愛你、在乎你，所以才幫助你。”

From her side she was saying "I love and care about you, so I am offering you this help."

他那方卻被激怒了，他聽到的是：“我不相信你能把我們帶到宴會地點，你算是無能”

From his side, he was offended. What he heard was "I don't trust you to get us there. You are incompetent!"

瑪莉若不了解火星人的生活，就無法了解不靠她的幫忙而順利達到目的地對湯姆是何等重要。我們已經探討過，火星人隻有在別人要求時才給與建議，尊敬另一個火星人的方式是，除非他請求幫忙，否則就一直假定他能解決他自己的問題。

Without knowing about life on Mars, Mary could not appreciate how important it was for Tom to accomplish his goal without help. Offering advice was the ultimate insult. As we have explored, Martians never offer advice unless asked. A way of honoring another Martian is always to assume he can solve his problem unless he is asking for help.

瑪莉不知道當湯姆迷路，在同一區域打轉時正是愛他、支持他的大好機會。這時候他特別脆弱，特別需要關愛。若能以不給與建議來表示尊敬他，這禮物就相當於他送她一束花或寫給她一張愛的短箋一樣。

Mary had no idea that when Tom became lost and started circling the same block, it was a very special opportunity to love and support him. At that time he was particularly vulnerable and needed some extra love. To honor him by not offering advice would have been a gift equivalent to his buying her a beautiful bouquet of flowers or writing her a love note.

瑪莉學知火星人和金星人的不同後，她學習如何在碰到此類困難時刻幫助他。下次他迷路了，她就深呼吸，克製給與建議的衝動，心中感謝湯姆正試著替她尋路。湯姆很感激瑪莉善解人意，接受他開車迷路了但相信他能找到出路。

After learning about Martians and Venusians, Mary learned how to support Tom at such difficult times. The next time he was lost, instead of offering "help" she restrained herself from offering any advice, took a deep relaxing breath, and appreciated in her heart what Tom was trying to do for her. Tom greatly appreciated her warm acceptance and trust.

一般說來，當女人提供給男人非主動請求的建議，企圖幫助男人時，她完全不知道對他而看口，她可能太過挑剔、缺乏愛心。雖然她是出於愛，她的建議卻會傷害他、得罪他，他的反應可能會很激烈，尤其是他可能會覺得自己像小孩一樣，受到批評或看到母親批評父親的樣子。

Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to "help" a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. Even though her intent is loving, her suggestions do offend and hurt. His reaction may be strong, especially if he felt criticized as a child or he experienced his father being criticized by his mother.

一般說來，當女人提供給男人非主動請求的建議，企圖幫助他時，她完全不知道對他而言，她可能大過挑剔、缺乏愛心。

有許多男人認為，證明他們能達到目標是十分重要的......即使是像開車到餐廳或赴宴這樣的小事。諷刺的是，他對待這種小事可能比大事還敏感，他的感覺就像這樣：“我如不能以到達宴會地點這樣的小事取信於她，她又如何能相信我能做大事？”男人像他們的火星人祖先一樣，以成為專家為榮，尤其是修理機械、抵達某地點或解決問題等。他需要她充滿愛心的接受他，而不是批評建議。

For many men, it is very important to prove that they can get to their goal, even if it is a small thing like driving to a restaurant or party. Ironically he may be more sensitive about the little things than the big. His feelings are like this: "If I can't be trusted to do a small thing like get us to a party, how can she trust me to do the bigger things?" Like their Martian ancestors, men pride themselves on being experts, especially when it comes to fixing mechanical things, getting places, or solving problems. These are the times when he needs her loving acceptance the most and not her advice or criticism.

男人學習傾聽

LEARNING TO LISTEN

同樣地，男人若不了解女人與他們之間的差異，他也可能愈幫愈忙。男人必須謹記，女人是靠談論問題獲取親密關係，而不是倚靠解答。

Likewise, if a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.

因此女人多數隻想和丈夫分享她當日的感受，丈夫卻自以為在幫助她，而提供一連串解決她問題的答案，反而使她受挫，但他卻不知道這為何使她不高興。

So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn't pleased.

女人多數隻想和丈夫分享她當日的感受，丈夫卻自以為在幫助她，提供一連串解決問題的答案，反而使她受挫。

譬如，瑪莉這天回到家已精疲力盡，她想和丈夫分享她這天的感受。

For example, Mary comes Home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her feelings about the day.

瑪莉說：工作太多了，我根本沒有一點點私人時間”

She says, "There is so much to do; I don't have any time for myself."

湯姆說：“你應該辭職，不必做得那麽累，去找一些你喜歡的事做。”

Tom says, "You should quit that job. You don't have to work so hard. Find something you like to do."

瑪莉說：“可是我喜歡我的工作，隻是他們過於期望我在短時間內改變一切事。”

Mary says, "But I like my job. They just expect me to change everything at a moment's notice."

湯姆說：“別聽他們的，隻要做你能做的就好。”

Tom says, "Don't listen to them. just do what you can do."

瑪莉說：“我正是這麽做。真不敢相信，我今天竟然忘了打電話給我姑媽。”

Mary says, "I am! I can't believe I completely forgot to call my aunt today."

湯姆說：“別擔心，她應該會了解你很忙。”

Tom says, "Don't worry about it, she'll understand."

瑪莉說：“你知道她怎麽了嗎？她需要我。”

Mary says, "Do you know what she is going through? She needs me."

湯姆說：“你太會擔心了，才會這麽不快樂。”

Tom says, "You worry too much, that's why you're so unhappy."

瑪莉生氣地說：“我並不是常常不快樂，你可不可以隻聽我說？”

Mary angrily says, "I am not always unhappy. Can't you just listen to me?"

湯姆說：“我正在聽。”

Tom says, "I am listening."

瑪莉說：“為什麽我還是這麽煩呢？（真不知道我為什麽自找麻煩？）”

Mary says, "Why do I even bother?"

談過話後，瑪莉比她剛回家期待親熱與安慰時更失望，湯姆也失望地不知道到底哪兒出了毛病，他想幫忙，但解決問題的策略卻沒奏效。

After this conversation, Mary was more frustrated than when she arrived Home seeking intimacy and companionship. Tom was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong. He wanted to help, but his problem‑solving tactics didn't work.

湯姆不了解金星人的生活，所以他不知道光隻是傾聽而不提解答有多重要，他的解答隻會把事情愈弄愈糟。你看，金星人談話時從來不提供解答，尊敬另一個金星人的方法是耐心傾聽，感同身受地了解對方的感覺。

Without knowing about life on Venus, Tom didn't understand how important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honoring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other's feelings.

湯姆不知道感同身受的傾聽瑪莉傳達她的感覺，可使她得到極度的鬆懈與滿足。而當湯姆了解了金星人的生活及需要的談話後，他逐漸學習如何傾聽。

Tom had no idea that just listening with empathy to Mary express her feelings would bring her tremendous relief and fulfillment. When Tom heard about the Venusians and how much they needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen.

現在，瑪莉精疲力盡地回來後，他們的對話有了顯著的不同：

When Mary now comes Home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite different. They sound like this:

瑪莉說;“太多工作了，我沒有一點私人時間”

Mary says, "There is so much to do. I have no time for me."

 湯姆深深吸進一口氣，緩緩呼出，說：“你今天好像很累。”

Tom takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says, "Humph, sounds Ii ike you had a hard day."

瑪莉說：“他們期待我在短時間內改變一切事，我不知道怎麽辦。”

Mary says, "They expect me to change everything at a moment's notice. I don't know what to do."

湯姆稍停後說：“嗯。”

Tom pauses and then says, " "H|mmm."

瑪莉說：“我竟然忘了打電話給我姑媽。”

Mary says, "I even forgot to call my aunt."

湯姆輕輕皺眉說：“哦，不太應該。

” Tom says with a slightly wrinkled brow, "Oh, no."

瑪莉說：“她現在很需要我，我覺得很難過。”

Mary says, "She needs me so much right now. I feel so bad."

湯姆說：“你很有愛心，來，來這兒，讓我抱抱你。”

Tom says, "You are such a loving person. Come here, let me give you a hug."

湯姆抱著瑪莉，瑪莉在他懷裏鬆懈地大歎一聲。然後說：“我喜歡和你說話，你讓我真正感到高興，謝謝你當聽眾，我現在好多了。”

Tom gives Mary a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She then says, "I love talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening. I feel much better."

湯姆也感到愉快，他很驚訝自己學習傾聽後，太太就變得比較高興。湯姆認知了他們之間的差異後，他學習不提供解答隻傾聽的智慧，而瑪莉也學習不提供非請求的建議與批評，學習忍耐與接受的智慧。

Not only Mary but also Tom felt better. He was amazed at how much happier his wife was when he finally learned to listen. With this new awareness of their differences, Tom learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Mary learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

總結我們在關係中最常犯的錯誤有：

To summarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships:

1.男人常以“修理先生”自居，提供解決問題的答案來去除女人的難過感覺。

I. A man tries to change a woman's feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix‑It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.

 2.女人嚐試以“改善家庭委員會”的姿態和提供非請求的建議、批評，來改變男人的錯誤行為。

2. A woman tries to change a man's behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the Home‑improvements committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

 

IN DEFENSE OF MR. FIX‑IT AND THE Home‑IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE

 我指出這兩個主要錯誤，並不是說“修理先生”和“改善家庭委員會”所做的每一件事都是錯的。火星人和金星人都有許多正麵特性，以上所講的錯誤隻是發生在時機及方法上而已。

In pointing out these two major mistakes I do not mean that everything is wrong with Mr. Fix‑It or the Home‑improvement committee. These are very positive Martian and Venusian attributes. The mistakes are only in timing and approach.

 如果女人難過時，男人沒有以修理先生的姿態出現，女人會十分感激他。男人必須謹記：女人在難過及談論她的問題時，並不是提出解答的時機，她需要人家傾聽她說的話，然後會自行調整情緒。她不需要一位“修理先生”。

A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix‑It, as long as he doesn't come out when she is upset. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.

隻要符合需要，男人會很感激“改善家庭委員會”。女人必須謹記：非請求的建議或批評——尤其在他犯錯時，會使他覺得受控製、沒有愛。為了從錯誤中學習，他需要她的接納甚於她的建議。如果男人感到女人並沒有要控製他，他會更想請她給他回饋或建議。配偶若抗拒我們，可能是我們在時機和方法上犯了錯。，值得我們更進一步探討這部分的細節。

A man greatly appreciates the Home‑improvement committee, as long as it is requested. Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism­especially if he has made a mistake‑make him feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice, 'In order to learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman Is not trying to improve him, he is much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.

Understanding these differences makes it easier to respect our partner's sensitivities and be more supportive. In addition we recognize that when our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach. Let's explore this in greater detail.

了解男女的差異，使我們比較容易尊敬配偶的敏感，並成為另一半的支持者。另外，我認為配偶若抗拒我們，可能是我們在時機和方法犯了錯

如何處理女人的抗拒

WHEN A WOMAN RESISTS A MAN'S SOLUTIONS

 女人抗拒男人提供的解答時，他會覺得自己的能力受到懷疑，因而感到不受信任、不被感激，然後從此停止照顧。可理解的是，他願意傾聽的熱情必也大打折扣。

When a woman resists a man's solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessens.

 隻要記得女人從金星來，男人此時就能轉而了解她為何會抗拒他。他會反省和發覺在她需要感同身受與滋潤時，他可能給的是她不需要的解答。

By remembering that women are from Venus, a man at such times can instead understand why she is resisting him. He can reflect and discover how he was probably offering solutions at a time when she was needing empathy and nurturing.

以下是一些男人可能犯下無視於感覺與直覺，或提供女人不需要的解答的例子，看你能不能辨別為何她會抗拒：

Here are some brief examples of ways a man might mistakenly invalidate feelings and perceptions or offer unwanted solutions. See if you can recognize why she would resist:

 

1你不應該過分操心。

I. "You shouldn't worry so much."

2我不是那樣說的。

2. "But that is not what I said."

3這沒什麽了不起。

3. "It's not such a big deal."

4是，我很抱歉，我們可不可以把不愉快忘了。

4. "OK, I'm sorry. Now can we just forget it."

5為何你不著手去做呢？

5. "Why don't you just do it?"

6我們談了呀！

6. "But we do talk."

7你不應該覺得受到傷害，我不是故意的。

7. "You shouldn't feel hurt, that's not what I meant."

8你想說什麽？

8. "So what are you trying to say?"

9你不該這樣想。

9. "But you shouldn't feel that way."

10你怎能這樣說？上個星期我整天和你在一起，我們處得很好。

I0. "How can you say that? Last week I spent the whole day with you. We had a great time."

11好吧，把它忘了吧。

II. " OK, then just forget it."

12好，我會清理後院，你高興了吧！

I2. "All right, I'll dean up the backyard. Does that make you happy?"

13我總算讓你知道這是你該做的事。

I3. "I got it. This is what you should do."

14看吧，我們束手無策了。

I4. "Look, there's nothing we can do about it."

15如果你抱怨做那些事，那麽就不要做。

I5. "If you are going to complain about doing it, then don't do it."

16你為何讓人家那樣對待你？別理他們吧！

I6. "Why do you let people treat you that way? Forget them."

17你如果不高興，我們隻好離婚。

I7. "If you're not happy then we should just get a divorce."

18好，你現在就可以做了。

I8. "All right, then you can do it from now on."

19從現在開始，我會掌握它。

I9. "From now on, I will handle it."

20我當然關心你，其荒謬。

20. "Of course I care about you. That's ridiculous."

21你了解重點了嗎？

2 I. "Would you get to the point?"

22我們必須做的是……

22. "All we have to do is...

23事情不隻這樣而已。

23. "That's not at all what happened."

 

每一句話，不是要消除就是要解釋難過的感覺，或者提供一個可以突然將她沮喪的感覺改為積極感受的解答。男人改變此模式的首要步驟是，停止類似以上的“建議”(我們會在第五章做完整的探討)。總之，練習傾聽，不必提供消除難過的方法或解答，是重要的步驟。

Each of these statements either Invalidates or attempts to explain upset feelings or offers a solution designed suddenly to change her negative feelings to positive feelings. The first step a man can take to change this pattern is simply to stop making the above comments (we explore this topic more fully in chapter 5). To practice listening without offering any invalidating comments or solutions is, however, a big step.

男人若能清楚了解引起女人抗拒的不是解答本身，而是提供解答的時機和方式不對，那麽他就較能處理女人的抗拒。學習傾聽後，他會逐漸體驗到女人對他表示難過時，由於他的傾聽，她會更感激他。

By clearly understanding that his timing and delivery are being rejected and not his solutions, a man can handle a woman's resistance much better. He doesn't take it so personally. By learning to listen, gradually he will experience that she will appreciate him more even when at first she is upset with him.

如何化解男性抗拒心態

WHEN A MAN RESISTS THE Home‑IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE

男人抗拒女人的建議時，她會覺得他好像不在乎她；她覺得她沒受到尊重，因而她理所當然以為自己沒受到支持，再也不相信他。

When a man resists a woman's suggestions she feels as though he doesn't care; she feels her needs are not being respected. As a result she understandably feels unsupported and stops trusting him.

這時，若她記得男人從火星來，她就會轉而了解為何他抗拒她。她會反省和發現她可能給了他非請求的建議或批評，而不是單純地與他分享她的需求，提供資訊，或請求他做事。

At such times, by remembering that men are from Mars, she can instead correctly understand why he is resisting her. She can reflect and discover how she was probably giving him unsolicited advice or criticism rather than simply sharing her needs, providing information, or making a request.

女人在無意中可能提供了無惡意的批評，引起男人的抗拒。當你探討下列這些短例時，請記住：這些小事可能會造成抗拒與怨恨的大隔閡。有些評注隱含了建議或批評。看你能不能辨別為什麽他會覺得被控製。

Here are some brief examples of ways a woman might unknowingly annoy a man by offering advice or seemingly harmless criticism. As you explore this list, remember that these little things can add up to create big walls of resistance and resentment. In some of the statements the advice or criticism is hidden. See if you can recognize why he might feel controlled.

 

1那東西你早就有了，為什麽還想買？

I. "How can you think of buying that? You already have one."

2那些盤子還是濕的，幹了後會留下水跡。

2. "Those dishes are still wet. They'll dry with spots"

3你的頭發已經太長了，不是嗎？

3. "Your hair is getting kind of long, isn't It?"

4那裏有個停車場，把車子開過去。

4. "There's a parking spot over there, turn [the car] around."

5你要和朋友相處，我呢？

5. "You want to spend time with your friends, what about me?"

6你不應該工作得這麽累，休息一天吧。

6. "You shouldn't work so hard. Take a day off."

7不要把東西放在那裏，會弄丟。

7. "Don't put that there. It will get lost."

8你應該叫水電工人來，他知道怎麽做。

8. "You should call a plumber. He'll know what to do."

9為什麽我們要排隊候位？你沒有預約晤？

9. "Why are we waiting for a table? Didn't you make reservations? "

10你應該多花時間和孩子在一起，他們很想你。

I0. "You should spend more time with the kids. They miss you. "

11你的辦公室亂七八糟，你在那裏怎麽思考呢？你什麽時候可以把它清一清？

II. "Your office is still a mess. How can you think in here? When are you going to clean it up> "

12你又忘了把它帶回家，也許你可以把它放在一個你會記得的特殊地方。

I2. "You forgot to bring it Home again. Maybe you could put it in a special place where you can remember it."

13你開得太快了，慢下來，不然會被開罰單。

I3. "You're driving too fast. Slow down or you'll get a ticket."

14我們下次得先看電影預告。

I4. "Next time we should read the movie reviews."

15我不知道你在哪裏(你應該打個電話回來)。

I5. "I didn't know where you were." (You should have called.)

16有人喝了果汁。

I6. "Somebody drank from the juice bottle."

17別用手指拿東西吃，這是個壞榜樣。

I7. "Don't eat with your fingers. You're setting a bad example."

18這些薯片太油膩，對你心髒不好。

I8. "Those potato chips are too greasy. They're not good for your heart."

19你沒有留足夠的時間給自己。

I9. "You are not leaving yourself enough time."

20你應該提前通知我，我無法馬上放掉每件事跟你去吃中飯。

20. "You should give me more [advance] notice. I can't just drop everything and go to lunch with you."

21你的這件襯衫和褲子不配。

2I. "Your shirt doesn't match your pants."

22比爾打來三次了，你什麽時候可以回他電話？

22. "Bill called for the third time. When are you going to call him back?"

23你的工具箱亂七八糟，我什麽都找不到，你應該把它整理好。

23. "Your toolbox is such a mess. I can't find anything. You should organize it."

 

當女人不知道該如何直接請求男人的支持(第十二章)，或積極分享她的意見時(第九章)，她可能會覺得若不給與非請求的建議或批評，她就無法得到她的需求(稍後會再探討這個論點)。總之，練習接受及不要給與建議和批評，是一個重要步驟。

When a woman does not know how to directly ask a man for support (chapter I2) or constructively share a difference of opinion (chapter 9), she may feel powerless to get what she needs without giving unsolicited advice or criticism (again, we explore this topic more fully later on). To practice giving acceptance and not giving advice and criticism is, however, a big step.

她若清楚了解他並非拒絕她的要求，而是拒絕她接近他的方式，就不會將他的拒絕視為個人的問題，並會尋求更多支持她傳達需求的方式。她會逐漸知道，當一個男人覺得問題的解答在接近他而非問題本身接近他時，他就會想要改善自己。

By clearly understanding he is rejecting not her needs but the way she is approaching him, she can take his rejection less person­ally and explore more supportive ways of communicating her needs. Gradually she will realize that a man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.

當一個男人覺得是問題的解答在接近他，而不是問題本身在接近他時，他就會想要改善自己。

如果你是個女人，我建議你下星期練習克製給與男人任何非請求的建議或批評，這樣你生命中的男人不隻會感激你，還會對你更殷勤、更有反應。

If you are a woman, I suggest that for the next week practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism. The men in your life not only will appreciate it but also will be more attentive and responsive to you.

　　如果你是個男人，我建議你下星期開始練習傾聽，不管女人何時說話，你都以尊重和了解她心情的態度傾聽。當你衝動得想提供解答或改變她的感覺時，練習咬咬舌頭，你會很驚訝地體驗到她有多感激你。

If you are a man, I suggest that for the next week you practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is feeling. You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you.