Preface : Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

不隻是“好天氣朋友”

      Introduction

女兒蘿恩出生後一星期，我和太太邦妮真是精疲力盡。每晚蘿恩都把我們哭醒，邦妮生產時產道破裂，吃止痛藥還是幾乎不能走路，我請了五天假在家幫忙，我上班後，她似乎比較好了。

A week after our daughter Lauren was born, my wife Bonnie and I were completely exhausted. Each night Lauren kept waking us. Bonnie had been torn in the delivery and was taking painkillers. She could barely walk. After five days of staying Home to help, I went back to work. She seemed to be getting better.

她藥吃完了，沒有告訴我，我弟弟來探望她時，她卻請他幫忙去買。我弟弟一出門就沒有回來，因此，她忍著一整天的痛照顧新生兒。

While I was away she ran out of pain pills. Instead of calling me at the office, she asked one of my brothers, who was visiting, to purchase more. My brother, however, did not return with the pills. Consequently, she spent the whole day in pain, taking care of a newborn.

我不知道她那天的慘狀，當我回家時，她很難過，而我誤以為她是因壓力而責備我。

I had no idea that her day had been so awful. When I returned Home she was very upset. I misinterpreted the cause of her distress and thought she was blaming me.

    她說：“我一整天都在痛.....止痛藥沒了。我在床上躺一整天，根本沒人關心我。”我自衛的說:“你為什麽不打電話給我？”

She said, "I've been in pain all day.... I ran out of pills. I've been stranded in bed and nobody cares!" I said defensively, "Why didn't you call me?"

她說：“我請你弟弟去買，他忘記了！我整天都在等他回來。我還能做什麽？我幾乎不能走路。我好像給遺棄了！”

She said, "I asked your brother, but he forgot! I've' been waiting for him to return all day. What am I supposed to do? I can barely walk. I feel so deserted!"

這時我爆發了。我那天情緒也很不穩，我氣她沒有打電話給我，氣她在我不知道她痛的情況下罵我。我們彼此以嚴厲的字眼責備對方後，我走向門口，我累了、急了、聽夠了；我們兩人都到了極限。然後，改變我人生的事發生了。

At this point I exploded. My fuse was also very short that day. I was angry that she hadn't called me. I was furious that she was blaming me when I didn't even know she was in pain. After exchanging a few harsh words, I headed for the door. I was fired, irritable, and had heard enough. We had both reached our limits. Then something started to happen that would change my life.

邦妮說：“停下來，請不要離開。這是我最需要你的時候。我在痛，我白天都不能睡覺，請聽我說。”

Bonnie said, "Stop, please don't leave. This is when I need you the most. I'm in pain. I haven 't slept in days. Please listen to me."

我停下腳步聽。

I stopped for a moment to listen.

This incident with Bonnie revealed to me how I could change this pattern.

她說：“約翰．葛瑞，你是個“好天氣朋友”！當我是甜美、可愛的邦妮時，你在我這邊，但當我不是時，你就會走出門外。”

She said, "John Gray, you're a fair‑weather friend! As long as I'm sweet, loving Bonnie you are here for me, but as soon as I'm not, you walk right out that door."

她停下來，眼睛充滿淚水，改變聲調說：“現在我正在痛苦中，我無法給你什麽，這是我最需要你的時候。請抱著我，什麽也不必說，我隻要感覺你的手臂環繞著我就好了。請不要走開。”

Then she paused, and her eyes filled up with tears. As her tone shifted she said, "Right now I'm in pain. I have nothing to give, this is when I need you the most. Please, come over here and hold me. You don't have to say anything. I just need to feel your arms around me. Please don't go."

我走過去安靜地抱著她，她在我懷裏哭著。幾分鍾後，她向我道謝我沒有離開她，她告訴我她隻是要感覺我抱著她。

I walked over and silently held her. She wept in my arms. After a few minutes, she thanked me for not leaving. She told me that she just needed to feel me holding her.

在那一刻我才了解無條件的愛的意義。我總以為自己是個有愛心的人，但她說得好，我是個“好天氣朋友”，她快樂可愛時我才愛她，她不怏樂成難過時，我因自覺受到責備而和她爭論或疏離她。

At that moment I started to realize the real meaning of love, unconditional love. I had always thought of myself as a loving person. But she was right. I had been a fair‑weather friend. As long as she was happy and nice, I loved back. But if she was unhappy or upset, I would feel blamed and then argue or distance myself.

那天，我第一次沒有離開她，我留下來了，感覺很好。我成功地在她需要我時給她一些她需要的支持，這種感覺像真的愛情，照顧另一個人，信任彼此的愛，在她需要時寸步不離。我驚歎於用這個方法支持她是多麽容易！

That day, for the first time, I didn't leave her. I stayed, and it felt great. I succeeded in giving to her when she really needed me. This felt like real love. Caring for another person. Trusting in our love. Being there at her hour of need. I marveled at how easy it was for me to support her when I was shown the way.

我過去怎會錯失這機會呢？她隻要我走過去抱著她。別的女性也許馬上就可以知道邦妮的需求，但身為男人，我不知道踫觸、擁抱、傾聽對她有那麽重要，知道了這個不同後，我開始學習與太大相處的新方法。我從沒想到可以這麽輕易地解決衝突。

How had I missed this? She just needed me to go over and hold her. Another woman would have instinctively known what Bonnie needed. But as a man, I didn't know that touching, holding, and listening were so important to her. By recognizing these differences I began to learn a new way of relating to my wife. I would have never believed we could resolve conflict so easily.

改善溝通模式

在我過去的婚姻關係裏，每遇到困難時刻我就顯得漠不關心、沒有愛心，其實我隻是不知道自己能做什麽。因此，我的第一次婚姻既痛苦又辛苦。和邦妮的這件事使我了解如何改變這種模式，也鼓舞了我花七年的時間研究本書提出的男女關係促進法。學習男女之不同後，我突然了解其實我不必這麽賣力經營婚姻，由於了解了彼此的不同，日此我和邦妮便能夠改善溝通的方式，並且彼此欣賞。

In my previous relationships, I had become indifferent and unloving at difficult times, simply because I didn't know what else to do. As a result, my first marriage had been very painful and difficult. It inspired my seven years of research to help develop and refine the insights about men and women in this book. By learning in very practical and specific terms about how men and women are different, I suddenly began to realize that my marriage did not need to be such a struggle. With this new awareness of our differences Bonnie and I were able to improve dramatically our communication and enjoy each other more.

持續地研究探討男女之不同後，我們發現了改善彼此所有關係的新方法，那是我們父母不知道而且無法教我們的。我將我的觀察心得與來谘商協談的人分享後，他們的關係也改善了。成千上萬參加我周末研討會的人，也在一夜之間改善了他們夫妻間的關係。

By continuing to recognize and explore our differences we have discovered new ways to improve all our relationships. We have learned about relationships in ways that our parents never knew and therefore could not have taught us. As I began sharing these insights with my counseling clients, their relationships were also enriched. Literally thousands of those who attended my weekend seminars saw their relationships dramatically transform overnight.

七年後，參加過我的研討會的個人或夫妻，表示他們還在受惠中。我收到一些夫妻寄來他們與孩子的合照，感謝我挽救了他們的婚姻。雖說是他們自已付出的愛挽救了他們的婚姻，但若不是深入了解對方，他們最後可能仍會走上離婚一途。

Seven years later individuals and couples still report successful benefits. I receive pictures of happy couples and their children, with letters thanking me for saving their marriage. Although their love saved their marriage, they would have divorced if they hadn't gained a deeper understanding of the opposite sex.

蘇珊和吉米結婚九年，和大多數夫妻一樣，他們以愛結合，但日積月累的挫折與失望，使他們失去當初的熱情而決定放棄婚姻。離婚前，他們來聽我的周末婚姻關係研討會。蘇珊說：“我們盡力維持婚姻，但卻十分困難。”

Susan and Jim had been married nine years. Like most couples they started out loving each other, but after years of increasing frustration and disappointment they lost their passion and decided to give up. Before getting a divorce, however, they attended my weekend relationship seminar. Susan said, "We have tried everything to make this relationship work. We are just too different."

在研討會中，他們很驚訝得知他們的不同不但很正常而且是應該的。他們很高興別的夫妻也有相同的問題。才兩天功夫，蘇珊和吉米對男女就有了新的認知。

During the seminar they were amazed to learn that their differences were not only normal but were to be expected. They were comforted that other couples had experienced the same patterns of relating. In just two days, Susan and Jim gained a totally new understanding of men and women.

他們再度陷入熱戀，婚姻關係奇跡似地轉變了，他們期待分享生活，也絕口不再提離婚。吉米說：“了解了男女的不同，使我回到我太大身邊。這是我從未收過的最佳禮物。我們又再一次彼此相愛。”

They fell in love again. Their relationship miraculously changed. No longer heading toward a divorce, they looked forward to sharing the rest of their lives together. Jim said, "This information about

our differences has given me back my wife. This is the greatest gift I could ever receive. We are loving each other again."

六年後，他們邀請我到他們的新家，和他們的家人見麵，他們仍舊彼此相愛，並感謝我幫助他們了解彼此和維持婚姻。

Six years later, when they invited me to visit their new Home and family, they were still loving each other. They were still dunking me for helping them to understand each other and stay married.

新的愛情認知

雖然幾乎每個人都同意男女不同，但大多數人卻不清楚是如何不同。過去十年，有許多書企圖解釋男女之間的不同，雖然有了重大的進展，但大多數仍是片麵之辭，不幸的是，反而有些資訊煽動對異性的不信任與忿恨，把一方看成是另一方的受害者。要正確了解男女的不同，必須要有明晰的指導。

Although almost everyone would agree that men and women are different, how different is still undefined for most people. Many books in the last ten years have forged ahead, attempting to define these differences. Though important advances have been made, many books are one‑sided and unfortunately reinforce mistrust and resentment toward the opposite sex. One sex is generally viewed as being victimized by the other. A definitive guide was needed for understanding how healthy men and women are different.

改善兩性關係必須清楚了解男女之間的不同，以便鼓舞互相信任、個人責任、促進彼此合作、增加愛意以提高自尊。我在研討會上做了超過兩萬五千名參與者的問卷後，如今能夠以積極的用語解釋男女之不同。當你探討這些不同時，你會覺得憤恨與不信任之牆正逐漸融化中。

To improve relations between the sexes it is necessary to create an understanding of our differences that raises self‑esteem and personal dignity while inspiring mutual trust, personal responsibility, increased cooperation, and greater love. As a result of questioning more than 25,000 participants in my relationship seminars I have been able to define in positive terms how men and women are different. As you explore these differences you will feel walls of resentment and mistrust melting down.

開放心胸使人充滿諒解之心，也能夠增進給與的動力，這樣自已便能收到更多的愛與支持。我希望你帶著這個新的認知，甚至超越本書所提的建議，繼續發現與異性互愛與支持的方法。

Opening the heart results in greater forgiveness and increased motivation to give and receive love and support. With this new awareness, you will, I hope, go beyond the suggestions in this book and continue to develop ways in which you can relate lovingly to the opposite sex.

本書的理論都曾經過實驗，超過兩萬五千份的個人問卷，結果幾乎百分之九十都誠心地表現在本書中。如果你讀本書時不斷點頭說：“是，是，你說的就是我”那麽你就不寂寞了，你可以像其他引用本書觀點的人一樣受惠。

All of the principles in this book have been tested and tried. At least 90 percent of the more than 25,000 individuals questioned have enthusiastically recognized themselves 'm these descriptions. If you find yourself nodding your head while reading this book, saying "Yes, yes this is me you're talking about," then you are definitely not alone. And just as others have benefited from applying the insights in this book, you can as well.

本書詳述男女之不同，揭露了減少緊張關係與增進愛情的新方法；也提供加何減少挫折與失望、增進快樂與親密的實用意見。其實婚姻關係並不需要意力掙紮，隻有在我們不了解對方時，才會產生緊張、氣憤或衝突。

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus reveals new strategies for reducing tension in relationships and creating more love by first recognizing in great detail how men and women are different. It then offers practical suggestions about how to reduce frustration and disappointment and to create increasing Happiness and intimacy. relationships do not have to be such a struggle. Only when we do not understand one another is there tension, resentment, or conflict.

許多人對婚姻感到挫折，他們愛配偶，但當氣氛緊張時，卻不知該如何做才能使情況好轉。你將因了解男女有多麽不同而學到與另一半成功建立關係，運用傾聽與支持的新方法。你將學到加何增進你本就應該擁有的愛情。

So many people are frustrated in their relationships. They love their partners, but when there is tension they do not know what to do to make things better. Through understanding how completely different men and women are, you will learn new ways for successfully relating with, listening to, and supporting the opposite sex. You will learn how to create the love you deserve. As you read this book you may wonder how anybody succeeds in having a successful relationship without it.

親身體會兩性差異

 “男女大不同”是愛情關係的指南。男女不隻溝通的方式不同，想法、感覺、認知、反應、愛情、需求、表達、感激的態度等等也大不相同；他們幾乎是從不同的星球來的，說不同的語言，需要不同的滋養。

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is a manual for loving relationships( in the I990s). (It reveals how men and women differ in all areas of their lives.) Not only do men and women cornmunicate differently but they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need, and appreciate differently. They almost seem to be from different planets, speaking different languages and needing different nourishment.

詳細了解男女之間的不同，有助於解決你正遭遇的挫折，也幫助我們了解異性，不但可以很快化解談會，也可防止誤會的發生。當你記得你與配偶是從不同星球來的不一樣的人時，你就會放鬆自己去配合，而不會一味反抗或試圖改變他。

This expanded understanding of our differences helps resolve much of the frustration in dealing with and trying to understand the opposite sex. Misunderstandings can then be quickly dissipated or avoided. Incorrect expectations are easily corrected. When you remember that your partner is as different from you as someone from another planet, you can relax and cooperate with the differences instead of resisting or trying to change them.

最重要的是，從本書中你可學到實用技巧，解決因男女的不同所引起的問題。這本書不僅是心理學差異的理論分析，也是增進愛情關係的最佳指南。

Most important, throughout this book you will learn practical techniques for solving the problems that arise from our differences. This book is not just a theoretical analysis of psychological differences but also a practical manual for how to succeed in creating loving relationships.

書中理論的真實性加何，全在於你的自我證明，也藉由你在親身經驗和常識中肯定它的價值，書中有許多簡明的例子表達了你旱已知道的事情，這肯定可以幫助你在彼此的關係中不致迷失。

The truth of these principles is self‑evident and can be validated by your own experience as well as by common sense. Many examples will simply and concisely express what you have always intuitively known. This validation will assist you in being you and in not losing yourself in your relationships.

男人通常會對這些觀點反應說:“那就是我。你曾了解過我嗎？我不覺得我做錯了什麽。“女人則通常會說;“我先生終於肯聽我了，我不需要為了受肯定而吵架。你解釋我們的不同時，我先生便漸漸了解。謝謝你！”這是令人鼓舞的時刻，人們學習男人從火星來、女人從金星來的觀念後，分享他們的感受。這個了解異性的新課程，其結果不隻是立即的，也將是長久的。

In response to these insights, men often say "This is exactly how I am. Have you been following me around? I no longer feel like something is wrong with me." Women often say "Finally my husband listens to me. I don't have to fight to be validated. When you explain our differences, my husband understands. Thank you!" These are but a few of the thousands of inspirational comments that people have shared after learning that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. The results of this new program for understanding the opposite sex are not only dramatic and immediate but also long lasting.

增進愛情關係之旅當然有時會碰上棘手，問題產生在所難免。但這問題既可成為忿恨、拒絕之源，也可成為增進愛情、親密、關心與信任的機會。本書提出的觀點不是消除所有問題的“修理快手”，而是提供你新的方法，讓你的兩性關係能夠成功地支持你在人生中不斷出現的問題，有了這個新認知，你就有了獲得愛情所需的工具，能夠給你的另一半更多的愛，支持地或她的需要。

Certainly the journey of creating a loving relationship can be rocky at times. Problems are inevitable. But these problems either can be sources of resentment and rejection or can be opportunities for deepening intimacy and increasing love, caring, and trust. The insights of this book are not a "quick fix" to eliminate all problems. Instead they provide a new approach whereby your relationships can successfully support you in solving life's problems as they arise. With this new awareness you will have the tools you need to get the love you deserve and to give your partner the love and support he or she deserves.

活用本書訊息

本書提出許多有關男女的概念，你可能發現有些話對你而言特別真實，有此則不然……畢竟每個人有他獨特的經驗，有時候在我研討會上的夫妻或個人會以相反的立場，與我分享我所提出的相關例子。發言的這個男人和我陳述的女人有關，發言的這個女人和我陳述的男人也有關，我稱這為角色轉換。

I make many generalizations about men and women in this book. Probably you will find some comments truer than others ... after all, we are unique individuals with unique experiences. Sometimes in my seminar couples and individuals will share that they relate to the examples of men and women but in an opposite way. The man relates to my descriptions of women and the woman relates to my descriptions of men. I call this role reversal.

如果你發現有角色轉換的經驗，請你安心，沒什麽關係。當你和書中所談的無關時，我建議你忽略它或深入了解你的內在。許多男子為了表現出有愛心和教養，隱藏了自己的男子氣概，就像許多女性為了在往重男性權勢的工作中討生活，便隱藏了她們的女性特質。若碰上這種例子，隻要運用本書提供的建議、方法和技巧，不隻可使你在關係中更熱情，也可平衡你的性別特質。

If you discover you are experiencing role reversal, I want to assure you that everything is all right. I suggest that when you do not relate to something in this book, either ignore it (moving on tosomething you do relate to) or look deeper inside yourself. Many men have denied some of their masculine attributes in order to become more loving and nurturing. Likewise many women have denied some of their feminine attributes in order to earn a living in a work force that rewards masculine attributes. If this is the case, then by applying the suggestions, strategies, and techniques in this book you not only will create more passion in your relationships but also will increasingly balance your masculine and feminine characteristics.

我沒有直接請出男女為什麽不同，這是個複雜的問題，答案可以從生物學之不同、父母之影響、教育、出生順序，到受社會、曆史等影響的文化條件等去挖掘。

In this book I do not directly address the question of why men and women are different. This is a complex question to which there are many answers, ranging from biological differences, parental influence, education, and birth order to cultural conditioning by society, the media, and history. (These issues are explored in great depth in my book Men, Women, and relationships: Making Peace with the Opposite Sex.)

雖然利用本書觀點可以立即得到收獲，但不能取代心理治療的需要，也不能為出了麻煩的關係或混亂的家庭做輔導。即使健康的人，在麵對挑戰時也可能仍需要心理治療或輔導，我十分相信心理治療和婚姻輔導可幫助個人做強有力的改變。

Although the benefits of applying the insights in this book are immediate, this book does not replace the need for therapy and counseling for troubled relationships or survivors of a dysfunctional family. Even healthy individuals may need therapy or counseling at challenging times. I believe strongly in the powerful and gradual transformation that occurs in therapy, marriage counseling, and twelve‑step recovery groups.

我仍不斷聽到人們告訴我，他們從了解男女關係中得到的收獲，比做了幾年的心理治療還要大。我相信他們能成功地將我的觀點運用到日常的關係和生活中，是因數年來的心理治療為他們打下了基礎。

Yet repeatedly I have heard people say that they have benefited more from this new understanding of relationships than from years of therapy. I however believe that their years of therapy or recovery work provided the groundwork that allowed them to apply these insights so successfully to their life and relationships.

如果我們的過去很混亂，做了多年的心理治療後仍需一個積極健康的關係圖象，本書正提供了這圖象。反之，就算我們的過去充滿了愛與滋潤，但隨著時間的改變，我們仍需要維持兩性關係和諧的新方法。我相信每一個人都可從本書的觀點中獲益。我從研討會參與者和來信中聽到的唯一消極回應是：“我希望以前有人告訴我這些事。”

If our past was dysfunctional, then even after years of therapy or attending recovery groups we still need a positive picture of healthy relationships. This book provides that vision. On the other hand, even if our past has been very loving and nurturing, times have changed, and a new approach to relationships between the sexes is still required. It is essential to learn new and healthy ways of relating and communicating. I believe everyone can benefit from the insights in this book. The only negative response I hear from participants in my seminars and in the letters I receive is "I wish someone had told me this before."

　　增進你人生的愛情永不嫌遲。你隻需要學習新方法。如果你想與異性有更完美的關係，此書是你最佳的指南。很高興和你分享“男女大不同”。祝福你永遠在智慧與愛情中成長，但願離婚率降低，幸福的婚姻增加。我們的孩子應該擁有一個更美好的世界。

It is never too late to increase the love in your life. You only need to learn a new way. Whether you are in therapy or not, if you want to have more fulfilling relationships with the opposite sex, this book is for you.

It is a pleasure to share with you Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. May you always grow in wisdom and in love. May the frequency of divorce decrease and the number of happy marriages increase. Our children deserve a better world.