Chapter 12 : How to Ask for Support and Get It

第十二章  向伴侶要求愛與支持

 

如果你在婚姻關係中沒有得到你要的支持，主要的原因可能是你沒有做足夠的要求，或者要求的方法不當。

If you are not getting the support you want in your relationships a significant reason may be that you do not ask enough or you may ask in a way that doesn't work.

 

要求愛與支持是任何關係的基礎。如果你想獲得，你就必須要求。

Asking for love and support is essential to the success of any relationship. If you want to G‑E‑T then you have to A‑S‑K.

男女都難以啟齒要求支持。但是，女人比男人更會對“要求”失望或感到挫折，因此，本章特別針對女人而設計。當然，男人若閱讀此章，也會更了解女人。

Both men and women have difficulty asking for support. Women, however, tend to find it much more frustrating and disappointing to ask for support than men do. For this reason, I will be addressing this chapter to women. Of course, men will deepen their understanding of women if they too read this chapter.

 

 

女人為何不要求

WHY WOMEN DON'T ASK

 

女人誤以為她們不必要求支持，因為她們以為男人會像她們一樣，可以直接感受他人的需求，主動給與支持。女人一旦戀愛就會義無反顧地給與愛，她愉快熱情地尋找給與支持的方法。她愈喜歡一個人，就愈主動給與愛。在金星上，每個人都主動給與支持，她們不必找理由要求；事實上，不需要求也是她們對他人表示愛的方式。金星上的標語是：“愛是從不必要求！”

Women make the mistake of thinking they don't have to ask for support. Because they intuitively feet the needs of others and give whatever they can, they mistakenly expect men to do the same. When a woman is in love, she instinctively offers her love. With great delight and enthusiasm, she looks for ways to offer her supPort. The more she loves someone, the more motivated she is to offer her love. Back on Venus, everyone automatically gives support, so there was no reason to ask for it. In fact, not needing to ask is one of the ways they show their love for one another. On Venus their motto is "Love is never having to ask!"

 

　　金星上的標語是：“愛是從不必要求！”

　　

基於此一參考點，她會揣測如果配偶愛她，那麽無須她要求，他也會提供支持。她更可能故意不要求，以考驗他是否真的愛她。男人必須能預測她的需要，和提供非請求的幫忙才能通過她的考驗。

Because this is her reference point, she assumes that if her partner loves her, he will offer his support and she won't have to ask. She may even purposefully not ask as a test to see if he really loves her. To pass the test, she requires that he anticipate her needs and offer his unsolicited support!

 

然而這方法在婚姻關係中卻對男人無效。男人從火星來，火星上的人若想要支持，必須直接提出要求。男人不會主動提供支持，除非有人向他要求。但有時候也令人非常迷惑，因為如果你以不當的方式向他要求，他可能對你不理睬；如果完全不要求，你所得到的很可能隻是一點點或全然一無所獲。

This approach to relationships with men doesn't work. Men are from Mars, and on Mars If you want support you simply have to ask for it. Men are not instinctively motivated to offer their support; they need to be asked. This can be very confusing because if you ask a man for support in the wrong way he gets turned off, and if you don't ask at all you'll get little or none.

 

在關係的初始，如果女人沒有得到她想要的支持，她會揣測男人已沒能力給與了，她則繼續耐心地給與，以為過段時間後男人就會趕上。而他想的卻是他已經給夠了，否則女人怎麽會繼續給與呢！

In the beginning of a relationship, if a woman doesn't get the support she wants, she then assumes that he is not giving because he has nothing more to give. She patiently and lovingly continues to give. assuming that sooner or later he'll catch up. He assumes, however, he is giving enough, because she continues giving to him.

 

他不知道她正期待著他的回饋。他以為她若有需要或要求更多，她早就停止給與。但因她從金星來，她不隻需要更多，也期待他主動給與支持而不必等她開口，而他卻等待著她有需要時再開口要求，如她不要求，他便以為自己已經給夠了。

He doesn't realize she is expecting him to give back. He thinks that if she needed or wanted more she would stop giving. But since she is from Venus, she not only wants more but also expects him to offer his support without being asked. But he is waiting for her to start asking for support if she wants it. If she is not asking for support he assumes he is giving enough.

 

最後，等到她要求幫忙時，她已付出太多，積滿憤怒，因此，她的要求會變成命令。有些女人因必須要求男人支持而對男人生氣，就算男人答應並給與一些支持了，她仍氣憤的以為：“如果必須要我開口要求，就不算。”

Eventually, she may ask for his support, but by this time she has given so much more and feels so much resentment that her request is really a demand. Some women will resent a man simply because they have to ask for his support. Then, when they do ask, even if he says yes and gives her some support, she will still resent that she had to ask. She feels "If I have to ask, it doesn't count."

 

男人無法對命令或氣憤做出好的回應，就算男人樂意給與支持，她的氣憤或命令卻會使他打退堂鼓。命令會使人卻步，使她獲取他支持的機會大大減少。有時候，隻要他感到她在命令，他就不願給與了。

Men do not respond well to demands and resentment. Even if a man is willing to give support, her resentment or demands will lead him to say no. Demands are. a complete turnoff. Her chances of getting, his support are dramatically reduced when a request becomes a demand. In some cases he will even give less for a while if he senses that she is demanding more.

 

如果女人沒有要求支持，男人便會以為他己給夠了。

 

這個模式使得沒有覺察這一點的女人，在婚姻關係中和男人相處時顯得十分困難。雖然這個問題看似不可解決，但事實上可以的。隻要記得男人從火星來的，你就可以學習新的要求方法——有效的方法。

This pattern makes relationships with men very difficult for the unaware women. Though this problem may feel insurmountable, it can be solved. By remembering that men are from Mars you can learn new ways to ask for what you want‑ways that work.

 

我在研討會上訓練成千上萬的女性要求的藝術，她們也不斷得到立即的成效。本章我們要探討要求與獲得所需的三步驟：(一)練習得當地要求你早已獲得的；(二)雖明知他會說不，也練習要求更多，並接受他的拒絕；(三)練習確定的要求。

In my seminars I have trained thousands of women in the art of asking, and they repeatedly have had immediate success. In this chapter we will explore the three steps involved in asking for and getting what you want. They are: (I) Practice asking correctly for what you're already getting; (2) Practice asking for more, even when you know he will say no, and accept his no; (3) Practice assertive asking.

 

步驟一：得當地要求你早已獲得的

STEP I: ASKING CORRECTLY FOR WHAT YOU ARE ALREADY GETTING

 

學習如何在婚姻關係中獲取更多的第一步是，練習得當地要求你早已獲得的。要多察覺配偶已為你做了什麽，尤其是小事情，像是提重物、修理東西、清潔打掃、打電話或做家事等。

The first step In learning how to get more In your relationships Is to practice asking for what you are already getting. Become aware of what your partner is already. doing for you. Especially the little things, like carrying boxes, fixing things, cleaning up, making calls, and other little chores.

 

本步驟的重要部分是，開始要求他做他早已在做的小事情，然後向他表示由衷的感激。暫時不要期待他會給與非請求的支持。

The important part of this stage is to begin asking him to do the little things he already does and not to take him for granted. Then when he does those things give him a lot of appreciation. Temporarily give up expecting him to offer his support unsolicited.

 

還有一點很重要，即是不要要求他做過去未曾做的。隻要求他做他通常在做的小事情，讓他習慣聽你用非命令式的口吻要求他做事。

In step I, it is important not to ask for more than what he is used to giving. Focus on asking him to do little things that he normally does. Allow him to become used to hearing you ask for things in a nondemanding tone.

 

不管你如何用美麗的語言提出要求，隻要是帶命令的口氣，他所聽到的就是他給的不夠。這使他覺得自己沒有被愛、被感激。除非你感激他所付出的，否則他會吝於再給與。

When he hears a demanding tone, no matter how nicely you phrase your request, all he hears is that he is not giving enough. This makes him feel unloved and unappreciated. His tendency is then to give less until you appreciate what he is already giving.

 

不管你如何用美麗的語言提出要求，隻要語帶命令口氣，他所聽到的就是他給的不夠。

 

He may be conditioned by you (or his mother) immediately to say no to your requests.

　　

步驟一：你應改變他，讓他積極回應你的要求。男人如果知道你感激他，他就會愈想討好你，盡可能以積極態度回應你的要求。然後，他會主動提供支持。但不要在這步驟一開始時就期待這種結果。此外，你必須確信他會聽你的要求，並有所回應，這就是我說的：“得當地要求。”

In step I you will be reconditioning him to respond positively to your requests. When a man gradually realizes that he is appreciated and not taken for granted and that he pleases you, he will want to respond positively to your requests when he can. Then he will begin automatically offering his support. But this advanced stage shouldn't be expected in the beginning.But there's another reason to start by asking him for what he's already giving. You need to be sure you're asking in a way he can bear you and respond. That's what I mean when I say "asking correctly."

 

 

鼓舞男人的秘訣

Motivating a Man

 

以下有四個如何適當要求男人支持的秘訣，分別是適當的時機、非命令的態度、簡短、直接。如果缺乏這些，男人可能輕易停止支持。讓我們進一步觀察：

There are four secrets of how to correctly ask a Martian for support. If they are not observed, he may be easily turned off. They are: appropriate timing, nondemanding attitude, be brief, be direct, and use correct wording.Let's look at each more closely:

 

一、適當的時機。小心不要要求他做他早已計畫要做的事。例如，如果他已打算倒垃圾，不要再對他說：“你能不能倒垃圾？”那會讓他覺得你在告訴他該做什麽。時機非常重要，還有，如果他已集中精神在某些事上，不要期待他會立刻回應你的要求。

I. Appropriate Timing. Be careful not to ask him to do something that he is obviously just planning to do. For example, if he Is about to empty the trash, don't say "Could you empty the trash?" He will feel you are telling him what to do. Timing is crucial. Also if he is fully focused on something don't expect him immediately to respond to your request.

 

二、非命令的態度。謹記，要求並非命令。不管多小心譴詞用字，如果態度是氣憤和命令式的，他會覺得你不感激他原先所給與的，而可能對你的要求說不。

2. Nondemanding Attitude. Remember, a request is not a demand. If you have a resentful or demanding attitude, no matter how carefully you choose your words, he will feel unappreciated for what he has already given and probably say no.

 

三、簡短。避免給他一長串他為什麽該幫助你的理由。你解釋得愈多，他愈會反抗，長篇大論使他覺得你不相信他會支持你，他會覺得被你控製了，因而不願意提供支持。

3. Be Brief Avoid giving him a fist of reasons why he should help you. Assume that lie doesn't have to be convinced. The longer you explain yourself the more he will resist, Long explanations validating your request make him feel as though you don't trust him to support you. He will start to feel manipulated instead of free to offer his support.

 

要求男人支持時，先假設他不需要被說服。

 

女人在難過時，不希望聽到一大串理由說明她為何不該難過，男人也一樣不希望聽到一大串理由說明他為何必須滿足她的要求。

Just as a woman who is upset doesn't want to hear a list of reasons and explanations about why she shouldn't be upset, a man doesn't want to hear a list of reasons and explanations about why he should fulfill her request.

 

女人錯誤地為她們的要求提出一大串辯護理由，她們以為這樣做可使他認定她的要求，因而受到激發，而男人聽到的卻是：“這就是為何你該這樣做的由。”你說得愈多，他愈抗拒支持你。但如果他問你：“為什麽？”你就可以給他理由，不過一定要簡短。練習相信他會在能力範圍內支持你。提理由時，要盡可能簡短。

Women mistakenly give a list of reasons to justify their needs. They think it will help him see that her request is valid and therefore motivate him. What a man hears is "This is why you have to do it." The longer the list, the more he may resist supporting you. If he asks you "why?" then you can give your reasons, but then again, be cautiously brief. Practice trusting that he will do it, if he can. Be as brief as possible.

 

四、直接。女人通常在沒有提出要求支持的情況下，就以為自己已經要求支持了。她需要幫忙時，可能隻提出問題，而沒有直接要求他的幫忙。她期待他的支持，但卻忽略了直接向他要求。

4. Be Direct. Women often think they are asking for support when they are not. When she needs support, a woman may present the problem but not directly ask for his support. She expects him to offer his support and neglects directly to ask for it.

 

不直接的要求雖然暗示了要求，但沒有亙接說出來，這些不直接的要求使得男人覺得他不會受到感激。偶爾使用不直接的語句沒關係，但如果不斷使用，男人便會反抗，他也許不知道自己為什麽會反抗。以下的語句是不直接要求的例子，以及男人可能有的反應：

An indirect request implies the request but does not directly say it These indirect requests make a man feel taken for granted and unappreciated. Occasionally using indirect statements is certainly OK, but when they are repeatedly used, a man becomes resistant to giving his support. He may not even know why he is so resistant. The following statements are all examples of indirect requests and how a man might respond to them:

 

她不直接時，他可能產生的誤解

WHAT HE MAY HEAR WHEN SHE IS NONDIRECT

 

What she should                                   What she should not             What he’d  think when she is indirect

 (brief ;Q direct)                                  (indirect)

她應說(簡短而直接)　　              她不應說(不直接)　　             她不直接時，他的誤解

 

 

"Would you pick up                     "The kids need to be                       "If you can pick them

the kids?"                                    picked up and I can't do               up you should, other­

                                                 it."                                                   wise I will feel very

                                                                                                      unsupported and resent you" (demand).

　　．你可不可以去接孩子？　　．我們必須去接孩子，但　　．如果你能夠接孩子，你

　　                                                        我沒有空。　　                        應該去，否則我會生氣，

會覺得你不支持我。(命令)．

 

 

"Would you bring in             "The groceries are in                        "It's your job to bring

the groceries?"                                            the car."                    them in, I went shop­ping" (expectation).

．你可不可以把雜貨拿　　     ．雜貨在車子裏。　　            ．買東西是我的責任，拿

進來？　　                                                                                         東西是你的責任。(期待)

 

"Would you empty the                  "I can't fit anything else           "You haven't emptied

trash ?                                            in the trash can."                               the trash. You shouldn't

                                                                                                            wait so long" (criticism).

．你可不可以倒垃圾？　     　．垃圾桶塞滿了，我什麽　　．你不應該到現在還沒有

也放不進去了。　               　倒垃圾。(批評)

 

"Would you clean up              “The backyard is really           "You didn't clean up

the backyard?"                                     a mess."                                              the yard again. You

            should be more re­

            sponsible, I shouldn't

            have to remind you"

            (rejection).

．你可不可以清理後院？　  　．後院已經像個廢墟了。　 　．你很久沒清理院子了。

你應該有責任點，不應該

由我來提醒你。(拒絕)

 

"Would you bring in                         "The mail hasn't been              "You forgot to bring in

the mad?"                             brought in."                            the mail. You should re­

                                                                                                            member" (disapproval).

．你可不可以把信拿進來       　．信沒有拿進來。               　．你忘了拿信進來。你應

　　                                                                                                              該記得的。(否定)

 

 

Would you take us              "I have no time to                                  "I have done so much,

out to eat tonight?"             make dinner tonight.                                the least you could do

                                                                                                              is take us out tonight"

                                                                                                               (dissatisfaction).

．今晚你要帶我們出去吃　　   ．我沒有時間做晚飯。       　．我已經做這麽多了，你

飯嗎？　　                                                                                       至少今晚該帶我們出去

　  吃飯吧。(不滿意)

 

"Would you take me                        "We haven't gone out      "                       You are neglecting me.

out this week?"                                  in weeks."                                           I'm not getting what I

                   need. You should take

                   me out more often"

．你這星期要帶我出去　　        ．我們好幾個星期沒出去　　   ．你忽略我了，我沒有獲

嗎？　　                                         了。　　                                          得需求。你應該經常帶

　　我出去。(氣憤)

           

 

5. Use Correct Wording. One of the most common mistakes in asking for support is the use of could and can In place of would and will. "Could you empty the trash?" is merely a question gathering information. "Would you empty the trash?" is a request.

 

Women often use "could you?" indirectly to imply "would you?" As I mentioned before, Indirect requests are a turnoff. When used occasionally they certainly may go unnoticed, but persistently using can and could begins to irritate men.

 

When I suggest to women that they begin asking for support, sometimes they panic because their partners have already made comments many times such as:

 

• "Don't nag me."

 

•‑‑‑Don't ask me to do things all the time."

 

• "Stop telling me what to do."

 

" I already know what to do."

 

"You don't have to tell me that."

In spite of how it sounds to a woman, when a man makes this kind of comment, what he really means is I. I don't like the wa y You ask!" If a woman doesn't understand how certain language' 'can’r affect men, she will get even more snarled. She becomes afraid to ask and starts saying "Could you..." because she thinks she Is being more polite. Though this works well on Venus, it doesn't work at all on Mars.

 

On Mars it would he an Insult to ask a man "Can you empty the trash?" Of course he can empty the trash! The question is not can he empty the trash but will he empty the trash. After he has been insulted, he may say no just because you have irritated him.

 

What Men Want to Be Asked

 

When I explain this distinction between the c words and the w words in my seminars, women tend to think I am making a big deal over nothing. To women there is not much difference‑in fact, "could you?" may even seem more polite than "would you?" But to many men it is a big difference. Because this distinction is so important, I'm including comments by seventeen different men who attended my seminars.

 

I. When I am asked "Could you clean up the backyard" I really take it literally. I say, "I could do it, sure it's possible." But I am not saying "I will do it," and I certainly don't feel like I am making a promise to do it. On the other hand, when I am asked " Would you clean up the backyard" I begin to make a decision, and I am willing to be supportive. If I say yes, the chances of my remembering to do it are much greater because I have made a promise.

 

2. When she says "I need your help. Could you please help?" it sounds critical, like somehow I have already failed her. It doesn't feel like an invitation to be the

 

good guy I want to be and support her. On the other hand, "I need you help. Would you please carry this?" sounds like a request and an opportunity to be the good guy. I want to say yes.

 

3. When my wife says "(,,in you change Christopher's diaper?" I think inside, Sure I can change it. I am capable, and a diaper is a simple thing to change. But then if I don't feel like doing It I might make sonic excuse. Now, if she asked "Would you change Christopher's diaper?" I would say ‑Yeah, sure," and do it. Inside I would feel, I like to participate and I enjoy helping raise our children. I want to help!

 

4. When I am asked‑‑‑Wouldyou help ine please?" it gives me an opportunity to help, and I am more than willing to support her, but when I hear "Could you help me please?'' I feel backed up against the wall, as if I have no choice. lf I have the ability to help then I am expected to help! l don't feel appreciated.

 

5. I resent being asked "could you." I feel like I have no choice but to say yes. If I say. no she will be upset with me. It is not a request but a demand.

 

6. I keep myself busk, or at least pretend to be busy so that the woman I work with doesn't ask me the "could you" question. With "would you" I feel I have a choice, and I want to help.

 

7. Just this last week in), wife asked ine, "Could you plant the flowers today?" and without hesitation I said yes. Then when slit: came Home she asked, " Did you plant the flower?" I said no. She said, "Could you do it tomor row ~ " and again, without hesitation, I Said

yes. This happened every day this week, and the flowers are still not planted. I think if she had asked me "Would you plant the flowers tomorrow?" I would have thought about it, and if I had said yes I would have done it.

 

8. When I say "Yes, I could do that" I am not committing myself to doing it. I am just saying that I could do it. I have not promised to do it. If she gets upset with me I feel like she doesn't have a right. If I say I will do it, then I can understand why she is upset if I don't do it.

 

9. I grew up with five sisters, and now I am married and have three daughters. When my wife says "Can you bring out the trash?" I just don't answer. Then she asks "why?" and I don't even know. Now I realize why. I feel controlled. I can respond to "would you?"

 

I0. When I hear a "could you" I'll immediately say yes, and then over the next ten minutes I will realize why I'm not going to do it and then ignore the question. But when I hear a "will you" a part of me comes up saying "Yes, I want to be of service," and then even if objections come up later in my mind, I will still fulfill her request because I have given my word.

 

II. I will say yes to a "can you," but inside I resent her. I fee[ that if I say no she will throw a fit. I feel manipulated. When she asks "would you," I feet free to say yes or no. It is then my choice, and then I want to say yes.

 

I2. When a woman asks me "Would you do this?" I feel assured inside that I am going to get a point for this. I feel appreciated and happy to give.

 

I3. When I hear a "would you" I feel I am being trusted to serve. But when I hear a "can you" or "could you" I hear a question behind the question. She is asking me if I can empty the trash when it is obvious that I could. But behind her question is the request,which she doesn't trust me enough to directly ask.

 

I4. When a woman asks "would you" or "will you" I feel her vulnerability. I am much more sensitive to her and her needs; I definitely don't want to reject her.

 

When she says "could you" I am much more apt to say no because I know it is not a rejection of her. It is simply an impersonal statement saying I can't do it.

 

She won't take it personally if I say no to a "Could you do this?"

 

I5. For me, , would you" makes it personal, and I want to give, but "could you" makes it impersonal, and I will give if it is convenient or if I don't have anything else to do.

 

I6. When a woman says "Could you please help me?" I can feel her resentment and I will resist her, but if she says "Would you please help me" I can't hear any resentment, even if there is some. I am willing to say yes.

 

I7. When a woman says "Could you do this for me?" I get kind of honest and say "I'd rather not." The lazy part of me comes out. But when I hear a "Would you please?" I become creative and start thinking of ways to help.

 

One way women are sure to relate to the significant difference between would and could is to reflect for a moment on this romantic scene. Imagine a man proposing marriage to a woman. His heart

is full, like the moon shining above. Kneeling before her, he reaches out to hold her hands. Then he gazes up into her eyes and gently says, "Could you marry me?"

 

Immediately the romance is gone. Using the c word he appears weak and unworthy. In that moment, he reeks of insecurity and low self‑esteem. If instead he said "Would you marry me?" then both his strength and vulnerability are present. That is the way to propose.

 

Similarly, a man requires that a woman propose her requests in this manner. Use the w words. The c words sound too untrusting, indirect, weak, and manipulative.

 

When she says "Could you empty the trash?" the message he receives is "If you can empty it then you should do it. I would do it for you!" From his point of view he feels it is obvious that he can do it. In neglecting to ask for his support he feels she is manipulating him or taking him for granted. He doesn't feel misted to be there for her if he can.

 

I remember one woman in a seminar explaining the difference in Venusian terms. She said, "At first I couldn't feel the difference between these two ways of asking. But then I turned it around. It feels very different to me when he says 'No, I can't do it' versus 'No, I will not do it.' The 'I will not do it' is a personal rejection. If he says 'I can't do it' then it is no reflection on me, it is Just that he can't do it.‑­

 

 

要求時常犯的錯誤

Common mistakes in Asking

 

學習要求最困難的是記得如何發問，這通常需要不斷的練習。謹記要求男人支持時，不要太冗長，要簡短、直接。練習適切的表達，不可太過冗長。

The hardest part of learning to ask is remembering how to do it. Try using the w words whenever possible. It will take a lot of practice.

To ask a man for support:

I. Be direct.

2. Be brief.

3. Use "would you" or "will you" phrases.

It's best not to be too indirect, too lengthy, or to employ phrases such as "could you" or "can you." Let's look at some examples.

　　

．你可以倒垃圾嗎？
．廚房亂七八糟，早就臭死了，垃圾桶也塞不下東西，早該倒了，你能不能去倒？(說得太長)
Would you empty the trash?"                  

"This kitchen is a mess; it really stinks. I can't fit anything else into the trash bag. It needs to be emp­tied. Could you do it?"            (This is too long and uses could.)

 

．可不可以幫我搬這張桌子？　
．聚會前我必須把這桌子換個位置，可是我搬不動。你能不能幫個忙？(說得太長)
"Would you help me move this table?"                

"I can't move this table. I need to rearrange it before our party tonight. Could you please help?"(This is too long and uses could.)

 

．你可以替我把這個放到別的地方

．我無法把這個放到別的地方。(不嗎？直接)

"Would you please put this away for me?"

"I can't put all of this away."                   (This is an indirect message.)

 

．你可以把車子裏的東西拿進來嗎？

．我有四袋東西在車子裏，我需要那些東西做晚飯，你可以把它們拿進來嗎？(太長、太不直接。)

"Would you bring the groceries in from the car?" 

I have four bags of groceries left in the car. And I need that food to make dinner. Could you bring

them in?"          (This is too long, indirect, and uses could.)

 

．你回家時，可不可以順便買瓶牛奶

．你順便到店裏去，勞瑞需要一瓶牛奶回來？。我無法再回去了，今天真把我累壞了。你去買好不好？(太長，直接)

"Would you pick up a bottle of  milk on your way Home?"    

"You'll be going by the store.      Lauren needs a bottle of milk. I just can't go out again. I am so tired. Today was a bad day. Could            you get it?"        (This is too long. indirect, and uses could. )

 

．你可不可以去學校接茱莉？

．我無法去接茱莉，你有沒有時間？可不可以接她？(太長，太不直接)

“Would you pick up Julie from school?"

Julie needs a ride Home and I      can't pick her up. Do you have time? Do You think you could pick  her up?" (This is too long, indirect, and uses could. )

 

．你今天可以帶咪咪去看獸醫嗎？

．咪咪應該打針了。你想帶它去嗎？(太不直接)

"Would you take Zoey to the vet today?" 

"It's time for Zoey to get her shots. Would you like to take her to the vet?" (This is too indirect.)

 

．你今晚可以帶我們出去吃飯嗎？

．我累得做不動晚飯了。我們很久沒出去吃飯，你要出去嗎？(太長，太不直接)

"Would you take us out to dinner tonight?"                      

"I am too tired to make dinner. We haven't gone out in a long time. Do you want to go out;" (This is too lengthy and indirect.)

 

．你願幫我拉衣服後麵的拉鏈嗎？

．我需要你幫助，可不可以幫我拉拉鏈？(太不直接)

"Would you zip me up?"            

"I need your help. Could you zip me up?" (This is indirect and uses could.)

 

．你今晚可不可以為我們生火？

．今天好冷，你會替我們生火嗎？(太不直接)

“Would you build a fire for us tonight?"              

"It's really cold. Are you going to build a fire?" (This is too indirect.)

 

．你這星期要不要帶我去看電影？

．這星期你要去看電影嗎？(太不直接)

"Would you take me to a movie this week?"

"Do you want to go to a movie this week?"           (This is too indirect.)

 

．你可以幫勞瑞穿鞋嗎？

．勞瑞鞋子還沒穿。我們已經遲到了，我沒辦法做每件事，你可以幫忙嗎？(太長，太不直接)

"Would you help Lauren put on her shoes?"                     

"Lauren still hasn't put on her      shoes! We are late. I can't do this all by myself! Could you help?"   (This is too long, indirect, and uses could. )

 

．你可以現在坐下來和我講講話嗎？

．我不知道出了什麽事，我們太久沒好好談談了，我必須知道你最近在忙什麽。(太長，太不直接)

"Would you sit down with me now or sometime tonight and talk about our schedule?"         

"I have no idea of what's going on.We haven't talked and I need to  know what you are doing.. (This is too long and 'Indirect.)

 

現在，也許你已經注意到，你對男人的要求已不算要求他們會聽成別的意思。我建議你在進行第二步驟之前，至少花三個星期的時間練習得當的問法。

As you have probably noticed by now, what You think has been asking is not asking to Martians‑they hear something else. It takes a conscious effort to make these little but significant changes in the way you ask for support. I suggest practicing at least three months correcting the way you ask for things before moving on to step two. other request statements that work are "Would you please ... ?" and "Would you mind ... ?"

 

開始第一步驟前，先算算自己有多久沒有要求支持。了解你是如何要求的，然後再練習要求他早已給與的，謹記簡短與直接。他完成後，要多多感激他。

Start out in step I by being aware of how many times you don't ask for support. Become aware of how you do ask when you do. With this increased awareness, then practice asking for what he 'S already giving you. Remember to be brief and direct. Then give him lots of appreciation and thanks.

 

要求支持的常見問題

Common ~dons About Asking for Support

 

第一步驟也許很困難，有些女人反對這麽做，以下常見的問題可提供這類女性一些線索。

This first step can be difficult. Here are some common questions, which give clues to both the objections and the resistance that women may have.

 

　　1.問題：女人可能覺得，我不需要他要求我，那麽為何我要要求他？

I. Question. A woman might feel, Why should I have to ask him when I don't require him to ask me?

回答：謹記，男人是從火星來的，他們和女人不同。你必須接受他們的不同才能得到你所要的。你如果試圖改變他們，他們會頑強地反抗。隻要他們感到被愛與被感激，就會不需你要求就提供支持。

Answer: Remember, men are from Mars; they are different. By accepting and working with his differences you will get what you need. If, instead, you try to change him he will stubbornly resist. Although asking for what you want is not second nature to Venusians, you can do it without giving up who you are. When he feels loved and appreciated he will gradually become more willing to offer his support without being asked. That is a later stage.

 

2.問題：女人可能覺得，我做得比他多時，為何我還要感激他？

2. Question. A woman may feel, Why should I appreciate what he does when I am doing more?

回答：火星人沒受到感激就會給得少。如果你要他多給與，你就必須多感激他。男人因感激而受鼓舞。當然，你付出多時，必然很難向他表示感激，可是你隻要減少付出，就可以給他多一點感激。想要做這種改變，你必須讓他感受到你的愛，也必須讓自己得到應有的支持。

Answer: Martians give less when they do not feel appreciated. If you want him to give more, then what he needs is more appreciation. Men are motivated by appreciation. If you are giving more it may, of course, be hard to appreciate him. Gracefully begin to give

less so that you can appreciate him more By making this change, not only are you supporting him in feeling loved, but you will also get the support you need and deserve.

 

3.問題：女人可能覺得，如果必須向他要求支持，他可能以為是在給我恩惠。

3. Question. A woman may feel, If I have to ask him for support, he may think he is doing me a favor.

回答：這是他應有的感覺。愛的禮物就是恩惠。男人一旦覺得他在施舍恩惠，他就會死心塌地的給與。謹記，他是火星人，記分法和你不同。如果他覺得他必須擔負給與的義務，他的心就會關閉，減少給與。

Answer: This is how he should feel. A gift of love Is a favor. When a man feels he is doing you a favor, lie is then giving from his heart. Remember, he's a Martian and doesn't keep score the way you do. If he feels that you are telling him he is obligated to give, his heart closes and he gives less.

 

4.問題：女人可能覺得，如果他愛我，他應該、主動提供支持，我不必要求。

4. Question. A woman may feel, If he loves me he should just offer his support, I shouldn't have to ask.

回答：謹記男人從火星來，他們不同。男人一直等待被要求。換個角度看，如果他是金星人，他就會主動提供支持，但他不是，他是火星人。你如能接受這個事實，他會樂意支持你。

Answer: Remember men are from Mars; they are different. Men wait to be asked. Instead of thinking, If he loves me he will offer his support, consider this thought, If he were a Venusian he would offer his support, but he's not, he's a Martian. By accepting this difference, he will be much more willing to support you, and gradually he will begin to offer his support.

 

5.問題：女人可能覺得，如果我要求，他一定認為他做的事比我多，我害怕他可能以為不必給我更多了。

5. Question. A woman may feel, If I have to ask for things he will think I am not giving as much as he is. I am afraid‑he may feel like he doesn't have to give me more!

回答：雖然他不必給與，但他還是大方的。當他聽到女人的要求時，他也同時聽到女人認為他有資格支持她。他不但不會以為她給得少，反而以為她必是給得多，才會開口要求。

Answer: A man is more generous when he feels as though he doesn't have to give. In addition, when a man hears a woman asking for support (in a respectful way), whit he also hears is that she feels entitled to that support. He does not assume she has given less. Quite the contrary, he assumes she must be giving more or at least as much as he is, and that is why she feels good about asking.

 

6.問題：女人可能覺得，我要求支持時，必須解釋為何需要他的幫忙，我怕講得太簡短他會不了解，我不想讓我的要求變成一種命令。

6. Question. A woman may feel, When I ask for support, I am afraid to be brief. I want to explain why I need his help. I don't want to appear demanding.

回答：男人聽到配偶向他要求時，他相信她必定是有充分的理由。如果她提出一大串理由說明為何他該滿足她的需求，他會覺得自己好像不能說不，好像被她控製了。

Answer: When a man hears a request from his partner, he trusts she has good reasons for asking. If she gives him a lot of reasons why he should fulfill her request, he feels as though he can't say no, and if he can't say no then he feels manipulated or taken for granted. Let him give you a gift Instead of taking his support for granted.

如果他想多了解，他會主動問理由，這時你才提出理由，但小心別說得太冗長，隻給一個或兩個理由。如果他還需要更多資訊，他會讓你知道。

If he needs to understand more he will ask why. Then it is OK to give reasons. Even when he asks, be careful not to be too lengthy. Give one, or at most, two reasons. If he still needs more information, he'll let you know.

 

步驟二：練習要求更多(即使你知道他可能說不)

STEP 2: PRACTICE ASKING FOR MORE (EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW HE MAY SAY NO)

 

試圖要求男人更多之前，先確定他有感受到你感激他已給與的，再繼續要求他支持，但不要期待他做得比現在做的多，他會覺得被感激或被接受。

Before attempting to ask a man for more, make sure he feels appreciated for what he is already giving. By continuing to ask for his support without expecting him to do more than he has been doing he will feel not only appreciated but also accepted.

 

當他習慣聽你不過分的要求時，他會覺得不需為了得到你的愛而改變自己，因而樂意去加強能力支持你。此時，你可以冒險多要求一點，但不要讓他覺得自己不夠好。

When he is used to hearing you ask for his support without wanting more, he feels loved in your presence. He feels he doesn't have to change to get your love. At this point he will be willing to change and stretch his ability to support you. At this point you can risk asking for more without giving him the message that he is not good enough.

 

這方法的第二步驟是讓他知道，即使他說不，仍能得到你的愛。如果他知道你能接受拒絕，他會比較坦然的說是或不。謹記男人一旦有說不的自由，他們會比較願意說是。

The second step of this process is to let him realize that he can say no and still receive your love. When he feels that he can say no when you ask for more, he will feel free to say yes or no. Keep in mind that men are much more willing to say yes if they have the freedom to say no.

 

　　男人一旦有說不的自由，他們會比較願意說是。

　　

女人必須知道如何要求及如何接受拒絕。女人在要求之前，直覺地以為配偶會給與平等的回應，如果她警覺到他會反抗她的要求，就寧可不要求，她覺得被拒絕了，而他當然不知道發生了什麽事——隻有她知道。

It's important that women learn both how to ask and how to accept no for an answer. Women usually intuitively feet what their partner's response will be even before they ask. If they sense that he will resist their request, they won't even bother asking. Instead, they will feel rejected. He, of course, will have no idea what happened‑‑all this has gone on in her head.

 

在這個步驟，練習不要受他的影響，隨你想要求就要求。即使你感到他在反抗或知道他會說不，也勇往直前要求支持。

In step 2, practice asking for support in all those situations where you would want to ask but don't because you feel his resistance. Go ahead and ask for support even if you sense his resistance; even if you know he will say no.

 

例如，太太可能對正在看電視新聞的先生說：“你可不可以到商店買魚回來做晚餐？”她問時，早就有心理準備他會說不。他可能會很驚訝，因為以前她從不會要求打斷他看電視新聞，他大概會說：“我新聞正看到一半，你能去買嗎？”

For example, a wife might say to her husband, who is focused on watching the news, "Would you go to the grocery store and pick up some salmon for dinner?" When she asks this question, she is already prepared for him to say no. He is probably completely surprised because she has never interrupted him with a request like this before. He will probably make some excuse like "I am right in the middle of watching the news. Can't you do it?"

 

她也許想說：“我當然可以去買，但家裏的事總是我在做，我不要當你的仆人，我需要幫忙！”

She may feel like saying "Sure I could do it. But I am always doing everything around here. I don't like being your servant. I want some help!"

 

你要求時，若覺得會受拒絕，就要先有心理準備他會說不，並且有所準備對他說：“好。”如果你想以男人的方式回應，可以說：“沒問題。”他會聽得很順耳，但隻簡單說“好”也就夠了。

When you ask and sense you will get a rejection, prepare yourself for the no and have a ready answer like "OK." If you want to be really Martian in your response, you could say "no problem"‑that would be music to his ears. A simple "OK" is fine, however.

 

先要求，再對他的“不”表示沒關係，是十分重要的。謹記，你必須讓他對你的拒絕感到安心，但這方法隻用在你真正對他的“不”無所謂時，要確定你不會因他說“不”而不舒服。

It is important to ask and then act as if it is perfectly OK for him to say no. Remember, you're making it safe for him to refuse. Use this approach only for situations that are really OK if he says no. Pick situations where you would appreciate his support but rarely ask for it. Make sure you will feel comfortable if he says no.

 

以下有些例子可以表明我的意思：

These are some examples of what I mean:

 

　　    何時要求　                                                                 　該說什麽

　　．他正在做事，你要他去接小孩。平時          　　．你說：“茱莉剛打電話回來，你要去

　　你不會打擾他，都是你去接孩子。                       　　接她嗎？”如果他說不，你就親切回

答：“好。”

When to ask                                                              What to say

            He is working on something and                          You say "Would you pick up Julie,

            you want him to pick up the kids.                                    she just called?"

            Normally you wouldn't bother                             If he says no, then graciously and

            him, and so you do it yourself.                            simply say "OK."

 

．他通常下班回來都等你做飯，你希望         　　．你說：“你能幫我切馬鈴薯嗎？”或

　　他做飯，但從不要求，你覺得他不願                 　　“你今晚能不能做飯？”如果他說

意做飯。 　                                                                  　不，你就親切回答：“好。”

            He normally comes Home and                                         You say "Would you help me cut

            expects you to make dinner. You                         the potatoes?" or "Would you

            want him to make dinner, but you                                    make dinner tonight?"

            never ask. You sense he resists                             If he says no, then graciously and

            cooking.                                                                        simply say "OK."

 

．他通常吃過晚飯後看電視，而你洗         　　．你說：“你今晚要幫我洗碗嗎？”或

　　碗。你希望他洗碗或至少幫幫忙，                  　　“你要幫我把盤子拿來嗎？”或在適

　　可是從沒要求。你覺得他討厭洗碗。               　　當時機說：“你今晚要洗碗嗎？”如

　　你可能不在意他做了多少，因此仍舊               　　果他說不，你就親切回答：“好。”

洗碗。

            He normally watches TV after din‑                                   You say "Would you help me with

            ner while you wash the dishes.                             the dishes tonight?" or "Would

            You want him to wash them, or at                                    you bring in the plates?" or wait

            least help, but you never ask. You                                    for an easy night and say "Would

            sense he hates doing dishes. May‑                         you do the dishes tonight?"

            be you don't mind it as much as he                                   If he says no then graciously and

            does, so you go ahead and do it.                           simply say "OK. "

 

 

．他要去看電影，你想要去跳舞。通常         　　．你說：“你今晚要帶我去跳舞嗎？我

　　你不會堅持要求跳舞。                                         　　想跟你跳舞。”如果他說不，你就親

切的說：“好。”

            He wants to go to a movie and                             You say "Would you take me

            you want to go dancing. Normally                                   dancing tonight? I love to dance

            you sense his desire to see the                                           with you."

            movie and you don't bother asking                                   If he says no, then graciously and

            to go dancing.                                                                simply say "OK."

 

．你們兩人都累得想上床睡覺了。但明        　　．你說：“你可以把垃圾拿出去嗎？”

　　天一早要收垃圾，你知道他很累，因                　　如果他說不，你就親切的說：“好。”

此不要求他把垃圾拿出去。

            You are both tired and ready to go                                   You say "Would you take the

            to bed. The trash is collected the                          trash out?"

            next morning. You sense how                                          If he says no, then graciously and

            tired he is, so you don't ask him to                                   simply say "OK."

            bring the trash out.

 

．他很忙，時間被一個很重要的計晝占        　　．你說：“你能給我一點時間嗎？”如

　　滿了。他很專心，你不想讓他分心，                　　果他說不，你就親切的說：“好”

但又想和他講話。你通常感受到他的                　　反抗，因而放棄要求他撥時間給你。

            He is very busy and preoccupied                          You say "Would you spend some

            with an important project. You                            time with me?"

            don't want to distract him because                                    If he says no, then graciously and

            you sense how focused he is, but                          simply say "OK."

            you also want to talk with him.

            Normally you would sense his

            resistance and not ask for some time.

 

．他很專心、很忙，但你的車子在店裏        　　．你說：“你今天可不可以載我去拿我

　　修理，你通常認為他很難重新安排時                　　的車？”如果他說不，你就親切的

間，因此沒有要求他載你去拿車。                    　　說：“好。”

            He is focused and busy, but you                           You say "Would you give me a

            need to pick up your car, which                           ride today to pick up my car? It's

            has been in the shop. Normally                            being repaired."

            you anticipate how difficult it                                          If he says no, then graciously

and

            will be for him to rearrange his                            simply say "OK."

            schedule and you don't ask him

            for a ride.

 

 

以上的例子都是練習對他說“不”有心理準備，學習接受和相信他。接受他說不，相信他能力夠時，會提供支持。每次你要求男人支持而他說不時，你沒有讓他覺得他錯了，他就會給你五到十分。下次你要求時，他會比較有反應。你以愛的方式要求他的支持，是在幫助他提高給與的能力。

In each of the above examples, be prepared for him to say no and practice being accepting and trusting. Accept his no and trust that he would offer support if he could. Each time you ask a man for support and he isn't made wrong for saying no, he gives you between five and ten points. Next time you ask he will be more responsive to your request. In a sense, by asking for his support in a loving way, you are helping him stretch his ability to give more.

 

我是在數年前從一名女士那學到這個方式。我們正從事一個非營利的計畫，需要一些義工，她想打電話請我的好朋友湯姆來幫忙，我告訴她不必打，因我知道湯姆此時不可能來幫忙。她說她還是會打，我問為什麽，她說：“我打電話請他支持時，若他說不，我會很親切、很了解。下次我再打給他要求支持另一個計畫時，他會比較願意說好。他對我會有好印象。”她說得對。

I first learned this from a woman employee years ago. We were working on a nonprofit project and needed volunteers. She was about to call Tom, who was a friend of mine. I told her not to bother because I already knew he would not be able to help this tune. She said she would call anyway. I asked her why, and she said, "When I call I will ask for his support, and when he says no I will be very gracious and understanding. Then next time, when I call for a future project, he will be more willing to say yes. He will have a positive memory of me." She was right.

　　

當你要求男人支持，不因他說不而拒絕他時，他會記得，下次就會比較願意支持你。相反的，如果你犧牲你的需要，沒有要求，他也不知道你需要他做什麽。你不要求，他如何會知道呢？

When you ask a man for support and you do not reject him for saying no, he will remember that, and next time he will be much more willing to give. On the other hand, if you quietly sacrifice your needs and don't ask, he won't have any idea how many times he is needed. How could he know if you don't ask?

 

　　當你要求男人支持，不因他說不而拒絕他時，他會記得，下次就會比較願意支持你。

　　

當你逐漸要求更多，你的配偶偶爾會心甘情願說好，此時，向他要求是安全的，這是建立健全關係的方法之一

As you gently continue to ask for more, occasionally your partner will be able to stretch his comfort zone and say yes. At this point it has become safe to ask for more. This is one way healthy relationships are built.

 

 

培養健全的關係

healthy relationships

 

配偶雙方有權要求所需，也有權說不，這種關係就是健全的。

A relationship is healthy when both partners have permission to ask for what they want and need, and they both have permission to say no if they choose.

 

例如，我記得我女兒五歲時，有一次我和一位家裏的客人站在廚房裏。她要求我把她舉起來，讓她玩些把戲，我說：“不，今天不行，我很累了。”

For example, I remember standing in the kitchen with a family friend one day when our daughter Lauren was five years old. She asked me to lift her up and do tricks, and I said, "No, I can't today. I am real tired."

 

她堅持，頑皮的說：“拜托，爹地，拜托，隻舉一下。”

She persisted, asking playfully, "Please, Daddy, please, Daddy, just one flip."

 

客人說：“你父親累了，他今天工作過度，你不應該要求。”

The friend said, "Now, Lauren, your father is tired. He has worked hard today. You shouldn't ask."

 

她馬上回答說：“我隻是問問。”

Lauren. immediately responded by saying, "I am just asking!"

 

　　客人說：“但你父親愛你，無法對你說不。”

(事實是，如果他不能說不，是他的問題而不是她的。)

"But you know your father loves you," my friend said. "He can't say no to you."

(The truth is, if he can't say no, that's his problem, not hers.)

 

我太太和三名女兒馬上齊聲說：“哦，他可以說不！”

Immediately my wife and all three daughters said, "Oh yes he can!"

 

我為我的家人感到驕傲。雖然這種關係的建立花了不少時間，但我們都學習了解要求支持與接受“不”。

I was proud of my family. It has taken a lot of work, but gradually we have learned to ask for support and also to accept no.

 

 

步驟三：練習確定的要求

STEP 3: PRACTICE ASSERTIVE ASKING

 

若你已能親切地接受“不”，你就已做好步驟三的準備了。本步驟是幫助你確定你所有的力量獲取所需。你要求他的支持，若他仍反抗你的要求，你不要說“好”，你要練習接受他的反抗，但繼續等到他說是。

Once you have practiced step 2 and you can graciously accept a no, you are ready for step 3. In this step you assert your full power to get what you want. You ask for his support, and if he starts making excuses and resists your request, you don't say "OK" as in step 2. Instead you practice making it OK that he resists but continue waiting for him to say yes.

 

讓我們假設他正要上床，你要求他：“你可不可以去商店買些牛奶！”他回答說：“我很累，我要睡覺。”此時，什麽都不要說，站在那裏，接受他反抗你的要求。不要拒絕他的反抗，反而他會更有可能答應。

Let's say he is on his way to bed, and you ask him. "Would you reply with "I made you dinner, I washed the dishes, I got the kids ready for bed, and all you did was plant yourself on this couch! I don't ask for much, but at least you could help now. I am *so exhausted. I feel like I do everything around here."

 

　　確定要求的藝術是，要求後保持沉默。要求後，期待他呻吟、歎息、皺眉、咆哮、嘀咕、抱怨。女人通常誤解男人的抱怨，誤以為那是他不願滿足她的需求的方式，事實並非如此，他抱怨表示他正在考慮她的要求。如果他不考慮她的要求，他會平靜的說不。男人抱怨是個好訊息表示他在試圖考慮你的要求。

The art of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have made a request. After you have asked, expect him to moan, groan, scowl, growl, mumble, and grumble. A woman will generally misinterpret a man's grumbles. She mistakenly assumes that he is unwilling to fulfill her request. This is not the case. His grumbles are a sign that he is in the process of considering her request. If he was not considering her request then he would very calmly say no. When a man grumbles it is a good sign‑‑‑he is trying to consider your request versus his needs.

 

男人抱怨是個好訊息——表示他在試圖考慮你的要求。

 

爭論開始了。但你若知他抱怨歸抱怨，心裏已準備答應你，你就會以沉默反應。你的沉默表示你相信他正在斟酌答應你。

The argument starts. On the other hand, if you know that grumbles are just grumbles and are often his way of starting to say yes, your response will be silence. Your silence is a signal that you trust that he Is stretching Inside and about to say yes.

 

他會因考慮你的要求而改變內在反抗的方向。他的抱怨就像打開生鏽的鉸煉必會發生一些摩擦聲，但一旦打開，摩擦聲就消失了。

He will go through internal resistance at shifting his direction from what he's focusing on to your request. Like opening a door with rusty hinges, the man will make unusual noises. By ignoring his grumbles they quickly go away.

 

有時，男人抱怨是因他正想答應你的要求。女人因不了解他這種反應，而避免要求他支持，或以為他是針對你而發，因此也會以拒絕反擊。

Often when a man grumbles he is in the process of saying yes to your request. Because most women misunderstand this reaction, they either avoid asking him for support or they take it personally and reject him in return.

 

前麵提到的例子，他正要上床，你要他去商店買牛奶，他或許會抱怨。

In our example, where he is headed for bed and you ask him to 90 to the store for milk, he is likely to grumble.

 

他看起來很困擾，說：“我累了，我想睡覺。”

.I'm tired," he says with an annoyed look. "I want to go to bed."

 

如果你把他的反應誤解為拒絕，你可能會回答：“我為你做晚餐、洗碗盤、哄孩子睡覺，你卻隻躺在沙發上！我不要求太多，但你現在至少要幫一點忙，我太累了，我覺得全家似乎隻有我一個人在做事。”

If you misunderstand his response as a rejection, you might

• "I don't ask you for much."

• "It will only take you fifteen minutes.,,

• "I feel disappointed. This really hurts my feelings.

• "You mean you won't do this for me."

• "Why can't you do it?"

 

 

讓男人答應你的秘訣

Programming a Man to Say Yes

 

某次，我正想上床睡覺，我太太要求我到商店買牛奶時，我開始思索如何讓男人答應這個問題。我記得那天我大聲抱怨，她沒有與我爭論，隻是安靜聽著，以為我終會去做。最後我去買了，但上車時重重地關上車門。

I first became conscious of this process when my wife asked me to buy some milk at the store when I was on my way to bed. I remember grumbling out loud. Instead of arguing with me, she just listened, assuming that eventually I would do it. Then finally I made a few banging noises on my way out, got in my car, and went to the store.

 

但當我與新目標——牛奶接近時，抱怨不見了。我感受到我對太太的愛與支持，我覺得自己真是個好男人。相信我，我喜歡那種感覺。

Then something happened, something that happens to all men, something that women don't know about. As I now moved closer to my new goal, the milk, my grumbles went away. I started feeling my love for my wife and my willingness to support. I started feeling like the good guy. Believe me, I liked that feeling.

 

我在商店買到牛奶時很高興，當我拿到牛奶瓶時，我完成了我的新目標。成就令男人舒服。我頑皮地將瓶子拿在右手中，看著瓶子說：“嗨，看看我，我為太太買了牛奶，我是大方的男人，真是好家夥。”

By the time I was in the store, I was happy to be getting the milk. When my hand reached the bottle, I had achieved my new goal. Achievement always makes men feel good. I playfully picked up the bottle In my right hand and turned around with a look of pride that said "Hey. look at me. I'm getting the milk for my wife. I go to the store and get some milk." 

 

我把牛奶拿回家時，她高興地擁抱我，說：“真謝謝你，我很高興不必換衣服出去買。”如果她忽略我，也許我會氣她，下次她再叫我買，我可能更加抱怨。但她沒忽略我，她給我許多愛。

When I returned with the milk, she was happy to see me. She gave me a big hug and said, "Thank you so much. I'm so glad I didn't have to get dressed." If she had ignored me, I probably would have resented her. Next time she asked me to buy the milk I would have probably grumbled even more. But she didn't ignore me, she gave me lots of love.

 

我看見自己的反應，聽見自己的聲音說，我太太多好呀！第二次她又要我去買，我仍舊抱怨，她也仍舊感激我。

I watched my reaction and heard myself think, What a wonderful wife I have. Even after I was so resistant and grumbly she is still appreciating me.

 

第三次她要求我買時，我比較不抱怨了，回來時，她又感激我，這次我主動說：“應該的。”

The next time she asked me to buy the milk, I grumbled less. When I returned she was again appreciative. The third time, automatically I said, "Sure."

 

一周後，她不再叫我買牛奶了，她說她已買了，令我驚訝的是，我竟然有點失望！我要買牛奶。她的愛使我樂意買牛奶。不管她何時要我買牛奶，我都會很高興答應。

Then a week later, I noticed that she was low on milk. I offered to get it. She said she was already going to the store. To my surprise a part of me was disappointed! I wanted to get the milk. Her love had programmed me to say yes. Even to this day whenever she asks me to go to the store and get milk a part of me happily says yes.

 

我個人經曆了這種內在轉變。她接受我的抱怨和感激我的態度，使我較能回應她的要求。

I personally experienced this inner transformation. Her acceptance of my grumbles and appreciation of me when I returned healed my resistance. From that time on, as she practiced assertive asking, it was much easier for me to respond to her requests.

 

Instead of immediately letting him off the hook by saying "OK," say nothing. Stand there and accept that he is resisting your request. By not resisting his resistance there is a much greater chance he will say yes.

 

有目的的沉默

 

確定的要求，關鍵之一是要求後保持沉默。讓你的配偶克服他的反抗，不要否定他的抱怨。你停頓保持沉默就有可能得到他的支持。若你沈不住氣，你就失去力量了。

One of the key elements of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have asked for support. Allow your partner to work through their resistance. Be careful not to disapprove of his grumbles. As long as you pause and remain silent, you have the possibility of getring his support. If you break the silence you lose your power.

 

女人常因說下麵這些話而不知不覺間打破沉默，失去力量：

Women unknowingly break the silence and lose their power by making comments like:

 

．哦，忘記我說的吧！

* "Oh, forget it."

．我不能相信你會說不，我為你做了這麽多事。

* "I can't believe you are saying no. I do so much for you."

　　．我不會要求你更多了。

　　．我隻要花你十五分鍾。

　　．太令人傷心了，我很失望。

　　．你的意思是不肯幫我忙？

．你為什麽不能做？

 

他抱怨時，她為了防禦自己的要求，會錯誤地打破沉默。她企圖說服他應該答應她的要求。但不管他答應或不答應，下次她再要求幫忙時，他會更加反抗。

 

確定的要求，關鍵之一是要求後保持沉默。

 

問問題，然後停頓，給他機會滿足你的需求。讓他喃喃抱怨，你隻消聽，他終會答應的。不要誤以為他在以抱怨反對你，隻要你不和他爭論，他就不會反對你。

 

有時他可能不會答應，或問你一些問題以免去做事。小、心，你停頓時，他可能會問：

 

　　．你為什麽不能做？

　　．我真的沒時間，你可以做嗎？

．我很忙，沒有空，你在做什麽？

 

　　有時，這隻是習慣性的問題，你可保持沉默，不要說話，除非他真的要你回答。如果他要你回答，隻簡短地給一個，然後再要求。確定的要求意指有自信和相信他在能力範圍內會支持你。以下為一些例子：

　　他如何反抗她的要求                                       　　她如何以確定的要求回應

　　“我沒有時間，你能不能做？”               　　“我也很忙，請你做好嗎？”然後再度

　　保持沉默。“我不要做這件事。”           　　“你如果做，我會很感激你。你能為我做嗎？”然後再度保持沉默。

 

“我很忙，你在做什麽？”                      　　“我也很忙，你能不能做？”然後再度保持沉默。

“我覺得我不喜歡做。”                          　　“我也不喜歡，你能做嗎？”然後再度保持沉默。

 

注意，她不再試圖說服他，但卻抵禦他的反抗。如果他累了，不要證明你比他更累，所以他該幫助你；若他真的很忙，不要試圖說服你比他更忙。避免找理由認定他該做。謹記，你隻是要求而不是命令。

Notice that she is not trying to convince him but Is simply, matching his resistance. If he is tired, don't try to prove tha t you are more tired and therefore he should help you. Or if he thinks he Is too busy don't try to convince him that you are more busy. Avoid giving him reasons why he should do it. Remember, you are just asking and not demanding.

 

如果他還是反抗，就回到第二步驟，親切地接受他的拒絕，不要在此時表示失望，若隨著他的意，他會記得你對他的愛，下次就會比較樂意支持你。

If he continues to resist then. practice step two and graciously accept his rejection. This is not the time to share how disappointed you are. Be assured that if you can let go at this time, he will remember how loving you were and be more willing to support you next time.

 

若你能照步驟做，你會經驗到要求與獲取支持的成功滋味。你在練習第三步驟的停頓時，也需繼續步驟一和步驟二。得當的要求小事情和親切地接受他的拒絕一樣重要。

As you progress you will experience greater success 'm asking for and getting his support. Even if you are practicing the pregnant pause of step three, it is still necessary to continue practicing steps one and two. It is always important that you continue to ask correctly for the little things as well as graciously accept his rejections.

 

 

為何男人對要求十分敏感

WHY MEN ARE SO SENSITIVE

 

你可能會自問，為何男人對於他人的要求支持會這麽敏感，這不是因男人懶惰，而是因男人非常需要被接受。任何超出的要求，他都認為是因為他現在的樣子沒有被接受。

You may be asking yourself why men are so sensitive about being asked for support. It is not because men are lazy but because men have so much need to feel accepted. Any request to be more or to give more might instead give the message that he is not accepted just the way he is.

 

正如女人分享感覺時，對別人的傾聽與了解十分敏感一般，男人對女人接受他現在的樣子也十分敏感，任何改進他的企圖，他都會認為是他不夠好，你才企圖改變他。

Just as a woman is more sensitive about being heard and feeling understood when she is sharing her feelings, a man is more sensitive about being accepted just the way he is. Any attempt to improve him makes him feel as though you are trying to change him because he is not good enough.

 

火星的標語是：“除非壞了，否則不要修理。”男人一感到女人要求更多並試圖改變他時，他得到的訊息就是她認為他壞了，他自然覺得你不愛他現在的樣子。

On Mars, the motto is "Don't fix it unless it is broken." When a man feels a woman wanting more, and that she is trying to change him, he receives the message that she feels he is broken; naturally he doesn't feel loved just the way he is.

 

學習要求的藝術之後，你的婚姻關係會更堅固。你愈能收到你需要的愛與支持，你的配偶也會愈高興。男人最快樂的時候就是滿足了他們關心的人。學習得當的要求支持，不但幫助你的男人更感到被愛，也使你得到你應得與需要的愛。

By learning the art of asking for support, your relationships Will gradually become greatly enriched. As you are able to receive more of the love and support you need, your partner will also naturally be quite happy. Men are happiest when they feel they have succeeded in fulfilling the people they care about. By learning to ask correctly for support you not only help your man feel more loved but also ensure you'll get the love