心鏡鏡心
詩書磨心鏡, 鏡心明詩書
第十一章 嚐試溝通困難的感覺
當我們難過、失望、沮喪或生氣時，就很難以愛的方式溝通。消極的情感一出現，我們就會傾向立刻失去信任、關心、了解、接受、感激、尊重等愛的感覺，此時，即使出發點很好，談話也會變成吵架，在這充滿火藥味的時刻，我們忘了如何以對雙方都有效的方式溝通。
When we are upset, disappointed, frustrated, or angry it is difficult to communicate lovingly. When negative emotions come up, we tend momentarily to lose our loving feelings of trust, caring, understanding, acceptance, appreciation, and respect. At such times, even with the best intentions, talking turns into fighting. In the heat of the moment, we do not remember how to communicate in a way that works for our partner or for us.
遇上這種情況時，女人會在不知不覺間傾向責罵男人，使他為他的行為感到內疚，女人假設了最壞的情況，口氣像批評和氣憤，而無視於配偶已盡力而為了。當她的消極感覺波動時，更難以信任、接受、感激的方式說話，她不知道她的態度對她的配偶造成多大的傷害。
At times like these, women unknowingly tend to blame men and make them feel guilty for their actions. Instead of remembering that her partner is doing the best he can, a woman could assume the worst and sound critical and resentful. When she feels a surge of negative feelings, it is especially difficult for a woman to speak in a trusting, accepting, and appreciative way. She doesn't realize how negative and hurtful her attitude is to her partner.
男人難過時，傾向責難女人和她的感覺，當他消極感覺波動時，很難以關心、了解、尊重的方式說話，同樣的他也不知道他的消極態度對她傷害有多深。
When men become upset, they tend to become judgmental of women and women's feelings. Instead of remembering that his partner is vulnerable and sensitive, a man may forget her needs and sound mean and uncaring. When he feels a surge of negative feelings, it is especially difficult for him to speak in a caring, understand ing, and respectful way. He doesn't realize how hurtful his negative attitude is to her.
說話有時是沒有效果的，幸好有另一種替代方式以寫信給另一半代替口頭上與之分享感覺。寫信可使你聽聽自己的感覺，不必擔心會傷害另一半。透過自由的表達和傾聽自己的感覺，你自然能把自己調整得更具愛心。男人寫信會變得更關心、了解和尊重；女人寫信則會變得更信任、接受和感激。
These are the times when talking does not work. Fortunately, there is another alternative. Instead of verbally sharing your feelings with your partner, write him or her a letter. writing letters allows you to listen to your own feelings without worrying about hurting your partner. By freely expressing and listening to your own feelings, you automatically become more centered and loving. As men write letters they become more caring, understanding, and respectful; as women write letters they become more trusting, accepting, and appreciative.
寫出你的消極感覺是測知自己聲音多不具愛心的好方法，也可以減輕消極情感的強度，給積極感覺更多複活的空間。調整自己之後，你可以更具愛心的方式和另一半說話一個較少責難或批評的方式。如此，你被了解和被接受的機會將大大提升。
Writing out your negative feelings is an excellent way to become aware of how unloving you may sound. With this greater awareness you can adjust your approach. In addition, by writing out your negative emotions their intensity can be released, making room for positive feelings to be felt again. Having become more centered, you can then go to your partner and speak to him or her in a more loving way‑a way that is less judgmental or blaming. As a result, your chances of being understood and accepted are much greater.
寫了信後，你可能覺得不需要再談話了，你可以更願意為對方做些事。不管你寫信是要分享感覺或隻是要讓自己好過一點，最重要的是，誠實寫下感覺。不管你寫信是要分享感覺或隻是讓自己好過一點，最重要的是，誠實寫下感覺。
After writing your letter you may no longer feel a need to talk. Instead you could become inspired to do something loving for your partner. Whether you share the feelings in your letter or you just write a letter to feel better, writing down your feelings is an important tool.
你也可以在心裏使用同樣的方法。談話時先抑製自己的情緒，過後在心中回想發生的事，運用你的想像力想像你正在說你的感覺、想法和需求——不要用任何方式矯飾你自己。經由持續的內在對話表達內在最真實的感覺，你會突然擺脫消極的控製。不管你是寫下自己的感覺或在心裏做對話，你的消極感覺都會變弱，積極感覺會再度出現。情書技巧大大增加了這個過程的力量和效率。寫情書的技巧也可隻運用在心靈的對話上。
Instead of writing down your feelings you may also choose to do the same process in your mind. Simply refrain from talking and review what happened in your mind. In your imagination imagine You are saying what you feel, think, and want‑without editing yourself in any way. By carrying on an inner dialogue expressing the complete truth about your inner feelings, you will suddenly become free from their negative grip. Whether you write down your feelings or do it mentally, by exploring, feeling, and expressing your negative feelings they loose their power and positive feelings reemerge. The Love Letter Technique increases the power and effectiveness of this process tremendously. Although it is a writing technique, it can also be done mentally as well.
THE LOVE LETTER TECHNIQUE
情書技巧減輕消極感覺，以愛溝通的最好方式是使用情書技巧。以特殊的方式寫出感覺會自動減少負麵情感，增加積極的感覺。情書技巧提升了寫信流程，以下是情書技巧的三部分。
One of the best ways to release negativity and then communicate in a more loving fashion is to use the Love Letter Technique. Through writing out your feelings in a particular manner, the negative emotions automatically lessen and the positive feelings increase. The Love Letter Technique enhances the letter writing process. There are three aspects or parts to the Love Letter Technique.
一、寫一封表達你的氣憤、傷心、害怕、後悔和愛的感覺的情書。
二、寫一封表達你想聽聽另一半說什麽的回應信。
三、和另一半分享你的情書和回應信。
I. Write a Love Letter expressing your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and love.
2. Write a Response Utter expressing what you want to hear from your partner.
3. Share your Love Letter and Response Letter with your partner.
情書技巧很有彈性。你可以選擇以上三部分或其中一部分，例如為了更能調整自己、更具愛心，然後心平氣和對另一半說話，你可以練習第一部分和第二部分。
The Love Letter Technique is quite flexible. You may choose to do all three steps, or you may only need to do one or two of them. For example, you might practice steps one and two in order to feel more centered and loving and then have a verbal conversation with your partner without being overwhelmed with resentment or blame. At other times you may choose to do all three steps and share your Love Letter and Response Letter with your partner.
三部分都做，對你們兩人則是有治療力量的經驗，但有時會顯得太耗時間或不適當。有些情況下，最有力的技巧是第一部分，讓我們探討該如何寫情書。
To do all three steps is a powerful and healing experience for both of you. However sometimes doing all three steps is too time consuming or inappropriate. In some situations, the most powerful
technique is to do just step one and write a Love Letter. Let's explore a few examples of how to write a Love Letter.
步驟一:寫情書
STEP I: writing A LOVE LETTER
找個安靜的地方寫封情書，每封情書都表達你的憤怒、悲傷、恐懼、後悔與愛的感覺。這個方法使你能夠充分表達和了解你所有的感覺，以致能夠以更有愛心的方式與對方溝通。
To write a Love Letter, find a private spot and write a letter to your partner. In each Love Letter express your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret, and then love. This format allows you fully to express and understand all your feelings. As a result of understanding all your feelings you will then be able to communicate to your partner in a more loving and centered way.
難過時通常會有許多感覺，例如，配偶令你失望時，你可能氣他不夠敏感，氣她不知感激；傷心他隻有工作沒有你，傷心她不信任你；害怕她不再原諒你，害怕他不像你那樣懂得關心。但同時你又愛你的配偶，希望得到配偶的愛與注意。
When we are upset we generally have many feelings at once. For example, when your partner disappoints you, you may feel angry that he is being insensitive, angry that she is being unappreciative; sad that he is so preoccupied with his work, sad that she doesn't seem to trust you; afraid that she will never forgive you, afraid that he doesn't care as much about you; sorry that you are secretly withholding your love from him or her. But at the same time you love that he or she is your partner and you want his or her love and attention.
我們通常需要先感受到消極的感覺才能發現愛的感覺，表達了四個層次的消極感覺後(氣憤、傷心、害怕、後悔)，我們才能真正感受和表達愛的感覺。寫情書可自然減少消極感覺，使我們能更完全地經驗積極的感覺。寫情書的基本指導原則如下：
To find our loving feelings, many times we need first to feel all our negative feelings. After expressing these four levels of negative feelings (anger, sadness, fear, and regret), we can fully feel and express our loving feelings. writing Love Letters automatically lessens the intensity of our negative feelings and allows us to experience more fully our positive feelings. Here are some guidelines for writing a basic Love Letter:
1.讀情書給另一半聽，假設他正以愛和了解聽你讀信。
2.每封信包括五種感覺，先是氣憤，再來是傷心、害怕、後悔，最後是愛。
3.用一些簡單明了的句子描述每種感覺，保持五種感覺的句子長度相等。
4.每寫完一種感覺，停一下，讓下一個感覺湧上，然後寫下那感覺。
5.愛的感覺沒出來以前不要停止寫信，耐心地等待愛出現。
6.在信末署名。再想想你需要什麽，寫入附注。
I. Address the letter to your partner. Pretend that he or she is listening to you with love and understanding.
2. Start with anger, then sadness, then fear, then regret, and then love. Include all five sections in each letter.
3. Write a few sentences about each feeling; keep each section approximately the same length. Speak in simple terms.
4. After each section, pause and notice the next feeling coming up. Write about that feeling.
5. Do not stop your letter until you get to the love. Be patient and wait for the love to come out.
6. Sign your name at the end. Take a few moments to think about what you need or want. Write it in a P.S.
為了簡化你的信，也許你希望以下麵所列的模式來當作寫情書的指導：
To simplify writing your letters you may wish to make copies of page 2II to use as a guide in writing your own Love Letters.
In each of the five sections a few helpful lead‑in phrases are included to help you express your feelings. You may use just a few of these phrases or all of them. Generally the most releasing expressions are: I am angry," "I am sad," I am afraid," "I am sorry," "I want," and "I love." However, any phrases that assist you in expressing your feelings will work. It usually takes about twenty minutes to complete a Love Letter.
A Love Letter
親愛的——
Dear Date
我寫這封信與你分享我的感覺。
I am writing this letter to share my feelings with you.
1.表達氣憤
．我不喜歡……
．我覺得沮喪……
．我氣……．我覺得困擾……
．我要……
I. For Anger
I Don't like it...
• I feel frustrated ...
• I am angry that ...
• I feel annoyed ...
* I want...
2.表達傷心
．我感到失望…………
．令我傷心
．我覺得受到傷害……
．我要……
2. For Sadness
I feel di Isa p po i nted...
* I am sad that...
* I feel hurt ...
* I wanted ...
* I want...
3.表達害怕
．我煩惱……
．我害怕……
．我惶恐……
．我不要……
．我要……
3. For Fear
I worried...
* I am afraid ...
* I feel scared ...
* I do not want...
* I need ...
* I want ...
4.表達後悔
．我感到害羞……
．我很抱歉……
．…
．令我羞愧
．我不要……
．我要……
4. For Regret
I Feel embarrassed...
I am sorry...
I feel ashamed ...
I didn't want ...
I want...
5.表達愛
．我愛……
．我要……
．我了解……
．我原諒……
．我感激……
．我謝謝你……
．我知道……
5. For Love
I Love
I want...
I understand ...
I forgive...
I appreciate ...
I thank you for...
I know...
附注：我希望能聽到你的反應。以下有一些典型的情況和簡短的情書，可幫助你了解這個技巧。
P.S. The response I would like to hear from you:
Here are some typical situations and some sample Love Letters that will help you understand the technique.
與健忘有關的情書
A Love Letter About Forgetfulness
湯姆打盹過了頭,忘記帶女兒去看牙醫，他的太太愛莎十分生氣，但她不願意直接以憤怒和否定麵對湯姆，接著她坐下來寫情書。之後，她能以更接受的方式親近湯姆。
Samantha, was furious. Instead of confronting Tom with her anger and disapproval, however, she sat down and wrote the following Love Letter. Afterward she was able to approach Tom in a more centered and accepting way.
愛莎因寫了這封信而不覺得需要教訓或拒絕她丈夫。他們那晚沒有爭論，反而享受了一個愉快的夜晚。下一個星期，湯姆帶女兒去看牙醫了。
When Tom napped longer than he'd planned and forgot to take his daughter Hayley to the dentist, his wife,
Because she wrote this letter, Samantha did not feel an urge to lecture or reject her husband. Instead of having an argument they enjoyed a loving evening. The next week Tom made sure Hayley got to the dentist.
This is Samantha's Love Letter:
這是愛莎的情書：
親愛的湯姆：
Dear Tom,
1.氣憤：我很氣你忘了，氣你睡過頭。我恨你每次一打盹就把什麽都忘了。我不願再覺得這件事都是我的責任。你期待我做每一件事，我累了。
I. Anger.. I am furious that you forgot. I am angry that you overslept. I hate it when you take naps and forget everything. I am tired of feeling responsible for everything. You expect me to do everything. I am tired of this.
2.傷心：女兒錯過了看牙醫的時間使我傷心，你的健忘也讓我傷心。我傷心我似乎不能倚賴你，我傷心你把精神都放在工作上，拖著疲憊的身子回家，隻留給我一點點時間。你看到我時冷冷淡淡的，讓我覺得受到傷害，你的健忘也傷害了我，好像你一點也不在乎我。
2. Sad~ I am sad that Hayley missed ber appointment. I am sad that you forgot. I am sad because I feel like I can't rely on you. I am sad that you have to work so hard. I am sad that you are so tired. I am sad that you have less time for me. I feel hurt when you are not excited to see me. I feel hurt when you forget things. I feel like you don't c‑are.
3.害怕：我害怕我必須做每一件事，我害怕信任你，我害怕你不在乎我，我害怕又要負起責任。我不要什麽事都做，我需要你的幫忙，我害怕你不負責任，害怕你工作過度，害怕你勞累生病。
3. Fear.. I am afraid I have to do everything. I am afraid to trust you. I am afraid that you don't care. I am afraid I will have to be responsible next time. I don't want to do everything. I need your help. I am afraid to need you. I am afraid you will never be responsible. I am afraid you are working too hard. I am afraid you may get sick.
4.後悔：你與醫生失約令我不好意思，你遲到也令我很為難。我很抱歉凡事要求你，抱歉沒有接受你，羞愧沒有更愛你。我不要拒絕你。
4. Regret.. I feel embarrassed when you miss appointments. I feel embarrassed when you are late. I am sorry that I am so demanding. I am sorry that I am not more accepting. I feel ashamed that I am not more loving. I don't want to reject you.
5.愛：我愛你，我了解你很累，也知道你在盡力而為，我原諒你的健忘。謝謝你和醫生再的時間，謝謝你願意帶女兒去看牙醫。我知道你關心我們，我知道你愛我。我人生中有你實在很幸運，我想要和你共度有愛的夜晚。
5. Love. I love you. I understand that you were tired. You work so hard. I know you are doing your best. I forgive you for forgetting. Thank you for making another appointment. Thank you for wanting to take Hayley to the dentist. I know you really do care. I know you love me. I feel so lucky to have you in my life. I want to have a loving evening with you.
愛你的愛莎
Love, Samantha
注：我想聽到你說願意下星期帶女兒去看牙醫。
P.S. I need to hear that you will be responsible to take Hayley next week to the dentist.
與冷漠有關的情書
A Love Letter About Indifference
吉米隔天早上就要出差旅行，當晚，他太太維亞想和他親熱點。她拿了一個芒果到臥室給他吃，他正躺在床上看書，簡單地告訴她他不餓。維亞覺得受到拒絕，她走開，雖然內心受到傷害並且生氣，但她沒有回來抱怨他的無禮與遲鈍，她坐下來寫情書。
Jim was leaving the next morning for a Business trip. That evening, his wife, Virginia, attempted to create some intimacy. She brought a mango into their bedroom and offered him some. Jim was preoccupied reading a book in bed and briefly commented that he wasn't hungry. Virginia felt rejected and left. Inside she was hurt and angry. Instead of coming back and complaining about his rudeness and insensitivity, she wrote a Love Letter.
寫完情書後，她覺得比較能接受與給與。她回到臥室說：“你明天就要離開了，我們今晚應好好相處。”吉米放下書，他們有了一個親密、愉快的夜晚。寫情書幫助維亞產生力量直接得到配偶的注意。她甚至不需拿情書給配偶看。
After writing this letter, Virginia, feeling more accepting and for giving, went back into the bedroom and said, "This is our last night before you leave, let's spend some special time together." Jim put down his book and they had a delightful, intimate evening. writing a Love Letter gave Virginia the strength and love to persist more directly in getting her partner's attention. She did not even need to share her Love Letter with her partner.
這是她的信：
This is her letter:
親愛的吉米：
Dear Jim,
1.氣憤：明天你就要出差，今晚你卻一直在看書，使我十分難過。我氣你忽視我，氣你此時不想與我共度。在你眼中，有些事總比我重要。我要知道你愛我。
I. Anger I am frustrated that you want to read a book and this is our last evening together before you leave. I am angry that you ignore me. I am angry that you do not want to spend this time with me. I am angry that we don't spend more time together. There is always something more important than me. I want to feel you love me.
2.傷心：我傷心你不願與我在一起，我傷心你對工作過度賣力，我傷心你老是這麽忙碌，我傷心你不願和我說話。你的不關心傷害了我，我似乎可有可無。
2. Sad~. I am sad that you don't want to be with me. I am sad that you work so hard. I feel like you wouldn't even notice if I wasn't here. I am sad that you are always so busy. I am sad that you don't want to talk with me. I feel hurt that you do not care. I don't feel special.
3.害怕：我害怕你不知道我為何難過，害怕你不在乎我，害怕與你分享我的感覺，害怕你會拒絕我，害怕我們愈來愈疏離，而我無力挽回。我害怕自已成為乏味的人，害怕你不喜歡我。
3. Fear.. I am afraid you don't even know why I am upset. I am afraid you don't care. I am afraid of sharing my feelings with you. I am afraid you will reject me. I am afraid we are drifting further apart. I am scared that I can't do anything about it. I am afraid that I am boring to you. I am afraid that you don't like me.
4.後悔：我硬要與你共處使我難為情，我也為自已的難過感到很糗。請原諒我講話帶命令口吻，原諒我沒有更有愛心與包容力。很抱歉你不想與我在一起時，我冷漠的態度。很抱歉我沒給你另一個機會，很抱歉我停止了對你的愛與信任。
4. Regret I feel so embarrassed wanting to spend time with you when you don't even care. I feel embarrassed getting so upset. I am sorry if this sounds demanding. I am sorry that I am not more loving and accepting. I am sorry that I was cold when you didn't want to spend time with me. I am sorry that I didn't give you another chance. I am. sorry that I stop trusting your love.
5.愛：我愛你，所以才會買芒果討你高興。我想多花時間和你在一起，我要有個別致的夜晚。我原諒你對我的冷漠，原諒你沒有立即回應我。我了解你正沉醉在閱讀中。讓我們有個親密的夜晚好嗎？
5. Love.. I do love you. That's why I brought the mango. I wanted to do something to please you. I wanted to spend some special time together. I still want to have a special evening. I forgive you for being so indifferent to me. I forgive you for not responding right away. I understand that you were in the middle of reading something. Let's have a loving intimate evening.
愛你的維亞
I love you, Virginia
注：我希望聽到你說：“我愛你，維亞，我也想與你共度熱情之夜，我出差時會想念你。”
P.S. The response I would like to hear: I love you, Virginia, and I also want to spend a loving evening with you. I am going to miss you."
與爭論有關的情書
A Love Letter About Arguing
邁可和費妮莎對財務支出的決定有不同意見。數分鍾後，他們開始爭論。當邁可發現他正在咆哮時，他馬上停止，深呼吸，然後說：“我需要一些時間想想這件事再談。”他到另一個房間寫出自己的感覺。
Michael and Vanessa disagreed about a financial decision. Within a few minutes they got into an argument. When Michael noticed that he was starting to yell he stopped yelling, took a deep breath, and then said, "I need some time to think about this and then we will talk." Then he went into another room and wrote out his feelings in a Love Letter.
寫完信後，他回來繼續談。他的理性使他們能夠和諧地解決問題。
After writing the letter he was able to go back and discuss the matter in a more understanding way. As a result they were able lovingly to resolve their problem.
這是他的情書：
This is his Love Letter:
親愛的費妮莎：
Dear Vanessa,
1.氣憤：我氣你這麽情緒化，氣你誤解我，氣你在我說話時不能保持冷靜，氣你這麽敏感，這麽容易受傷害，氣你不信任我、拒絕我。
I. Anger I am angry that you get so emotional. I am angry that you keep misunderstanding me. I am angry that you can't stay calm when we talk. I am angry that you are so sensitive and easily hurt. I am angry that you mistrust and reject me.
2.傷心：我們的爭論令我傷心，使我覺得你懷疑我、不信任我、不愛我。
2. Sadness: I am sad that we are arguing. It hurts to feel your doubts and mistrust. It hurts to lose your love. I am sad that we fought. I am sad that we disagree.
3.害怕：我害怕犯錯，害怕做了令你難過的事，害怕分享我的感覺，害怕你怪罪我，害怕無能為力，害怕你不感激我，害怕在你難過時和你說話，我不知道該說什麽。
3. Fear I am afraid of making a mistake. I am afraid I can't do what I want to do without upsetting you. I am afraid to share my feelings. I am afraid you will make me wrong. I am afraid of looking incompetent. I am afraid you do not appreciate me. I am afraid to talk with you when you are so upset. I don't know what to say.
4.後悔：我抱歉傷害了你，抱歉沒有同意你的意見，抱歉自己變得這麽冷酷，抱歉反對你的意見，抱歉我急地想做事，抱歉我使你難過，你不該受到這種對待的。
4. Regret.. I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I don't agree with you. I am sorry that I became so cold. I am sorry that I am so resistant to your ideas. I am sorry that I am in such a hurry to do what I want. I am sorry that I make your feelings wrong. You do not deserve to be treated that way. I am sorry that I judged you.
5.愛：我愛你，而且要盡力愛你。我想我現在可以傾聽你的感受，我要支持你。我知道我傷害了你的感覺，我很抱歉沒有認同你的感覺。我真的非常愛你，我要成為你的英雄，我要你讚美我，我要我有自己的個性，也要支持你有你的個性。我愛你，此時我們談話，我會更有耐性、更理性。 你應得到這種待遇。
5. Love: I love you and I want to work this out. I think I could listen to your feelings now. I want to support you. I understand I hurt your feelings. I am sorry I was so invalidating of your feelings. I really love you so much. I want to be your hero and I don't want to just agree with everything. I want you to admire me. I need to be me and I support you in being you. I love you. This time when we talk I will be more patient and understanding. You deserve that.
愛你的邁可
I love you, Michael
注：我希望聽到你的回應是：“我愛你，邁可。我很感激你的理性與體貼，我相信我們可以解決問題。”
PS. The response I would like to hear: ‑I love you, Michael. I really appreciate what a caring and understanding man you are. I trust we can work this out."
與挫折利失望有關的情書
A Love Letter About Frustration and Disappointment
珍留話給她丈夫比爾，請他帶些重要的信件回家。但比爾沒收到留話，兩手空空回家。珍的反應是強烈的挫折和失望。
Jean left a message for her husband, Bill, saying that she wanted him to bring some important mail Home. Somehow, Bill never got the message. When he arrived Home without the mail, jean's reaction was strong frustration and disappoi intment.
雖然比爾沒有錯，但珍不斷說那些信件對她的重要及她的失望時，比爾覺得自己受到譴責和攻擊。珍不知道比爾將她的挫折和失望歸於自己身上，他幾乎要爆發出來，他試圖讓她覺得她的難過是錯的。
Although Bill was not at fault, when jean continued making comments about how much she needed that mall and how frustrated she was, he started to feel blamed and attacked. jean did not realize that Bill was taking personally all her feelings of frustration and disappointment. Bill was about to explode and make her wrong for being so upset.
為了不把自衛的感覺發泄給她，也為了不想破壞這個晚上，他聰明地決定花十分鍾寫情書。寫完後，他充滿愛意地擁抱太太，說：“我很抱歉沒有幫你拿信。我真希望我有收到你的留話。你還愛我嗎？”珍以愛和感激回應。這晚他們以熱情取代冷戰。
Instead of dumping his defensive feelings on her and ruining their evening, he wisely decided to take ten minutes and write a Love Letter. When he finished writing, he came back more loving and gave his wife a hug, saying, "I am sorry you didn't get your mail. I wish I had gotten that message. Do you still love me anyway?" jean responded with a lot of love and appreciation, and they had a wonderful evening instead of a cold war.
這是比爾的情書：
This is Bill's Love Letter:
親愛的珍：
Dear Jean,
l.氣憤：我不喜歡你難過，不喜歡你為我。我氣你這麽不快樂，氣你見到我這麽不高興。好像我沒把事辦好。我要你感激我，高興看到我。
I. Anger.. I hate when you. get so upset. I hate when you blame me. I am angry that you are so unhappy. I am angry that you are not happy to see me. It feels like nothing I do is ever enough. I want you to appreciate me and be happy to see me.
2.傷心：我傷心你的挫折與失望，我傷心你和我在一起時不快樂，傷心你的不快樂阻礙了我們的愛情，傷心你不感激我們共創的美好事物，傷心我沒有把你要的信件帶回來。
2. Sad~ I am sad that you are so frustrated and disappointed. I am sad that you are not happy with me. I want you to be happy. I am sad that work is always getting in the way of our love life. I am sad that you don't appreciate all the wonderful things we have in our lives. I am sad I didn't come Home with the mall you needed.
3.害怕：我害怕不能使你快樂，害怕你會整晚都不快樂，害怕親近你成疏遠你，害怕需要你的愛，害怕我不夠好，害怕你會因此而反對我。
3. Fear I am afraid I can't make you happy. I am afraid you will be unhappy all evening. I am afraid to be open with you or be close to you. I am afraid of needing your love. I am afraid I am not good enough. I am afraid you will hold this against me.
4.後悔：我很抱歉沒有帶信回來，抱歉使你不高興，抱歉沒想到打電話給你。我不想使你難過，我要你高興看到我。我有四天假期，我要這假期充滿意義。
4. Regret. I am sorry that I didn't bring Home the mall. I am sorry you are so unhappy. I am sorry that I didn't think to call you. I didn't want to upset you. I wanted you to be happy to see me. We have a four‑day holiday and I want it to be special.
5.愛：我愛你，我要你快樂。我知道你難過，知道你也需要時間麵對自已的難過，知道你不想破壞我的感覺，你隻需要擁抱和同情。真對不起，有時候我不知道該怎麽做，反而讓你覺得自己錯了。感謝你是我妻子，我愛你如山高海深。你不需完美，也不需快樂。我了解你現在正為信件而難 過。
5. Love.. I love you. I want you to be happy. I understand that you are upset. I understand that you need some time to just be upset. I know that you are not trying to make me feel bad. You just need a hug and some empathy. I am sorry. Sometimes I don't know what to do and I start making you be in the wrong. Thank you for being my wife. I love you so much. You don't have to be perfect and you don't have to be happy. I understand that you are upset about the mail.
愛你的比爾
I love you, Bill
注：我想要聽到的回答是：“我愛你，比爾。我感激你為我做的許多事，感謝你是我丈夫。”
P.S. The response I would like to hear: "I love you, Bill. I appreciate how much you do for me. Thank you for being my husband."
步驟二：寫回應信
STEP 2: writing A RESPONSE LETTER
情書技巧的第二步是寫回應信。當你表達了積極和消極的感覺後，再多花三到五分鍾寫回應信，可算是治療的方法。在這封信裏，你可以寫下希望從對方那裏得到的回應。
writing a Response Letter is the second step in the Love Letter Technique. Once you have expressed both your negative and positive feelings, taking an additional three to five minutes to write a Response Letter can be a healing process. In this letter, you will write the kind of response you would like to have from your partner.
方法是，想像你的伴侶非常有愛心地回應你受傷的感覺你在情書中表達的感覺。寫一封信給自己，假裝那是對方的回應信。信中包含所有你希望從配偶口中聽來的關於你所表達的傷害的事，你可從以下的句子開始：
It works like this. Imagine that your partner is able to respond lovingly to your hurt feelings‑the ones you expressed in your Love Letter. Write a short letter to yourself pretending it is your partner writing to you. Include all the things you would like to hear from your partner about the hurts you have expressed. The following lead‑in phrases can get you started:
．謝謝你……
．我了解……
．抱歉……
．我要……
．我愛……
* Thank you for... * I understand ... I am sorry... You deserve... I want ... I love ...
有時候，寫回應信比寫情書更有力。寫下我們應獲支持的需要。當我們想像對方愛心的回應時，心裏就會比較好過一點。
Sometimes writing a Response Letter is even more powerful than writing a Love Letter. writing out what we actually want and need increases our openness to receiving the support we deserve. In addition, when we imagine our partners responding lovingly, we actually make it easier for them to do so.
有些人很容易寫出他們的消極感覺，但很難發現愛的感覺，這時寫回應信探討他們想聽到什麽就顯得特別重要了。感受你以對方身分支持自己時有何抗拒，這可幫助你了解在事發當時要彼此以愛相待有多困難。了解配偶的需求有時女人反對寫回應信，她們期望配偶知道該說什麽，她們有個隱藏的聲音說：“我不要告訴他我的需求，如果他真的愛我，他應該知道。”此時，女人應記得男人是從火星來，他真的不知道女人的需求，需要有人告訴他。
Some people are very good at writing out their negative feelings but have a hard time finding the feelings of love. It is especially important for these people to write Response Letters and explore what they would want to hear in return. Be sure to feel your own resistance about letting your partner support you. This gives you an added awareness about how difficult it must be for your partner to deal lovingly with you at such times. Now We (an Learn About Our partners Needs Sometimes women object to writing Response Letters. They expect their partners to know what to say. They have a hidden feeling that says "I don't want to tell him what I need; if he really loves me he will know." In this case a woman needs to remember men are from Mars and don't know what women need; they need to be told.
男人的反應通常是他那個星球的反映，而非他對她的愛的反映。如果他是金星人，他會知道該說什麽，但他不是，男人真的不知道該如何回應女人的感覺。我們的文化大都沒有教男人該如何知道女人的需求。
A man's response is more a reflection of his planet than a mirror of how much he loves her. If he were a Venusian, he would know what to say, but he is not. Men really don't know how to respond to a woman's feelings. For the most part, our culture doesn't teach men what women need.
如果男人曾看過父親對母親的難過所表現的愛心言語，他就會比較知道該說什麽。寫回應信是教男人了解女人需求的最好方法。
If a man has seen and heard his father respond with loving words to his mother's upset feelings, then he would have a better idea about what to do. As It Is, he doesn't know because he's never been taught.
寫回應信是教男人了解女人需求的最好方法。
Response Letters are the best way to teach a man about a woman's needs. Slowly, but surely, he will learn.
有時女人問我：“如果我去告訴他我想聽什麽，而他也說了，怎麽知道他是不是隻說說而已？我怕他不是真心誠意。”
Sometimes women ask me "lf I tell him what I want to hear, and he starts saying it, how do I know he is not just saying it? I'm afraid he may not really mean it."
這是個重要的問題。如果男人不愛女人，他就不必擔心她需要什麽，但若他的回應符合她的要求，那麽他就是真的試著去回應。
This is an important question. If a man doesn't love a woman he will not even bother to give her what she needs. If he even attempts to give a response similar to her request, then most likely he is really trying to respond.
如果他的語氣不夠誠懇，那是因為他在學習新的東西，學習新的回應方式令人顯得笨拙，他這時需要許多感激與鼓勵，他需要配偶告訴他，他在正確的軌道上。
If he doesn't sound fully sincere it's because he is learning something new. Learning a new way of responding is awkward. To him it may feel weak. This is a critical time. He needs lots of appreciation and encouragement. He needs feedback telling him he's on the right track.
如果他支持她的心意不夠誠懇，也不要太耿耿於懷，因為他會害怕他的努力白費。如果女人感激他的心意，下次他會更有安全感、更誠懇。男人並不笨，如果他感受到女人接受他，而他的回應可得到積極結果，他就會回應，隻是要花點時間。
If his attempts to support her seem somewhat insincere, it is usually because he is afraid his efforts will not work. If a woman appreciates his attempt, the next time he will feel more secure and thus be
able to be more sincere. A man is not a fool. When he feels that a woman is receptive to him and that he can respond in a way that makes a positive difference, he will do it. It just takes time.
女人也可由聽取男人的回應信而學習了解男人的需求。女人常被男人的反應搞亂了，她不知道為什麽他拒絕她的支持，其實是她誤解了他的需求。有時候她會反抗他，因她以為他要她放棄自己，但事實上，他是在要求她相信、感激、接受他。
Women as well can learn a lot about men and what they need by hearing a man's Response Letter. A woman is generally perplexed by a man's reactions to her. She has no idea why he rejects her attempts to support him. She misunderstands what he needs. Sometimes she resists him because she thinks he wants her to give up herself. In most cases, however, he really wants her to trust, appreciate, and accept him.
為了獲得支持，我們不僅需教導配偶了解我們的需求，也必須樂意接受支持。如果說出：“你怎麽做也無法讓我開心。”不但有負作用，也會傷害伴侶。
To receive support we not only have to teach our partners what we need but we also have to be willing to be supported. Response Letters ensure that a person is open to being supported. Otherwise communication cannot work. To share hurt feelings with an attitude that says "Nothing you say can make me feel better" is not only counterproductive but also hurtful to your partner. It is better not to talk at these times.
以下是情書與回應信的例子。注意，回應仍是在附注裏，但比以上的例子更長、更仔細。
Here is an example of a Love Letter and its Response Letter. Notice that the response Is still under the P.S., but it's a bit longer and more detailed than those above.
與他的抗拒有關的情書和回應信
A Love Letter and Response Letter About His Resistance
席樂莎請求丈夫保羅支持時，他不但反抗她，還把她的要求視為負擔。
When Theresa asks her husband, Paul, for support, he resists her and appears burdened by her requests.
親愛的保羅：
Dear Paul,
1.氣憤：我氣你反抗我，氣你沒有幫助我，氣我總是必須要求。我為你做太多了，我需要你的幫忙。
I. Anger.. I am angry that you resist me. I am angry that you do not offer to help me. I am angry that I always have to ask. I do so much for you. I need your help.
2.傷心：我傷心你不要幫忙我，我傷心我是這樣孤獨，我要多和你一起做事，我懷念你的幫忙。
2. Sadness: I am sad that you don't want to help ine. I am sad because I feel so alone. I want to do more things together. I miss your support.
3.害怕：我害怕請求你的幫忙，害怕你生氣，害怕你的拒絕會傷害我。
3. Fear I am afraid to ask for your help. I am afraid of your anger. I am afraid you will say no and then I will be hurt.
4.後悔：抱歉我讓你這麽生氣，抱歉我罵你、批評你，抱歉我沒有給你更多感激，抱歉我因為做得太多，而要求你要和我做的一樣多。
4. Regret: I am sorry that I resent you so much. I am sorry that I nag you and criticize you. I am sorry I don't appreciate you more. I am sorry I give too much and then demand you do the same.
5愛：我愛你，我了解你在盡力而為，我知道你關心我，我要以更有愛心的方式請求你。你是我們孩子慈愛的父親。
5. Love. I love you. I understand you are doing your best. I know you do care about me. I want to ask you in more loving ways. You are such a loving father to our children.
愛你的席樂莎
I love you, Theresa
注：我想要聽到的回應是：
PS. The response I would like to hear is:
親愛的席樂莎：
Dear Theresa,
謝謝你如此愛我，謝謝你分享你的感覺，我了解我把你的需求當成要求時，對你是一種傷害，我了解我反抗你時，對你也是傷害，我抱歉不能時常幫助你。你應獲得我的支持，而且我要更加支持你，我真的愛你，也高興有你為妻。
Thank you for loving me so much. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I understand that it hurts you when I act as if your requests are too demanding. I understand that it hurts when I resist you. I am sorry that I don't offer to help you more often. You deserve my support and I want to support you more. I do love you and I feel so happy that you are my wife.
愛你的保羅
I love you, Paul
步驟三：分享你的情書與回應信
STEP 3.. SHARING YOUR LOVE LETTER AND RESPONSE LETTER
分享信十分重要，因為：
Sharing your letters is important for the following reasons:
．可給你伴侶支持你的機會。
．允許你獲得自己需要的支持。
．以愛與尊重的方式給與伴侶必要的回饋。
．可促進關係的改善。
．可教導你的伴侶知道什麽對你最重要，也可教導他如何成功的支持你。
．溝通破裂時，可幫助伴侶再交談。
．可教導我們如何以安全的方式來聽消極的感覺。
• It gives your partner an opportunity to support you.
• It allows you to get the understanding you need.
• It gives your partner necessary feedback in a loving and respectful way.
• It motivates change in a relationship.
• It creates intimacy and passion.
• It teaches your partner what is important to you and how successfully to support you.
• It helps couples to start talking again when communication breaks down.
• It teaches us how to hear negative feelings in a safe way.
以下有五個分享信件的大綱，每個例子都假設是女方寫信，但這方法用在男方的寫信上也有同樣效果。
There are five ways to share your letters outlined below. In this case, it is assumed that she wrote the letter, but these methods work just as well if he wrote the letter.
一、他讀出她的情書和回應信，然後握著她的手，有愛心地講出她希望聽到的話。
I. He reads her Love Letter and Response Letter out loud while she is present. Then he holds her hands and gives his own loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs to hear.
二、她讀出她的情書和回應信，他傾聽，然後握著她的手，有愛心地講她希望聽到的話。
2. She reads her Love Letter and Response Letter out loud while he is listening. Then he holds her hands and gives his own loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs to hear.
三、他先對她讀出她的回應信，再讀情書，這樣他先知道該如何回應後，就不容易接受消極的感覺。先讓他知道她對他的要求，這樣他在聽到消極感覺時才不會驚慌失措。他讀完她的情書後，握著她的手，有愛心地講她希望聽到的話。
3. First he reads ber Response Letter out loud to ber.Then lie reads her Love Letter out loud. It is much easier for a man to hear negative feelings when he already knows how to respond to those feelings. By letting a man know what is required of him, he doesn't panic as much when he is hearing negative feelings. After he reads her Love Letter he then holds her hands and gives his own loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs to hear.
四、她先對他讀她的回應信，再讀情書。最後，他握著她的手，充滿愛心地講她希望聽到的話。
4. Firs.. she reads ber Response Letter to him. Then she reads her Love Letter out loud. Finally he holds her
hands and gives her a loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs.
五、她把信給他，他私下在二十四小時內讀信，讀完後，他感謝她寫信，握著她的手，充滿愛心地講她希望聽到的話。伴侶不能以愛回應怎麽辦
5. She gives ber letters to him and he reads them privately within twentyfour hours. After he has read the letters, he thanks her for writing them and holds her hands and gives her a loving response with a greater awareness of what she needs.
What to Do lf Your Partner Col Respond Lovingly
男女因過去的經驗不同，有些人很難傾聽情書，這時就不應該期待他們讀信。但如果你的伴侶選擇聽信，有時他們可能不能馬上以愛回應。讓我們以保羅和席樂莎為例：
Based on their past experiences some men and women have great difficulty hearing Love Letters. In this case they should not be expected to read one. But even when your partner chooses to hear a letter, sometimes they are unable to respond right away in a loving manner. Let's take Paul and Theresa as an example.
如果保羅聽了伴侶的信後沒有更具愛心，那是因為當時他無法以愛回應，但過後，他的感覺一定會有改變。
If Paul is not feeling more loving after he has heard his partner's letters, then it is because he can't respond with love at that time. But after time his feelings will change.
讀信時，他可能覺得被憤怒與傷害攻擊，而產生自衛，此時，他需要暫時停下來反省她所說的話。
When reading the letters, he may feel attacked by the anger and hurt and become defensive. At such times he needs to take a timeout to reflect on what was said.
有時人們聽情書時，隻聽到氣憤的一麵，在沒有聽到愛的部分時，就把氣憤當成情書的所有內容，但稍後重讀信的內容，讀到後悔與愛的部分時會令他恍然大悟。有時我讀太太的情書時，會先讀愛的部分再讀全文。
Sometimes when a person hears a Love Letter they only hear the anger and it will take a while before they can hear the love. It helps if, after a bit, he rereads the letter, especially the regret and love sections. Sometimes before I read a Love Letter from my wife, I read the love section first and then I read the full letter.
如果男人讀了情書後感到難過，他也可以寫一封情書回應，這情書表達他讀她的情書時產生的消極感覺。有時，我要等到太太寫情書給我，才知道令我困擾的是什麽，然後，突然我會想要寫些東西。每次我寫完信後，都能再次發現愛情的感覺，促使我再讀她的信，聽到她躲在傷害之後的愛。
If a man is upset after reading a Love Letter, he could also respond with his own Love Letter, which would allow him to process the negative feelings that came up when he read her Love Letter. Sometimes I don't know what is bothering me until my wife shares a Love Letter with me, and then suddenly I have something to write about. By writing my letter I am able to find again my loving feelings and reread her letter and hear the love behind her hurt.
如果男人不能馬上以愛回應，他需要知道那沒什麽關係，不會受到處罰，他的伴侶需要了解和接受他需要一點時間思考的需求。他可能會說這些話來支持伴侶：“謝謝你寫這封信，我需要一點時間想想後再談。”他要謹記不可批評這封信，分享信必須選在安全的時間。
If a man cannot immediately respond with love, he needs to know that it's OK and not be punished. His partner needs to understand and accept his need to think about things for a while. Perhaps, to support his partner, he can say something like "Thank you for writing this letter. I need some time to think about it and then we can talk about It." It is important that he not express critical feelings about the letter. Sharing letters needs to be a safe time.
所有以上分享情書的建議，也適用在女人很難以愛回應男人的信時。我通常建議伴侶互相讀出對方所寫的信。讀出另一半的信非常有益，那會讓對方覺得有被傾聽。試試這兩種方式，看哪一種較適合你。
All of the above suggestions for sharing Love Letters also apply when a woman has difficulty responding to a man's letter in a loving way. I generally recommend that couples read out loud the letters they have written. It is helpful to read your partner's letter out loud because it helps them feel heard. Experiment with both, and see what fits you.
安全的情書
MAKING IT SAFE FOR LOVE LETTERS
分享情書令人膽怯，寫出真正的感覺也令人敏感，如果遭到伴侶拒絕，將會造成很大的傷害。分享情書的目的是敞開感覺，讓彼此更親近，如果寫情書的過程很安全，情書就能發揮作用。收到情書的人必須特別尊重書寫者的表達，如果他們不能給與真正尊重的支持，就不會願意傾聽。
Sharing Love Letters can be scary. The person writing their true feelings will feel vulnerable. If their partner rejects them it can be very painful. The purpose of sharing the letter is to open up feelings so that partners can become closer. It works well as long as the process is done in safety. The person receiving the Love Letter needs to be particularly respectful of the writer's expression. If they cannot give true, respectful support, then they shouldn't agree to listen until they can.
分享情書必須有正確的意向，以下兩種精神意圖不可或缺：
Sharing letters needs to be done with the correct intention. Sharing a letter needs to be done in the spirit of the following two statements of intent:
寫與分享情書的意圖
Statement of Intent for writing and Sharing a Love Letter
我寫這封信是為了發現我的積極感覺和給你應得的愛，在這過程裏，我分享了令我沮喪的消極感覺。
I have written this letter in order to find my positive feelings and to give you the love you deserve. As part of that process I am sharing with you my negative feelings, which are holding me back.
你的了解將幫助我敞開心靈趕走消極感覺。我相信你在乎，你會盡力回應我的感覺。我感激你願意傾聽我、支持我。
Your understanding will help me to open up and let go of my negative feelings. I trust that you do care and that you wig respond to my feelings m the best way you can. I appreciate your willingness to listen and support me.
另外，我希望這封信能幫助你了解我的需求和願望。
In addition I hope that this letter will assist you in understanding my wants, needs, and wishes.
聽情書的意圖
The partner who is hearing the letter needs to listen in the spirit of the following statement of intent.
Statement of Intent for Hearing a Love Letter
我保證盡力了解你的感覺，接受我們的差異，感激你盡力傳達你的感覺和愛。
I promise to do my best to understand the validity of your feelings, to accept our differences, to respect your needs as I do my own, and to appreciate that you are doing your best to communicate your feelings and love.
我保證會傾聽你的感覺，不糾正也不否認。我保證接受你，不試著改變你。
I promise to listen and not correct or deny your feelings. I promise to accept you and not try to change you.
我樂意傾聽你的感覺，因為我相信我們可以重修舊好。
I am willing to listen to your feelings because I do care and I trust that we can work this out.
這些精神意圖可幫助你記住尊重伴侶的感覺，以愛且安全的方式回應。剛開始練習情書技巧時，若能將這兩種意圖讀出來，寫情書會比較安全。
The first few times you practice the Love Letter Technique it will be much safer if you actually read these statements out loud. These statements of intent will help you remember to respect your partner's feelings and respond in a loving, safe way.
迷你情書
MINI LOVE LETTERS
你很難過時，不必花二十分鍾寫情書，可以試著寫迷你情書，隻要花三到四分鍾就能獲益匪淺，這裏有一些例子：
If you are upset and you don't have twenty minutes to write a Love Letter, you can try writing a mini Love Letter. It only takes three to five minutes and can really help. Here are some examples:
親愛的馬可：
Dear Max,
1.你遲到使我十分生氣！
2.我很傷心你忘了我。
3.我害怕你一點也不在乎我。
4.我很抱歉我是個不肯原諒人的人。
5.我愛你，我原諒你的遲到。我知道你真的愛我，謝謝你付出的一切努力。
I. I am so angry that you are late!
2. I am sad that you have forgotten me.
3. I am afraid you don't really care about me.
4. I am sorry that I am so unforgiving.
5. I love you and I forgive you for being late. I know you really love me. Thank you for trying.
愛你的仙蒂
Love, Sandie
親愛的亨利：
Dear Henry,
1.我氣你這麽疲倦，我氣你隻看電視。
2.你不和我講話令我傷心。
3.我害怕我們愈來愈疏離，我害怕使你生氣。
4.我抱歉在晚餐時拒絕你，抱歉為我們的問題責備你。
5.我想念你的愛，你今晚會撥出一小時，或另排時間和我討論我們生活上的問題嗎？
I. I am angry that you are so tired. I am angry that you I just watch TV.
2. I am sad that you don't want to talk to me.
3. I am afraid that we are growing apart. I am afraid of making you angry.
4. I am sorry that I rejected you at dinner. I am sorry I blame you for our problems.
5. I miss your love. Would you schedule an hour with me tonight or sometime soon just for me to share with you what's going on in my life?
愛你的蕾麗
Love, Lesley
P.S.我希望聽到你說：
P.S. What I would like to hear from you is:
親愛的蕾麗：
Dear Lesley,
謝謝你把你的感覺寫給我。我了解你想念我。讓我們排出今晚八點到九點這段時間聚在一起。
Thank you for writing me about your feelings. I understand that you miss me. Let's schedule special time tonight between eight and nine.
愛你的亨利
Love, Henry
寫情書的時機與用意
WHEN TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS
你難過時、想讓自己舒服一點時，都可以寫情書。以下是常見的寫情書方式：
The time to write a Love Letter is whenever you are upset and you want to feel better. Here are some common ways Love Letters can be written:
1.寫情書給親密的配偶。
2.寫情書給朋友、孩子或家人。
3.寫情書給商業助理或顧客，信末可以“感激你的”、“尊敬你的”代替。不過，通常我不建議寫這種情書。
4.寫情書給你自己。
5.寫情書給上帝或超自然力量，與上帝分享在你生活中的難過感覺，請求祂的支持。
6.把寫情書的角色調換。如果難以原諒某個人，就假設你是那個人，以他的身分寫情書給自己。你會驚訝自己很快就有原諒他的心了。
7.發泄性情書。如果你真的很難過、感覺很惡劣和主觀，可在信裏發泄，然後把信燒掉。除非你和配偶可以掌握消極感覺，否則不要期待配偶讀這封信。
8.轉移情書。如果目前的事件困擾你，使你記起童年的傷痛，就想像你回到那時候，寫封信給父親或母親，分享你的感覺，請求他們的支持。
I. Love Letter to an intimate partner.
2. Love Letter to a friend, child, or family member.
3. Love Letter to Business associate or client. Instead of saying "I love you" at the end you may choose to use "I appreciate" and "I respect." In most cases I don't recommend sharing it.
4. Love Letter to yourself
5. Love Letter to God or Higher Power. Share your upset feelings about your life with God and ask for support.
6. Role reversal Love Letter. If it is hard to forgive someone, pretend that you are them for a few minutes and write a Love Letter from them to you. You will be amazed at how quickly you become more forgiving.
7. Monster Love Letter. If you are really upset and your feelings are mean and judgmental, vent them in a letter. Then bum the letter. Do not expect your partner to read it unless you both can handle negative feelings and are willing to do so. In that case even monster letters can be very helpful.
8. Displacement Love Utter. When present events upset you and remind you of unresolved feelings from childhood, imagine you can go back in time and write a letter to one of your parents, sharing your feelings and asking for their support.
WHY WE NEED TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS
正如全書所探討的，分享感覺與覺得受照顧、了解和尊重對女人十分重要，同樣的，感覺受感激、接受和信任對男人也十分重要，假若女人分享難過感覺使得男人覺得沒有被愛，就會出現大問題。
As we have explored throughout this book, it is vastly important for women to share their feelings and feel cared for, understood, and respected. It is equally important for men to feel appreciated, accepted, and trusted. The biggest problem in relationships occurs when a woman shares her upset feelings and, as a result, a man feels unloved.
對他而言，她的消極感覺可能聽起來像在批評、譴責、要求和氣憤。他若拒絕她的感覺，她會覺得沒有被愛。成功的關係端賴兩個事實：男人擁有以愛來傾聽與尊重女人感覺的能力，以及女人以愛和尊重來分享感覺。
To him, her negative feelings may sound critical, blaming, demanding, and resentful. When he rejects her feelings, she then feels unloved. The success of a relationship is solely dependent on two factors: a man's ability to listen lovingly and respectfully to a woman's feelings, and a woman's ability to share her feelings in a loving and respectful way.
關係的維係需要伴侶雙方溝通他們不斷改變的感覺和需求。期待完美的溝通是有些過於理想化，幸運的是，在到達完美之前有段很長的成長路程可以共同學習。
A relationship requires that partners communicate their changing feelings and needs. To expect perfect communication is certainly too idealistic. Fortunately, between here and perfection there is a lot of room for growth.
Realistic Expectations
期望輕而易舉的溝通是件不實在的事，而且，有時候要在不傷害聽者的情況下溝通是很困難的，關係良好的夫妻有時候也為有效的溝通煩惱。了解他人的觀點確實很難，尤其是對方說的又不是你想聽的，同時，在你覺得受到傷害時，也很難尊重對方。
To expect communication always to be easy is unrealistic. Some feelings are very difficult to communicate without hurting the listener. Couples who have wonderful and loving relationships will sometimes agonize over how to communicate in a way that works for both people. It is difficult truly to understand another person's point of view, especially when he or she is not saying what you want to hear. It is also hard to be respectful of another when your own feelings have been hurt.
許多夫妻誤以為他們無法成功的溝通是表示彼此愛得不夠。無可否認地，溝通需要愛，但溝通技巧比愛更重要。幸運的是，技巧是可以學習的。
Many couples mistakenly think that their inability to communicate successfully and lovingly means they don't love each other enough. Certainly love has a lot to do with it, but communication skill is a much more important ingredient. Fortunately, it's a learnable skill.
強化愛的溝通
Now We Learn to Communicate
如果我們生長的家庭早已有愛與誠懇溝通的能力，成功的溝通就是我們的第二天性。但上一輩們所謂愛的溝通，通常指避免負向感覺而已。
Successful communication would be second nature if we grew up in families that were already capable of honest and loving communication. But in previous generations, so‑called loving communication
generally meant avoiding negative feelings. It was often as if negative feelings were a shameful sickness and something to be locked away in the closet.
在較不“文明”的家庭裏，愛的溝通可能包括行動或將消極感覺合理化，如體罰、咆哮、打巴掌、鞭打及所有口語虐待所有試圖讓孩子從錯誤中學到教訓的名目。
In less "civilized" families what was considered loving communication might include acting out or rationalizing negative feelings through physical punishment, yelling, spanking, whipping, and all kinds of verbal abuse‑all 'm the name of trying to help the children learn right from wrong.
假設我們的父母學會不克製消極感覺的愛的溝通，身為孩子的我們就能透過嚐試與失敗，安全地發現與探索自己負麵的反應和感覺。透過積極的角色典範成功地學習溝通尤其是溝通困難的感覺。我們逐漸學會以尊重及適切的態度表達各種感覺。如果在你的生活中就有這種模範，那就無須學習寫情書的技巧了。
Had our parents learned to communicate lovingly, without suppressing negative feelings, we as children would have been safe to discover and explore our own negative reactions and feelings through trial and error. Through positive role models we would have learned successfully how to communicate‑especially our difficult feelings. As a result of eighteen years of trial and error in expressing our feelings, we would have gradually learned to express our feelings respectfully and appropriately. If this had been the case, we would not need the Love Letter Technique.
lf Our Post Wore Different
如果我們的過去不同，在成長過程中可以看見父親細心傾聽母親傳達她的挫折與失望，每天經驗到父親給與母親愛的照顧，了解她對丈夫的需求。又看見母親信任父親，敞開分享她的感覺，沒有否定他、責備他，可讓我們經驗到難過時不必以不信任、控製感情、阻止、否定、故施恩惠或冷漠來拒人於千裏之外。
Had our past been different, we would have watched our father successfully and lovingly listen to our mother expand and express her frustrations and disappointments. Daily we would have experienced our father giving our mother the loving caring and understanding that she needed from her loving husband. We would have watched our mother trusting our father and sharing her feelings openly, without disapproving or blaming hirn. We would have experienced how a person could be upset without pushing someone away with mistrust, emotional manipulation, avoidance, disapproval, condescension, or coldness.
在過往的成長歲月裏，我們逐漸能夠主宰自己的情緒，恰如我們能嫻熟走路一般。這是個不會被忘記的技巧，就像走路、跳躍、唱歌、閱讀、維持帳目收支的平衡一樣。
Throughout our eighteen years of growing up we would gradually be able to master our own emotions just as we have mastered walking or math. It would be a learned skill, like walking, jumping, singing, reading, and balancing a checkbook.
然而，大多數人都沒這般幸運，反而是花了漫長的時間學到不成功的溝通技巧。因為學校及家庭中缺乏如何溝通感覺的教育，當我們有消極的感覺時，以愛溝通似乎是件不易做到的困難工作。
But it didn't happen that way for most of us. Instead we spent eighteen years learning unsuccessful communication skills. Because we lack education in how to communicate feelings, it is a difficult and seemingly insurmountable task to communicate lovingly when we are having negative feelings.
思考過去溝通的經驗
要了解溝通的困難，可針對以下問題，思考你的回答：
To come to understand how difficult this is, consider your answers to these following questions:
1.在你成長過程中，當你生氣時，如果你的父母與你爭論或避免與你爭論，你會如何表達愛？
2.如果你的父母以咆哮和處罰控製你，你會如何避免用咆哮和處罰讓你的孩子聽話？
3.如果你長期受到漠視和失望情緒的打擊，你會如何要求更多的支持？
4.如果你害怕被拒絕，你會如何開放分享感覺？
5.如果你的感覺告訴你“我恨你”，你會如何對配偶說？
6.在你小時候，你犯錯受處罰，你如何開口說：“對不起。”
7.如果你怕處罰與拒絕，你會如何承認你的錯誤？
8.孩提時，你不斷被拒絕或被認為是個愛哭鬼、愛傷心的小孩，你會如何表達你的感覺？
9.孩提時，人家一直使你覺得你要求大多是錯的，那你如何認為該要求你所需要的？
10.如果你的父母沒有時間、耐心或沒有意識到該問你的感覺或困擾，那你如何知道你的感覺？
I. When you are feeling angry or resentful, how do you express love if, while you were growing up, your parents either argued or conspired to avoid arguing?
2. How do you get your kids to listen to you without yelling or punishing them if your parents yelled and punished you to maintain control?
3. How do you ask for more support if, even as a child, you felt repeatedly neglected and disappointed?
4. How do you open up and share your feelings if you are afraid of being rejected?
5. How do you talk to your partner if your feelings say "I hate you"?
6. How do you say "I am sorry" if, as a child, you were punished for making mistakes?
7. How can you admit your mistakes if you are afraid of punishment and rejection?
8. How can you show your feelings if, as a child, you were repeatedly rejected or judged for ben upset and crying?
9. How are you supposed to ask for what you want if, as a child, you were repeatedly made to feel wrong for wanting more?
I0. How are you even *Supposed to know what you are feeling if your parents didn't have the time, patience, or awareness to ask you how you were feeling or what was bothering you?
11.孩提時，你覺得為了博取愛而必須完美，那麽你如何接受配偶的缺點？
12.如果沒有人傾聽你，你如何能傾聽伴侶的痛苦感覺？
13.如果你沒有被原諒，你如何去原諒人？
14.如果你在小孩時，人家不斷告訴你“不要哭”或“你要什麽時候才會長大？”或“隻有嬰兒才哭”，那麽你如何認為自己應該哭及治療痛苦與悲傷？
15.孩提時，在你還不了解對母親的感覺不必負責任前，人家一直讓你覺得該對母親的感覺負責，那麽你現在如何能傾聽配偶的失望？
16.加果你在孩提時，父親或母親以對你咆哮我命令來發泄他們的挫折，你現在如何能傾聽配偶的氣憤？
17.如果你第一個信任的人以某些方式背叛你，你如何開放自己信任配偶？
18.如果你成長的前十八年裏沒有統習排除被拒絕與被遺棄的威脅，你認為該如何以愛和尊重來輿別人溝通？
II. How can you accept your partner's imperfections if, as a child, you felt you had to be perfect to be worthy of love?
I2. How can you listen to your partner's painful feelings If no one listened to yours?
I3. How can you forgive if you were not forgiven?
I4. How are you supposed to cry and heal your pain and grief if, as a child, you were repeatedly told
"Don't cry" or "When are you going to grow up?" or "Only babies cry"?
I5. How can you bear your partner's disappointment if, as a child, you were made to feel responsi ble for our mother's pain long before you could understand that you were not responsible?
I6. How can you hear your partner's anger if, as a child, your mother or father took their frustrations out on you through yelling and being demanding?
I7. How do you open up and trust your partner if the first people you trusted with your innocence betrayed you in some way?
I8. How are you supposed to communicate your feelings lovingly and respectfully if you haven't had eighteen years of practice without the threat of being rejected and abandoned?
以上十八個問題可能令你百感交集，但有一個答案是相同的：愛的溝通是可以學習的，但我們必須身體力行，以彌補過去成長經驗中的缺失。這世上沒有人是真正完美的，如果你的溝通有問題，那不是詛咒也不是伴侶的錯，隻是缺乏正確的訓練和安全的練習而已。
The answer to all these eighteen questions Is the same it is possible to learn loving communication, but we need to work at it. We have to make up for the eighteen years of neglect. No matter how perfect our parents were, nobody is really perfect. If you have problems communicating, it is neither a curse nor all your partner's fault. It is simply a lack of having the correct training and the safety to practice.
讀了以上的問題後，你可能有些感覺浮上來，別錯失了自我治療的特殊機會。現在馬上花二十分鍾給伴侶寫封情書，隻需拿支筆和幾張紙，以情書形式開始表達你的感覺。試試看，你會對這效果感到十分驚訝。
In reading the above questions, you may have had some feelings come up. Don't waste this special opportunity to heal yourself. Take twenty minutes right now and write one of your parents a Love Letter. Simply get a pen and some paper and begin expressing your feelings, using the Love Letter format. Try it now, and you will be amazed at the outcome.
說出完全的事實
TELLING THE COMPLETE TRUTH
情書是因幫助你說出完全的事實而有效。隻探討一部分感覺，無法得到治療的效果。如：
Love Letters work because they assist you in telling the complete truth. Merely to explore a part of your feelings does not bring about the desired healing. For example..
1.感受氣憤對你一點幫助也沒有，隻會使你更生氣。你愈在乎自己的氣憤，就會愈難過。
2.如果你沒有擺脫悲傷，哭泣數個小時隻會使你感到更空虛和精疲力盡。
3.隻感受恐懼可能會令你更恐懼。
4.隻感到抱歉而沒有超脫，會讓你覺得內疚與羞恥，也可能會傷害你的自尊。
5.無時無刻隻想要感受愛，會使得你在壓抑所有的消極情緒數年後，變得麻木不仁。
I. Feeling your anger may not help you at all. It may just make you more angry. The more you dwell on just your anger, the more upset you will become.
2. Crying for hours may leave you feeling empty and spent, if you never move past the sadness.
3. To feel only your fears may make you even more fearful.
4. To feel sorry, without moving through it, may just make you feel guilty and ashamed and may even be harmful to your self‑esteem.
5. Trying to feel loving all the time will force you to suppress all your negative emotions, and after a few years, you will become numb and unfeeling.
情書之所以有效，在於你寫出自己所有感覺的完全事實，才能治療內在痛苦。我們必須能感受四個情感痛苦的基本麵——氣憤、傷心、害怕和後悔。
Love Letters work because they guide you In writing out the complete truth about all your feelings. To heal our inner pain, we must feel each of the four primary aspects of emotional pain. They are anger, sadness, fear, and regret.
為何情書有效
Why Love Letters Work
我們的痛苦可由表達情感痛苦的四個層麵而得到紓解，隻寫一種或兩種消極感覺無法發揮效果，因為許多消極的情感反應並非我們真正的感覺，而是在不知不覺間用來防止真正感覺的防禦策略。如：
BY expressing each of the four levels of emotional pain, our pain is released. Whiting only one or two negative feelings does not work as well. This Is because many of our negative emotional reactions are not real feelings but defense mechanisms we unconsciously use to avoid our true feelings.
For example:
1.容易生氣的人通常是試圖隱藏他們的傷害、傷心、害怕或懊悔。當他們感受到自己易受傷害的感覺後，他們的氣憤便消除了，會變得更有愛心。
2.容易哭泣的人通常不容易發脾氣，但當他們能夠透過協助試著發泄氣憤時，他們、心裏會舒服一點，並且更有愛心。
3.人害怕的人通常需要去感覺和表達他們的氣憤，才能消除害怕。
4.老是覺得抱歉與內疚的人，通常在感受他們自己心中有愛之前，需要感覺和表達他們的傷害和氣憤。
5.那些感受到愛卻不知自己為何老是沮喪或麻木的人，通常必須問自己這個問題：“我是不是對某些事情生氣和難過？是哪些事呢？”然後寫出答案。這可幫助他們接觸躲在沮喪與麻木之後的感覺。情書也可運用在這種情況中。
I. People who get angry easily generally are trying to hide from their hurt, sadness, fear, or regret. When they feel their more vulnerable feelings, the anger goes away and they become more loving.
2. People who cry easily generally have a hard time getting angry, but when they are helped to express anger they feel much better and more loving.
3. People who are fearful generally need to feel and express their anger; the fear then goes away.
4. People who often feel sorry and guilty generally need to feel and express their hurt and anger before they can feel the self‑love they deserve.
5. People who always feel loving but wonder why they are depressed or numb generally need to ask themselves this question: If I were angry and upset about something, what would it be? " and write out the answers. This will help them get in touch with the feelings hidden behind the Depression and numbness. Love Letters can be used in this fashion.
感覺如何被隱藏
Now Feelings Con Hide Other Feelings
以下的例子傳達男女如何以負麵情緒避開或壓抑他們真正的痛苦，謹記這個過程是自發的，我們通常不知道這些事正在發生。
Following are some examples of how men and women use their negative emotions to avoid or suppress their true pain. Keep in mind that this process is automatic. We are often not aware that it is happening.
想想這些問題：
Consider for a moment these questions:
．當你憤怒時，你微笑嗎？
．當你內心深處很害怕時，你卻表現出氣憤嗎？
．當你真正傷心或受傷害時，你會開玩笑或大笑嗎？
．當你感到內疚或害怕時，你會很快責備他人嗎？
• Do you ever smile when you are really angry?
• Have you acted angry when deep inside you were afraid?
• Do you laugh and make jokes when you are really sad and hurt?
• Have you been quick to blame others when you felt guilty or afraid?
以下的表格表示男女通常如何隱藏他們真正的感覺。當然，不是每個人都符合下列描述，它隻是給我們一個方法了解，我們可能對自已真正的感覺相當陌生。
The following chart shows how men and women commonly deny their true feelings. Certainly not all men will fit the male description just as not all women will fit the female description. The chart gives us a way to understand how we may remain strangers to our real feelings.
真正感覺被隱藏的方法
WAYS WE COVER UP OUR REAL FEELINGS
男人如何隱藏他們的痛苦 女人如何隱藏她們的痛苦
(這過程通常是無意識的) (這過程通常是無意識的)
How men hide their pain How women hide their pain
(This process is unconscious) This process is ~ unconscious)
1.男人可能把“生氣”當作防止傷心、 1.女人可能把“關心”和“擔心”當成
傷害、後悔、內疚、害怕等痛苦感覺 防止氣憤、內疚、害怕和失望等痛苦
的方法。 感覺的方法。
I. Men may use anger as a way of I. Women may use concern and
avoiding the painful feelings of sad‑ worry as a way of avoiding the
ness, hurt, sorrow, guilt, and fear. painful feelings of anger, guilt,
fear, and disappointment.
2.男人可能以“冷漠”和“沮喪”為防 2.女人可能以“陷入迷惑”為防止氣
止氣憤的方法。 憤、煩躁和沮喪的方法。
2. Men may use indifference and dis‑ 2. Women may fall into confusion
couragement as a way of avoiding as a way of avoiding anger, irrita
the painful feelings of anger. tion, and frustration.
3.男人可能以“激怒”為防止受傷害 3.女人可能以“感覺不好”為防止害
的方法。 羞、氣憤、傷心和後悔的方法。
3. Men may use feeling offended 3. Women may use feeling bad as
as a way of avoiding feeling hurt. a way of avoiding embarrassment,
anger, sadness, and regret.
4.男人可能以“氣憤”和“正義”做為 4.女人可能以“害怕”和“不確定”作
防止害怕或不確定的方法。 為防止氣憤、傷害和傷心的方法。
4. Men may use anger and 4. Women may use fear and uncer
righteousness as a way to avoid tainty as a way of avoiding anger,
feeling afraid or uncertain. hurt, and sadness.
5.男人可能以感到“受羞辱”防止氣憤 5.女人可能會用“傷心”來防止氣憤和
和傷心的感覺。 害怕的感覺。
5. Men may feel ashamed to avoid 5. Women may use grieving to
anger and grieving. avoid feeling angry and afraid.
New men hide ‑Ih* p*‑ (This Pro How women hide their 2* (This
cess is generally unconscious) process is generally unconscious)
6.男人可能以“平和”與“平靜”做為 6.女人可能以“期待”作為防止氣憤、
防止氣憤、害怕、失望、沮喪和羞恥 傷心、內疚和後悔的方法。
的方法。
6. Men may use peace and calm as 6. Women may use hope as a way
a way to avoid anger, fear, disap‑ to avoid anger, sadness, grief, and
pointment, discouragement, and sorrow.
shame.
7.男人可能以“自信”來防止自己不夠 7.女人可能以“快樂”和“感謝”來防
完美的感覺。 止傷心和失望的感覺。
7.Men may use confidence to 7. Women may use Happiness and
avoid feeling inadequate. gratitude to avoid feeling sadness
and disappointment.
8.男人可能以“侵略”來防止害怕感 8.女人可能以“愛”和“原諒”作為防
覺。 止傷害和氣憤感覺的方法。
8. Men may use aggression to 8. Women may use love and for
avoid feeling afraid. giveness as a way to avoid feeling
hurt and angry.
治療負麵感覺
HEALING NEGATIVE FEELINGS
如果你的負麵感覺沒有被傾聽、支持，你就很難了解並接受另一個人負麵的感覺。愈能治療童年留下來未解決的感覺，就愈能在沒有傷害、心急、沮喪或悲傷的心情下，分享感覺及傾聽配偶的感覺。
Understanding and accepting another's negative feeling are difficul if Your own negative feelings have not been heard and supported. The more we are able to heal our own unresolved feelings from childhood the easier it is responsibly to share our feelings and to listen to our partner's feelings without being hurt, impatient, frustrated, or offended.
你愈反抗感受自己的內在痛苦，就愈會反抗傾聽他人的感覺。如果別人傳達他們童真的感覺時，你會覺得不耐煩、不想聽，那也就是你對待自己的方式。
The more resistance you have to feeling your inner pain, the more resistance you will have to listening to the feelings of others. If you feel impatient and intolerant when others express their childlike feelings, then this is an indicator of how you treat yourself.
為了重新教導自己，我們必須在心裏重塑父母形象。去意識到內心有對有感情的父母，當我們理智的成人說沒有理由難過時，心中的父母會難過。我們可以學習將內在的感情部分，獨立成為有愛心的父母。自問：“怎麽了？你受傷了嗎？你覺得怎樣？你為什麽難過？你生氣什麽？你傷心什麽？你害怕什麽？你想要什麽？”
To retrain ourselves we must reparent ourselves. We must acknowledge that there is an emotional person inside us who gets upset even when our rational adult mind says there is no reason to be upset. We must isolate that emotional part of our self and become a loving parent to It. We need to ask ourselves "What's the matter? Are you hurt? What are you feeling? What happened to upset you? What are you angry about? What makes you sad? What are you afraid of? What do you want?"
當我們同情地傾聽自己時，負麵的感覺就會奇跡似的很快得到痊愈，我們也能以更有愛心與尊重的方式來反應某些狀況。了解自己孩子般的感覺，使我們自動打開愛的門允許自己暢所欲言。
When we listen to our feelings with compassion, our negative feelings quite miraculously are healed, and we are able to respond to situations in a much more loving and respectful way. By understanding our childlike feelings we automatically open a door for loving feelings to permeate what we say.
如果小時候的內在情感有常被傾聽與認同，長大後就不會陷入負麵情緒中。但多數人小時候都沒有得到這樣的支持，所以必須學習自我支持。
If as children our inner emotions had been repeatedly heard and validated in a loving way, then as adults we wouldn't get stuck in negative emotions. But most of us weren't supported this way as children, so we have to do it for ourselves.
過去如何影響現在
Now Your Post Affects You Today
你當然有覺得被負麵情緒支配的經驗。以下是常見的童年未解決的感情對我們今日的影響：
Certainly you've had the experience of feeling gripped by negative emotions.These are some common ways our unresolved emotions from childhood may affect us today as we encounter the stresses of being adults:
1.有些事使我們挫折時，就算內在的成人部分說我們應該冷靜、有愛心和溫和，但我們仍然深陷在憤怒與煩惱中。
I. When something has been frustrating, we remain stuck feeling angry and annoyed, even when our adult self says we should feel calm, loving, and peaceful.
2.當某些事令人失望時，就算內在的成人說我們應該覺得熱忱、快樂、有希望，但我們仍舊深陷於傷心與傷害中。
2. When something has been disappointing, we remain stuck feeling sad and hurt, even when our adult self says we should feel enthusiastic, happy, and hopeful.
3.當某些事令人難過時，就算內在的成人說我們應該放心、有信心、愉快，但我們仍深覺害怕與擔心。
3. When something has been upsetting, we remain stuck feeling afraid and worried, even when our adult self says we should feel assured, confident, and grateful.
4.當某些事很令人難為情時，就算內在的成人說我們應該覺得安全、美好，但我們仍深覺抱歉與羞愧。
4. When something has been embarrassing, we remain stuck feeling sorry and ashamed, even when out adult self says we should feel secure, good, and wonderful.
以耽溺壓抑感覺
Silencing Your Feelings Through Addictions
長大後我們通常以逃避來控製負麵情緒，以耽溺來壓抑痛苦的哭泣和未被滿足的需求。一杯酒下肚，痛苦獲得短暫的終解，但它會不斷地回來。
As adults we generally try to control these negative emotions by avoiding them. Our addictions can be used to silence the painful cries of our feelings and unfulfilled needs. After a glass of wine, the pain is gone for a moment. But it will come back again and again.
諷刺的是，避免負麵情緒的行動，反而會使負麵情緒控製我們的生活。隻有經由學習傾聽和教育內在感情，才能逐漸消除控製。
Ironically, the very act of avoiding our negative emotions gives them the power to control our lives. By learning to listen to and nurture our inner emotions, they gradually lose their grip.
諷刺的是，避免負麵情緒的行動，反而使負麵情緒控製我們的生活。
你很難過時，溝通當然無法得到你想要的效果。此時你過去未解決的感覺會都跑回來，就好像從不被允許發脾氣的孩子現在發脾氣了，隻好被關到衣櫃裏。
When you are very upset, it certainly is not possible to communicate as effectively as you want to. At such times the unresolved feelings of your past have come back. It Is as though the child that was never allowed to throw a tantrum now throws one, only to be ‑exiled once again into the closet.
未被處理的童年感情會控製我們的成人意識，阻礙愛的溝通，直到我們能以愛傾聽過去的不合理感情為止。
Our unresolved childhood emotions have the power to control us by gripping our adult awareness and preventing loving commun cation. Until we are able lovingly to listen to these seemingly irrational feelings from our past (which seem to intrude into our life when we most need our sanity), they will obstruct loving communication.
溝通我們困難感覺的秘密在於，用智慧與熱忱寫出我們的負麵感覺，以使我們意識到更多的積極感覺。我們愈能以配偶渴望的愛來溝通，就愈能維持良好的婚姻關係。當你能以愛的方式表達難過時，你的配偶也能以支持來回饋。
The secret of communicating our difficult feelings lies in having the wisdom and the commitment to express our negative feelings in writing so that we can become aware of our more positive feelings. The more we are able to communicate to our partners with the love they deserve, the better our relationships will be. When you are able to share your upset feelings in a loving way, it becomes much easier for your partner to support you in return.
自助的秘訣
SECRETS OF SELF‑HELP
寫情書是非常好的自助工具，但你如不馬上養成習慣，很快就會忘記。建議你，有事使你困擾時，每周至少一次坐下來寫封情書。
Writing Love Letters is an excellent self‑help tool, but if you don't immediately get in the habit of writing them you may forget to use it. I suggest that at least once a week when something is bothering you, sit down and write a Love Letter.
寫情書不僅有助於消除婚姻關係中因配偶而產生的問題，也有助於消除個人的難過。無論何時，隻要你想讓情緒好轉就寫情書，也許不能每次都使你情緒好轉，但可幫助你掌握方向。
Love Letters are helpful not only when you feel upset with your partner in a relationship but also whenever you are upset. writing Love Letters help when you are feeling resentful, unhappy, anxious, depressed, annoyed, tired, stuck, or simply stressed. Whenever you want to feel better, write a Love Letter. It may not always completely improve your mood, but it will help move you in the direction you want to go.
多方麵閱讀與改善情緒有關的書，也可幫助你了解和治療自己的內在感覺。謹記：除非你把情緒講出來，否則不能收到治療效果。書可鼓舞你更愛自己，但要實踐愛自己則需要靠傾聽、書寫，或多方麵表達你的感覺。
In my first book, What You Feel You Can Heal, the importance of exploring feelings and writing Love Letters is more fully discussed. In addition, in my tape series, Healing the Heart, I share healing visualizations and exercises based on the Love Letter Technique for overcoming anxiety, releasing resentment, and finding forgiveness, loving your inner child, and healing past emotional wounds.
In addition, many more books and workbooks have been written on this subject by other authors. Reading these books is important to help you get in touch with your inner feelings and heal them. But remember, unless you are letting that emotional part of you speak out and be heard, it cannot be healed. Books can inspire you to love yourself more, but by listening to, writing out, or verbally expressing your feelings you are actually doing it.
書可鼓舞你更愛自己，但要實踐愛自己則需靠傾聽、書寫，或多方麵表達你的感覺。
當你練習情書技巧時，就已開始經曆你內心裏最渴望愛的部分。傾聽與探討你的情緒，可幫助你這個部分的成長與發展。
As you practice the Love Letter Technique you will begin to experience the part of you that needs love the most. By listening to your feelings and exploring your emotions, you will be helping this part of you to grow and develop.
當你的情感得到愛與了解時，出自然就可以溝通得較好，並且有能力以愛的方式反應各種情況。雖然我們過去被教導得善於隱藏感情和自衛，但重新訓練自己是有很大的可能性。
As your emotional self gets the love and understanding it needs, You will automatically begin to communicate better. You will become capable of responding to situations in a more loving manner. Even though we have all been programmed to hide our feelings and react defensively and not lovingly, we can retrain ourselves. There is great hope.
為了重新整合，你必須傾聽和了解從來沒有被治療過的未解決感覺，你必須被傾聽與了解才能得到痊愈。
To retrain yourself you need to listen to and understand the unresolved feelings that have never had a chance to be healed. This part of you needs to be felt, heard, and understood and then it is healed.
練習情書技巧是表達未解決感覺、負麵情緒與需求，而不會遭拒絕的安全方法。傾聽我們的感覺就好像小孩子倒在父母愛心的懷裏哭泣，而這是對待感情的聰明方法。經由以尊重與愛來善待我們天真的部分，過去未解決的感情創傷就可以獲得妥貼的治療。
Practicing the Love Letter Technique is a safe way to express unresolved feelings, negative emotions, and wants without being judged or rejected. By listening to our feelings we are in effect wisely treating our emotional side like a little child crying in a loving parent 9 s arms. By exploring the complete truth of our feelings we are giving ourselves full permission to have these feelings. Through treating this childlike part of us with respect and love, the unre solved emotional wounds of our past can be gradually healed.
許多人非常早熟，因為他們拒絕和壓抑了自己的感覺，他們未解決的感情傷痛正等著被愛與治療。他們企圖壓抑這些感情，但痛苦與不快樂正持續地影響著他們。現在，有許多生理疾病被視為與未解決的感情傷痛有關。壓抑感情傷痛通常會變成生理創傷或疾病，導致早亡。另外，大部分具破壞性的強迫固執和耽溺，都是內在感情傷痛的表現。
Many people grow up too quickly because they reject and suppress their feelings. Their unresolved emotional pain is waiting inside to come out to be loved and healed. Although they may attempt to suppress these feelings, the pain and unHappiness continue to affect them. Most physical diseases are now widely accepted as being directly related to our unresolved emotional pain. Suppressed emotional pain generally becomes physical pain or sickness and can cause premature death. In addition, most of our destructive compulsions, obsessions and addictions are expressions of our inner emotional wounds.
男人強迫自己成功，是企圖贏取愛，以減少內在感情的傷痛與騷動；女人強迫自已完美，是企圖讓自己值得被愛，以減少感情傷痛。凡事做過頭，都會使過去未解決的痛苦變得麻木。
A man's common obsession with success is his desperate attempt to win love in hopes of reducing his inner emotional pain and turmoil. A woman's common obsession with being perfect is her desperate attempt to be worthy of love and reduce her emotional pain. Anything done to excess can become a means to numb the pain of our unresolved past.
我們的社會充塞了各種娛樂幫助我們避開傷痛，但情書可幫助我們正視傷痛、感受傷痛、治療傷痛。每次寫情書，即是你給與內在感情和傷痛愛與了解、注意的時候。
Our society is filled with distractions to assist us in avoiding our pain. Love Letters, however, assist you in looking at your pain, feeling it and then healing it. Every time you write a Love Letter you are giving your inner emotional and wounded self the love, understanding, and attention it needs to feel better.
隱私的力量
The Power of Privacy
有時，私下寫出你的感覺，可以使你發現和別人談話時無法感受到的深層感覺。完全的隱私增加深層感受的安全性。雖然你在婚姻關係中覺得有些事可以談，但還是建議你有時私下寫自己的感覺。為自己寫情書是健康的，因為可提供你獨處的時間，給與自己所需而不倚賴任何人。
Sometimes, by privately writing out your feelings, you will discoverdeeper levels of feelings that you could not feel with another person. Complete privacy creates the safety to feel more deeply. Even if you are in a relationship and you feel you can talk about anything, I still recommend p wri ng down your feelings sometimes. writing Love Letters in private is also healthy because it provides a time for you to give to yourself without depending on anyone else.
建議你寫情書日記，或將情書集成檔案。先前提供的簡單情書形式可幫助你很快的寫好情書。如果你有一部個人電腦，建議你用電腦寫情書，不管何時，隻要你想寫就打開電腦。把寫好的情書儲存起來，若想與人分享就把它印出來。
I recommend keeping a journal of your Love Letters or keeping them together in a file. To make writing Love Letters easier, you may wish to refer to the sample Love Letter format given earlier in this chapter. This Love Letter format can assist you in remembering the different stages of a Love Letter and offer some lead‑in phrases when you may be stuck.
If you have a personal computer then type in the Love Letter format and use it over and over again. Simply open to that file whenever you want to write a Love Letter, and when you are finished save it by the date. Print it out if you wish to share it with someone.
也建議你把別的情書集成檔案。不難過時，偶爾讀讀這些信，因為這時你才能以客觀的態度回顧這些信，這客觀態度可幫助你往後以尊重的方式表達難過，而且，在你寫了情書仍難過時，讀這些信也許令你好過一點。
In addition to writing letters, I suggest that you keep a private file for your letters. Occasionally reread these letters when you are not upset because that is when you can review your feelings with a greater objectivity. This objectivity will help you to express upset feelings at a later time in a more respectful way. Also if you write a Love Letter and you are still upset, by rereading the letter you may begin to feel better.
To assist people in writing Love Letters and exploring and expressing feelings In a private way, I developed a computer program called Private Session. In a personal way, the computer uses pictures, graphics, questions, and various Love Letter formats to assist you in getting in touch with your feelings. It even suggests lead‑in phrases to help you draw up and express particular emotions. In addition it privately stores your letters and brings them up at times when reading them might help you more fully to express your feelings.
Using your computer to assist you in expressing your feelings can help overcome the usual resistance that people have to writing Love Letters. Men, who are usually more resistant to this process, are more motivated to do it if they can sit privately in front of their computer.
親密的力量
The Power of Intimacy
私下寫情書對個人的治療很有幫助，但別人無法聽到及了解我們的需要。寫情書是愛自己的表現，但你分享情書時，你是在接收愛。要增加愛自己的能力，必須對等地收到愛，所以分享事實是打開愛的親密之門。
Privately writing Love Letters is very healing in itself, but it does not replace our need to be heard and understood by others. When you write a Love Letter you are loving yourself, but when you share a letter you are receiving love. To grow in our ability to love ourselves we need to receive love as well. Sharing the truth opens the door of intimacy through which love can enter.
要增加愛自己的能力，必須對等地收到愛。
在我們的生活裏，必須有人讓我們樂於分享感覺，我們才能有更多愛的感覺。能夠找到可以讓你分享每一個感覺，並相信他們仍會愛你，不會以批評、拒絕傷害你的人，是非常有力量的。
To receive more love we need to have people in our life with whom we can openly and safely share our feelings It is very powerful to have some select people in your life with whom you can share
your every feeling and trust that they will still love you and not hurt you with criticism, judgment, or rejection.
你能分享真實的自己以及你的感覺時，就能完整地接收到愛。擁有愛後，你便更容易釋放負麵的情緒症狀，如憤怒、生氣、害怕等等。這不是說你需要分享你的每一個感覺，但若有任何感覺是你害怕分享的，那麽，你要治療的是這份恐懼。
When you can share who you are and how you feel, then you can fully receive love. If you have this love, it is easier to release negative emotional symptoms like resentment, anger, fear, and so forth. This does not mean that you need to share everything you feel and discover in private. But if there are feelings that you are afraid to share, then gradually these fears need to be healed.
如果你能分享自己內在最深的感覺，治療師或親近的朋友會是愛與治療的最大來源。如果你沒有找治療師，那麽，偶爾讓朋友讀你的信也是非常有益的。私下寫信會讓你感覺好過一點，但偶爾與關心你、了解你的人分享自己的情書，對你會更有幫助。
A loving therapist or close friend can be a tremendous source of love and healing if you can share your inner and deepest feelings. If you don't have a therapist, then having a friend read your letters from time to time is very helpful. writing in private will make you feel better; but occasionally sharing your Love Letters with another person who cares and can be understanding is essential.
團體的力量
The Power of the Group
團體支持的力量是必須經驗而無法形容的。一個有愛心的支持團體可幫助我們更容易觸及內心深處的感覺。與團體分享感覺，表示有更多的人可以給你愛。成長的潛力由團體的大小來決定，就算你沒有在團體中發言，但聽到別人在團體中開誠布公地談論他們的感覺，你的覺察力與觀察力也會提高。
The power of group support is something that cannot be described but has to be experienced. A loving and supportive group can do wonders to help us more easily get in touch with our deeper feelings. To share your feelings with a group means there are more people available to give you love. The potential for growth is magnified by the size of the group. Even if you do not speak out in a group, by listening to others speak openly and honestly about their feelings, your awareness and insight expand.
每當我到各地帶領研討會時，我都不斷的感受到內心深處最需要被聽、被了解的部分。當某些人站起來分享他們的感覺時，我馬上記起我自己的某些事或感受到某些事，使我對自己和他人都有了非常有價值的新觀察。每次研討會一結束，我都能感到更輕鬆、更有愛心。
When I lead group seminars around the country I repeatedly experience deeper parts of myself that need to be heard and understood. When someone stands up and shares their feelings, suddenly I begin to remember something or feel something myself. I gain valuable new insights about myself and others. At the end of each seminar I generally feel much lighter and more loving.
如果小時候在家裏或在團體中不太敢表達自己。那麽，現在尋求團體的支持更形重要。每個人都可以因為身處在有愛心的支持團體中講話或傾聽而獲得治療。
Everywhere small support groups on almost every topic meet each week to give and receive this support. Group support is especially helpful if as children we did not feel safe to express ourselves in groups or in our family. While any positive group activity is empowering, speaking or listening in a loving and supportive group can be personally healing.
我通常會和一個小型的男人支持團體聚會，我太太也會和她的女人支持團體聚會，這種外在的支持增進了我們的婚姻關係。另外,聽取他人成功與失敗的經驗，也使我們自己的問題變小了。
I meet regularly with a small men's support group, and my wife, Bonnie , meets regularly with her women's support group. Getting this outside support greatly enhances our relationship. It frees us from looking to each other as the sole source of support. In addition, by listening to others share their successes and failures our own problems tend to shrink.
花時間傾聽
Taking rime to Listen
不管你是把你的想法和感覺私下寫在電腦上或日記裏，或透過在治療、婚姻、支持團體中得到治療，你都是邁開了重要的一步。當你花時間傾聽自己的感覺，你就是在向你的內在孩童的感覺說：“你很重要。你應該被傾聽，我是十分關心地聆聽著。”
Whether you are privately writing down your thoughts and feelings on your computer or sharing them in therapy, in your relationships, or in a support group, you are taking an important step for yourself.
當你花時間傾聽你的感覺，你就是在向你內在孩童的感覺說：
When you take the time to listen to your feelings you are in effect saying to the little feeling person inside "You matter. You deserve to be heard and I care enough to listen."
“你很重要，你應該被傾聽，我很關心地聆聽著。”
我希望你利用情書技巧，因為我目睹了上千人，包括我自己在內，因寫情書而改變了生活。情書寫愈多就愈容易寫，而且愈有效。寫情書需要練習，但都值得你去做。
I hope you will use this Love Letter Technique because I have witnessed it transform the lives of thousands of people, including my own. As you write more Love Letters it becomes easier and works better. It takes practice, but it is worth it.
