心鏡鏡心
詩書磨心鏡, 鏡心明詩書
第十章 為愛情加分
男人通常認為他為女人做大事時得分很高，如給她買新車、帶她去度假；當他為女人做小事時得分較低，如打開車門、送她花、擁抱她。根據這些記分，他相信隻要集中他的時問、精力及注意力在為她做大事上，就可以滿足她。但是這個公式無效，因為女人自有她不同的記分法。
A man thinks he scores high with a woman when he does something very big for her, like buying her a new car or taking her on a vacation. He assumes he scores less when he does something small, like opening the car door, buying her a flower, or giving her a hug. Based on this kind of score keeping, he believes he will fulfill her best by focusing his time, energy, and attention into doing something large for her. This formula, however, doesn't work because women keep score differently.
不管愛的禮物是大是小，女人隻記一分，每樣禮物的價值都相等。大小不管，通通一分。但男人以為他給小禮物一分，大禮物就有三十分，他不了解女人的記分法和男人是不一樣的。
When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value. Its size doesn't matter; it gets a point. A man, however, thinks he scores one point for one small gift and thirty points for a big gift. Since he doesn't understand that women keep score differently, he naturally focuses his energies into one or two big gifts.
不管愛的禮物是大是小，女人隻記一分，每樣禮物的價值都相等。
男人不知道女人將小事情看得和大事情一樣重要，也就是說，對女人而言，一朵玫瑰和準時付租金得到的是相同的分數。如不了解這種記分的基本不同，男女在關係中會不斷發生挫折與失望。
A man doesn't realize that to a woman the little things are just as important as the big things. In other words, to a woman, a single rose gets as many points as paying the rent on time. Without understanding this basic difference in score keeping, men and women are continually frustrated and disappointed in their relationships.
以下的例子說明這一點：
The following case illustrates this:
佩恩在谘詢時說：“我為強克做了許多，但他卻忽視我，他隻關心他的工作。”
In counseling, Pam said, "I do so much for Chuck and he ignores me. All he cares about is his work."
強克說：“可是我工作的所得用來付我們漂亮房子的貸款及旅行。她應該很快樂。”
Chuck said, "But my work pays for our beautiful house and allows us to go on vacations. She should be happy."
佩恩回答：“如果我們不能彼此相愛，我不在乎房子和旅行。我需要你給我更多。”
Pam replied, "I don't care about this house or the vacations if we are not loving each other. I need more from you."
強克說：“你似乎說你付出的比較多。”
Chuck said, "You make it sound like you give so much more."
佩恩說：“是，我總是在替你做事，我洗、衣、燒飯、清理房子，我做每件事，你隻做一件事——去上班。雖然工作使你賺得鈔票，你卻期待我做每一件事。”
Pam said, "I do. I am always doing things for you. I do the wash, fix the meals, clean the house‑everything. You do one thing‑you go to work, which does pay the bills. But then you expect me to do every. thing else."
強克是個成功的醫生，像大部分的專家一樣，他的工作很費時間，但賺很多錢。他不了解佩恩為何這麽不滿，他以為每月底收到的高額支票使他至少可得三十分，現在自己開了診所，收入加倍後，他以為可以得六十分了。他不知道支票隻為他賺了一分不論金額大小。
Chuck is a successful doctor. Like most professionals his work is very time consuming but very profitable. He couldn't understand why his wife, Pam, was so discontent. He earned a "good living" and he provided a "good life" for his wife and family, but when he came Home his wife was unhappy.
強克不知道在佩恩的看法裏，他錢賺得愈多，她失去的愈多。他的新診所需要他付出更多時間和精力，為了讓先生得到鬆懈，佩恩更加努力經營他們的個人生活和關係，當她付出更多時，她覺得自己每個月該得到的是六十分，而他卻隻有付出一分，這使得她非常不高興、非常氣憤。
In Chuck's mind, the more money he made at work, the less he needed to do at, Home to fulfill his wife. He thought his hefty paycheck at the end of the month scored him at least thirty points. When he opened his own clinic and doubled his income, he assumed he was now scoring sixty points a month. He had no idea that his paycheck earned him only one point each month with Pam‑no matter how big it was.Chuck did not realize that from Pam's point of view, the more he earned, the less she got. His new clinic required more time and energy. To pick up the slack she began to do even more to manage their personal life and relationship. As she gave more, she felt as if she was scoring about sixty points a month to his one. This made her very unhappy and resentful.
佩恩覺得她付出很多，卻得到很少。強克的看法卻是認為自己給與的很多(六十分)，所以也應從太太那裏回收這麽多，他認為他們的分數平等，除了她不高興外，他很滿意他們的關係。他責備她要求太多，他認為他不斷增加的收入和她的付出相等，這個觀念使得佩恩更加氣憤。
Pam felt she was giving much more and getting less. From Chuck's point of view he was now giving more (sixty points) and should get more from his wife. In his mind the score was even. He was satisfied with their relationship except for one thing‑she wasn't happy. He blamed her for wanting too much. To him, his increased payc equaled what she was giving. This attitude made Pam even more angry.
他們聽了我錄音帶上的關係課程後，都放棄彼此責備，以愛來解決問題，因此原本可能走上離婚的關係改變了。
After listening to my relationship course on tape, both pam and Chuck were able to let go of their blame and solve their problem with love. A relationship headed for divorce was transformed.
強克學到為太太做點小事可以創造很大的不同。他很驚訝當他開始對她多付出時間和精力時，事情會改變得那麽快。他理解了女人將小事看得和大事一樣重要。他也了解了他原來的工作為何隻得一分。
Chuck learned that doing little things for his wife made a big difference. He was amazed at how quickly things changed when he started devoting more time and energy to her. He began to appreciate that for a woman little things are just as important as big things. He now understood why his work scored only one point.
佩恩確實有理由不高興，她需要強克個人的精力、努力、注意力甚於他們富有的生活形態。強克發現，隻要少花點精力賺錢，多加一點點精力在正確的方向，他的太太就會更高興，他知道過去為了使她高興，花太多時間工作，自從他了解她的記分方式後，他回家都是充滿信心，因為他知道如何讓她高興。
Actually, Pam had good reason to be unhappy. She truly needed Chuck's personal energy, effort, and attention much more than their wealthy lifestyle. Chuck discovered that by spending less energy making money and devoting just a little more energy in the right direction. his wife would be much happier. He recognized that he had been working longer hours in hopes of making her happier. Once he understood how she kept score, he could come Home with a new confidence because he knew how to make her happy.
LITTLE THINGS MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE
有許多方法可使男人不必做多少事就得到配偶的記分。隻要調整他原已給與的精力與注意力即可。但事實上即使多數男人知道也不願麻煩去做這些事，因為他們不知道小事情對女人有多重要。在比較他為她做的大事後，他最終會真正相信小事情是十分重要的。
There are a variety of ways a man can score points with his partner without having to do much. It is just a matter of redirecting the energy and attention he is already giving. Most men already know about many of these things but don't bother to do them because they don't realize how important the little things are to a woman. A man truly believes the little things are insignificant when compared to the big things he is doing for her.
有些男人可能以做小事來建立關係，但做一兩次後就停止了，他們透過神秘的直覺力量，把精力集中在為配偶做大事上，而忽略了可使女人滿足關係的小事。為了滿足女人，男人必須了解她對愛與支持的需求。
Some men may start out in a relationship doing the little things, but having done them once or twice they stop. Through some mysterious instinctive force, they begin to focus their energies into doing one big thing for their partners. They then neglect to do all the little things that are necessary for a woman to feel fulfilled in the relationship. To fulfill a woman, a man needs to understand what she needs to feel loved and supported.
女人記分的方式不隻是嗜好，而是真的需要。女人在關係中必須得到許多愛的表達才能感到被愛，一種或兩種愛的表達，不管有多重要，都不能滿足她。
The way women score points is not just a preference but a true need. Women need many expressions of love in a relationship to feel loved. One or two expressions of love, no matter how important, will not, and cannot, fulfill her.
男人很難了解這一點。有個探討的方法是想像女人有個像車子汽油槽般的愛槽，這個槽需要不時地加滿。加滿女人愛槽的秘密是做許多小事(可得許多分)。當愛槽加滿了，女人就能感受到愛，而會回應給男人深愛、信任、接受、感激、讚美、肯定和鼓勵。
This can be extremely hard for a man to understand. One way to look at it is to imagine that women have a love tank similar to the gas tank on a car. It needs to be filled over and over again. Doing many little things (and scoring many points) is the secret for filling a woman's love tank. A woman feels loved when her love tank is full. She is able to respond with greater love, trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Lots of little things are needed to top off her tank.
以下是一百零一條男人可用來維持女人愛槽盈滿的方法。
Following is a list of I0I of the little ways a man can keep his partner's love tank full.
讓愛情加分的101妙方
I0 I WAYS TO SCORE POINTS WITH A WOMAN
1.回到家，先別做其他的事，先找她，擁抱她。
2.問她這天過得如何，包括她計畫做的事(如：你去看醫生有什麽結果？)
3.練習聽問題、問問題。
4.同情她的問題，但別試圖解決她的問題。
5.不待她要求，就給她二十分鍾專注的時間(這時不要讀報或分心)。
6.隨時像在特殊場合一樣，送她一束花，讓她驚喜。
7.提前計畫約會，不要等到周末，才問她想做什麽。
8.如果平時總是她做晚餐，如她太累太忙，請主動做晚餐。
9.讚美她的外貌裝扮。
10.她難過時，認同她的感覺。
I. Upon returning Home find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug.
2. Ask her specific questions about her day that indicate an awareness of what she was planning to do (e.g., "How did your appointment with the doctor go?").
3. Practice listening and asking questions.
4. Resist the temptation to solve her problemsempathize instead.
5. Give her twenty minutes of unsolicited, quality attention (don't read the newspaper or be distracted by anything else during this time).
6. Bring her cut flowers as a surprise as well as on special occasions.
7. Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do.
8. If she generally makes dinner or if it is her turn and she seems tired or really busy, offer to make dinner.
9. Compliment her on how she looks.
I0. Validate her feelings when she is upset.
11.她累時，幫助她。
12.旅行時，行程排鬆一點，讓她不必太趕。
13.如果你會遲到，打電話讓她知道。
14.當她請求支持時，你說好或不好時，別讓她覺得她的請求是錯的。
15.不管何時她的感覺受了傷害，給她同情，並告訴她：“很對不起，讓你覺得受傷害了。”然後沉默，讓她感受你了解她的傷害，不要提供解答或解釋她的傷害不是你的錯。
16.不管何時，你需要離開時，讓她知道你會回來，或告訴她你需要時間想一些事情。
17.當你冷靜下來回來後，用尊重的態度談困擾你的事，她才不會把事情想得很糟。
18.在冬天時負責點爐火。
19.當她跟你講話時，放下報紙或關掉電視，全神貫注聽她說。
20.如果平日是她洗碗，你偶爾也洗一下，尤其在她很疲倦時。
21.她難過或疲倦時要注意她，問她要做什麽事，然後幫她做點“這些事”。
II. Offer to help her when she is tired.
I2. Schedule extra time when traveling so that she doesn't have to rush.
I3. When you are going to be late, call her and let her know.
I4. When she asks for support, say yes or no without making her wrong for asking.
I5. Whenever her feelings have been hurt, give her some empathy and tell her "I'm sorry you feel hurt." Then be silent; let her feel your understanding of her hurt. Don't offer solutions or explanations why her hurt is not your fault.
I6. Whenever you need to pull away, let her know you will be back or that you need some time to think about things.
I7. When you've cooled off and you come back, talk about what was bothering you in a respectful, nonblaming way, so she doesn't imagine the worst.
I8. Offer to build a fire in wintertime.
I9. When she talks to you, put down the magazine or turn off the TV and give her your full attention.
20. If she usually washes the dishes, occasionally offer
to wash the dishes, especially if she is tired that day.
22.出門時，問她需不需要你順便買些東西回來，若需要，別忘了去買。
23.讓她知道你正打算小睡一下或想要出門。
24.每天擁抱她四次。
25.上班時，打電話問她好不好，分享一些興奮的事，我告訢她“我愛你”。
26.每天至少告訢她幾次“我愛你”。
27.鋪床，清理臥室。
28.如果是她洗襪子，請把襪子翻正麵，好讓她省去這道手續。
29.注意垃圾桶是否滿了，把垃圾倒幹淨。
30.如果你離城，打電話報平安，並留下可聯絡到你的電話號碼。
2I. Notice when she is upset or tired and ask what
she has to do. Then offer to help by doing a few of her "to do" items.
22. When going out, ask if there is anything she wants you to pick up at the store, and remember to pick it up.
23. Let her know when you are planning to take a nap or leave.
24. Give her four hugs a day. dive er four hugs a day.
25. Call her from work to ask how she is or to share something exciting or to tell her "I love you."
26. Tell her "I love you" at least a couple of times every day.
27. Make the bed and clean up the bedroom.
28. If she washes your socks, turn your socks right side out so she doesn't have to.
29. Notice when the trash is full and offer to empty it.
30. When you are out of town, call to leave a telephone number where you can be reached and to let her know you arrived safely.
31.洗車。32.和她約會前，先清洗車子，並清理車內。
33.做愛之前先洗澡，如果她喜歡，再灑上些古龍水。
34.當她對某些人生氣時，拖她帶離現場。
35.按摩她的背、頸子或腳。
36.有時候，就算沒有性愛，也要製造擁抱或柔情的氣氛。
37.她在分享感覺時，你要有耐心，不要看表。
38.她和你看電視時，不要拿著遙控器轉台。
39.在眾人場合表現你對她的感情。
40.牽手時，不要讓你的手軟弱無力。
3 I. Wash her car.
32. Wash your car and clean up the interior before a date with her.
33. Wash before having sex or put on a cologne if she likes that.
34. Take her side when she is upset with someone.
35. Offer to give her a back or neck or foot massage (or all three).
36. Make a point of cuddling or being affectionate sometimes without being sexual.
37. Be patient when she is sharing. Don't look at your watch.
38. Don't flick the remote control to different channels when she is watching TV with you.
39. Display affection in public.
40. When holding hands don't let your hand go limp.
41.了解她最喜歡的飲料，必要時，可把她喜歡的拿出來給她選擇。
42.出去吃飯時，建議去不同的餐廳，不要讓她有尋找餐廳的負擔。
43.為她買戲劇、音樂會、歌劇、舞蹈，或她喜歡的表演的入場券。
44.製造兩人可以打扮漂亮出門的機會。
45.體諒她的遲到或臨時決定改變衣著。
46.在公眾麵前，對她付出比別人更多的注意力。
47.把她看得比孩子還重要，讓孩子看見是她最先引起你的注意和重視。
48.買小禮物給她——如一小盒巧克力糖或香水。
49.買裝飾品給她(拿一張她的獨照給店員幫忙選適合她的飾品)。
50.在特殊的場合替她拍照。
4I. Learn her favorite drinks so you can offer her a
choice of the ones that you know she already likes.
42. Suggest different restaurants for going out; don't put the burden of figuring out where to go on her.
43. Get season tickets for the theater, symphony, opera, ballet, or some other type of performance she likes.
44. Create occasions when you both can dress up.
45. Be understanding when she is late or decides to change her outfit.
46. Pay more attention to her than to others in public.
47. Make her more important than the children. Let the children see her getting your attention first and foremost.
48. Buy her little presents‑like a small box of chocolates or perfume.
49. Buy her an outfit (take a picture of your partner along with her sizes to the store and let them help you select it).
50. Take pictures of her on special occasions.
51.出去度個浪漫的短假。
52.讓她看見你把她的照片放在你的皮夾裏，並不斷更新照片。
53.住飯店時，請飯店準備特別的東西，如一瓶香檳、蘋果汁或一束燦爛的花。
54.給特殊節目寫張短箋或做個標論，如結婚紀念日和生日。
55.長途旅行時，由你開車。
56.慢慢開車，保持安全，尊重她的選擇。畢竟，她坐在較危險的前座。
57.注意她的感受，並說：“你今天看起來很高興。”或“你看起來很累。”然後問這樣的問題：“你今天過得好不好？”
58.帶她出門時，學習辨認方向，這樣她就不會覺得該對方向負責。
59.帶她去跳舞或一起上舞蹈課。
60.寫給她一張愛的短箋或詩，讓她驚喜。
5 I. Take short romantic getaways.
52. Let her see that you carry a picture of her in your wallet and update it from time to time.
53. When staying in a hotel, have them prepare the room with something special, like a bottle of champagne or sparkling apple juice or flowers.
54. Write a note or make a sign on special occasions such as anniversaries* and birthdays.
55. Offer to drive the car on long trips.
56. Drive slowly and safely, respecting her preferences. After all, she is sitting powerless in the front seat.
57. Notice how she Is feeling and comment on it ‑"You look happy today " or "You look tired"‑and then ask a question like "How was your day?"
58. When taking her out, study in advance the directions so that she does not have to feel responsible to navigate.
59. Take her dancing or take dancing lessons together.
60. Surprise her with a love note or poem.
61.用剛建立關係時的態度對待她。
62.修理房子中破損的東西，問：“房子裏有沒有什麽需要修理？我還有時間。”不要做超出能力所能負擔的。
63.幫她磨菜刀。
64.買一些好的超級強力膠，修補擦掉的東西。
65.燈泡壞了，盡可能馬上更換。
66.幫助處理、收拾垃圾。
67.看到報上她有興趣的部分，大聲讀出來成剪下來給她。
68.整齊寫下你接到她留給你的電話留言。
69.保持浴室地板幹淨，淋浴後，將地板擦幹。
70.為她開門。
6I. Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of the relationship.
62. Offer to fix something around the house. Say "What needs to be fixed around here? I have some extra time." Don't take on more than you can do.
63. Offer to sharpen her knives in the kitchen.
64. Buy some good Super Glue to fix things that are broken.
65. Offer to change fight bulbs as soon as they go out.
66. Help with recycling the trash.
67. Read out loud or cut out sections of the newspaper that would interest her.
68. Write out neatly any phone me~ you may take for her
69. Keep the bathroom floor clean and dry it after taking a shower.
70. Open the door for her.
71.購物後，幫她提東西。
72.為她提重的袋子。
73.旅行時，負責提行李，負責將行李放進車中。
74.她洗碗時，幫她刷鍋子或做其他較粗重的事。
75.製作一張“修理”表，放在廚房。一有多餘的時間就為她做一些表上的事項，不要拖太久。
76.她準備晚餐時，稱讚她做的菜。
77.聽她談話時，看著她的眼睛。
78.和她講話時，偶爾用手踫她。
79.對她當天做的事和她讀的書、她接的電話表示興趣。
80.聽她講話時，適度地發出嗯、哼、啊、哦之聲，讓她知道你對她所談的感到興趣。
7I. Offer to carry the groceries.
72. Offer to carry heavy boxes for her.
73. On trips, handle the luggage and be responsible for packing it in the car.
74. If she washes the dishes or it is her rum, offer to help scrub pots or other difficult tasks.
75. Make a "to fix" list and leave it in the kitchen. When you have extra time do something on that fist for her. Don't let it get too long.
76. When she prepares a meal, compliment her cooking.
77. When listening to her talk, use eye contact.
78. Touch her with your hand sometimes when you talk to her.
79. Show interest in what she does during the day, in the books she reads and the people she relates to.
80. When listening to her, reassure her that you are interested by making little noises like ah ha, uh‑huh, oh, mmhuh, and hmmmm.
81.問她現在的感覺。
82.如果她生病了，隨時問最新病情。
83.她累時，替她泡杯茶。
84.和她同時上床睡覺。
85.出門前跟她吻別說再見。
86.對她講的笑話或幽默發笑。
87.她為你做事時，你要說謝謝。
88.她做了頭發後，要稱讚她的新發型。
89.增加兩人獨處的時間。
90.親密時刻或她在分享脆弱感覺時，不要接電話。
81. Ask her how she is feeling.
82. If she has been sick in some way, ask for an update and ask how she is doing or feeling.
83. If she is tired offer to make her some tea.
84. Get ready to go to sleep together and get in bed at the same time.
85. Give her a kiss and say good‑bye when you leave.
86. Laugh at her jokes and humor.
87. Verbally say thank you when she does things for you.
88. Notice when she gets her hair done and give a reassuring compliment.
89. Create special time to be alone together.
90. Don't answer the phone at intimate moments or if she is sharing vulnerable feelings.
91.就算路程很短，也一起走一段。
92.安排野餐。
93.她操作洗衣機時，你把髒衣服搜集到洗衣機旁。
94.陪她去散步。
95.以商量的態度告訴她你希望她得到她所要的，你也得到你所要的。但要小心謹慎，不要成為犧牲者。
96.當你離家時，讓她知道你想她。
97.帶她最喜歡的派或甜點回家給她。
98.如果平時是她買菜，有空時，陪她一起去買菜。
99.在浪漫的場合吃少一點，才不會太飽和太累。
100.要求她把她的想法列在這張表上。
101.如廁後保持馬桶蓋放下。
9I. Go bicycling together, even if it's just a short ride.
92. Organize and prepare a picnic. (Remember to bring a picnic cloth.)
93. If she handles the laundry, bring the clothes to the cleaners or offer to do the wash.
94. Take her for a walk without the children.
95. Negotiate in a manner that shows her that you want her to get what she wants and you also want what you want. Be caring, but don't be a martyr.
96. Let her know that you missed her when you went away.
97. Bring Home her favorite pie or dessert.
98. If she normally shops for the food, offer to do the food shopping.
99. Eat lightly on romantic occasions so that you don't become stuffed and tired later.
I00. Ask her to add her thoughts to this list.
I01. Leave the bathroom seat down.
做小事的驚人效果
THE MAGIC OF DOING LITTLE THINGS
男人為女人做小事的效果十分驚人，那可使女人的愛槽在滿。當分數與女人心中期望的相等或幾乎相等時，女人知道她是被愛的，她也會以信任和愛回報。隻要她知道自己被愛，她可以毫無怨慰地愛他。
It's magic when a man does little things for his woman. It keeps her love tank full and the score even. When the score is even, or almost even, a woman knows she is loved, which makes her more trusting and loving in return. When a woman knows she's loved, she can love without resentment.
為女人做小事也是男人的治療過程。事實上，這些小事也能治療他的忿恨。他會開始感覺到力量與效果，因為她得到了她要的關心。在這種情況下兩人都獲益。
Doing little things for a woman is also healing for a man. In fact, those little things will tend to heal his resentments as well as hers. He begins to feel powerful and effective because she's getting the caring she needs. Both are then fulfilled.
What a Man News
男人需要繼續為女人做小事，女人需要特別注意感激他為她做的小事。她可以讓他知道，當他含笑說謝謝時他已得一分。男人需靠這種感激和鼓勵來繼續給與，如果女人覺得他的給與輕而易得，男人就會停止給與，因此女人必須讓他知道她感激他的給與。
Just as men need to continue doing little things for a woman, she needs to be particularly attentive to appreciate the little things he does for her. With a smile and a thanks she can let him know he has scored a point. A man needs this appreciation and encouragement to continue giving. He needs to feel he can make a difference. Men stop giving when they feel they are being taken for granted. A woman needs to let him know that what he is doing is appreciated.
This doesn't mean that she has to pretend that everything is now perfectly wonderful because he has emptied the trash for her. But she can simply notice that he has emptied the trash and say "thanks." Gradually more love will flow from both sides.
What a Man Needs a Woman to Accept
女人必須接受男人將所有精力放在大事上及降低小事重要性的天生傾向。接受這個傾向，不應造成她的傷害，她可積極與他一起解決問題，而不要生氣他給得太少，她可以重複讓他知道她有多感激他為她所做的小事，及他的努力與周到。
A woman needs to accept a man's instinctive tendencies to focus all his energies into one big thing and minimize the importance of the little things. By accepting this inclination, it will not be as hurtful to her. Rather than resenting him for giving less, she can constructively work with him to solve the problem. She can repeatedly let him know how much she appreciates the little things he has done for her and that he works hard and attentively.
如果他忘了做小事，她應記得這不表示他不愛她，而是他又把精神專注到大事去了。她可藉由請求支持來鼓勵他再度注意她，而不需要責備他。有了感激與鼓勵，男人會逐漸學習將小事看得和大事一樣重要，他會逐漸減少一味追求成功的衝刺，而多花點時間與太太、家人輕鬆相處，生活較平衡。
She can remember that his forgetting to do the little things doesn't mean he doesn't love her but that he has become too focused on big things again. Instead of fighting him or punishing him, she can encourage his personal involvement by asking for his support. With more appreciation and encouragement a man will gradually learn to value the little things as well as the big. He will become less driven to be more and more successful and begin to relax more and spend more time with his wife and family.
調整精力與注意力
REDIRECTING ENERGY AND ATTENTION
我猶記得第一次學習將精力調整到小事上的經驗。我和邦妮剛結婚時，幾乎是個工作狂，除了寫書和教課外，每周還有五十小時的谘詢實習。結婚第一年，她不斷讓我知道多麽希望多和我相處，她不斷告訴我她被遺棄與受傷害的感覺。有時候她會以寫信的方式分享感覺，我們稱之為情書。這些信總是包含了氣憤、憂傷、懼怕、遺憾，而以愛作結束。第十一章將探討更深入的方法及寫情書的重要。她寫情書告訴我，我把太多時間花在工作上。
I remember when I first learned to redirect my energies into the little things. When Bonnie and I were first married, I was almost a workaholic. In addition to writing books and teaching seminars, I had a counceling practice for fifty hours a week. In the first year of our marriage, she let me know again and again how much she needed more time with me. Repeatedly she would share her feelings of abandonment and hurt. Sometimes she would share her feelings in a letter. We call this a Love Letter. It always ends with love and includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow. In chapter II we will explore more deeply the methods and importance of writing these Love Letters. She wrote this Love Letter about my spending too much time at work.
親愛的約翰：
Dear John,
我寫此信與你分享我的感覺。我不是要你做什麽，隻是希望你了解我的感覺。
I'm writing you this letter to share with you my feelings. I don't mean to tell you what to do. I just want you to understand my feelings.
我氣你在工作上花太多時間，我氣你回到家什麽也不留給我，我想要有更多的時間與你相處。似乎你把診所看得比我重要，這讓我覺得受到傷害。你的疲勞也使我難過，我想念你。
I am angry that you spend so much time at work. I am angry y that you come Home with nothing left for
me. I want to spend more time with you. It hurts to feel like you care more about your clients than me. I feel sad that you are so tired. I miss you.
我怕你不願多與我相處，我怕自己成為你人生的另一項負擔，我怕自己抱怨不休，我怕我的感覺對你一點也不重要。如果這些話難以入耳，我感到抱歉。我知道你在盡力而為，我也感激你認真工作。
I'm afraid you don't want to spend time with me. I am afraid of being another burden in your life. I am afraid of sounding like a nag. I am afraid my feelings are not important to you. I'm sorry if this is hard to hear. I know you are doing your best. I appreciate how hard you work.
愛你的邦妮
I love you, Bonnie
讀了她被忽視的感覺後，我知道我給診所的比給她的多。我把全副注意力都給了客戶，精疲力盡地回家而忽略了妻子。
After reading about her feeling neglected I realized that I truly was giving more to my clients than I was to her. I would give my undivided attention to my clients and then come Home exhausted and ignore my wife.
When a Man Overworks
我忽略她不是因為不愛她或不在乎她，而是我沒精力可給她了。我天真地以為，我盡力努力工作為她和家庭提供舒適的生活(更多的錢)。自從我了解她的感覺後，我設計了一個解決這個問題的計畫。
I was ignoring her not because I didn't love her or care for her but because I had nothing left to give. I naively thought I was doing the best thing by working hard to provide a better life (more money) for her and our family. Once I understood how she felt, I developed a plan for solving this problem in our relationship.
Instead of seeing eight clients a day I started seeing seven. I pretended that my wife was my eighth client.
我把每天和八個顧客會麵改成七位，我假設我太太是我的第八個顧客。每天我提早一小時回家，我心裏想，我太太是我最重要的顧客。我開始為她奉獻，回到家就為她做小事。這計畫馬上就成功了，不隻她比較快樂，我也比較快樂。
Every night I came home a hour earlier. I pretended in my mind that my wife was my most important client. I started giving her that devoted and undivided attention I would give a client. When I arrived Home I started doing little things for her. The success of this plan was immediate. Not only was she happier but I was too.
逐漸地，當我支持她和家庭的方式讓我感受到被愛時，我就比較不會拚命衝刺想成為偉大的成功者。我放慢了腳步，令我驚訝的是，不但我們的關係進步了，我的事業也更成功了，而我卻不必花像過去那麽多的時間在工作上。
Gradually, as I felt being loved for the ways I could support her and our family, I became less driven to be a great success. I started to slow down, and to my surprise not only our relationship but also my work flourished, becoming more successful without my having to work as hard.
我發現，在家扮演的角色成功時會反映在事業上。事業的成功不隻靠努力工作，也倚賴我取信於他人的能力。得到家人的愛，不隻使我更有自信，其他人也會更相信我、更感謝我。
I found that when I was succeeding at Home, my work reflected that success. I realized that success in the work world was not achieved through hard work alone. It was also dependent on my
ability to inspire trust in others. When I felt loved by my family, not only did I feel more confident, but others also trusted and appreciated me more.
Now a Women Can Help
邦妮的支持在這個改變裏扮演一個很重要的角色。她除了分享誠實的愛之外，也堅持請求我為她做事，我去做時，她給了我許多感激。我逐漸了解做小事對彼此的愛有多重要。我鬆了一口氣，因為我不必刻意為愛做大事。
Bonnie's support played a big part in this change. In addition to sharing her honest and loving feelings, she was also very persistent in asking me to do things for her and then giving me a lot of appreciation when I did them. Gradually, I started to realize how wonderful it is to be loved for doing little things. I was relieved from feeling that I had to do great things to be loved. It was a revelation.
WHEN WOMEN GIVE POINTS
女人擁有感激人生的大事和小事的能力，這是對男人的祝福，大多數男人都努力想飛黃騰達，他們相信飛黃騰達可使愛情彌堅。他們內心深處渴望別人的愛與讚美，他們不知道，不必飛黃騰達就可以得到愛與讚美。
Woman possess the special ability to appreciate the little things of fife as much as the big things. This is a blessing for men. Most men strive for greater and greater success because they believe it will make them worthy of love. Deep inside, they crave love and admiration from others. They do not know that they can draw that love and admiration to them without having to be a greater success.
大多數男人都努力想飛黃騰達，他們相信飛黃騰達可使愛情彌堅。
女人如能感激男人為她做的小事，就有能力治療男人的耽溺。但她如果不知道“感激”對男人的重要性，就無法表達感激，而很可能讓氣憤恣意而行。
A woman has the ability to heal a man of this addiction to success by appreciating the little things he does. But she may not express appreciation if she doesn't understand how important it is to a man. She may let her resentment get in the way.
治療氣憤流行性感冒
HEALING THE RESENTMENT FLU
女人天生就會感激小事情，但女人如感到被忽視，沒有得到愛時，就難以自動感激男人為她所做的一切。她會氣憤，因她覺得她付出的比他多，這氣憤阻礙了她感激小事的能力。
Women instinctively appreciate the little things. The only exceptions are when a woman doesn't realize a man needs to hear her appreciation or when she feels the score is uneven. When a woman feels
unloved and neglected it is hard for her automatically to appreciate what a man does do for her. She feels resentful because she has given so much more than he has. This resentment blocks her ability to appreciate the little things.
氣憤，就像得了流行性感冒，是不健康的。當女人氣憤時，有否定男人為她所做一切的傾向，因為根據她的記分法，她做的比他多。如果男女得分的比率是十比四十，她會開始氣憤，然後不知不覺間將他的十分和自己的四十分相比，得出他們關係的分數是三十比零。這似乎很合理，但卻是不可信的。
Resentment, like getting the flu or a cold, is not healthy. When a woman is sick with resentment she tends to negate what a man has done for her because, according to the way a woman keeps score, she has done so much more. When the score is forty to ten in favor of the woman, she may begin to feel very resentful. Something happens to a woman when she feels she is giving more than she is getting. Quite unconsciously she subtracts his score of ten from her score of forty and concludes the score in their relationship is thirty to zero. This makes sense mathematically and is understandable, but it doesn't work.
她將自己的分數減去他的分數，使他得到零，但他不是零。他給的不是零，是十，可是他回家時，她冷漠的眼神和聲音控訴他的表現是零。她否定了他所做的一切，她對他的反應仿佛是他什麽也沒做但他實際上是得了十分。
When she subtracts his score from her score he ends up with a zero, and he is not a zero. He has not given zero; he has given ten. When he comes Home she has a coldness in her eyes or in her voice that says he is a zero. She is negating what he has done. She reacts to him as if he has given nothing‑but he has given ten.
女人以這樣的方式減男人分數的原因是她沒有感受到愛，不平均的分數使她覺得她不重要。沒有感受到愛，就算他的十分很合理，她也難以感激他。當然，這是不公平的，但事實上卻是如此。在這個觀點下，男人在關係中就常常感到自己不受感激，失去做得更多的動力。他也得到氣憤流行性感冒，而她則更氣憤，情況愈變愈糟，他的氣憤感冒也更趨嚴重。
The reason a woman tends to reduce a man's points this way is use she feels unloved. The unequal score makes her feel that she because she fee Feeling unloved, she finds it very difficult to appreciate even the ten points he can legitimately claim. Of course, this isn't fair, but it is how it works.What generally happens in a relationship at this point is the man feels unappreciated and loses his motivation to do more. He catches the resentment flu. She then continues to feel more resentful, and the situation gets worse and worse. Her resentment flu gets worse.
她需要休息
What She Can Do
解決這個問題的方法是，從雙方的立場給與同情的了解他需要被感激，她需要被支持，否則病情會更嚴重。
The way of solving this problem is to understand it compassionately from both sides. He needs to be appreciated, while she needs to feel supported. Otherwise their sickness gets worse.
解決她氣憤的方法是她必須負起責任，她該對付出太多使分數不相等負責。得了感冒是需要休息的，在關係中付出太多也是需要休息的，她需要讓自己休息，並讓配偶多照顧她。
The solution to this resentment is for her to take responsibility.She needs to take responsibility for having contributed to her problem by giving more and letting the score get so uneven. She needs to treat herself as if she has the flu or a cold and take a rest from giving so much in the relationship. She needs to pamper herself and allow her partner to take care of her more.
女人生氣時，通常不會給配偶支持她的機會。如果他很疲倦，她就否定他做的事的價值，給他另一個零分，然後閉門謝絕他的支持。但她也可藉由自己對付出太多負責而放棄責罵他，重新設一張記分表，給他另一次機會，理性地改善情況。
When a woman feels resentful, she usually will not give her partner a chance to be supportive, or, if he tries, she will negate the value of what he has done and give him another zero. She closes the door to his support. By taking responsibility for giving too much, she can give up blaming him for the problem and start a new scorecard. She can give him another chance and, with her new understanding, improve the situation.
他付出先不求回報
What He Can Do
男人如果覺得沒受感激，便會停止給與支持。但如果他了解她是因氣憤而無法給分及感激他，他便會有責任地自動處理這種情況。
When a man feels unappreciated, he stops giving support. A way he can responsibly deal with the situation is to understand that it Is hard for her to give points for his support and appreciate him when she is sick with resentment.
了解她再次付出之前必先收到，可使他減輕氣憤。他可據此謹慎地付出愛情，不必要求短期內得到感激，給她一段從感冒複元的時間，如果他繼續給與，她暫時停止給與而專心地收取他愛的支持，很快就可以得到平衡了。
He can release his own resentment by understanding that she needs to receive for a while before she can give again. He can remember this as he attentively gives his love and affection in little ways. For a while he should not expect her to be as appreciative as he deserves and needs. It helps if he takes responsibility for giving her the flu because he neglected to do the little things that she needs.
With this foresight he can give without expecting much in return until she recovers from her flu. Knowing that he can solve this problem will help him release his resentment as well. If he continues giving and she focuses on taking a rest from giving and focuses on receiving his support with love, the balance can be quickly restored.
為何男人給得少
WHY MEN GIVE LESS
男人幾乎都是拿得多給得少，可能你會有這樣的經驗，女人通常抱怨男人剛開始時給很多愛，後來就變得比較被動，然而男人也覺得受到不公平的待遇，女人剛開始時，對男人又愛又感激，然後逐漸變得氣憤與要求。如果我們知道男女不同的記分法，這個謎就解開了。
A man rarely intends to take more and give less. Yet men are notorious for giving less in relationships. Probably you have experienced this in your relationships. Women commonly complain that their male partner starts out more loving and then gradually becomes passive. Men also feel unfairly treated. in the beginning women are so appreciative and loving, and then they become resentful and demanding. This mystery can be understood when we realize how men and women keep score differently.
以下是男人停止給與的五個主要理由：
There are five major reasons a man stops giving. They are:
一、男人將公平性理想化了。
I. Martians Idealize Fairness.
男人將他的所有精力都集中在工作上，他以為工作的表現得了五十分，回到家後，就可以坐等太太給他五十分。他不知道她隻給了他一分。他因以為自己早已給與很多，所以停止給與。
A man focuses all his energies into a project at work and thinks he has just scored fifty points. Then he comes Home and sits back, waiting for his wife to score her fifty points. He does not know that in her experience he has only scored one point. He stops giving because he thinks he has already given more.
他以為自己工作表現得五十分足以和太太的分數相等，是公平的，也是愛的行為，卻不知道努力工作在配偶心目中隻得了一分。他隻有了解和尊重女人對每個愛的禮物隻給一分，才能建立公平的看法。以下是對男女的實用建議：
In his mind this is the fair and loving thing to do. He allows her to give fifty points worth of support to even the score. He doesn't realize that his hard work at the office scores only one point. His m h(
model of fairness can work only when he understands and respects women give one point for each gift of love. This first insight has practical applications for both men and women. They are:
男人：僅記女人將大事和小事都記為一分。
對每一個愛的禮物她都一視同仁，也都需要不管是大還是小。為了避免氣憤，練習做一些可產生大改變的小事情。不要期待女人對你滿意，除非她得到豐富的愛的小表現及大表現。
For Men: Remember that for a woman, big things and little things score one point. All gifts of love are equal and equally needed‑big and small. To avoid creating resentment, practice doing some of the little things that make a big difference. Do not expect a woman to be satisfied unless she gets an abundance of little expressions of love as well as the big.
女人：進記男人是從火星來，不會自動去做小事情，他們給的少不是不愛你，而是他們認為早就給與了。
試著不要把它當成是你個人的問題，而要以請求來反覆鼓勵他們的支持，不要等到你對他的支持絕望或分數不相等了才請求。也不要命令他支持，相信他會支持你，即使他需要一點小小的鼓勵。
For Women: Remember that men are from Mars; they are not automatically motivated to do the little things. They give less not because they do not love you but because they believe they have already given their share. Try not to take it personally. Instead, repeatedly encourage their support by asking for more. Don't wait ,until you desperately need his support or until the score is greatly uneven to ask. Don't demand his support; trust that he wants to support YOU, even if he needs a little encouragement.
二、女人將無條件的愛理想化了。
2. Venusians Idealize Unconditional Love.
女人盡其所能地給與，但當她感到空虛時，隻注意到她回收得很少。女人的記分法與男人不同，她盡情給與，以為男人也會和她一樣。
A woman gives as much as she can and only notices that she has received less when she is empty and spent. Women don't start out keeping score like men do; women give freely and assume men will do the same.
如我們所知，男人的做法不一樣。男人盡情給與，直到他發現分數不相等時，他便停止給與。男人通常給與很多，然後坐等回收。
As we have seen, men are not the same. A man gives freely until the score, as he perceives it, gets uneven, and then he stops giving. A man generally gives a lot and then sits back to receive what he has given.
當女人快樂地給與男人時，男人直覺以為他得到許多分，他唯一要考慮的是自己給得夠不夠。但當他發現他所得的分數很低時，他就不再給與了。
When a woman is happy giving to a man, he instinctively assumes she is keeping score and he must have more points. The last thing he would consider is that he has given less. From his vantage point he would never continue giving when the score became uneven in his favor.
他知道自己已經給得很多，而女人還要求他給得更多時，他在付出時瞼上就不會有笑容，心裏很在意這件事。當女人瞼上掛著笑盡情給與時，男人以為分數必然是平等了，他不知道女人有神奇的能力，能快樂的給與，直到分數是三十比零。以下是對男女的實用建議：
He knows that if he is required to give more when he feels he has already given a greater amount, he will definitely not smile when he gives. Keep this in mind. When a woman continues to give freely with a smile on her face, a man assumes the score must be somewhat even. He does not realize that Venusians have the uncanny ability to give happily until the score is about thirty to zero. These insights also have practical applications for both men and women:
男人：謹記女人麵帶笑容給與時，並不表示分數接近相等。
For Men: Remember that when a woman gives with a smile on her face it doesn't necessarily mean the score is close to even.
女人：僅記你盡情給與時，男人得到的訊息是兩人分數相等。
For Women: Remember that when you give freely to a man, he gets the message the score is even.
如果你想要他多給點，你應該逐漸減少給與，讓他多為你做小事，以請求他支持來鼓勵他，記得事後要感謝他。
If you want to motivate him to give more, then gently and gracefully stop giving more. Allow him to do little things for you. Encourage him by asking for his support in little ways and then appreciating him.
三、男人一被請求就給與。
3. Martians Give When They Are Asked
男人以能夠自給自足為傲。除非必要，否則他們不會請求幫忙。在火星上，若別人不請求你就提供幫忙，是種魯莽的行為。
Martians pride themselves in being selfsufficient. They don't ask for help unless they really need it. On Mars it is rude to offer help unless you are first asked.
相反的，金星人一旦愛上某人，就會盡其所能的提供支持，她們不等人家開口請求，她們愈愛對方，提供的幫助就愈多。
Quite the opposite, Venusians don't wait to offer their support. When they love someone, they give in any way they can. They do not wait to be asked, and the more they love someone the more they give.
若是男人沒有提供支持，女人會誤以為他不愛她，她可能以不請求支持，等待他主動提供支持來考驗他的愛，萬一他不主動提供，她就對他生氣。她不知道他正在等待她向他請求。
When a man doesn't offer his support a woman mistakenly assumes he doesn't love her. She may even test his love by definitely not asking for his support and waiting for him to offer it. When he doesn't offer to help, she resents him. She does not understand that he is waiting to be asked.
如我們所知，保持分數相等對男人而言很重要。當男人覺得在關係中他給與很多時，他會想要求更多的支持，他自然覺得有資格收到支持，因此要求得更多。相反的，當他在關係中覺得給與少時，他就不會要求支持，但會想辦法給與對方更多支持。而當女人不請求支持時，男人會誤以為分數已相等，或他已給夠了，他也不知道她正等待他提供支持。
As we have seen, keeping the score even is important to a man. When a man feels he has given more in a relationship, he will instinctively begin to ask for more support; he naturally feels more entitled to receive and starts asking for more. On the other hand, when he has given less in a relationship, the last thing he is going to do is ask for more. Instinctively he will not ask for support but will look for ways that he might give more support. When a woman doesn't ask for support, a man mistakenly assumes the score must be even or that he must be giving more. He does not know that she is waiting for him to offer his support.
以下是對男女的實用建議：
This third insight has practical applications for both men and women
男人：謹記女人需要支持時不會直接講出來，她會期待你主動提供，以表明你的愛。練習用些小方法提供她愛的支持。
For Men: Remember that a woman instinctively does not ask for support when she wants it. Instead, she expects you to offer it if you love her. Practice offering to support her in little ways.
女人：謹記男人不斷地在尋找，暗示他何時及如何給與更多的線索。他等待被請求。
For Women: Remember that a man looks for cues telling him when and how to give more. He waits to be asked.
他似乎隻有在她要求更多和告訴他需要給的更多時，才得到必要的回饋。另外，她請求時，他才知道要給與什麽，但她如果不請求，許多男人就不知該怎麽做。甚至男人也知道自己給的少，但除非她用些小方法請求支持，否則他會把他的精力放在大事如工作上，他以為飛黃騰達、賺更多錢就是支持她的最佳方法。
He seems to get the necessary feedback only when she is asking for more or telling him he needs to give more. In addition, when she asks, he knows what to give. Many men don't know what to do. Even if a man senses he is giving less, unless she specifically asks for support in the little ways, he may devote even more of his energy to big things like work, thinking that greater success or more money will help.
四、即使分數不相等，女人也會說“好”。
4. Venusians Say Yes Even When the Score Is Uneven
男人不知道當他們請求支持時，即使分數不相等，女人也會說“好”，隻要能支持她們的男人，她們必全力以赴。但是隻要一覺得付出的比收到的多，她就會氣憤你沒提供更多的支持給她。
Men don't realize that when they ask for support, a woman will say yes even if the score is uneven. If they can support their man, they will. The concept of keeping score is not on her mind. Men have to be careful not to ask for too much. If she feels she is giving more than she is getting, after a while she will resent that you do not offer to support her more.
男人誤以為女人對他的要求說“好”時，她也平等地收到她所要的。分數分明不相等，他卻誤以為相等。
Men mistakenly assume that as long as she says yes to his needs and requests, she is receiving equally what she wants. He mistakenly assumes the score is even when it isn't.
我記得結婚前兩年，我每個星期帶太太去看一次電影，有天她很生氣地對我說：“我們總是按你的意思做事，從沒按我的意思做事。”我十分驚訝，以為她說“好”是因為和我一樣喜歡看電影，很高興每星期去一次電影院。
I remember taking my wife to the movies about once a week for the first two years of our marriage. One day she became furious with me and said, "We always do what you want to do. We never do what I want to do."
I was genuinely surprised. I thought that as long as she said yes and continued to say yes that she was equally happy with the situation. I thought she liked the movies as much as I did.
她偶爾會建議我去看城裏的歌劇或聽交響樂，當我們開車到表演場地時，她會再度提醒：“這歌劇風評很好，真想看。”
Occasionally she would suggest to me that the opera was in town or that she would like to go to the symphony. When we drove by the local playhouse, she would make a remark like 'That looks like fun, let's see that play."
幾天後我說：“我們去看電影，這電影很好。”
But then later in the week I would say, "Let's go to this movie, it's got a great review."
她很高興的說：“好。”
And she would happily say, "OK."
我又誤以為她和我一樣高興去看電影。事實上她是高興和我在一起，她真正想看的是本地的文化藝術活動，這是她一直提醒我的，但為了使我高興，她總答應一起去看電影，我沒想到她是犧牲了她想要的。
Mistakenly, I got the message that she was as happy as I was about going to the movies. In truth she was happy to be with me, the movie was OK, but what she wanted was to go to the local cultural events. That is why she kept mentioning them to me. But because she kept saying yes to the movies, I had no idea that she was sacrificing her wants to make me happy.
以下是對男女的實用建議：
This insight has practical applications for both men and women.
男人：謹記如果她對你的要求說“好”，並不表示分數相等。
For Men: Remember that if she says yes to your requests, it doesn't mean the score is even.
就算她心裏的分數是二十比零，她也會高興地說：“是，我正要拿你的衣服去洗。”或“好，我會替你打電話。”
The score may be twenty to zero 'm her mind and she will still happily say "Sure I'll pick up your clothes at the cleaners" or "OK, I'll make that call for you."
讚同你要做的並不表示那就是她要做的。問她想做什麽，搜集她感興趣的資訊，然後帶她去那些地方。
Agreeing to doing what you want doesn't mean that it 'S what she wants. Ask her what she wants to do. Collect information about what she likes, and then offer to take her to those places.
女人：僅記如果你對男人的要求馬上說“好”，他會以為已給的更多，或分數至少己相等。 如果你給的多，收到的少，就不要答應他的要求。反而要高興地請求他為你多做些事。
For Women: Remember that if you immediately say yes to a man's requests, he gets the idea that he has given more or that the score is at least even. If you are giving more and getting less, stop saying yes to his requests. Instead, in a graceful way, begin asking him to do more for you.
五、男人扣女人的分數。
5. Martians Give Penalty Points.
女人不知道當男人覺得沒有被愛與支持時，他會扣女人的分數。當女人對男人的反應是不信任、拒絕、否定或不感激時，他會給她負的分數或扣分。
Women don't realize that men give penalty points when they feel unloved and unsupported. When a woman reacts to a man in an untrusting, rejecting, disapproving, or unappreciative way, he gives minus or penalty points.
例如，男人若因太太沒有感激他所做的事而覺得受傷害，他會拿掉她原來已得的分數。如果她已得十分，他可能會把她的十分都拿走。如果他受的傷害更深，他甚至會給她負二十分，結果她由原來擁有十分變成欠他十分。
For example, if a man feels hurt or unloved because his wife has failed to appreciate something he's done, he feels justified in taking away the points she has already earned. If she has given ten, when he feels hurt by her, he may react to her* by taking away her ten points. If he is more hurt he may even give her a negative twenty. As a result she now owes him ten points, when a minute before she had ten points.
女人對這點十分困惑。她可能給出了相等的三十分，但男人一生氣，就把她的三十分拿掉了。他心裏認為不給她任何分數是對的，因為她擁有他，他認為這是公平的，但事實上卻很不公平。
This is very confusing to a woman. She may have given the equivalent of thirty points, and then in one angry moment he takes them away. In his mind he feels justified in not giving anything because she owes him. He thinks it is fair. This may be fair mathematically, but it is not really fair.
扣分會破壞關係，使女人覺得不受感激、男人付出的更少。如果她偶然出現否定的表達方式，他心裏也會否定她所給與的愛的支持，失去主動給與的力量，而變得被動。以下是對男女的實用建議。
Penalty points are destructive to relationships. They make a woman feel unappreciated and a man less giving. If he negates in his mind all the loving support she has given, when she does express some negativity, which is bound to happen occasionally, he then loses his motivation to give. He becomes passive. This fifth insight has practical applications for both men and women.
男人：僅記扣分不但不公平也無效。
For Men: Remember that penalty points are not fair and do not work.
當你覺得被冒犯或傷害時，原諒她，並記得她對你所有的好，而不要以否定來扣她分。以請求她給與你要的支持代替處罰，她將會順從你所要求的。以尊重的態度讓她知道她對你的傷害，然後給她道歉的機會，你會因給她支持你的機會而心裏好過一點。謹記她是金星人——她不知道你要什麽，也不知道如何傷害了你。
At moments when you feel unloved, offended, or hurt, forgive her and remember all the good she has given rather than penalize her by negating it all. Instead of punishing her, ask her for the support you want, and she will give it. Respectfully let her know how she has hurt you. Let her know how she has hurt you and then give her an opportunity to apologize. Punishment does not work! You will feel much better by giving her a chance to give you what you need. Remember she is a Venusian‑she doesn't know what you need or how she hurts you.
女人：謹記男人有扣分的傾向。
For Women: Remember that men have this tendency to give penalty points.
有兩個方法可保護你自已免於這種虐待：
There are two approaches to protect yourself from this abuse.
第一個方法是了解他拿掉你的分數是錯誤的。尊重地讓他知道你對此事的感覺。下一章將探討表達困難和消極感覺的方法。
The first approach is to recognize that he is wrong in taking away your points. In a respectful way let him know how you feel. In the next chapter we will explore ways to express difficult or negative feelings.
第二個方法是了解男人覺得沒有愛或被傷害時，會拿掉女人的分數，但隻要他感到被愛與支持，他馬上會把分數還回來。隻要他因做小事得到更多的愛，他的扣分就會愈來愈少。試著了解他對愛的不同需求，讓他免於傷害。
The second approach is to recognize he takes away points when he feels unloved and hurt and he immediately gives them back when he feels loved and supported. As he feels more and more loved for the little things he does, he will gradually give penalty points less and less. Try to understand the different ways he needs love so that he doesn't get hurt as much.
當你已了解他所受的傷害後，讓他知道你為此感到抱歉。最重要的是，給他他沒得到的愛。如果他覺得沒受到感激，給他需要的感激；如果他覺得被拒絕或被操縱，給他需要的接受；如果他覺得不被信任，給他需要的信任；如果他情緒不好，給他需要的讚美；如果他覺得不受肯定，給他需要和應得的肯定。若男人感受到愛，他會完全停止扣分。
When you are able to recognize how he has been hurt, let him know that you are sorry. Most important, then give him the love he didn't get. If he feels unappreciated, give him the appreciation he needs; if he feels rejected or m anipulated, give him the acceptance he needs; if he feels mistrusted, give him the trust he needs; if he feels put down, give him the admiration that he needs; if he feels disapproval, give him the approval he needs and deserves. When a man feels loved he will quit using penalty points.
以上過程最困難的部分是知道是什麽傷害了他。通常男人孤立地到他的洞穴時，他不知道是什麽傷害了他，等他出來後，通常也不談此事。那麽女人如何能知道真正傷害他感覺的是什麽？讀這本書，了解男人對愛的不同需要是很好的啟蒙。
The most difficult part of the above process is knowing what hurt him. For the most part, when a man withdraws into his cave, he doesn't know what hurt him. Then, when he comes out, he generally doesn't talk about it. How is a woman supposed to know what actually hurts his feelings? Reading this book and understanding how men need love differently is a good beginning and gives you an edge that women have never had before.
女人要學習了解男人受傷害的另一個方法是溝通。如先前所提，女人愈能以尊重的態度開放分享她的感覺，男人就愈能開放分享他的傷害和痛苦。
The other way a woman can learn what happened is through communication. As I have mentioned before, the more a woman is able to open up and share her feelings in a respectful way, the more a man is able to learn to open up and share his hurt and pain.
男人為感激加分
NOW MEN GIVE POINTS
男人的給分法和女人不同。每次女人因男人為她做事而感激他時，他就會覺得被愛，然後給她一分以回報。對男人而言，除了愛以外，他不要求任何事，女人不知她們的愛有這麽大的力量，卻花費許多不必要的時間做超出自己能負荷的事，以贏得男人的愛。
Men give points differently from women. Every time a woman appreciates what a man has done for her, he feels loved and gives her a point in return. To keep the score even in a relationship, a man really doesn't require anything but love. Women don't realize the power of their love and many times unnecessarily seek to earn a man's love by doing more things for him than they want to do.
當女人感激男人為她做的事時，男人就得到了他需要的愛。謹記男人基本的需要是感激。當然，男人在做家常瑣事時，也需要女人對等的參與，但他如果沒有受到感激，她的參與反而會顯得沒有意義，對他完全不重要。
When a woman appreciates what a man does for her, he gets much of the love he needs. Remember, men primarily need appreciation. Certainly a man also requires equal participation from a woman in doing the domestic duties of day‑to‑day life, but if he is not appreciated, then her contribution is nearly meaningless and completely unimportant to him.
同樣的，男人若沒有替女人做許多小事，女人也不會感激他為她做的大事，男人應做許多小事以滿足她被照顧、被了解和被尊重的基本需求。
Similarly, a woman cannot appreciate the big things a man does for her unless he is also doing a lot of little things. Doing a lot of litde things fulfills her primary needs to feel cared for, understood, and respected.
男人愛情的主要來源是女人對他行為的反應。他也有愛槽，但他的愛槽不必靠著她為他做事來注滿，而是靠她對他的反應或對他的感謝來注滿。
A major source of love for a man is the loving reaction that a woman has to his behavior. He has a love tank too, but his is not necessarily filled by what she does for him. Instead it is mainly filled by how she reacts to him or how‑ she feels about him.
女人為男人準備晚飯，他給她一分或十分完全依據她對他的感覺，如果她對他生氣，他可能會給她很少的分數，甚至給負分。
When a woman prepares a meal for a man, he gives her one point or ten points, depending on how she is feeling toward hirn. If a woman secretly resents a man, a meal she may cook for him will mean very litde to him‑he may even give minus points because she was resenting him
滿足男人的秘密是學習透過你的感覺去表達愛，而不必透過你的行動。
The secret to fulfilling a man lies in learning to express love through your feelings, not necessarily through your actions.
有一個哲學性說法：女人覺得被愛時，她的行為會自動表達；而男人以愛的行為表達自己時，他的感覺會自動跟著行為走，變得更有愛。
Philosophically speaking, when a woman feels loving, her behavior will automatically express that love. When a man expresses himself in loving behavior, automatically his feelings will follow' and become more loving.
男人即使對女人沒有愛的感覺，他也可以決定為她做些愛的舉動。如果他的表現被收到與感激，他會開始對她產生愛。“行動”是男人引燃愛苗的好方法。
Even if a man is not feeling his love for a woman, he can still decide to do something loving for her. If his offering is received and appreciated, then he will begin to feel his love for her again. Doing" is an excellent way to prime a man's love pump.
然而，女人卻十分不同。如果女人沒有感到愛、關心、了解或尊重，她就不覺得自己被愛，這反而會燃起她的憤怒。她會將精力直接放在治療消極感覺上，並決定不再付出更多。
However, women are very different. A woman generally does not feel loved if she doesn't feel cared about, understood, or respected. Making a decision to do something more for her partner Will not help her feel more loving. Instead it may actually fuel her resentment. When a woman is not feeling her loving feelings, she needs to focus her energies directly on healing her negative feelings and definitely not on doing more.
男人必須排出“愛的行為”的優先順序，確信符合配偶的愛情需求。此舉可使兩人都打開心胸，感受更多的愛。當男人成功的滿足女人時，他的心胸就開放了。
A man needs to prioritize "loving behavior," for this will ensure that his partner's love needs are met. It will open her heart and also open his heart to feel more loving. A man's heart opens as he succeeds in fulfilling a woman.
女人必須排定“愛的態度與感覺”的優先順序，以確信滿足了配偶的愛情需求。當女人能夠向男人表達她的愛情態度和感覺時，他會想主動給與更多，女人也會更開放心胸。她的開放心胸使她能夠得到需要的支持。
A woman needs to prioritize "loving attitudes and feelings." which will ensure that her partner's love needs are fulfilled. As a woman is able to express loving attitudes and feelings toward a man, he feels motivated to give more. This then assists her in opening her heart even more. A woman's heart opens more as she is able to get the support she needs.
男人真正需要愛時，女人有時不知，此時女人的表現可使得分高達二十到三十分。以下有些例子：
Women are sometimes unaware of when a man really needs love. At such times a woman can score twenty to thirty points. These are some examples:
女人如何得高分
NOW WOMEN CAN SCORE BIG WITH MEN
事件（他給她的分數）
What happens Points he gives her
1.他犯錯時，她沒有說：“我告訴過你。”或立即提供忠告。10-20
2.他令她失望，但她沒有責怪他。10-20
3.他開車時迷路了，她沒當一回事。10-20
4.他迷路，她當成是件好事，說：“如果不是走錯路，我們還看不到這漂亮的落日呢！”20-30
5.他忘了順路帶回某些東西，她說：“沒關係，下次記得帶回來。”10-20
6.他又忘了帶某些東西回來，她用耐心、信任的口氣說：“沒關係。”20-30
7.當她傷害了他又能了解他的傷害時，她向他道歉並給他需要的愛。10-40
8.她請求支持，但他說不，她不因他的拒絕而受傷害，反而相信隻要他能，他一定可給與支持。她沒有拒絕他或否定他。10-20
9.她又請求他支持，他再度說不。這時，她沒有讓他覺得他錯了，轉而接受他有他的局限性。23-30
10.當他以為分數已將近相等時，她請求他支持，不帶強求口吻。1-5
I. He makes a mistake and she doesn't say "I told you so" or offer advice. I0‑20
2. He disappoints her and she doesn't punish hirn. I0‑20
3. He gets lost while driving and she doesn't make a big deal out of it. I0‑20
4. He gets lost and she sees the good in the situation and says "We would never have seen this beautiful sunset if we had taken the most direct route." 20‑30
5. He forgets to pick up something and she says It's OK. Would you do it next time you are out?" I0‑20
6. He forgets to pick up something again and she says with trusting patience and persistence It's OK.Would you still get it?" 20‑30
7. When she has hurt him and she nderstands his hurt, she apologizes and gives him the love e needs.I0‑40
8. She asks for his support and he ays no and she is not hurt by his rejection but trusts that he would if he could. She does not reject him or disapprove of him. I0‑20
9. Another time she asks for his support and he again says no. She does not make him feel wrong but accepts his limitations at that time. 20‑30
I0. She asks for his support without being demanding when he assumes the score is somewhat even. I‑5
11.當她難過時，她不帶強求口吻地請求支持，或他知道她已付出很多。10-30
12.他孤立時，她沒有讓他覺得內疚。10-20
13.他從洞穴回來時，她歡迎他，沒有責備也沒有拒絕。10-20
14.他為錯誤道歉，她以愛和原諒接受。他犯的錯愈大，他給的分數愈多。10-50
15.他要求她做某些事，她說不，但沒列出一大堆理由。1-10
16.他要求她做某些事，她心情愉快地答應。1-10
17.吵架後，他想和好如初，開始為她做些小事，她也表示了對他的感激。10-30
18.他回家時，她很高興看到他。10-20
19.她覺得沒有受到肯定，但沒有表達出來，而是到另一個房間調整自己，然後以愛心回到他身邊。10-20
20.在特殊場合，她故意忽視他所犯下的可能引起她難過的錯誤。20-40
II. She asks for support without being demanding when she is upset or he knows she has been giving more. I0‑30
I2. When he withdraws she doesn't make him feel guilty I0‑20
I3. When he comes back from his cave she welcomes him and doesn't punish him or reject him. I0‑20
I4. When he apologizes for a mistake and she receives it with loving acceptance and forgiveness. The bigger the mistake he makes the more points he gives. I0‑50
I5. When he asks her to do something and she says no without giving a list of reasons why she can't do it.I‑I0
I6. When he asks her to do something and she says yes and stays in a good mood. I‑I0
I7. When he wants to make up after a fight and starts doing little things for her and she starts appreciating him again. I0‑30
I8. She is happy to see him when he gets Home. I0‑20
I9. She feels disapproving and instead of expressing it she goes in another room and privately centers herself and then comes back with a more centered and loving heart. I0‑20
20. On special occasions she overlooks his mistakes that might normally upset her. 20‑40
21.她真正喜歡與他享受性愛。10-40
22.他忘記鑰匙放在哪裏，她沒有把他當成沒責任的人。10-20
23.當他帶她上餐館或看電影時，她很技巧或愉悅地表達她的失望或不喜歡。10-20
24.他開車或停車時，她沒有給忠告，事後還感謝他到達目的地。10-20
25.她請求他的幫忙而不數落他的錯誤。10-20
26.她平靜地表達她的消極感覺，沒有責怪、拒絕或否定他。10-40
2I. She really enjoys having sex with him. I0‑40
22. He forgets where he put his keys and she doesn't look at him as though he was irresponsible. I0‑20
23. She is tactful or graceful in expressing her dislike or disappointment about a restaurant or movie when on a date. I0‑20
24. She doesn't give advice when he is driving or parking the car and then appreciates him for getting them there. I0‑20
25. She asks for his support rather than dwelling on what he has done wrong. I0‑20
26. She shares her negative feelings in a centered way without blaming, rejecting, or being disapproving of him. I0‑40
When a Woman Con Score More Points
以上每個例子都泄露了男人和女人不同的記分法，但女人不需要做到以上所有的要求，這些例子是說明他最脆弱的時候，如果她能支持他的需要，他給分就會很慷慨。
Each of the above examples reveals how men score points differently from women. But a woman is not requited to do all of the above. This list reveals those times when he is most vulnerable. If she can be supportive m giving him what he needs he will be very generous in giving points.
低姿態看龍卷風
女人在困難時刻給與愛的能力就像波浪起伏。當女人給與愛的能力增加時(在波浪的高點)，也就是她能獲得許多加分的時候。
As I mentioned in chapter 7, a woman's ability to give love at difficult times fluctuates like a wave. When a woman's ability to give love is increasing (during the upswing of her wave) is the time when she can score many bonus points. She should not expect herself to be as loving at other times.
正如女人給與愛的能力會波動，男人對愛的需求也會波動。在以上每個例子中，男人給分沒有固定的數目，而是有個彈性範圍；他愈需要她的愛時，會給她愈多的分數。
Just as a woman's ability to give love fluctuates, a man's need for love fluctuates. In each of the above examples, there is no fixed amount for how many points a man gives. Instead there is an approximate range; when his need for her love is greater he tends to give her more points.
例如，當他犯錯或害羞時，更需要她的愛，因此隻要她的反應很支持，他就會給很多分。犯的錯愈大，他給她的愛愈多分。如果他沒有收到她的愛，他會扣她分數，若他因犯大錯受拒絕，他會扣她許多分。
For example, if he has made a mistake and feels embarrassed, sorry, or ashamed, then he needs her love more; therefore he gives more points if she responds by being supportive. The bigger the mistake, the more points he gives her for her love. If he doesn't receive her love he tends to give her penalty points according to how much he needed her love. If he feels rejected as the result of a big mistake he may give a lot of penalty points.
WHAT MAKES MEN DEFENSIVE
當男人犯錯或害羞時，更需要她的愛……他犯的錯愈大，給的分數就愈多。當女人因男人犯錯而難過時，男人可能會很生氣。他的生氣與他所犯的錯誤大小成正比，小錯誤隻使他稍微自衛，大錯誤則使他的防禦心很強。有時女人不了解為何男人不為他的大錯誤道歉，原來他是怕她不原諒他。他會因她的難過而惱羞成怒，扣她的分數。
A man may become so angry at a woman when he has made the mistake and the woman is upset. His upset is proportional to the size of his mistake. A little mistake makes him less defensive, while a big mistake makes him much more defensive. Sometimes women wonder why a man doesn't say he is sorry for a big mistake. The answer is he is afraid of not being forgiven. It is too painful to acknowledge that he has failed her in some way. Instead of saying he is sorry he may become angry with her for being upset and give ber penalty points.
當男人處在消極狀態時......以低姿態對待他，視他為過境的龍卷風。
當男人處在消極狀態時，她若能以低姿態將他視為過境的龍卷風，風過後，他會因她沒怪罪他或試圖改變他而給她豐厚的加分。若她試圖使龍卷風停息，隻會造成大混亂，他會責備她的阻擾。
When a man is in negative state, if she can treat him like a passing tornado and lie low, after the tornado has passed he will give her an abundance of bonus points for not making him wrong or for not trying to change him. If she tries to stop the tornado it will create havoc, and he will blame her for interfering.
對許多女人來說，這是個新的觀點，因為在金星上，當某人難過時，金星人從不會忽視她或考慮采低姿態。金星上沒有龍卷風，某人難過時，金星人都聚在一起，問許多問題以了解她為何困擾，相反的，龍卷風過境火星時，火星人都尋找溝渠蹲下來。
This is a new insight for many woman because on Venus when someone is upset the Venusians never ignore her or even consider lying low. Tornadoes don't exist on Venus. When someone is upset everyone gets involved with one another and tries to understand what is bothering her by asking a lot of questions. When a tornado passes on Mars everyone finds a ditch and lies low.
WHEN MEN GIVE PENALTY POINTS
了解男人不同的記分法對女人很有幫助。男人扣分使女人困惑，不敢分享她們的感覺，當然，如果所有男人都能了解扣分的不公平，並在一夜之間改變該有多好，但改變是需要時間的。不管如何，能讓女人安心的是，男人會像扣分那麽快地把扣分收回去。
It helps greatly when women understand that men score points differently. That men give penalty points is very confusing to women and doesn't make it safe for women to share their feelings. Certainly, it would be wonderful if an men could see how unfair penalty points are and change overnight‑but change takes time. What can be reassuring for a woman, however, is to know that just as a man quickly gives out the penalty points he also takes them back.
REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES
男人扣分就像女人付出比他多時的憤怒感覺，她從自己的分數中減掉他的分數，給他零分。此時，男人隻要了解她患了氣憤流行性感冒，給她更多的愛就行了。同樣地，男人扣分時，女人就了解他有他自己的氣憤流行性感冒，他需要更多的愛以痊愈。女人給了他愛，他會給她加分，以使分數再一次相等。
A man giving penalty points is similar to a woman feeling resentful when she gives more than he does. She subtracts his score from hers and gives him a zero. At such times a man can just be understanding that she is sick with the resentment flu and give her some extra love. Similarly, when a man is giving penalty points, a woman can realize that he has his own version of resentment flu. He needs some extra love so he can get better. As a result, he immediately gives her bonus points to even the score again.
透過學習男人如何給高分，女人在男人冷淡或受傷害時有了新的支持能力，她可由她應做的小事中(一百零一條妙方)，更成功地把精力集中在給與他所需的。
Through learning how to score big with a man, a woman has a new edge for supporting her man when he seems distant and hurt. Instead of doing little things for him (from the fist. I0I Ways to Score Points with a Woman, page I80), which is what she would want, she can more successfully focus her energies in giving him what he wants (as fisted in How Women Can Score Big with Mel, page I99).
男女都可由了解雙方記分法的不同而獲得很大的利益。改善關係不必花額外的精力，也不要害怕困難。隻要我們學習如何將精力直接放在配偶會全心感激的方向上，關係就能維持得十分美好。
Both men and women can benefit greatly by remembering how differently we keep score. Improving a relationship takes no more energy than we are already expending and doesn't have to be terribly difficult. relationships are exhausting until we learn how to direct our energies into the ways that our partner can fully appreciate.
