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第九章 學習避免爭論
愛情關係中最困難的挑戰，是如何掌握彼此的不同與意見不合。常常，當夫妻對他們討論的事意見不合時就演變成爭論，而不知不覺間變成戰鬥，這時候他們突然停止以愛的方式說話，開始彼此傷害：責罵、抱怨、控訴、要求、憤恨、猜疑。
One of the most difficult challenges in our loving relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often when couples disagree their discussions can turn into arguments and then without much warning into battles. Suddenly they stop talking in a loving manner and automatically begin hurting each other: blaming, complaining, accusing, demanding, resenting, and doubting.
男女這樣爭論，不僅傷害彼此的感覺，也傷害這份關係。正如同溝通是關係中最重要的因素，爭論也可以是關係中最具破壞性的因素，因為我們與某人愈親近，就愈容易傷害他或被傷害。
Men and women arguing in this way hurt not only their feelings but also their relationship. just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element, because the closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or be bruised.
如同溝通是關係中最重要的因素，爭論也可以是關係中最具破壞性的因素。
基於各種實際的目的，我堅決反對夫妻發生爭執。如果兩個人沒有性關係，在爭執或辯論時，很容易客觀地分開立場；但當兩個有感情關係尤其是有性關係的人，爭執起來就容易公私不分。
For all practical purposes I strongly recommend that couples not argue. When two people are not sexually involved it is a lot easier to remain detached and objective while arguing or debating. But when couples argue who are emotionally involved and especially sexually involved, they easily take things too personally.
因此我建議處理這種情況的基本方針是：絕不爭論。討論事情的優缺點，協商彼此的需要，但不要爭執。以誠實、坦白表達負向感覺，而不爭執或抗爭，是有可能做到的。
As a basic guideline: never argue. Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. Negotiate for what you want but don't argue. It is possible to be honest, open, and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting.
有些夫妻無時不在吵架，他們心中的愛逐漸枯萎。有些夫妻為了避免衝突和爭論，極力壓抑自己真正的感覺，結果失去與愛接觸的機會。前一個例子是熱戰，後一個例子是冷戰。夫妻最好能夠在這兩個極端間找出平衡點。若能記著男女是從不同的星球來，而用心發展出良好的溝通技巧，就能夠避免爭執，也不必壓抑負麵的感覺和衝突的意見與欲望。
Some couples fight all the time, and gradually their love dies. On the other extreme, some couples suppress their honest feelings in order to avoid conflict and not argue. As a result of suppressing their true feelings they lose touch with their loving feelings as well. One couple is having a war while the other is having a cold war. It is best for a couple to find a balance between these two extremes. By remembering we are from different planets and thus developing good communication skills, it is possible to avoid arguments without suppressing negative feelings and conflicting ideas and desires.
爭論的下場
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARGUE
如果不了解男女的不同，便很容易引起爭端，這不但傷害配偶也傷害自己。避免爭端的秘密是以愛和尊重彼此溝通。
Without understanding how men and women are different it is very easy to get into arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves. The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication.
男女的不同及意見不合並不會傷人，理論上：爭論不一定是有害的，它可以是傳達彼此不同意見的對話(無可避免地，夫妻有時一定會意見不合)。但實際上，大多數夫妻在爭論一件事後，不到五分鍾，又會以同樣的方式為另一件事爭論。
The differences and disagreements don't hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements. (Inevitably all couples will have differences and disagree at times.) But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.
他們在不知不覺間傷害彼此，一個原本無傷害力，可以輕易化解的爭論漸漸升高為戰鬥，那個時候他們往往拒絕接受或了解配偶的意見。
Unknowingly they begin hurting each other; what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner's point of view because of the way they are being approached.
解決爭執必須擴展或延伸我們的意見去包容、整合另一個意見。而我們在受到感激和尊重時才能做這樣的延伸，如果配偶的態度沒有愛，我們的自尊會因采取他的意見而受傷害。
Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point‑of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner's attitude is unloving, our self‑esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view.
多數夫妻在爭論一件事後，不到五分鍾，又會以同樣的方式為另一件事爭論。
我們與人愈親密，就愈難客觀地聽取他們的意見。為了保護出自己免於不受尊重與肯定，我們會采自動防禦抗拒他們的意見，就算同意他們的看法，我們也可能會固執地和他們爭論。
The more intimate we are with someone, the more difficult it is objectively to hear their point of view without reacting to their negative feelings. To protect ourselves from feeling worthy of their disrespect or disapproval automatic defenses come up to resist their point of view. Even if we agree with their point of view, we may stubbornly persist in arguing with them.
為何爭論會傷人
WHY ARGUMENTS HURT
傷害不是因為我們說了什麽所造成，而是因我們是怎麽說的。男人受到挑戰時，他的注意力會都集中在對與錯上，而忘了表現愛，此時他體貼、尊重的溝通能力和安慰的口氣自然會減退，他不知道自己的聲音是多麽不體貼又多麽傷害配偶。此時，一個單純的意見不合可能聽起來都像在攻擊女人；要求也變成了命令。女人在此情況下自然會反抗這種沒有愛心的方法。
It is not what we say that hurts but bow we say it. Quite commonly when a man feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases. He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner. At such times, a simple disagreement may sound like an attack to a woman; a request turns into an order. Naturally a woman feels resistant to this unloving approach, even when she would be otherwise receptive to the content of what he was saying.
男人因不體貼的說話方式傷了女人，卻又告訴女人為何她不該難過。他誤以為她是反對他的意見，而不知道是自己缺乏愛心的說話方式使她難過，他因不了解她的反應，而更加解釋他所說的正確性，卻不知要調整的是他的說話方式。
A man unknowingly hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assumes she is resisting the content of his point of view, when really his unloving delivery is what upsets her. Because he does not understand her reaction, he focuses more on explaining the merit of what he is saying instead of correcting the way he is saying it.
他不知道是他在揭開爭論的序幕，他以為她在和他爭執。女人保護自己免於受男人尖銳的表現方式傷害時，男人也同時在保護自己的意見。
He has no idea that be is starting an argument; he thinks she is arguing with him. He defends his point of view while she defends herself from his sharpened expressions, which are hurtful to her.
男人如果沒有尊敬女人受傷害的感覺，就等於是更加深她的傷害，但他卻難以了解，因為他對自己不關心的言語聲調並不敏感，因此，男人可能不知道他對配偶的傷害有多深，也不知道是自己激起她的反抗。同樣的，女人也不知道她們對男人造成了多大的傷害。女人一旦感受到挑戰，她講話的聲調馬上就變成不信任和拒絕。拒絕使男人受傷，尤其是當他陷在感情中時。
When a man neglects to honor a woman's hurt feelings he inval‑ idates them and increases her hurt. It is hard for him to understand her hurt because he is not as vulnerable to uncaring comments and tones. Consequently, a man may not even realize how much he is hurting his partner and thus provoking her resistance. Similarly, women don't realize how they are hurtful to men. Unlike a man, when a woman feels challenged the tone of her speech automatically becomes increasingly mistrusting and rejecting. This kind of rejection is more hurtful to a man, especially when he is emotionally involved.
女人因說出對配偶行為的不滿和給與非請求的忠告，而挑起並擴大爭論。如果女人不以信任與接受的訊息調和她的消極感受，男人必定也會消極回應，留給女人一大堆迷惑。她同樣也不知道她對他的不信任帶給了他多大的傷害。
Women start and escalate arguments by first sharing negative feelings about their partner's behavior and then by giving unsolicited advice. When a women neglects to buffer her negative feelings with messages of trust and acceptance, a man responds negatively, leaving the woman confused. Again she is unaware of how hurtful her mistrust is to him.
為了避免爭論，必須牢記：配偶抗拒的不是我們說了什麽，而是我們如何說。爭論一定要兩個人才能引發，但停止爭論隻需一個人即可做到。停止爭論最好的方法是及時防止問題的發生。
To avoid arguing we need to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying but to how we are saying it. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument. The best way to stop an argument is to nip it in the bud.
當意見不合變成爭論時，你可以負起分辨的責任，停止談話，暫時休息一下，反省你是如何對待配偶，試著了解你是否沒給與對方所需要的，然後過些時候再日來談，但要存著愛心和尊重的態度。暫時休息可使我們的情緒冷靜下來、治療創傷，在溝通之前先整理自己。
Take responsibility for recognizing when a disagreement is turning into an argument. Stop talking and take a time‑out. Reflect on how you are approaching your partner. Try to understand how you are not giving them what they need. Then, after some time has passed, come back and talk again but in a loving and respectful way. Time‑outs allow us to cool off, heal our wounds, and center ourselves before trying to communicate again.
配偶抗拒的不是我們說了什麽，而是我們如何說。
THE FOUR FI FOR AVOIDING HURT
四種避免受傷害的態度運用四種態度使自己在爭論中免於受傷害，分別是：吵架、逃避、假裝、隱藏。這些態度隻能使你短暫獲益，如長期使用必會有反效果。現在分別探討如下：
There are basically four stances that individuals take to avoid getting hurt in arguments. They are the four f's: fight, flight, fake, and fold. Each of these stances offers a short‑term gain, but in the long run they are all counterproductive. Let's explore each of these positions.
一、吵架。這個態度發源於男人。當對話變成沒有愛心、沒有支持時，有些人就開始吵架，他們立刻展開攻擊態度，這些人的座右銘是“最強的攻擊就是最好的防禦”。他們以責罵、判斷、批評使配偶以為自己犯了錯，他們傾向於以咆哮來表達氣憤。內在動機是想脅迫配偶愛他們、支持他們。當配偶讓步時，他們以為自己贏了，事實上反而是輸了。
I. Fight. This stance definitely comes from Mars. When a conversation becomes unloving and unsupportive some individuals instinctively begin to fight. They immediately move into an offensive stance. Their motto is "the best defense is a strong offense." They strike out by blaming, judging, criticizing, and making their partner look wrong. They tend to start yelling and express lots of anger. Their inner motive is to intimidate their partner into loving and supporting them. When their partner backs down, they assume they have won, but in truth they have lost.
脅迫永遠會使兩人之間的關係更缺乏信任。
脅迫永遠會使兩人之間的關係更缺乏信任。以讓別人似乎犯錯的方法強行獲取所需，必然會使關係破裂。夫妻吵架會使他們逐漸失去開放的能力，女人封閉以保護自己，男人則冷漠且停止關懷，彼此之間逐漸失去最初的親密。
Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship. To muscle your way into getting what you want by making others look wrong is a sure way to fall in a relationship. When couples fight they gradually lose their ability to be open and vulnerable. Women dose up to protect themselves and men shut down and stop caring as much. Gradually they lose whatever intimacy they had in the beginning.
二、逃避。這個態度也是發源於男人。男人為了避免對抗，可能會退回他們的洞穴，永遠不出來。這好像是冷戰，他們拒絕談話，沒有一件事得到解決，這個主動的侵略行為和先前所談到的略作休息後再回來，以愛心交談、解決問題的方式截然不同。
2. Flight This stance also come from Mars. To avoid con frontation Martians may retire into their caves and never come out. This is like a cold war They refuse to talk and nothing gets resolved. This passiveaggressive behavior is not the same as taking a time‑out and then coming back to talk and resolve things in a more loving fashion.
這些火星人害怕對抗，寧可采低姿態以避免談任何可能引起爭論的話題。在關係裏，他們是踩在蛋殼上，一觸即破裂。
These Martians are afraid of confrontation and would rather he low and avoid talking about any topics that may cause an argument. They walk on eggshells in a relationship. Women commonly complain they have to walk on eggshells, but men do also. It is so ingrained in men that they don't even realize how much they do it.
有些夫妻寧可不再談意見不合的事，而不願發生爭論。他們獲取所需的方式是以抑製愛來處罰配偶，他們不像吵架的人那樣直接傷害配偶，而是以慢慢剝奪他們應得的愛來間接傷害他們。抑製愛必然會使配偶對我們付出得更少。
Rather than arguing, some couples will simply stop talking about their disagreements. Their way of trying to get what they want is to punish their partner by withholding love. They do not come out and directly hurt their partners, like the fighters. Instead they indirectly hurt them by slowly depriving them of the love they deserve. By withholding love our partners are sure to have less to give us.
短期的獲益是平靜與和諧，但如果事情沒有講開，感覺沒說出來，氣憤必定會繼續衍生，以長期來看，他們會失去使他們當初結合在一起的熱情與愛情。他們通常會以過度工作、飲食或其他耽溺行為，來麻醉未解決的痛苦感覺。
The short‑term gain is peace and harmony, but if issues are not being talked about and feelings are not being heard then resentmerits will build. In the long run, they lose touch with the passionate and loving feelings that drew them together. They generally use overworking, overeating, or other addictions as a way to numb their unresolved painful feelings.
三、假裝。這個態度則根源於女人。為了避免對抗可能造成的傷害，就假裝什麽問題也沒發生，她瞼上掛著笑，似乎每件事她都同意，看起來也很快樂。一段時間後，這個女人會愈來愈氣憤，她們總是對配偶付出，卻沒有得到回饋。氣憤的情緒逐漸阻隔了愛的表達。
3. Fake. This stance comes from Venus. To avoid being hurt in a confrontation this person pretends that there is no problem. She puts a smile on her face and appears to be very agreeable and happy with everything. Over time, however, these women become increasingly resentful; they are always giving to their partner but they do not get what they need in return. This resentment blocks the natural expression of love.
她們害怕公開感覺，試圖使每件事看起來都“很好”，男人以為這是讚美，女人卻認為這表示某些事已經很不一樣了。他以為是：“很好，因為我能獨力完成。”或“很好，因為我知道該做什麽。”或“很好，因為我正掌握這件事，不需要任何幫忙。”女人則把這種讚美視為避免衝突或爭論的訊號。
They are afraid to be honest about their feelings, so they try to make everything "all right, OK, and fine." Men commonly use these phrases, but for them they mean something completely different. He means "It is OK because I am dealing with it alone" or "It's all right because I know what to do" or "It's fine because I am handling it, and I don't need any help." Unlike a man, when a woman uses these phrases it may be a sign that she is trying to avoid a conflict or argument.
為了避免關係動搖，女人會欺騙自己相信每件事都很好，但事實卻不然。為了避免可能發生的衝突，她會犧牲或克製自己的需要與感覺。
To avoid making waves, a woman may even fool herself and believe that everything is OK, fine, and all right when it really isn't. She sacrifices or denies her wants, feelings, and needs to avoid the possibility of conflict.
四、隱藏。這個態度也發源於女人。女人寧可付出，也不願爭論。她們願意受責罵，並對配偶的難過負責。短期看來，她們創造一個非常具有愛與支持的關係，但最後卻失去了自己。
4. Fold. This stance also comes from Venus. Rather than argue this person gives in. They will take the blame and assume responsibility for whatever Is upsetting their partner. In the short run they create what looks like a very loving and supportive relationship, but they end up losing themselves.
有個男人曾向我抱怨他的太太。他說：“我很愛她，她給我所有我想要的。我唯一的抱怨是她不快樂。”他的太太為了丈夫克製了自己二十年。他們從不吵架，如果你問她有關他們的關係，她會說：“我們關係很好，我的丈夫人很好。我們唯一的問題是我，我不知道為什麽總是覺得沮喪。”事實上，她沮喪是因為她克製自己，讓自己當了二十年的順民。
A man once complained to me about his wife. He said, "I love her so much. She gives me everything I want. My only complaint Is she is not happy." His wife had spent twenty years denying herself for her husband. They never fought, and if you asked her about her relationship she would say "We have a great relationship. My husband is so loving. Our only problem is me. I am depressed and I don't know why." She is depressed because she has denied herself by being agreeable for twenty years.
這些人能察知配偶的要求，然後把自己塑造成能取悅配偶的模子，最後，她們氣自己因愛而放棄了自己。任何形式的拒絕都使人痛苦萬分，因為她們正在拒絕自己。她們不計代價避免拒絕，想因此得到愛，但是在這個過程裏，真正被放棄的卻是她們本來的麵目。
To please their partners these people intuitively sense their partners' desires and then mold themselves in order to please. Eventually they resent having to give up themselves for love.Any form of rejection is very painful because they are already rejecting themselves so much. They seek to avoid rejection at all costs and want to be loved by all. In this process they literally give up who they are.
你可能發現自己具有這四種態度中的一種。通常人們會從一種態度換成另一種態度，每一種都是為了保護自己免於受傷害，不幸的是，這一點效果也沒有。唯一有效的是分辨爭論之重點，並停止爭論，暫作休息，讓自己冷靜下來再回來繼續談。以了解和尊重異性的態度來練習溝通，你會逐漸學到如何避免爭論和吵架。
You may have found yourself in one of these four f's or in many of them. People commonly move from one to the other. In each of the above four strategies our intention is to protect ourselves from being hurt. Unfortunately, it does not work. What works is to identify arguments and stop. Take a time‑out to cool off and then come back and talk again. Practice communicating with increased understanding and respect for the opposite sex and you will gradually learn to avoid arguments and fights.
為什麽爭論
WHY WE ARGUE
男女通常為了錢、性、決定、安排時間、價值、孩子的教養、家事責任等問題爭論。隻有一個理由會使以上的“商量”轉成痛苦的“爭論”，那是覺得沒有被愛。沒有被愛的感覺使我們的情感非常痛苦，而當一個人情感痛苦時，也難以去愛人。
Men and women commonly argue about money, sex, decisions, scheduling, values, child rearing, and household responsibilities. These discussions and negotiations, however, turn into painful arguments for only one reason‑we are not feeling loved. Emotional pain comes from not feeling loved, and when a person is feeling emotional pain it is hard to be loving.
因為女人不是從火星來，她們無法直接感覺出男人為了擺平意見不合而需要些什麽。衝突的意見、感覺及欲望是男人最困難的挑戰，他與女人愈親近，就愈難處理兩人的不同與意見不合。如果她不喜歡他所做的某些事，他會以為是因為她不喜歡他，所以才不喜歡他做的事。
Because women are not from Mars, they do not instinctively realize what a man needs in order to deal successfully with disagree merits. Conflicting ideas, feelings, and desires are a difficult challenge for a man. The closer he is to a woman, the harder it is to deal with differences and disagreements. When she doesn't like something he has done, he tends to take it very personally and feels she doesn't like him.
當男人的情感需求獲得滿足時，他就能夠掌握兩人的不同與意見不合的時候。但當他愛的需求被剝奪時，他會防禦自己，表現出陰暗的一麵，直覺地拔出他的劍。表麵上，他似乎是為事情爭論(錢、責任等等)，但他拔劍的真正理由是沒有感受到愛。當男人爭論錢、安排日期、孩子或其他事時，他們背地裏可能是為以下的理由而爭論。
A man can handle differences and disagreements best when his emotional needs are being fulfilled. When he is deprived of the love he needs , however, he becomes defensive and his dark side begins to emerge; instinctively he draws his sword. On the surface he may seem to be arguing about the issue (money, responsibilities, and so forth), but the real reason he has drawn his sword is he doesn't feel loved. When a man argues about money, scheduling, children, or any other issue, secretly he may be arguing for some of the following reasons:
男人爭論的潛在理由
THE SECRET REASONS MEN ARGUE
他爭論的潛在原因 如何使他不爭論
The hidden reason he is arguinging What he needs not to argue
1.“我不喜歡她因芝麻小事而難過。那 1.他需要她接受他做事的方式，不要試圖改進他
會使我覺得受到批評、拒絕和不接受。”
I. "I don't like it when she gets I. He needs to feel accepted just
upset over the smallest things I do the way he is. Instead he feels she
is or don't do. I feel criticized, trying to improve him.
rejected, and unaccepted."
2.“我不喜歡她告訴我該怎麽做。我覺得沒 2.他需要受讚美，而不是受壓製。
有受到讚美，卻受到像孩子般的對待。”
2. "I don't like it when she starts 2. He needs to feel admired.
telling me how I should do Instead he feels put down.
things. I don't feel admired.
Instead I feel like I am being
treated like a child."
3.“我不喜歡她一不高興就罵我。我覺 3.他需要受鼓勵，而不是放棄自己。
得她沒有鼓勵我成為身披閃亮盔甲的
武士。”
3. "I don't like it when she blames 3. He needs to feel encouraged.
me for her unHappiness. I don't Instead he feels like giving up.
feel encouraged to be her
knight in shining armor."
4.“我不喜歡她抱怨自己做得太多或 4.他需要感激，而不是責罵、無知、無力感。
覺得我不感激她，那會使我覺得她沒
有感激我為她做的事。”
5.“我不喜歡她煩惱每一件可能出錯的 5.他需要配偶信任並感激他令她有、安全感，
事，那會讓我覺得不被信任。” 而不需對她的焦慮負責。
她爭論的潛在原因 如何是她不爭論
The hidden reason she is arguing What she needs not to argue
6.“我不喜歡她期待我去做事或告訴我 6.他需要她接受他的做事方法，而不
該做什麽事，我覺得沒被接受與尊 是控製或施加壓力讓他講話，那會使
重。” 他無話可講，並感到自己從沒有讓她滿意過。
6. "I don't like it when he doesn't 6. She needs to feel reassured that
respond to my questions or com‑ he is listening and that he cam.
ments. It makes me feel like I don't Instead she feels ignored or judged.
exist. "
7.“我不喜歡她因我說的話而受到傷 7.她需要他的接受與信任，而不是拒絕
害，那會使我覺得沒被信任、了解， 與不原諒。
並被拒於千裏之外。”
7. "I don't like it when he explains 7. She needs to feel validated and
why I should not be hurt, worried, understood. Instead she feels
angry, or anything else. I feel inval‑ unsupported, unloved, and
idated and unsupported. ~ resentful.
8.“我不喜歡她期待我讀懂她的心。我 8.他需要受肯定與接受，而不是覺得自
不能。她的期待隻會使我覺得我很差 己像個失敗者。
勁、不夠好。”
8. "I don't like it when he expects 8. She needs to feel respected and
me to be more detached. It makes cherished, especially when she is
me feel like it is wrong or weak to sharing her feelings. Instead she
have feelings." feels unsafe and unprotected.
滿足男人的情感需求，可以減少他引發傷害性爭論的傾向。他自然會以更多的尊重、了解及體貼去傾聽與表達。不同的意見、負麵的感覺，可經由對話、商量、妥協獲得解決，而不至於導致傷害性的爭論。
Though all these painful feelings and needs are valid, they are generally not dealt with and communicated directly. Instead they build up inside and come bursting up during an argument. Sometimes they are directly addressed, but usually they come up and are expressed through facial expression, body posture, and tone of voice.
女人也會挑起傷害性的爭論，但理由不同。表麵上她可能為財務、責任或其他事情爭論，但背地裏，她是因以下的理由而抗拒配偶：
Men and women need to understand and cooperate with their particular sensitivities and not resent them. You will he addressing the true problem by trying to cornmunicate in a way that fl^ your partner's emotional needs. Arguments can then truly become mutually supportive conversations necessary to resolve and negotiate differences and disagreements.
女人爭論的潛在理由
她爭論的潛在原因 如何使她不爭論
1.我不喜歡他小看我的感覺或需求的 1.她需要被認同與珍愛，而不是批評與
重要性，那使我覺得不受重視、不重 忽視。
要。
”2.“我不喜歡他忘了我叫他做的事，使 2.她需要受尊重與在意，而不是把她放
我不得不喋喋不休，我好像在乞求他 在優先順序的最後一位。
支持似的。”
3.“我不喜歡他責備我的難過，那會讓 3.她需要他了解她難過的理由，並向她
我覺得我必須完美，他才會愛我。我 保證他仍然愛她而且她不必完美。她
不是個完美的人。” 不願覺得不安全．
4.“我不喜歡他提高聲音說話或列舉他 4.她需要被了解與尊重，而不是欺淩與
自認合理之處，那會使我覺得我做錯 壓製。
了，不重視我的意見。”
5.“我不喜歡他詢問有關我們共同要做 5.她需要他在乎她的感覺，並尊重她搜
的決定時的優越態度，這令我覺得我 集資料的需求，而不是不受尊重與未
是個負擔，在浪費他的時間。” 得到感激。
6.“我不喜歡他向我說明為何我不應該 6.她需要被認同與了解。她不願意覺得
憂傷、不應該覺得受傷害或其他的什 沒有愛與支持。
麽，我會覺得沒被他認同、支持。”
7.“我不喜歡他不回答我的問題，那彷 7.她需要確定他正在聽，並且在乎她說
佛我不存在似的。” 的話。她不願意他忽視她或批評她。
8.“我不喜歡他認為我可以馬虎一點， 8.她需要受尊重與珍惜，尤其是在她分
那仿佛我是在做一件錯事。” 享感覺時，否則她會覺得不安全，沒
受到保護。
雖然以上的痛苦感覺和需求都存在，但是不會直接出現在溝通中，而是藏在內火，等到爭論時才會一傾而出。有時候，他們會直接講出來，但通常是透過瞼部表情、身體動作和聲調來表達。
男女必須了解他們獨特的敏感性，要與這敏感性合作，而不是生氣。你如果試著以滿足配偶情感需要的溝通方式講出問題症結，那麽，爭論就能成為互相支持的對話，兩人的差異與意見不合便可以得到協商與解決。
剖析爭論
THE ANATOMY OF AN ARGUMENT
傷害性的爭論通常可以加以剖析，你可以參考以下的例子：
A hurtful argument usually has a basic anatomy. Maybe you can relate to the following example.
我和太太有天去散步和野餐。用餐過後氣氛融洽，但我一談起未來可能進行的投資時，她馬上難過起來。我隻是考慮把儲蓄的一部分放入有增值性的股票，以我的看法，我隻是尚在考慮中，但她聽成我正在執行(沒有考慮她的意見)。她難過我要這麽做，我因她的難過而不舒服，我們開始爭論。
My wife and I went on a beautiful walk and picnic. After eating, everything seemed fine until I started talking about possible investments. Suddenly she became upset that I would consider investing a certain portion of our savings in aggressive stocks. From my point of view I was only considering it, but what she heard was that I was planning it (without even considering her point of view). She became upset that I would do such a thing. I became upset with her for being upset with me, and we had an argument.
我以為她否定我的投資選擇，和我爭論這選擇的可行性。我們的爭論是因我生氣她對此感到難過而起。她爭論增值性的股票風險太高，但她真正難過的是，我沒有問她對這件事的看法就擅自做決定。另外，她也傷心我沒有尊重她會有難過的權利，最後我變得很沮喪，她才道歉沒有了解和相信我。我們這才冷靜下來。
I thought she disapproved of my investment choices and argued for their validity. My argument however was fueled by my anger that she was upset with me. She argued that aggressive stocks were too risky. But really she was upset that I would consider this investmerit without exploring her ideas on the subject. In addition she was upset that I was not respecting her right to be upset. Eventually I became so upset that she apologized to me for misunderstanding and mistrusting me and we cooled down.
和好後，她提出問題：“有許多次我們爭論，都好像我因某些事難過，而我的難過又挑起你的難過，然後，我必須為引起你難過而道歉。我想有些事不該是這樣的，有時候，我也希望你會為引起我的難過而道歉。”
Later on, after we had made up, she posed this question. She said, "Many times when we argue, it seems that I get upset about something, and then you get upset that I am upset, and then I have to apologize for upsetting you. Somehow I think something is missing. Sometimes I would like you to tell me you are sorry for upsetting me."
我立刻看出她這番話的邏輯。期待她為她所做的事道歉似乎是不公平的，尤其是當我先使她難過時。這個新觀察轉變了我們的關係，當我在演講分享這經驗時，我發現成千上萬的婦女可以立刻認同我太太的經驗。這是另一種常見的男性／女性模式，讓我們看看這基本模式：
Immediately I saw the logic of her point of view. Expecting an apology from her did seem rather unfair, especially when I upset her first. This new insight transformed our relationship. As I shared this experience in my seminars I discovered that thousands of women could immediately identify with my wife's experience. It was another common male/female pattern. Let's review the basic pattern.
1.女人表達她對“XY”的難過感覺。
2.男人解釋為什麽她不該因“XY”難過。
3.她因覺得沒有被認同而更難過(她現在是因沒被認同而難過，不是因“XY”
)。
4.他因她的不讚成而難過。他責備她引起他難過，並期待她道歉。
5.她驚訝地為發生的事道歉或更難過，爭論擴大成戰鬥。
I. A woman expresses ber upset feelings about "XYZ"
2. A man explains why she shouldn't be upset about "XYZ."
3. She feels invalidated and becomes more upset. (She is now more upset about being invalidated than about "XYW.")
4. He feels her disapproval and becomes upset. He blames her for upsetting him and expects an
apology before making up.
5. She apologizes and wonders what happened, or she becomes MOM upset and the argument escalates into a battle.
清晰地剖析這個爭論模式後，就可以用較公平的方法來解決這個問題。我想起女人從金星來，我練習不要責備她的難過，反過來尋找我為何使她難過的原因，並表達我對她的關心。不管她是不是誤解我，隻要她覺得被我傷害了，我就必須讓她了解我關心她，並向她道歉。
Sometimes, however, apologizing is very difficult. At those times I take a deep breath and say nothing. Inside I try to imagine how she feels and discover the reasons from her point of view. Then I say, "I'm sorry you feel so upset." Although this is not an apology it does say "I care," and that seems to help a lot.
當她難過時，我首先學習傾聽，然後嚐試了解她在難過什麽，再說：“我說XY時令你難過，真對不起。”結果立即可見，我們的爭論減少了。
When she would become upset I learned first to listen, then genuinely to try to understand what she was upset about, and then to say. "I'm sorry that I upset you when I said ‑." The result was immediate. We argued much less.
但是，有時候道歉的話很難說出口，這時，我會深呼吸，什麽也不說。我內心嚐試想像她的感覺，然後說：“你這樣難過，我很對不起。”雖然這不是具正的道歉，但最起碼表示“我在乎”，這樣似乎也很有幫助。
With a clearer awareness of the anatomy of an argument, I was able to solve this problem in a fairer way. Remembering that women are from Venus, I Practiced not blaming her for being upset. Instead I would seek to understand how I had upset her and show her that I cared. Even if she was misunderstanding me, if she felt hurt by me I needed to let her know that I cared and was sorry.
男人很少說“對不起”，是因為在火星上說對不起就表示你做錯事和道歉。
男人很少說“對不起”，因為在火星上說對不起就表示你做錯事和道歉；但女人說“對不起”就等於說“我在乎你的感覺”，而不表示是為做錯的事道歉。很少說“對不起”的男人讀到這裏，會很驚訝地學習使用這個金星人的語言。平息爭論最簡單的方法是說“對不起”。
Men rarely say "I'm sorry" because on Mars it means you have done something wrong and you are apologizing. Women, however. say I'm sorry" as a way to say "I care about what you are feeling
It doesn't mean they are apologizing for doing something wrong. The men reading this who rarely say "I am sorry" can create wonders by learning to use this aspect of the Venusian language. The easiest way to derail an argument is to say "I'm sorry."
男人若不認同女人的感覺，女人又以否定來回應他，大部分的爭論就會因此擴大。身為男人，我必須學習認同，而我太太則練習直接表達她的感覺，不否定我，結果是吵架不斷減少，彼此更互愛互信。如果沒有這種新體認，可能現在我們仍然在做同樣的爭論。
Most arguments escalate when a man begins to invalidate a woman's feelings and she responds to him disapprovingly. Being a man, I've had to learn to practice validating. My wife practiced expressing her feelings more directly without disapproving of me. The result was fewer fights and more love and trust. Without having this new awareness we probably would still be having the same arguments.
男人若不認同女人的感覺，女人又以否定來回應他，大部分的爭論就會因此擴大。
為了避免傷害性的爭論，有必要了解男人如何在不知不覺間不認同她，也有必要了解女人如何在不知不覺間把否定的訊息傳給男人。
To avoid hurtingful arguments it is important to recognize how to avoid pass men unknowingly invalidate and how women unknowingly send messages of disapproval .
男人如何在不知不覺間挑起爭論
Now Men Unknowingly Start Arguments
男人挑起爭論的最常見方式是，不認同女人的感覺或意見，他們不知道自己不認同的程度有多深。譬如，男人可能會引燃女人的消極感覺，他可能說：“別煩惱。”這話聽在別的男人耳裏是友善，但聽在女性親密配偶耳裏是既不體貼細心又傷人。
The most common way men start arguments is by invalidating a woman's feelings or point of view. Men don't realize how much they invalidate.For example, a man may make light of a woman's negative feelings. He might say "Ah, don't worry about it." To another man this phrase would seem friendly. But to a female intimate partner it is insensitive and hurts.
另一個例子是：男人可能說：“這沒什麽大不了。”來試圖解決女人的難過。他提供一些實際的方法來解決問題，期望她能放鬆與快樂，他不知道這種做法使她覺得沒有被認同、被支持。除非他先認同她難過的需要，否則她不會感激他提供的解答。
In another example, a man might try to resolve a woman's upset by saying "It's not such a big deal." Then he offers some practical solution to the problem, expecting her to be relieved and happy. He doesn't understand that she feels invalidated and unsupported. She cannot appreciate his solution until he validates her need to be upset.
有個常見的例子是，當男人做了些讓女人難過的事後，他會本能地解釋她為河不該難過，期望她好過一點。他自信滿滿地解釋他的作為有多完美、合乎邏輯、理性的理由，但他卻不知道這種態度反而使她覺得她沒有難過的權利，他為自己解釋時，她所聽到的唯一訊息是他不在乎她的感覺。
A very common example is when a man has done something to upset a woman. His instinct is to make her feel better by explaining why she shouldn't be upset. He confidently explains that he has a Perfectly good, logical, and rational reason for what he did. He has no idea that this attitude makes her feel as though she has no right to be upset. When he explains himself, the only message she right hear is that he doesn't care about her feelings.
為了聽進去他的充分理由，她必須先讓他聽見她難過的充分理由。他必須先放下自己的解釋，用心傾聽她。隻要他開始在乎她的感覺，她就會覺得受到支持。
For her to hear his good reasons, she first needs him to hear her good reasons for being upset. He needs to put his explanations on hold and listen with understanding. When he simply starts to care about her feelings she will start to feel supported.
接觸的改變需要練習，有誌者事竟成。通常，當女人分享她的沮喪、失望、憂傷感覺時，男人體內的每一個細胞都會本能地列出說明和辯解，試圖驅逐她的難過感覺。男人從不把事情弄糟，他的解釋傾向完全是火星人的本能。
This change in approach takes practice but can be achieved. Generally, when a woman shares feelings of frustration, disappointment, or worry every cell in a man's body instinctively reacts with a list of explanations and justifications designed to explain away her upset feelings. A man never intends to make matters worse. His tendency to explain away feelings is just Martian instinct.
在這個狀況下，男人才了解他本能的反應會得到反效果，但可透過增加覺察及與女人實際相處的經驗中做出改變。
By understanding that his automatic gut reactions in this instance are counterproductive, a man can, however, make this shift. Through a growing awareness and his experiences of what works with a woman, a man can make this change.
女人如何在不知不覺間挑起爭論
Now Women Unknowingly Start Arguments
女人在不知不覺間挑起爭論的常見方式是，不肯直接分享她們的感覺。女人不直接表達她的不滿或失望，而去問一些迂回的問題，不在意地(或故意地)傳遞否定的訊息。雖然有時候這不是她要給他的訊息，但男人一聽就覺得這是在否定他。
The most common way women unknowingly start arguments Is by not being direct when they share their feelings. Instead of directly expressing her dislike or disappointment, a woman asks rhetorical questions and unknowingly (or knowingly) communicates a message of disapproval. Even though sometimes this is not the message she wants to give it is generally what a man will hear.
女人在不知不覺間挑起爭論的常見方式是，不肯宜接分享她們的感覺。
例如男人遲到時，女人可能會覺得：“你遲到時我不喜歡等你。”或“我擔、心你出了什麽事。”等他到時，她沒有直接說出自己的感覺，反而問：“你怎麽可以遲到？”或“你遲到我會怎麽想．．”或“你為什麽不打電話給我？”
For example, when a man is late, a woman may feel "I don't like waiting for you when you are late" or "I was worried that something had happened to you." When he arrives, instead of directly sharing her feelings she asks a rhetorical question like "How could you be so late?" or "What am I supposed to think when you're so late?" or "Why didn't you call?"
如果你真的想要找個有效的理由，問“你為什麽不打電話給我？”當然沒問題，但是女人難過時，說話的聲調往往透露她不是要找有效的理由，而是要確定沒有她可接受的遲到理由。
Certainly asking someone "Why didn't you call?" is OK if you in I But when a woman is upset are sincerely look' g for a valid reason. S I the tone of her voice often reveals that she not looking for a valid answer but is making the point that there is no acceptable reason for being late.
當男人聽到：“你怎麽可以遲到？”或“你為什麽不打電話給我？”這類問題時，他不覺得是聽到她的感受，而是聽到她在否定他，他覺得她在強迫他負責任，他受到攻擊了，所以隻好防禦起來。她不知道她的否定帶給他多大的痛苦。
When a man hears a question like "How could you be so late?" or "Why didn't you call?" he does not hear her feelings but instead hears her disapproval. He feels her intrusive desire to help him be more responsible. He feels attacked and becomes defensive. She has no idea how painful her disapproval is to him.
男人需要肯定，猶如女人需要認同。男人愈愛一個女人，就愈需要她的肯定。在關係初建立時，肯定就存在了。不管是她給他肯定的訊息，或他覺得可贏得她的肯定，肯定是絕對不可免的。
Just as women need validation, men need approval. The more a man loves a woman the more he needs her approval. It is always there in the beginning of a relationship. Either she gives him the message that she approves of him or he feels confident that he can win her approval. In either case the approval is present.
Even if a woman has been wounded by other men or her father she will still give approval in the beginning of the relationship. She may feel "He is a special man, not like others I have known."
當女人把對男人的肯定除去時，這對男人而言是種椎心的痛苦。或許女人在這樣做時，覺得她們有正當的理由，但她卻不知道肯定對男人來講有多重要。
A woman withdrawing that approval is particularly painful to a man. Women are generally oblivious of how they pull away their approval. And when they do pull it away, they feel very justified in doing so. A reason for this insensitivity is that women really are unaware of how significant approval is for men.
但是，女人在不同意男人的行為時，仍然可以學習肯定他這個人。男人一旦感受到女人對他的肯定，他就能感覺到愛。通常女人反對男人的行為，並想改變他時，她也會連帶否定他這個人。當然，有時女人對男人的肯定隻有或多或少之分，但若全然否定他，他會因受傷害而痛苦。
A woman can, however, learn to disagree with a man's behavior and still approve of who he is. For a man to feel loved he needs her to approve of who he is, even if she disagrees with his behavior. Generally when a woman disagrees with a man's behavior and she wants to change him, she will disapprove of him. Certainly there may be times when she is more approving and less approving of him, but to be disapproving is very painful and hurts him.
大多數男人都羞於承認他們多麽需要肯定，他們可以花長時間證明他們不需要肯定，但當女人真的不肯定他時，他卻又立即變得冷漠、防衛，因為他們的需求受到傷害。
Most men are too ashamed to admit how much they need approval. They may go to great lengths to prove they don't care. But why do they Immediately become cold, distant, and defensive when they lose a woman's approval? Because not getting what they need hurts.
關係剛建立時，能夠成功的理由之一是，男人一直受到女人的善意對待，他仍是她身披閃亮盔甲的武士，他得到她肯定的祝福，覺得自己高高在上，但當他使她失望時，他馬上便從高處跌下來，他覺得失去了她的肯定，就好像突然之間給丟進狗屋。
One of the reasons relationships are so successful In the beginning is that a man is still in a woman's good graces. He is still her knight in shining armor. He receives the blessings of her approval and, as a result, rides high. But as soon as he begins to disappoint her, he falls from grace. He loses her approval. All of a sudden he is cast out into the doghouse.
男人可以擺平女人的失望，但隻要女人一表達對他的否定或拒絕，他就會覺得被她傷害了。女人通常用否定的口氣審問男人的行為，她覺得那是在教導他，但事實卻不然，這樣做隻會增加男人的懼怕和氣憤，他會變得愈來愈沒有動力。
A man can deal with a woman's disappointment, but when it is expressed with disapproval or rejection he feels wounded by her. Women commonly interrogate a man about his behavior with a disapproving tone. They do this because they think it will teach him a lesson. It does not. It only creates fear and resentment. And gradually he becomes less and less motivated.
肯定男人就是看他行為背後的原因。就算他不負責任、懶惰、不尊重，隻要她愛他，就可以發現他內在的善良。因此，肯定就是去發現愛的意向或外在行為背後的善良心地。
To approve of a man is to see the good reasons behind what he does. Even when he is irresponsible or lazy or disrespectful, if she loves him, a woman can find and recognize the goodness within him. To approve is to find the loving intention or the goodness behind the outside behavior.
女人如果認為，她的男人所做所為的理由都不充分，那麽她就是在抑製關係建立之始她曾給過他的肯定。女人必須謹記，即使不讚成男人的行為，仍然可以給他肯定。
To treat a man as if he has no good reason for what he does is to withhold the approval she so freely gave in the beginning of the relationship. A woman needs to remember that she can still give approval even when she disagrees.
學習認同她的感覺，她也獲得了她應得的愛。於是我們避掉了一場爭論。
One critical pair of problems from which arguments arise:
I. The man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view.
2. Or the woman disapproves of the way the man is talking to her.
何時他最需要她的肯定
When He Needs Her Approval the Most
大部分的爭論不是因男女兩人意見不合，而是因男人覺得女人否定他的意見，或女人否定男人對她講話的方式。她否定他是因為他不認同她的意見或對她講話不體貼。若男女能學習彼此肯定與認同，他們就不需爭論了，他們可以平心靜氣討論彼此的差異。
Most arguments occur not because two people disagree but because either the man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view or the woman disapproves of the way he is talking to her. She often may disapprove of him because he is not validating her point of View or speaking to her in a caring way. When men and women learn to approve and validate, they don't have to argue. They can discuss and negotiate differences.
男人在犯錯或忘記某項任務及責任時最敏感，這時他最需要她的愛，她如果在此時否定他，他會很痛苦，而她可能不知道這種態度會令他痛苦；她認為自己隻是對他失望，但他卻覺得她是在否定他。
When a man makes a mistake or forgets to do an errand or fulfill some responsibility, a woman doesn't realize how sensitive he feels. This is when he needs her love the most. To withdraw ber approval at this point causes him extreme pain. She may not even realize she is doing it. She may think she is just feeling disappointed, but he feels her disapproval.
女人透過眼睛和聲調不知不覺地傳達了否定的態度，她講的話可能是有愛的，而她的表情和聲調卻是傷害男人的。他防衛性的反應使她覺得她錯了，他也不認同她，並認為自己是對的。
One of the ways women unknowingly communicate disapproval is In their eyes and tone of voice. The words she chooses may be loving, but her look or the tone of her voice can wound a man. Flis defensive reaction is to make her feel wrong. He invalidates her and justifies himself.
男人犯錯或惹他愛的女人難過時，他們會傾向以爭論的方式解決。
男人犯錯或惹他愛的女人難過時，他們會傾向以爭論的方式解決。如果他令她失望，他會想辯解她為何不應該難過，他認為他的理由會使她好過一點，他不知道在她難過時最需要的是被傾聽與認同。
Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the woman they love. If he disappoints her, he wants to explain to her why she should not be so upset. He thinks his reasons will help her to feel better. What he doesn't know is that if she is upset, what she needs most is to be heard and validated.
如何讓西線無戰爭
NOW TO EXPRESS YOUR DIFFERENCES WITHOUT ARGUING
如果沒有良好的角色模範，表達彼此的差異與意見不合會是件困難的工作，大多數家庭中，父母不是不爭論就是把爭論擴大成吵架。以下介紹男女如何在不知不覺間挑起爭論，並建議一些良好的替代方法。
Without healthy role models, expressing differences and disagreements can be a very difficult task. Most of our parents either did. not argue at all or when they did it quickly escalated into a fight. The following chart reveals how men and women unknowingly create arguments and suggests healthy alternatives.
以下列出的每一種爭論方式，我會先提供女人可能問的問題，再介紹男人對這些問題的可能解釋。然後介紹男人可能如何解釋自已，以及女人如何從她所聽到的判斷自己不被認同。最後，我建議男女該如何表達自己以獲得支持及避免爭論。
In each of the types of arguments listed below I first provide a rhetorical question that a woman might ask and then show how a man might interpret that question. Then I show how a man might explain hi self and how a woman could feel invalidated by what m she hears. Finally I suggest how men and women can express themselves to be more supportive and avoid arguments.
THE ANATOMY OF AN ARGUMENT
1.當他晚回家時
I. When He Comes Home Late
她反問的問題 他聽到的訊息
當他晚回家時，她說：“你怎麽可以 他聽到的訊息是：“你沒有充分理由
這麽晚回來？”或“你為什麽不打電話 可以晚回來！你沒有責任感。我就從不晚回來？
或“你以為我會怎麽想？” 我比你好。”
Her rhetorical question The message he bears
When he arrives late she says The message he hears is "There is
"How could you be so late?" or no good reason for you to be late!
.Why didn't you call?" or "What You are irresponsible. I would
am I supposed to think?" never be late. I am better than you."
他的解釋 她聽到的訊息
她因他晚回來而難過時，他解釋： 她聽到的是：“你不應該難過，
因為“橋上堵車。”或“有時候，人生不能 我有很好、很合邏輯的晚回來的理由。
完全如你願。”或“你不能希望我老是 不管怎樣，我的工作比你重要。你
要求準時。” 太多了。”
What he explains The message she bears
When he arrives late and she is What she hears is "You shouldn't
upset he explains "There was a lot be upset because I have these good
of traffic on the bridge‑ or "Some‑ and logical reasons for being late.
times life can't be the way you Anyway my work is more impor
want" or "You can't expect me to tant than you, and you are too
always be on time." demanding!"
她如何能減少否定 他如何能更加認同
她可以說：“我不喜歡你晚回來，這 他說：“我回來晚了，對不起，讓你
讓我很難過。下次你如果晚回來，請先 難過。”更重要的是聽她講，別解釋太
打電話給我，我會很感激。” 多。嚐試了解和認同她對愛的需求。
How she to be less disapproving How he to be more validating
She could say " I really don't He says "I was late, I'm sorry I
like it when you are late. It is upset you." Most important is to
upsetting to me. I would really just listen without explaining much.
appreciate a call next time Try to understand and validate
you are going to be late." what she needs to feel loved.
2.當他忘記某些事時
2. When He Forgets Something
她反問的問題 他聽到的訊息
當他忘了做某些事，她說：“你怎能 他聽到的訊息是：“你沒有理由忘
忘記？”或“你什麽時候記得過？”或 記。你又蠢又不能信任。我付出的比你
“我怎能相信你？” 多。
”Her rhetorical question The message he hears
When he forgets to do something, The message he hears is "There is
she says "How could you no good reason for forgetting. You
forget?" or "When will you are stupid and can't he trusted. I
ever remember?" or "How am I give so much more to this relation
supposed to trust you?" ship. "
他的解釋 她聽到的訊息
她因他忘了某些事而難過時，他解 她聽到的是：“你不該為這種小事難
釋：“我真的忙忘了，這種事有時是沒 過。你要求太多，你的反應太沒理性。
辦法避免的。”或“這沒什麽大不了。 你活在一個幻想的世界，實在一點
雖然忘記了，但並不表示我不關心。” 吧！”
What he explains The message she hears
When he forgets to do something What she hears is "You shouldn't
and she gets upset he explains "I get so upset over such trivial mat
was real busy and just forgot. ters. You are being too demanding
These things just happen some‑ and your response is irrational.
times" or "It's not such a big deal. Try to be more realistic. You live
It doesn't mean I don't care." in a fantasy world."
她如何能減少否定 他如何能更加認同
如果她難過，她可以說：“我不喜歡 他說：“我忘了…你生我的氣嗎？”
你忘記。”她也可以用另一種有效的方 然後聽她說，不讓她覺得生氣是錯的。
法，不要提起他忘了某些事，隻說： 她說時就會知道他有沒有在聽，她會馬
“如果你能夠.....我會很感激。”(他將 上覺得很感激他。會知道他忘了。)
How she can be less disapproving How he can be more validating
If she is upset, she could say "I He says "I did forget Are you
don't like it when you forget." She angry with me?" Then let her talk
could also take another effective without making her wrong for
approach and simply not mention being angry. As she talks she will
that he has forgotten something realize she is being heard and soon
and just ask again, saying "I would she will feel very appreciative of
appreciate it if you would "him.
(He will know he has forgotten.)
3.當他從洞穴回來時
3. When He Returns from His Cove
她反問的問題 他聽到的訊息
當他從洞穴回來，她說：“你怎麽會 他聽到的訊息是：“你沒有理由離開
這麽沒感覺、冷漠？”或“你能期望我 我。你既殘忍又沒愛心，我嫁錯人了，
有什麽反應？”或“我應該知道你內心 你傷我比我傷你還深。”在想什麽嗎？”
Her rhetorical question The message he bears
When he comes back from his The message he hears is "There 'S
cave, she says "How could you be . no good reason for pulling away
so unfeeling and cold?" or "How from me. You are cruel and unlov‑ do
you expect me to react?" or rig. You are the wrong man for
"How am I supposed to know me. You have hurt me so much
what's going on inside you?" more than I have ever hurt you."
他的解釋 她聽到的訊息
當他從洞穴回來，她難過時，他解 她聽到的是：“你不應該覺得受傷害
釋：“我需要一些時間獨處，才兩天而 或受遺棄，否則我不會同情你。你太愛
已，有什麽大不了的？”或“我又沒對 要求、太愛控製。我要做我想做的事，
你怎樣，你怎麽會這麽難過？” 不在乎你的感覺。”
What he explains The message she hears
When he comes back from his What she hears is "You shouldn't
cave and she is upset he explains "I feel hurt or abandoned, and if you
needed some time alone, it was do, I have no empathy for you.
only for two days. What is the big You are too needy and controlling.
deal?" or "I didn't do anything to I will do whatever I want, I don't
you. Why does it upset you so?" care about, your feelings."
她如何能減少否定 他如何能更加認同
如果她難過，她可以說：“我知道你 他說：“我了解我離開時你會有受傷
有時候需要離開，但你離開時，我很難 的感覺。我離開時一定讓你很痛苦。我
過。我不是說你錯了，但讓你了解我的 們來談談。”(隻要她覺得有被傾聽，
感覺對我很重要。” 就比較容易接受你偶爾需要離開)
How she can be less disapproving How he can be more validating
If it upsets her she could say "I He says "I understand it hurts when
know you need to pull away at I pull away. It must be very painful
times but it still hurts when you pull for you when I pull away. Let's talk
away. I'm not saying you are wrong about it." (When she feels heard
but it is important to me for you to then it is easier for her to accept his
understand what I go through." need to pull away at times.)
4.當他令她失望時
4. Men He Disappoints her
她反問的問題 他聽到的訊息
當他令她失望時，她說：“你怎能這 他聽到的訊息：“你沒有理由讓我失
樣做？”或“你為什麽不照我們討論的 望。你是白癡，沒有一件事做得好。除
結果去做？”或“你不是說你會做這件 非你改變，否則我不可能快樂！”
事嗎？”或“你何時才會弄明白？”
Her rhetorical question The message he hears
When he disappoints her, she says The message he hears is "There is
"How could you do this?" or "Why no good reason for disappointing
can't you do what you say you are go‑ me. You are an idiot. You can't do
ing to do?'' or "Didn't you say you would anything right. I can't be happy
do it?" or "When will you ever learn?" until you change!"
他的解釋 她聽到的訊息
當他令她失望時，他解釋：“嘿，下 她聽到的是：“如果你難過，那是你
次我會做好。”或“沒什麽大不了的。” 的錯，你應該有點彈性。你不應該難
或“我不了解你的意思。” 過，我不會同情你。”
What he explains The message she hears
When she is disappointed with What she hears is "If you are upset
him, he explains "Hey, next time it is your fault. You should be
I'll get. it right" or "It's not such a more flexible. You shouldn't get
big deal" or "But I didn't know upset, and I have no empathy for
what you meant." you.
她如何能減少否定 他如何能更加認同
如果她難過，可以說：“我不喜歡失 他說：“我知道我讓你失望，讓我們
望，我以為你會打電話回來。你不打沒 談談……你覺得怎樣？”讓她談，讓她
關係，但我要你知道，當你……我的感 有被傾聽的機會，她會好過一點。過一
覺是……” 段時間對她說：“你要怎樣才能感受到我的支持
或：“我現在該怎麽支持你？”
How she can be less disapproving How he can be more validating
If she is upset she could say "I He says "I understand I disap
don't like being disappointed. I pointed you. Let's talk about it
thought you were going to call. It's How did you feel?" Again let her
OK and I need you to know how it talk. Give ber a chance to be heard
feels when you " and she will feel better. After a
while say to her "What do you
need from me now to feel my sup
Port?" or "How can I support you
now?"
5.當他不尊重她的感覺並傷害了她
5. When He Doesn't Respect Her Feelings and Hurts Her
她反問的問題 他聽到的訊息
當他不尊重她的感覺並傷害她時，她 他聽到的訊息是：“你是個有虐待狂
說：“你怎麽可以這麽說？”或“你怎 的壞人。我愛得比你深，我不會原諒
麽可以這樣對待我？”或“你為什麽不 你，你該受懲罰，該被趕出門。全都是
能聽我說？”或“你何曾再關心過我？” 你的錯。”或“我有像這樣對待你嗎？”
Her rhetorical question The message h bears
When he doesn't respect her feel‑ The message he hears is "You are
ings and hurts her. she says "How a bad and abusive person. I am so
could you say that?" or "How much more loving than you. I will
could you treat me this way?" or never forgive you for this. You
"Why can't you listen to me?" or should be punished and cast out.
"Do you even care about me any‑ This is all your fault."
more?" or "Do I treat you this way?"
他的解釋 她聽到的訊息
當他不尊重她的感覺，使她更難過 她聽到的是：“你沒有權利難過，你
時，他解釋：“看，我不是這個意思。” 太不講理了。你太敏感，一定是出了什
或“我在聽你說話，看我現在做得多 麽問題。你真是個負擔。”
好。”或“我沒有一直忽略你啊！”
或“我並沒有笑你。”
What he explains The message she bears
When he doesn't respect ber feel‑ What she hears is "You have no
ings and she gets even more upset, right to be upset. You are not
he explains "Look, I didn't mean making any sense. You are too
that" or "I do listen to you; see I sensitive, something is wrong with
am doing so right now" or "I you. You are such a burden."
don't always ignore you" or "I am
not laughing at you."
她如何能減少否定 他如何能更加認同
她可以說：“我不喜歡你對我講話的 他說：“對不起，我不應該這樣對待
態度，請別再講了。”或“我不感激你 你。”深呼吸，聽她的回答。她可能繼
做的打算，我要暫時停止說話。”或 續說：“你從來不聽我說。”當她停頓
“這種講話方式不是我要的。我們重 時，他說：“你說得對，有時候我沒有
談。”或“我不要受你這種對待，我要 聽，真對不起，我不應該這樣對待你
暫停說話。”或“請你不要打插。”或 ……我們重來一次，這次我會表現好一
“請你聽我說。”(男人最能反應簡短直 點。”重新講話是防止爭論擴大的好方
接的話語。長篇大論甚至連問問題都會 法。如果她不想再講，別讓她覺得是她
得到反效果)。 的錯。謹記，如果你給她難過的權利，她會
更接受你、更肯定你。
Now she can h less disapproving Now he can be more validating
She could say "I don't like the way He says "I'm sorry, you don't
You are talking to me. Please stop" deserve to be treated that way.‑‑
or "You are being mean and I Take a deep breath and just listen
don't appreciate it. I want to take a to her response. She may carry on
time‑out" or "This is not the way I and say something like "You never
wanted to have this conversation. listen." When she pauses, say
Let's start over" or "I don't "You are right. Sometimes I don't
deserve to be treated this way. I listen. I'm sorry, you don't deserve
want to take a time‑out" or to be treated that way Let's
"Would you please not interrupt" start over. This time we will do it
or "Would you please listen to better." Starting a conversation
what I am saying." (A man can over is an excellent way to keep an
respond best to short and direct argument from escalating. If she
statements. Lectures or questions doesn't want to start over don't
are counterproductive.) make her feel wrong. Remember,
if you give her the right to be upset
then she will be more accepting
and approving.
6.當她不喜歡他匆匆忙忙時
6. When He Is in a Hurry and She Doesn't Like It
她反問的問題 他聽到的訊息
她抱怨：“為什麽我們總是匆匆忙忙 他聽到的訊息是：“沒理由這麽匆忙
的？”或“為什麽你老是匆匆忙忙的？” 呀！你從沒有讓我高興過，沒有事情可
以改變你，你真無能，顯然一點也不在
乎我。”
Her rhetorical question The message he bears
She complains "Why are we The message he hears is "There is
always in a hurry?" or "Why do no good reason for this rushing!
you always have to rush places?" You never make me happy.
Nothing will ever change you. You
are incompetent and obviously
you don't care about me."
他的解釋 她聽到的訊息
他解釋：“這不太糟啊！”或“向來 她聽到的是：“你沒有權利抱怨。你
就是這樣嘛。”或“我現在也沒辦法改 應該感激你現在所擁有的，不要這麽不
呀！”或“別太擔心，不會有事的。” 滿意、不高興。沒什麽理由好抱怨，你
總是拖人下水。”
What he explains The messe she hears
He explains "it's not so bad" or What she hears is "You have no
"This is the way it has always right to complain. You should be
been" or "There is nothing we can grateful for what you have and not
do about it now" or "Don't worry be such a dissatisfied and unhappy
so much; it will be fine.‑‑‑ person. There is no good reason to
complain, you are bringing every
one down."
她如何能減少否定 他如何能更加認同
如果她難過，她可以說：“我覺得我 他說：“我也不喜歡匆忙，我希望我
們總是匆匆忙忙的，我不喜歡。”或： 們都可以慢下來。”他同意她的感覺。
“我喜歡我們不匆忙的時候，討厭有時 即使他有時的確喜歡緊湊的步調，但在
候必須匆忙。你可以為我們下次的旅行 她沮喪時，他可以同意是他造成她的感覺
多安排出十五分鍾嗎？” 來給她最好的支持。
How she can he less disapproving How he can he more validatin
if she feels upset she can say "It's He says "I don't like it either. I
OK that we are rushing and I wish we could just slow down. It
don't like it. It feels like we're feels so crazy.‑‑‑In this example he
always rushing" or "I love it when has related to her feelings. Even if
we are not in a hurry and I hate it a part of him likes to rush, he can
sometimes when we have to rush, I best support her in her moment of
just don't like it. Would you plan frustration by expressing how
our next trip with fifteen minutes some part of himself sincerely
of extra time?" relates to her frustration.
7.當她在對話中覺得不被認同時
7. When She Feels Invalidated in a Conversation
她反問的問題 他聽到的訊息
當她在對話中覺得沒有受到支持與認 他聽到的訊息是：“你沒理由這樣對
同時，她說：“你為什麽這樣說？”或 待我。你根本不愛我，你不在乎。我給
“為什麽你必須用這種方式對我說話？” 你那麽多，你卻一點回報也沒有！”
或“你有關心我說什麽嗎？”或
“你怎能這樣說？”
Her rhetorical question The message he hears
When she feels unsupported or The message he hears is "There is
invalidated in a conversation, she no good reason for treating me this
says "Why did you say that?" or way. Therefore you do not love
"Why do you have to talk to me me. You do not care. I give you so
this way?" or "Don't you even much and you give back nothing!"
care about what I'm saying?" or
"How can you say that?"
他的解釋 她聽到的訊息
當她因不被認同而難過時，他解釋： 她聽到的是：“你沒有難過的權利，
“你真沒常識。”或“我不是這樣說。” 你不理性又迷糊。我知道什麽是對的，
或“你說的我早就聽過了。” 可是你不知道，我比你優秀，是你引起
爭論，不是我。”
What he explains The message she bears
When she feels invalidated and What she hears is "You have no
gets upset, he explains "But you right to be upset. You are irra
are not making sense" or "But that tional and confused. I know what
is not what I said" or "I've heard is right and you don't. I am supe
all this before." rior to you. You cause these argu
ments, not me."
她如何能減少否定 他如何能更加認同
她可以說：“你講話好像在審判我， 他說：“很對不起讓你不舒服。你聽
我不喜歡，我不應該受這種對待，請了 到我說了些什麽？”給她機會反映她所
解我。”或“我今天更難過，我知道不 聽到的，然後再說：“對不起。現在我
全是你的錯，但我需要你了解我的感 知道你為什麽不喜歡。”稍做停頓，再
受，可以嗎？”或者，她可以忽視他講 聽她說。不要試圖去解釋她所誤解你的
的話，直接要求說：“我情緒很壞，你 話。如果傷害已造成，隻有被傾聽才能
可不可以聽我說一會兒？我會覺得好過 治療。也隻有在傷害被認同與了解治愈
一點。”(男人需要多多鼓勵才會傾聽 後，解釋才有幫助。女人說話。)
如果傷害己造成，隻有被傾聽才能治療。
How she can be less disapproving How he can be more validating
She could say "I don't like what He says "I'm sorry it's not com
You are saying. It feels as if you are fortable for you. What are you
judging me. I don't deserve that. hearing me say?" By giving her a
Please understand me" or "I've chance to reflect back what she has
had a hard day. I know this is not heard then he can again say "I'm
ah your fault. And I need you to sorry. I understand why you didn't
understand what I'm feeling. like it." Then simply pause. This is
OM" or she can simply overlook a time to listen. Resist the tempta
his comments and ask for what she tion to explain to her that she is
wants, saying "I am in such a bad misinterpreting what you said.
mood, would you listen to me for Once the hurt is there it needs to be
a while? It will help me feel so heard if it is to be healed.
much better." (Men need lots of Explanations are helpful only after
encouragement to listen.) the hurt is healed with some vali
dation and caring understanding.
在困難時刻給與幫忙
GIVING SUPPORT AT DIFFICULT TIMES
任何關係都會遇上困難時刻，可能是由種種原因引起，如失業、死亡、生病或隻因沒有足夠的休息。在此困難時刻最重要的是，嚐試以愛、認同、肯定的態度溝通。另外，我們也必須接受和了解自己及另一半都不是永遠完美的。在關係中若能成功學習溝通最輕微的沮喪，那麽當大挑戰突然出現時，就比較容易處理得當。
Any relationship has difficult times. They may occur for a variety of reasons, like loss of a job, death, illness, or just not enough rest. At these difficult times the most important thing is to try to communicate with a loving, validating, and approving attitude. In addition we need to accept and understand that we and our partners will not always be perfect. By learning successfully to communicate in response to the smaller upsets in a relationship it becomes easier to deal with the bigger challenges when they suddenly appear.
上麵每個例子，我都把女人定為因男人所做或不做的事而難過的角色，當然男人也會因女人而難過，上麵所列的任何建議都適合運用在男女雙方。你可以問你的配偶對以上的建議有何反應，這對你們的關係會有幫助。
In each of the above examples I have placed the woman in the role of being upset with the man for something he did or didn't do. Certainly men can also be upset with women, and any of my suggestions listed above apply equally to both sexes. If you are in a relationship, asking your partner how he or she would respond to the suggestions listed above is a useful exercise.
當你和配偶沒有情緒存在時，花點時間找出對你和配偶間最有效的話語。采用一些“事先預備好的同意語言”，能調和衝突升起時的緊張氣氛。
Take some time when you are not upset with your partner to discover what words work best for them and share what works best for you. Adopting a few "prearranged agreed‑upon statements" can be immensely helpful to neutralize tension when conflict arises.
謹記，不管你選擇的語言多麽正確，最要緊的是隱藏在語言背後的感覺。就算你使用以上建議的話語，如果你的配偶沒有感覺到你的愛、認同和肯定，緊張氣氛仍然會繼續升高。如先前提到的，有時候避免衝突的最佳方式是采取低姿態，暫時休息一下，整理出自己，這樣才能以更多的了解、接受、認同和肯定再次會合。
Also, remember that no matter how correct your choice of words, the feeling behind your words counts most. Even if you were to use the exact phrases listed above, if your partner didn't feel your
love, validation, and approval the tension would continue to increase. As I mentioned before, sometimes the best solution for avoiding conflict is to see it coming and lie low for a while. Take a time‑out to center yourself so that you can then come together again with greater understanding, acceptance, validation, and approval.
首次做這些改變時，可能會覺得很尷尬或做作。許多人會認為愛就是“照實說”，這種過於直接的方法沒有考量聽者的感覺。一個人可以對自己的感覺誠實和直接，但表達的方式不能得罪或傷害別人。
Making some of these changes may at first feel awkward or even manipulative. Many people have the idea that love means "saying it like it is." This overly direct approach, however, does not take into account the listener's feelings. One can still be honest and direct about feelings but express them in a way that doesn't offend or hurt.
練習以上的某些建議，將可擴展你更體貼、信任的溝通能力，一段時間後，這能力就成為你的一部分，自然而然表現出來。
By practicing some of the suggestions listed above, you will be stretching and exercising your ability to communicate in a more caring and trusting manner. After a while it will become more automatic.
如果你的配偶嚐試運用以上的某些建議，請謹記他們是為了更支持你。他們的首次表現可能不出自然、不誠摯，數周內要改變過去習慣的狀態是不可能的，用心感激他們嚐試的每一步驟，否則他們很快就放棄了。
If you are presently in a relationship and your partner is attempting to apply some of the above suggestions, keep in mind that they are trying to be more supportive. At first their expressions may seem not only unnatural but insincere. It is not possible to change a lifetime of conditioning in a few weeks. Be careful to appreciate their every step; otherwise they may quickly give up.
以愛的溝通避免爭論
AVOIDING ARGUMENTS THROUGH LOVING COMMUNICATION
如果能了解配偶的需求，並記得給與，情緒性的爭論與吵架就可避免。以下的例子示範出女人在直接表達她的感覺時，如果男人認同那些感覺，就可免除爭論。
Emotionally charged arguments and quarrels can be avoided if we can understand what our partner needs and remember to gi ve it. The following story illustrates how when a woman communicates directly her feelings and when a man validates those feelings an argument can be avoided.
我記得有次和我太太去旅行，當我們下了車，擺脫一周來的忙碌，輕鬆下來時，我希望邦妮能為我們這趟旅行感到高興。她卻深歎一口氣說：“我覺得我的人生是個又長又慢的折磨。”
I remember once leaving for a vacation with my wife. As we drove off in the car and could finally relax from a hectic week, I expected Bonnie to be happy that we were going on such a great vacation. Instead she gave a heavy sigh and said, "I feel like my life is a long, slow torture."
我停了一會兒，深呼吸，然後回答：“我知道你的意思，忙碌好像要把我們的人生榨幹一樣。”我說這話時，做了一個將抹布的水擰出的動作。
I paused, took a deep breath, and then replied, "I know what you mean, I feel like they are squeezing every ounce of life out of me." As I said this I made a motion as if I were wringing the water out of a rag.
她同意地點頭，突然因我方反應而驚奇地微笑，之後她改變話題，開始說她很興奮來這趟旅行。若是六年前，事情不可能是這樣結束，我們會爭論，我會錯誤地責罵她。
Bonnie nodded her head in agreement and to my amazement she suddenly smiled and then changed the subject. She started talking about how excited she was to go on this trip. Six years ago this would not have happened. We would have had an argument and I would have mistakenly blamed it on her.
我會因她說她的人生是又長又慢的折磨而難過，我會將此視為個人問題，覺得她在抱怨我，我會防禦性地解釋我們的人生不是折磨，她應該為度假而高興。然後，我們會爭論，度過一個又長又折磨人的假期。這些都將會發生，因為我不了解也不認同她的感覺。
I would have been upset with her for saying her life was a long, slow torture. I would have taken it personally and felt that she was complaining about me. I would have become defensive and explained that our life was not a torture and that she should be grateful that we were going on such a wonderful vacation. Then we would have argued and had a long, torturous vacation. All this would have happened because I didn't understand and validate her feelings.
現在，我知道她隻是在表達一個暫時性的感覺而不是針對我，因此，我不會防禦。我說要擰出她的感覺，是一種認同的表示。她的回應是非常接受我，我感受到了她的愛、接受與肯定。因為我
This time, I understood she was just expressing a passing feeling. It wasn't a statement about me. Because I understood this I didn't get defensive. By my comment about being wrung out she felt completely validated. In response, she was very accepting of me and I felt her love, acceptance, and approval. Because I have learned to validate her feelings, she got the love she deserved. We didn't have an argument.
