Chapter 5: Speaking Different Languages

第五章  說不同的語言

火星人和金星人首次相處時，也碰到了我們今日關係中的許多問題，但跟我們不同的是，他們知道他們原本就是不同的，他們也相信彼此可以解決這些問題。他們成功的秘密之一就是良好的溝通。

When the Martians and Venusians first got together, they encountered many of the problems with relationships we have today. Because they recognized that they were different, they were able to solve these problems. One of the secrets of their success was good communication.

有趣的是，他們因為說不同的語言，所以溝通良好。當他們有問題時，就找翻譯幫忙。每個人都知道火星來的人和金星來的人說不同的語言，所以衝突發生時他們不是批評或吵架，而是拿出字典去充分了解彼此，如果無效就請翻譯來幫忙。

Ironically, they communicated well because they spoke different languages. When they had problems, they would just go to a translator for assistance. Everyone knew that people from Mars and people from Venus spoke different languages, so when there was a conflict they didn't start judging or fighting but instead pulled out their phrase dictionaries to understand each other more fully. If that didn't work they went to a translator for help.

火星人和金星人的語言所使用的字相同，但卻有不同的意思。他們的表達方法相似，卻有不同的含義或情感重點，因此很容易彼此誤解，所以一有溝通問題或輕微的反抗時，他們會認為那是必然的現象，他們仍會彼此信任及接受對方，這是我們今日不太容易做到的。

You see the Martian and Venusian languages had the same words, but the way they were used gave different meanings. Their expressions were similar, but they had different connotations or emotional emphasis. Misinterpreting each other was very easy. SO when communication problems emerged, they assumed it was just one of those expected misunderstandings and that with a little assistance they would surely understand each other. They experienced a trust and acceptance that we rarely experience today.

EXPRESSING FEELINGS VERSUS EXPRESSING INFORMATION

時至今日，我們仍需翻譯者。男女在使用同樣的語言時，很少是指同樣的意思，譬如女人說：“我覺得你從來沒有聽我說話。”“從來沒有”這樣的字眼，女人並不真的當一回事，她隻是用來表達她當時的挫折感，而不是把“從來沒有”當成實際資料。

Even today we still need translators. Men and women seldom mean the same things even when they use the same words. For example, when a woman says "I feel like you never listen," she does not expect the word never to be taken literally. Using the word never is just a way of expressing the frustration she is feeling at the moment. It is not to be taken as if it were factual information.

女人采取多種最嚴重的語法、隱喻和概念化如詩般的語言，來表達、強化她們的感覺。男人卻把這種表達當真，因為他們不了解內在意思，因而常不表讚同。

TO fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally. Because they misunderstand the intended meaning, they commonly react in an unsupportive manner.

女人采取多種最嚴重的語法、隱喻和概念化如詩的語言，來表達她們的感覺。

下表列出十個女人容易引起誤解的抱怨，及男人可能有的不讚同反應。

In the following chart ten complaints easily misinterpreted are fisted, as well as how a man might respond unsupportively.

常引起誤解的抱怨

TEN COMMON COMPLAINTS THAT ARE EASILY MISINTERPRETED

女人的說法　                                              男人的反應．

Women ‑M things like this                             Men respond like this

我們從來沒出去過。                             不對，上個星期我們才出去過。

"We never go out."                                "That's not true. We went out last week."

人家都不注意我。 　                             我相信人家很注意你。．

"Everyone ignores me."                         "I'm sure some people notice you."

我累得什麽事也不能做了                真荒謬，又不是沒人幫你。

"I am so fired, I can't do anything.,'                  "That's ridiculous. You are not he~"

我想把所有事都忘得一幹二淨。        如果你不喜歡你的工作，就辭職算了。

"I want to forget everything."              "If you don't like your Job, then  quit."

房間裏老是亂七八糟。                              不是“老是”亂七八糟。

"The house is always a mess."              "It's not always a mess."

再也沒人要聽我說話了。                           我正在聽你說話啊！

"No one listens to me anymore."                      "But I am listening to you right now."

沒有一件事做得好。                                你是指我做錯了嗎？

"Nothing is working."                              "Are you saying it is my fault?"

你不再愛我了。                                        我當然愛你，不然怎會跟你在一起。

"You don't love me anymore."             "Of course I do. That's why I'm here." 

我們老是匆匆忙忙。                                才沒有，這個星期五，我們很輕鬆呀！

"We are always in a hurry."                    "We are not. Friday we were relaxed. "

我想浪漫一點。                                           你是說我不浪漫嗎？

"I want more romance."                          "Are you saying I am not romantic?"

你看女人所使用的“字麵”意思，多容易誤導習慣於陳述事實和資料的男人。我們也看到男人的反應可能會引起爭論。兩性關係中，不清楚和沒有愛心的溝通是最大的問題，即使常被男人誤解，女人最常見的抱怨仍是：“你沒在聽我說話。”

You can see how a "literal" translation of a woman's words could easily mislead a man who is used to using speech as a means of conveying only facts and information. We can also see how a man's responses might lead to an argument. Unclear and unloving communication is the biggest problem in relationships. The number one complaint women have in relationships is: "I don't feel heard." Even this complaint is misunderstood and misinterpreted! 

即使常被男人誤解，女人最常見的抱怨仍是：“你沒在聽我說風話。”

男人對“你沒在聽我說話”的字麵解釋，使他與她的感覺發生了爭論，他以為隻要他能重複她說的話，就能證明他在聽，因此男人對於女人說“你沒在聽我說話”的正確解釋應該是：“我覺得你沒有真的了解我說的意思，或根本不在乎我的感覺，你能告訴我你對我剛才講的哪部分最有興趣？”

A man's literal translation of "I don't feel heard" leads him to invalidate and argue with her feelings. He thinks he has heard her if he can repeat what she has said. A translation of a woman saying "I don't feel heard" so that a man could correctly Interpret it is: ‑I feel as though you don't fully understand what I really mean to say or care about how I feel. Would you show me that you are interested in what I have to say?" 

如果男人能了解女人抱怨背後的渴望，他就能減少和女人爭論，改為積極回應。男女爭論時，通常會誤解彼此的意思，此時最重要的是再仔細想清楚，或把他們所聽到的再翻譯一遍。

If a man really understood her complaint then he would argue less and be able to respond more positively. When men and women are on the verge of arguing, they are generally m isunderstanding each other. At such times, it is important to rethink or translate whatthey have heard. 

男人因不了解女人不同的表達方式，而不適當的判斷或否定配偶的感覺，因而導致了爭論，能透過正確了解來避免許多爭論，因傾聽時解讀的不同而引起任何的抗拒感，不妨參考“金星人／火星人語法辭典”來尋求正確的解釋。

Because many men don't understand that women express feelings differently, they inappropriately judge or invalidate their partner's feelings. This leads to arguments. The ancient Martians learned to avoid many arguments through correct understanding. Whenever listening stirred up some resistance, they consulted their Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary for a correct interpretation.

金星人說話時

WHEN VENUSIANS TALK 

以下包含已遺失的“金星人／火星人語法辭典”裏對各個句子不同的解釋，翻譯上麵所列的十個抱怨，好讓男人能了解她們真正的內在意思，也包含了她希望他如何反應的暗示。

The following section contains various excerpts from the lost Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary. Each of the ten complaints listed above is translated so that a man can understand their real and intended meaning. Each translation also contains a hint of how she wants him to respond. 

你看，當金星人難過時，她不隻是用概念語言，她也在尋找特別的支持，但她不會直接開口要求支持，因為金星上的每一個人都知道，每一種戲劇性用語都暗示著某種特殊的要求。

You see, when a Venusian is upset she not only uses generalities, and so forth, but also is asking for a particular kind of support. She doesn't directly ask for that support because on Venus everyone knew that dramatic language implied a particular request. 

語句經過翻譯後都泄露了被隱藏的要求，如果男人傾聽女人時，都能辨識出暗示的要求，應要求而反應，她必然會覺得有被傾聽與被愛的感覺。

In each of the translations this hidden request for support is revealed. If a man listening to a woman can recognize the implied request and respond accordingly, she will feel truly heard and loved.

金星人／火星人語法辭典

The Venusian/Martinn Phrase Dictionary

F：“我們從來沒出去過。”

翻譯成火星人可以理解的意思是：“我想要出去，一起做些事。我喜歡和你在一起，我們在一起時總是很快樂，你認為呢？你要不要帶我出去吃飯？我們已經有幾天沒出去了。”

"We never go out" translated into Martian means "I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have such a fun time, and I love being with you. What do you think? Would you take me out to dinner? It has been a few days since we went out."

若沒有這樣翻譯，當女人說：“我們從來沒出去過。”時，男人可能會聽成：“你沒有做你該做的事，多令人失望。我們再也沒有一起做些事了，因為你懶惰、沒情調、枯燥乏味。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "We never go out" a man may hear "You are not doing your job. What a disappointment you have turned out to be. We never do anything together anymore because you are lazy, unromantic, and just boring."

F：“人家都不注意裁。”

翻譯成火星人可以理解的意思是：“今天我覺得被忽視和不被了解，好像沒人看我。當然，看我的人也是有的，隻是他們好像不在乎我。我想我對你最近的忙碌感到失望。你對工作的認真我雖然感激，但有時覺得我對你而言一點也不重要。我擔心你把工作看得比我重要。你能抱著我，告訴我，我對你有多特別嗎？”

"Everyone ignores me" translated into Martian means "Today, I am feeling ignored and unacknowledged. I feel as though nobody sees me. Of course I'm sure some people see me, but they don't seem to care about me. I suppose I am also disappointed that you have been so busy lately. I really do appreciate how hard you are working and sometimes I start to feel like I am not important to you. I am afraid your work is more important than me. Would you give me a hug and tell me how special I am to you?"

若沒有這樣翻譯，當女人說：“人家都不注意我。”時，男人可能會聽成：“我很不快樂，得不到別人的注意，每件事都沒希望，連你也不注意我，你應該是最愛我的人，但一點也沒愛心，你不覺得羞恥嗎？我從來沒有這樣忽略你。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "Everyone ignores me" a man may hear "I am so unhappy. I just can't get the attention I need. Everything is completely hopeless. Even you don't notice me, and you are the person who is supposed to love me. You should be ashamed. You are so unloving. I would never ignore you this way."

　　F：“我累得什麽事也不能做了。”

翻譯成火星人希望聽到的意思是：“我今天做太多了。在做其他事以前，我需要休息。我很幸運，有你支持。你可不可以抱著我，再誇獎我做得很好，並說我應該休息。”

"I am so tired, I can't do anything" translated into Martian means "I have been doing so much today. I really need a rest before I can do anything more. I am so lucky to have your support. Would you give me a hug and reassure me that I am doing a good Job and that I deserve a rest?"

若沒有這樣翻譯，當女人說：“我累得什麽事也不能做。”時，男人可能聽成：“我做每件事，你卻什麽也不做，你應該多做點，我無法全部事情一手包辦。我覺得很絕望，我要的是與一個“真正的男人”生活。選擇你真是天大的錯誤。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "I am so tired, I can't do anything" a man may hear "I do everything and you do nothing. You should do more. I can't do it all. I feel so hopeless. I want a 'real man' to live with. Picking you was a big mistake."

F：“我想把所有事都忘得一幹二淨。”

翻譯成火星人能懂的表達應該是：“我要你知道我愛我的工作和生活，但是今天我很慌亂。在我再次負起責任之前，我想做些能真正滋養出自的事。你可以問我出了什麽事，然後安靜地聽我說別提供意見好嗎？我隻是要你了解我麵臨的壓力，那會使我好過很多，幫助我輕鬆。明天，我就能再對事情負起責任。”

"I want to forget everything" translated into Martian means "I want you to know that I love my work and my life but today I am so overwhelmed. I would love to do something really nurturing for myself before I have to be responsible again. Would you ask me 'What's the matter?' and then listen with empathy without offering any solutions? I just want to feel you understanding the pressures I feel. It would make me feel so much better. It helps me to relax. Tomorrow I will get back to being responsible and handling things."

若沒這樣翻譯，當女人說：“我想把所有事都忘得一幹二淨。”時，男人可能會聽成：“我得做這麽多我不願意做的事，和你在一起，我一點也不快樂。我要一個可令我生命更豐富的伴侶，你十分不稱職。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "I want to forget everything" a man may hear "I have to do so much that I don't want to do. I am so unhappy with you and our relationship. I want a better partner who can make my life more fulfilling. You are doing a terrible job."

　　F：“房間裏老是亂七八糟。”

翻譯成火星人的意思是：“我今天想輕鬆一下，房裏卻這麽亂，我感到挫折，想休息一下，希望你別期望我打掃房子。你同意這房子稍微亂一點，或願幫忙清理一部分嗎？”

"This house is always a mess" translated into Martian means "Today I feel like relaxing, but the house is so

messy. I am frustrated and I need a rest. I hope you don't expect me to clean it all up. Would you agree with me that it is a mess and then offer to help clean up part of it?"

若沒有這樣翻譯，當女人說：“房裏老是亂七八糟。”時，男人可能聽成：“這房子因為你才變成亂七八糟，我盡所能地打掃，還沒掃幹淨，你就又把它弄得一塌糊塗，你更是邋遢懶惰，我不要和你住在一起，除非你改變。看你是要清掃房子或自己掃地出門。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "This house is always a mess" a man may hear "This house is a mess because of you. I do everything possible to clean it up, and before I have finished, you have messed it up again. You are a lazy slob and I don't want to live with you unless you change. Clean up or clear out!

　　F：“再也沒人要聽我說話了。”

翻譯成火星人的意思是：“我恐怕讓你感到枯燥乏味了，我怕你對我再也沒有興趣了。我今天似乎特別敏感，你可以給我一些特別的注意嗎？我今天真難過，覺得好像沒有人要聽我說話。你會傾聽我、繼續問我一些支持性的問題嗎？像是：。今天發生了什麽事？還發生了哪些事？你覺得怎樣？你想要什麽？你還有其他感受嗎？”同時說些關心、了解、安慰的話來支持我，像是：“多說一點。”“你說得對。”“我知道你的意思。”“我了解。”或者隻是傾聽，在我停頓時偶爾說：“哦。”“嗯。”“哼。”“喔。””(火星人抵達金星前仿佛未聽過這些聲音)。

"No one listens to me anymore" translated into Martian means "I am afraid I am boring to you. I am

afraid you are no longer interested in me. I seem to be very sensitive today. Would you give me some special attention? I would love it. I've had a hard day and feel as though no one wants to hear what I have to say."Would you listen to me and continue to ask me supportive questions such as: 'What happened today? What else happened? How did you feel? What did you want? How else do you feel?' Also support me by saying caring, acknowledging, and reassuring statements such as: 'Tell me more' or 'That's right' or 'I know what you mean' or 'I understand.' Or just listen, and occasionally when I pause make one of these reassuring sounds: 'oh,"humph,"uh‑huh,' and 'hmmm."' (Note: Martians had never heard of these sounds before arriving on Venus.)

若沒有這樣翻譯，當女人說：“再也沒人要聽我說話了。”時，男人可能聽成：“我時常注意你，但你總是不肯聽我說話，你變成一個枯燥乏味的人了，我需要的是能放鬆、有興味的人，你已經不是了，你令我失望，既自私又漠不關心。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "No one listens to me anymore" he may hear "I give you my attention but you don't listen to me. You used to. You have become a very boring person to be with. I want someone exciting and interesting and you are definitely not that person. You have disappointed me. You are selfish, uncaring, and bad."

　　F:“沒有一件事做得好。”

翻譯成火星人的意思是：“我今天很慌亂，但很高興能與你分享我的感覺，讓我舒服些。我今天好像沒有一件事做得好，我知道這並非實情，但當我被所有我做的事搞得亂七八糟時，我就是這麽想。你能抱著我，告訴我，我做得很好嗎？這真的會讓我好過一點。”

"Nothing is working" translated into Martian means "Today I am so overwhelmed and I am so grateful that I can share my feelings with you. It helps me so much to feel better. Today it seems like nothing I do works. I know that this is not true, but I sure feel that way when I get so overwhelmed by all the things I still have to do. Would you give me a hug and tell me that I am doing a great job. It would sure feel good."

若沒這樣翻譯，當女人說：“沒有一件事做得好。”時，男人可能聽成：“你從沒做對事，我不信任你，我若不是聽了你的話，也不會搞得一團糟，別的男人可能可以好好解決事情，你隻會愈弄愈糟。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "Nothing is working" a man may hear "You never do anything right. I can't trust you. If I hadn't listened to you I wouldn't be in this mess. Another man would have fixed things, but you made them worse."

　　F：“你不再愛我了。”

翻譯成火星人的意思是：“我今天覺得你好像不愛我了，我怕是我把你推開了，我知道你真的愛我，為我做了許多事。我今天就是沒有安全感，你能再確定你愛我，並說出這奇妙的三個字嗎？你若這麽說，我會覺得很舒服。”

"You don't love me anymore" translated into Martian means "Today I am feeling as though you don't love me. I am afraid I have pushed you away. I know you really do love me, you do so much for me. Today I am just feeling a little insecure. Would you reassure me of your love and tell me those three magic words, I love you. When you do that it feels so good."

若沒有這樣翻譯，當女人說：“你不再愛我了。”時，男人可能聽成：“我給了你我生命中最好的時光，你卻什麽也沒給我，你在利用我，你既自私又冷酷，你隻為了自己做你要做的事，不關心任何人。我真笨才會愛上你。現在我已經一無所有了。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "You don't love me anymore" a man may hear "I have given you the best years of my life, and you have given me nothing. You used me. You are selfish and cold. You do what you want to do, for you and only you. You do not care about anybody. I was a fool for loving you. Now I have nothing."

　　F：“我們老是匆匆忙忙。”

翻譯成火星人的意思是：“我覺得今天很匆忙，我不喜歡匆忙，我希望我們的生命不要這麽忙碌，我知道這不是誰的錯，我也不是責備你，你已盡力讓我們準時，我很感激你的關心。你能和我感同身受，並說：“我們老是匆忙，我也不喜歡匆忙。”嗎？”

"We are always in a hurry" translated into Martian means "I feel so rushed today. I don't like rushing. I wish our life was not so hurried. I know it is nobody's fault and I certainly don't blame you. I know you are doing your best to get us there on time and I really appreciate how much you care.

"Would you empathize with me and say something like, 'It is hard always rushing around. I don't always like rushing either.`

若沒有這樣翻譯，當女人說：“我們老是匆匆忙忙。”時，男人可能聽成：“你沒一點責任感，你都等到最後一分鍾才肯做事，我和你在一起從沒快樂過。為了避免遲到，我們總是匆匆忙忙，我和你在一起時，你每次都把事情搞砸，你不在身邊我最快樂了。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "We are always in a hurry" a man may hear "You are so irresponsible. You wait until the last minute to do everything. I can never be happy when I am with you. We are always rushing to avoid being late. You ruin things every time I am with you. I am so much happier when I am not around you."

　　F：“我想浪漫一點。”

翻譯成火星人的意思是：“甜心，你最近工作得很辛苦，讓我們為了自己休息休息，我喜歡沒工作壓力又沒小孩在身邊時的輕鬆感。你很浪漫，可不可以有時候送我花讓我驚奇一下，並帶我出去約會？我喜歡浪漫。”

"I want more romance" translated into Martian means "Sweetheart, you have been working so hard lately. Lees take some time out for ourselves. I love it when we can relax and be alone without the kids around and no work pressures. You are so romantic. Would you surprise me with flowers sometime soon and take me out on a date? I love being romanced."

若沒有這樣翻譯，當女人說：“我想浪漫一點。”時，男人可能聽成：“你不再令我滿意，也不能令我歡心了，你的浪漫技巧不足，你從沒滿足我，我希望你更像我以前認識的男人。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "I want more romance" a man may hear "You don't satisfy me anymore. I am not turned on to you. Your romantic skills are definitely inadequate. You have never really fulfilled me. I wish you were more like other men I have been with."

使用幾年這個字典後，男人一覺得被罵或批評時，就不必每次都查字典，他自然會了解女人的想法和感覺，知道這些戲劇性的語言不可當真，而隻是女人表達感覺的方法。

After using this dictionary for a few years, a man doesn't need to pick it up each time he feels blamed or criticized. He begins to understand the way women think and feel. He learns that these kinds of dramatic phrases are not to be taken literally. They are just the way women express feeling more fully. That's the way it was done on Venus and people from Mars need to remember that! 

火星人不說話時

WHEN MARTIANS DON'T TALK

男人的最大挑戰之一是，女人在談論她的問題時，能夠正確解讀正確含義及支持她；女人的最大挑戰是，男人不說話時，能夠正確解讀及支持他。女人最容易誤解沉默。女人的最大挑戰是，男人不說話時，能夠正確解讀及支持他。

One of the big challenges for men is correctly to interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn't talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women. 

男人常常會停止溝通，變得沉默，但在金星上從沒聽過這樣的事，女人首先想到的是男人聾了，她以為他可能沒聽到人家談的話，以致沒有回答。

Quite often a man will suddenly stop communicating and become silent. This was unheard of on Venus. At first a woman thinks the man is deaf. She thinks that maybe he doesn't hear what's being said and that is why he is not responding. 

男人和女人思考及處理資訊的方法差異甚大。女人把想法說出來，與有興趣的聽眾分享她發現內在的過程，甚至今日女人也仍然透過純粹談天，發現她要說的內容。這種讓想法自由流暢和勇敢表達的過程中，幫助她們進入直覺，有時這方法是十分普遍和特別需要的。

You see men and women think and process information very differently. Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. Even today, a woman often discovers what she wants to say through the process of just talking. This process of just letting thoughts flow freely and expressing them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. This process is perfectly normal and especially necessary sometimes. 

男人處理資料的態度卻十分不同。他們在談論或回答之前，就先慎思熟慮一番，或思考他們所聽到或經曆過的。透過內在思考與沉默，他們找出最正確或有用的回答。他們先在心裏衡量規畫之後才會表達出來。這過程可能要花上數分鍾到數小時。如果他沒有足夠的資料來幫助他產生答案時，他可能無法全部回答，而這更令女人感到困惑。

But men process information very differently. Before they talk or respond, they first silently "mull over" or think about what they have heard or experienced. Internally and silently they figure out the most correct or useful response. They first formulate it inside and then express it. This process could take from minutes to hours. And to make matters even more confusing for women, if he does not have enough information to process an answer, a man may not respond at all. 

當男人沉默時，女人必須了解他說的是：“我還不知道怎麽說，但我正在想。”而不是說：“我不要回答，因為我不在乎你，我要忽視你。你對我說的都不重要，所以我不要回答。”

Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying "I don't know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it." Instead what they hear is "I am not responding to you because I don't care about you and I am going to ignore you. What you have said to me is not important and therefore I am not responding." 

她如何回應他的沉默

Now She Reacts to His Silence

女人常誤解男人的沉默。若她那天心情不好，可能就會把情況想得很糟“他討厭我，他不愛我，他永遠離開我了。”然後可能觸發恐懼：“我怕他一拒絕我就不再愛我了，我不值得被愛。”

Women misinterpret a man's silence. Depending on how she is feeling that day she may begin to imagine the very worst‑"He hates me, he doesn't love me, he is leaving me forever." This may then trigger her deepest fear, which is "I am afraid that if he rejects me then I will never be loved. I don't deserve to be loved."

男人一沉默，女人就容易把情況想得很糟糕，因為女人唯一沉默的時候是她說出去的話令自己受了傷害，或是她不想和不信任的人說話，不願和他有何瓜葛。男人突然沉默，女人就缺乏安全感，這是一點也不稀奇的事。

When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst because the only times a woman would be silent are when what she had to say would be hurtful or when she didn't want to talk to a person because she didn't trust him anymore and wanted to have nothing to do with hirn. No wonder women become insecure when a man suddenly becomes quiet!

男人一沉默，女人就容易把情況想得很糟糕。

當一個女人聽另一個女人講話時，她會讓講話者知道她正關心地聽著，當講話者停頓時，這女性聽者會直覺地回答讓講話者安心的聲音，像是：“哦、哼、嗯、啊、喔：…．等。”

When a woman listens to another woman, she will continue to reassure the speaker that she is listening and that she cares. Instinctively when the speaker pauses the female listener will reassure the speaker by making reassuring responses like "oh, uh‑huh, hmmm, ah, ah‑ha, or humph."

男人若不做這些可令對方安心的回應，他的沉默可能就會對女人造成十分嚴重的威脅。當然，女人透過了解男人的洞穴，就可以正確學到男人沉默的含義，而得以做適當的回應。

Without these reassuring responses, a man's silence can be very threatening. Through understanding a man's cave, women can learn to interpret a man's silence correctly, and to respond to it.

了解洞穴的存在

Understanding the Cove

在兩性關係真正相融之前，女人必須多學習了解男人。她們必須知道，當男人難過或感受壓力時，會自動停止談話，去他們的“洞穴”尋找解答;她們必須知道，即使是他最好的朋友也不能進入洞穴，這是火星上處理壓力的方式。女人不必害怕是她們做錯了什麽事，隻要逐漸學習了解，讓男人進入洞穴，一段時間後，他出自然會出來，一切都會沒問題的。

Women have a lot to learn about men before their relationships can be really fulfilling. They need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to his "cave" to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave, not even the man's best friends. This was the way it was on Mars. Women should not become scared that they have done something terribly wrong. They need gradually to learn that if you just let men go into their caves, after a while they will come out and everything will be fine. 

這個學習課程對女人而言十分困難，因為金星上的黃金定律之一是，從不遺棄難過的朋友。當她最心愛的火星人難過時，遺棄他似乎是沒有愛心的行為，她會因關心他而想進入他的洞穴幫忙。

This lesson is difficult for women because on Venus one of the golden rules was never to abandon a friend when she was upset. It just doesn't seem loving to abandon her favorite Martian when he is upset. Because she cares for him, a woman wants to come into his cave and offer him help. 

另外，她誤以為如果她能問一堆和他感覺有關的問題，成為他的好聽眾，他就會感到舒服一點，但這樣做其實隻會讓火星人更難過。她直覺地想以她希望被支持的方式支持他，用意雖好，但卻適得其反。

In addition, she often mistakenly assumes that if she could ask him lots of questions about how he is feeling and he a good listener, then he would feel better. This only upsets Martians more. She instinctively wants to support hirn in the way that she would want to be supported. Her intentions are good, but the outcome is counterproductive. 

男人和女人都得停止提供他們自以為是的方法，去學習他們伴侶的思想、感覺及反應的方式。

Both men and women need to stop offering the method of caring they would prefer and start to learn the different ways their partners think, feel, and react. 

男人為何進入洞穴中

Why Men 66 bite Their C~

有許多理由會使男人進入洞穴或變得沉默：

　　一、他需要思考一個問題，並尋求這個問題的答案。

　　二、他對問題沒有答案。男人從來不會說：“哎呀！我沒有答案，我需要到我的洞穴去找。”當他沉默時，別的男人會以為他隻是沒答案。

　　三、他難過或感到壓力時。此時，他必須獨處冷靜下來發現重新掌握的方法。他不願做或說會令他後悔的事。

    四、他需要尋找自我。當男人戀愛時，這四個理由便顯得非常重要。他們有時會迷失或者忘記自己，感覺到過度的親熱剝奪了他們的力量。他們需要調節他們所擁有的親密關係。不管何時，隻要因太親密而迷失自己時，警鈐一響，他們便往洞穴去，結果總能恢複活力，再次尋找到愛與力量。

Men go into their caves or become quiet for a variety of reasons.

I. He needs to think about a problem and find a practical solution to the problem.

2. He doesn't have an answer to a question or a problem. Men were never taught to say "Gee, I don't have an answer. I need to go into my cave and find one." Other men assume he is doing just that when he becomes quiet.

3. He has become upset or stressed. At such times he needs to be alone to cool off and find his control again. He doesn't want to do or say anything he might regret.

4. He needs to find himself. This fourth reason becomes very important when men are in love. At times they begin to lose and forget themselves. They can feel that too much intimacy robs them of their power. They need to regulate how close they get. Whenever they get too close so as to lose themselves, alarm bells go off and they are on their way into the cave. As a result they are rejuvenated and find their loving and powerful self again.

女人為何想說話

Why W~ Talk

　　女人說話，總有許多不同的理由，有時這些理由正是男人停止說話的理由，最常見的有四種：

　　一、傳播或搜集資料(這是男人談話的唯一理由)

　　二、探討和發現她想說的(男人此時停止說話，往內心尋找想說的。女人則用說話讓想法出來)。

　　三、難過時，藉著談話讓自己舒服及集中精神(他難過時則停止說話，在他的洞穴裏，他有機會冷靜下來)。

    四、為了增加親密。透過分享內在的感覺，她可以確認自己是可愛的(火星人則以停止說話來再次發現口自己。他怕太過親密會迷失自己)。

Women talk for a variety of reasons. Sometimes women talk for the same reasons that men stop talking. These are four common reasons that women talk:

I. To convey or gather information. (This is generally the only reason a man talks.)

2. To explore and discover what it is she wants to say. (He stops talking to figure out inside what he wants to say. She talks to think out loud.)

3. To feel better and more centered when she is upset. (He stops talking when he is upset. In his cave he has a chance to cool off.)

4. To create intimacy. Through sharing her inner feelings she is able to know her loving self. (A Martian stops talking to find himself again. Too much intimacy, he fears, will rob him of himself.)

若不了解男女需要的不同，我們就常常可見到男女關係中充滿了爭執。

Without this vital understanding of our differences and needs it is easy to see why couples struggle so much in relationships.

 

火龍出現了

Getting Burned by the Dragon

 

在男人還沒準備好之前，女人最好不要試圖要男人說話，這個認知十分重要。我在演講時談論到這個主題，一名印第安人說她部落裏的媽媽們，指導年輕婦女結婚後，要記得當男人難過或感受壓力時，會孤立起來到他的洞穴去。由於司空見慣，她並不把男人到洞穴當成私人問題。男人到洞穴並不表示不愛她，媽媽們向她保證他會再回來。媽媽們更是諄諄教誨年輕婦女別跟著男人去洞穴，否則會被守在洞口的火龍燒傷。

It is important for women to understand not to try and get a man to talk before he is ready. While discussing this topic in one of my seminars. a Native American shared that in her tribe mothers would instruct young women getting married to remember that when a man was upset or stressed he would withdraw into his cave. She was not to take it personally because it would happen from time to time. It did not mean that he did not love her. They assured her that he would come back. But most important they warned the young woman never to follow him into his cave. If she did then she would get burned by the dragon who protected the cave.

千萬匆進入男人的洞穴，否則你會被火龍燒傷。

女人跟隨男人進入洞穴，常會引起許多不必要的衝突。這情況是因女人尚未了解男人難過時，真的需要的是獨處或沉默。男人孤立到他的洞穴時，女人不明了到底出了什麽事，她試著讓他講話，如果有問題，她希望能把他從洞穴中帶出來，兩人一起討論，她想教育他。

Much unnecessary conflict has resulted from a woman following a man into his cave. Women just haven't understood that men really do need to be alone or silent when they are upset. When a man

withdraws into his cave a woman just doesn't understand what is happening. She naturally tries to get him to talk. If there is a problem she hopes to nurture him by drawing him out and getting him to talk about it. 

　她問：“出了什麽事嗎？”他說：“沒有。”但她能感覺到他不愉快，她不知道他為何壓抑自己的感覺。她沒讓他在洞穴裏解決問題，她擅自解釋他的內在過程。再問：“我知道一定有些問題困擾你，是什麽事？”

　　他說：“沒什麽事。”

　　她問：“沒什麽事？一定有事困擾你，你覺得怎樣？”

　　他說：“聽著，我很好，請讓我一個人靜一靜。”

她說：“你怎麽可以這樣對待我？你不再和我講話了。我這樣積極想了解你的想法，你卻不愛我了，我覺得你在拒絕我。”

She asks "Is there something wrong?" He says "No." But she can feel he is upset. She wonders why he is withholding his feelings. Instead of letting him work it out inside his cave she unknowingly interrupts his internal process. She asks again "I know something is bothering you, what is it?"

He says "It's nothing."

She asks "It's not nothing. Something's bothering you. What are you feeling?"

He says "Look, I'm fine. Now leave me alone!"

She says "How can you treat me like this? You never talk to me anymore. How am I supposed to know what you are feeling? You don't love me. I feel so rejected by you." 

這時他失去控製，開始講些會讓自己以後後悔的話。他的火龍出來燒傷她了。

At this point he loses control and begins saying things that he will regret later. His dragon comes out and hums her.

 WHEN MARTIANS DO TALK

女人受燒傷不隻是她們無知地侵犯了男人內省的時間，也是她們誤解了他警告她們他正在洞穴中或正往洞穴途中的表達。女人問：“出了什麽事？”火星人簡短的說：“沒事。”或“我很好。”這些簡短訊號是金星人知道給他空間獨自解決困擾的唯一方法。男人以沉默代替說明：“我很難過，我需要獨處的時間。”

Women get burned not only when they unknowingly invade a man's introspective time but also when they misinterpret his expressions, which are generally warnings that he is either in his cave or on his way to the cave. When asked "What's the matter?" a Martian will say something brief like "It's nothing" or "I am OK."

These brief signals are generally the only way a Venusian knows to give him space to work out his feelings alone. Instead of saying "I am upset and I need some time to be alone," men just become quiet.

下表列了六個常見的簡短警告訊號，同時也列出女人此時常表現出無辜的、不支持的強製性回應。

In the following chart six commonly expressed abbreviated warning signals are fisted as well as how a woman might unknowingly respond in an intrusive and unsupportive manner: 

六個常見的簡短警告訊號

SIX COMMON ABBREVIATED WARNING SIGNALS

   當女人問：“出了什麽事？”

When a woman asks "What's the matter?"

 

男人可能說                                                 女人可能回答．

A Man ‑Ms                                             A woman M respond

“我沒怎樣。”或“沒什麽。”                “我知道一定有事，是什麽事？”                           

"I'm OK" or "It's OK.'                           " I know something's wrong. What is it?"

“我很好。”或“萬事順利。”                 “但你似乎很難過，我們談談吧！”   

 "I'm fine" or "It's fine."                          "But you seem upset. Let's talk."

 “沒事。”                             　　        “我知道一定有事困擾你，我想幫你，到底是什麽事？”

"It's nothing."                                                    "I want to help. I know something is bothering you. What is it?"

 “一切都很好。”或“我沒事。”             “真的嗎？我很樂意幫助你。”

"It's all right" or "I'm all right."               "Are you sure? I am happy to help you."

 “沒什麽大不了的事。”            　　   “但有事讓你難過，我想我們需要談一談。”

"It's no big deal."                                  "But something is upsetting you. I think we should talk. "

“沒問題。”                                          “但是我知道有問題，我可以幫忙。”

"It's no problem."                                  "But it is a problem. I could help."       

                                                                   

當男人有上述簡短的話語時，通常表示他需要安靜的空間。這事偶爾發生時，金星人為了避免誤解和不必要的恐慌，可以參考“火星人／金星人語法辭典”，若沒有辭典的幫忙，女人會誤解這些簡短的表達。

When a man makes one of the above abbreviated comments he generally wants silent acceptance or space. At times like this, to avoid misinterpretation and unnecessary panic, the Venusians consulted their Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary. Without this assistance, women misinterpret these abbreviated expressions.

女人必須知道當男人說：“我沒事。”時，即是男人簡短的敘述他的真正意思，意思是：“我沒事，因為我可以獨自解決事情。我不需要任何幫忙，請以不要打擾我的方式來幫忙我。相信我能獨力解決所有事。”

Women need to know that when a man says "I am OK" it is an abbreviated version of what he really means, which is "I am OK because I can deal with this alone. I do not need any help. Please support me by not worrying about me. Trust that I can deal with it all by myself." 

若沒這樣翻譯，當他難過地說：“我沒事。”時，女人聽來會覺得好像他在克製感覺或問題，然後女人企圖以提問題、談論問題來幫助他。她不知道他說的是簡短的語言。以下是他們字典的摘錄。

Without this translation, when he is upset and says "I am OK" it sounds to her as if he is denying his feelings or problems. She then attempts to help him by asking questions or talking about what she thinks the problem is. She does not know that he is speaking an

abbreviated language. The following are excerpts from their phrase dictionary.

 

火星人／金星人語法辭典

The Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary

　　M：“我沒怎樣。”

　　翻譯成金星人想聽的意思是：“我沒怎樣，我可以處理我的難過，我不需要任何幫忙，謝謝。”

若沒有這樣翻譯，當他說：“我沒怎樣。”時，她可能聽成：“我不難過，因為我根本不在乎。”或者她可能聽成：“我不願和你分享我的難過感覺。我不信任你會為我著想。”

"I'm OK" translated into Venusian means "I am OK, I can deal with my upset. I don't need any help, dunk you."

Without this translation, when he says "I am M' she may hear "I am not upset because I do not care" or she may hear ‑I am not willing to share with you my upset feelings. I do not trust you to be there for me."

　　M：“我很好。”

　　翻譯成金星人能懂的意思是：“我很好，因為我成功地處理我的難過或問題。我不需要任何幫助，如果我需要，我會要求。”

若沒有這樣翻譯，當他說：“我很好。”時，她可能聽成：“我不在乎出了什麽事。這問題對我不重要，就算它令你難過，我也不在乎。”

"Im fine" translated into Venusian means "I am fine because I am successfully dealing with my upset or problem. I don't need any help. If I do I will ask."

Without this translation, when he says "I am fine" she may hear "I don't care about what has happened. This problem is not important to me. Even if it upsets you, I don't care."

　　M：“沒事。”

　　翻譯成金星人的意思是：“沒有什麽困擾我的事是我不能掌握的。請別再問我任何和它有關的事。”

若沒有這樣翻譯，當他說：“沒什麽事困擾我。”時，她可能聽成：“我不知道什麽困擾我，我需要你問我問題，好幫助我發現發生了什麽事。”基於這個觀點，當他想獨處時，女人反而因提問題而激怒了他。

"It's nothing" translated into Venusian means "Nothing is bothering me that I cannot handle alone. Please don't ask any more questions about it."

Without this translation, when he says "Nothing is bothering me" she may hear "I don't know what is bothering me. I need you to ask me questions to assist me in discovering what is happening." At this point she proceeds to anger him by asking questions when he really wants to be left alone.

　　M：“一切都很好。”

　　翻譯成金星人的意思是：“有問題，可是你沒有責備我。如果你不要問太多問題或提供建議，我可以自己做決定。你隻要當它沒發生，我可以更有效率地把問題處理掉。”

若沒有這樣翻譯，當他說：“一切都很好。”時，她可能聽成：“事情本來就該如此，不需做什麽改變。你能虐待我，我也能虐待你。”或者聽成：“這次一切都很好，但記住，你是犯了錯。你可以犯一次錯，但不可再犯。”

"It's all right" translated into Venusian means 'This is a problem but you are not to blame. I can resolve this within myself if you don't interrupt my process by asking more questions or offering suggestions. just act

like it didn't happen and I can process it within myself more effectively."

Without this translation, when he says "It's all right" she may hear "This is the way it is supposed to be. Nothing needs to be changed. You can abuse me and I can abuse you" or she hears "It's all right this time, but remember it is your fault. You can do this once but don't do it again or else. "

　　M：“沒什麽大不了的事。”

　　翻譯成金星人的意思是：“沒什麽大不了，因為我可以讓事情再次順利。請不要拘泥或談論這個問題，那會令我更難過。我接受解決這問題的責任，我很樂意解決。”

若沒這樣翻譯，當他說：“沒什麽大不了的事。”時，她可能聽成：“你是沒事找事，和你有關的事沒什麽重要，不必反應過火。”

"It's no big deal" translated into Venusian means "It is no big deal because I can make things work again. Please don't dwell on this problem or talk more about it. That makes me more upset. I accept responsibility for solving this problem. It makes me happy to solve it."

Without this translation, when he says "It's no big deal" she may hear "You are making a big deal out of nothing. What concerns you is not important. Don't overreact." 

　　M：“沒問題。”

　　翻譯成金星人的意思是：“做這件事或解決這個問題對我而言很輕易，我很樂意提供這禮物給你。”

若沒有這樣翻譯，當他說：“沒問題。”時，她可能聽成：“根本沒問題，為何你認為有問題或要尋求幫忙呢？”然後她可能錯誤地解釋為何她認為它是問題。

"It's no problem" translated into Venusian means "I have no problem doing this or solving this problem. It is my pleasure to offer this gift to you."

Without this translation, when he says "It's no problem" she may hear 'This is not a problem. Why are you making it a problem or asking for help?" She then mistakenly explains to him why it is a problem.

 

當男人精簡他們所要說的話時，使用“火星人／金星人語法辭典”可幫助女人了解男人真正的意思。有時，他真正說的和她聽到的正好相反。

Using this Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary can assist women in understanding what men really mean when they abbreviate what they are saying. Sometimes what he is really saying is the opposite of what she hears.

如何支持正在洞穴中的男人

WHAT TO DO WHEN HE GOES INTO HIS CAVE 

我在解釋洞穴與火龍時，女人們想知道如何才能縮短男人在洞穴的時間。我要求男人基於這個觀點回答，他們大體上說，女人愈要他們講話或出來，他們留在裏麵的時間就愈久。

In my seminars when I explain about caves and dragons, women want to know how they can shorten the time men spend in their caves. At this point I ask the men to answer, and they generally say that the more women try to get them to talk or come out, the longer it takes.

男人另一個普遍說法是：“當配偶不同意我留在洞穴時，我就很難走出洞穴。”想使男人在洞穴中有罪惡感，反而促使想出洞的男人又回到他的洞穴裏。男人去洞穴通常是因受了創傷或壓力，想獨自在洞穴裏解決問題，女人此時想用自己的方法支持他，反而會得到反效果。

Another common comment by men is "It is hard to come out of the cave when I feel my mate disapproves of the time I spend in the cave." To make a man feel wrong for going into his cave has the effect of pushing him back into the cave even when he wants to come out. When a man goes into his cave he is generally wounded or stressed and is trying to solve his problem alone. To give him the support that a woman would want is counterproductive.

這裏有六項支持的方法，給他這些支持同時可縮短他在洞穴裏的時間。

There are basically six ways to support him when he goes into his cave. (Giving him this support will also shorten the time he needs to spend alone.) Now to Supped a Man in His Cove

 

　　一、不要反對他想孤立的需求。

　　二、不要試圖提供解答來幫助他解決他的問題。

　　三、不要以問他的感覺來試圖教育他。

　　四、不要坐在洞穴邊等待他出來。

　　五、別擔心他，也不要對他表示抱歉。

    六、做些可令你出自己快樂的事。

I. Don't disapprove of his need for withdrawing.

2. Don't try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.

3. Don't try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.

4. Don't sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out.

5. Don't worry about him or feel sorry for him.

6. Do something that makes you happy.

如果你需要“講話”，就寫一封信給他，讓他出洞穴時讀，如果你需要安慰，就和朋友談談話，不要把他視為令你滿足的唯一來源。

If you need to "talk," write him a letter to he read later when he is out, and if you need to be nurtured, talk to a friend. Don't make him the sole source of your fulfillment.

男人要他最喜愛的金星人相信他能排解困擾他的事，這對他的榮譽、驕傲、自尊十分重要。怛她卻很難不擔心他。擔心別人是女人表達愛與關心的方式，女人覺得，當你所愛的人難過時，你似乎不應該快樂。他當然不想看到她快樂，因為他正在難過，但他真的要她快樂，隻要她快樂，他就少了一件擔心的事。她的快樂使他感覺到她的愛。當女人快樂、沒有煩惱時，男人更容易走出洞穴。

A man wants his favorite Venusian to trust that be can handle what is bothering him. To be trusted that he can handle his problems is very important to his honor, pride, and self‑esteem.Not worrying about him is difficult for her. Worrying for others is one way women express their love and caring. It is a way of showing love. For a woman, being happy when the person you love is upset just doesn't seem right. He certainly doesn't want her to be happy because he is upset, but he does want her to be happy. He wants her to be happy so that he has one less problem to worry about. In addition he wants her to be happy because it helps him to feel loved by her. When a woman is happy and free from worry, it is easier for him to come out.

有趣的是，男人則以不擔心來表示他們的愛。男人會反問：“你怎麽會擔心你喜愛及信任的人？”他們通常會說這樣的話來支持對方：“別煩惱，你一定可以排解。”或“那是他們的問題，不是你的。”或“我相信事情可以解決。”男人以不擔憂或減少他們的麻煩來支持他人。

Ironically men show their love by not worrying. A man questions "How can you worry about someone whom you admire and trust?" Men commonly support one another by saying phrases such as "Don't worry, you can handle it" or "That's their problem, not yours" or "I'm sure it will work out." Men support one another by not worrying or minimizing their troubles.

我費了好多年才知道我太太在難過時，希望我擔心她。若不警覺我們的要求不同，我會輕視了關心她的重要，隻會使她更難過。

It took me years to understand that my wife actually wanted me to worry for her when she was upset. Without this awareness of our different needs, I would minimize the importance of her concerns. This only made her more upset.

男人去洞穴通常是試著解決問題，如果他的配偶此時既快樂又不需要他，在他出洞穴前，可少一件待解決的問題。知道她樂於和他相處，可讓他在洞穴裏更有力量處理自己的問題。

When a man goes into his cave he is generally trying to solve a problem. If his mate is happy or not needy at this time, then he has one less problem to solve before coming out. Knowing that she is happy with him also gives him more strength to deal with his problem while in the cave.

任何可使她分心又高興的事都對他有益。以下有些活動可以嚐試：

Anything that distracts her or helps her to feel good will be helpful to him. These are some examples:

．閱讀／找資料．聽音樂．做做園藝工作．運動．看電視或錄影帶．聽自我成長錄音帶．犒賞自己美食．打電話和朋友談心．寫日記．逛街買束西．祈禱或計畫事項．散步．泡澡／三溫暖．看心理治療師、參加工作坊

Read a book    Call a girlfriend for a good chat     Listen to music    Work in the garden  Write in a journal

Exercise    Go shopping    Get a massage    Pray or meditate   Listen to self‑ improvement tapes    Go for a walk    Take a bubble bath    Treat yourself to something delicious             See a therapist    Watch TV or a video

火星人也推薦金星人做些可讓她們高興的事。金星人在朋友受創傷時很難開心，但她們有她們的方法，每當她們最愛的火星人去洞穴時，她們就去買束西或出門旅行。金星人喜歡買東西，我太太邦妮有時也利用這個技巧，當她看見我在洞穴時，她就去逛街買東西。我從來不覺得該為我火星人的一麵感到抱歉。當她能照顧自己時，我也覺得能安心的在洞穴裏。她相信我會調整自己，然後更具愛心地回到她身邊。

The Martians also recommended that the Venusians do sornething enjoyable. It was hard to conceive of being happy when a friend was hurting, but the Venusians did find a way. Every time their favorite Martian went into his cave, they would go shopping or out on some other pleasing excursion. Venusians love to shop. My wife, Bonnie, sometimes uses this technique. When she sees I am in my cave, she goes shopping. I never feel like I have to apologize for my Martian side. When she can take care of herself I feel OK taking care of myself and going into my cave. She trusts that I will come back and be more loving.

她知道我去洞穴時，不是談話的好時機。當我表示對她有興趣時，她便知道我已走出洞穴，可以開始交談了。有時她漫不經心地說：“你想說話時，我才樂意花時間和你在一起。可以讓我知道你何時想說話嗎？”這樣，她不必要求就可以測試答案了。

She knows that when I go into my cave is not the right time to talk. When I begin showing signs of interest in her, she recognizes that I am coming out of the cave, and it is then a time to talk. Sometimes she will casually say, "When you feel like talking, I would like to spend some time together Would you let me know when?" In this way she can test the waters without being pushy or demanding.

如何支持火星人

NOW TO COMMUNICATE SUPPORT TO A MARTIAN

男人出了洞穴後也想被信任，他們不喜歡非懇求的忠告或同情。他們要證明自己的能力，不需外力幫忙就可完成事情是他們最大的榮耀(但是對女人而言，有人來幫忙她，和她建立支持關係，才是她最大的榮耀)。男人在女人說下麵這些話時，才感到受支持：“除非你要求幫忙，否則我相信你能排解事情。”

Even when they are out of the cave men want to be trusted. They don't like unsolicited advice or empathy They need to prove themselves. Being able to accomplish things without the help of others is a feather in their cap. (While. for a woman, when someone assists her, having a supportive relationship is a feather in her cap.) A man feels supported when a woman communicates in a way that says "I trust you to handle things unless you directly ask for help."

要這樣支持男人，剛開始時很困難。許多女人覺得她們想在兩性關係中獲取所需的唯一方式，是批評男人的錯誤及提供未經懇求的忠告。若沒有一個知道如何支持丈夫的母親角色為模範，女人往往不懂該如何直接鼓勵男人給她們支持——不經批評或提供忠告。另外，她不喜歡男人的表現方式時，她也不懂該如何不加以指責而直接告訴他，她不喜歡他的表現。

Learning to support men in this way can be very difficult in the beginning. Many women feel that the only way they can get what they need in a relationship is to criticize a man when he makes mistakes and to offer unsolicited advice. Without a role model of a mother who knew how to receive support from a man, it does not occur to women that they can encourage a man to give more by directly asking for support‑without being critical or offering advice. In addition, if he behaves in a manner that she does not like she can

simply and directly tell him that she doesn't like his behavior, without casting judgment that he is wrong or bad. 

勿以批評或忠告接近男人

Now to Approach a Man With Criticism or Advice

若不了解男人會因非懇求的忠告和批評而避開，許多女人會覺得無能為力向男人獲取所需。南茜對兩性關係感到挫折，她說：“我一直不知道如何以批評和忠告接近男人。如果他的餐桌禮儀很惡劣或穿得很差勁怎麽辦？如果他是個好人，但是他和別人在一起的行徑看來像個笨蛋，使他和別人相處有了麻煩，那該怎麽辦？我該怎麽做？不管我告訴他什麽，他總是生氣或抵抗或不理我。”

Without an understanding of how they are turning men off with unsolicited advice and criticism, many women feel powerless to get what they need and want from a man. Nancy was frustrated in her relationships. She said, "I still don't know how to approach a man with criticism and advice. What if his table manners are atrocious or he dresses really, really badly? What if he's a nice guy but you see he's got a pattern of behaving with people in a way that makes him look like a jerk and that's causing him trouble In relationships with others? What should I do? No matter how I tell him, he gets angry or defensive or just ignores me."

答案是，除非他要求，否則不要給與批評或忠告。她也應該以愛接受他，這才是他所需的，而非長篇大論。他隻會在她接受他時，才會問她的想法。但是，隻要他發現她在命令他改變，他就不再請求她的忠告或建議。尤其在親密關係中，互相開放尋求支持前，男人必須覺得很有安全感。

The answer is that she should definitely not offer criticism or advice unless he asks. Instead, she should try giving him loving acceptance. This is what he needs, not lectures. As he begins to feel her acceptance, he will begin to ask what she thinks. If, however, he detects her demanding that he change, he will not ask for advice or suggestions. Especially in an intimate relationship, men need to feel very secure before they open up and ask for support. 

另外，女人如果無法從男人那裏獲取所需，她必須與他分享她的感覺和提出要求(不要給忠告或批評)，耐心地等待他的成長與改變。這是一門需要細心與創造力的藝術，以下有四個可能的方法：

In addition to patiently trusting her partner to grow and change, if a woman is not getting what she needs and wants, she can and should share her feelings and make requests (but again without giving advice or criticism). This is an art that requires caring and creativity" These are four possible approaches: 

一、女人可以不用長篇大論地告訴男人，她不喜歡他的服裝品味。當他穿衣服時，她可以漫不經心地說：“我不喜歡你穿這件襯衫，你今晚可不可以穿另一件？”如果他因此困擾，她可以尊重他的敏感，並表示抱歉。她可以說：“對不起，我不是要教你如何穿著。”

I. A woman can tell a man that she doesn't We the way he dresses without giving him a lecture on how to dress. She could say casually as he is getting dressed "I don't like that shirt on you. Would you wear another one tonight?" If he is annoyed by that comment, then she should respect his sensitivities and apologize. She could say "I'm sorry‑I didn't mean to tell you how to dress."

二、如果他很敏感(有許多男人是這樣的)，她可以利用別的時候談。她可以說：“記得你穿過的藍襯衫和綠褲子嗎？我不喜歡那種組合，你可不可以換成配灰褲子呢？”

2. If he is that sensitive‑and some men are‑then she could try talking about it at another time. She could say "Remember that blue shirt you wore with the green slacks? I didn't like that combination. Would you try wearing it with your gray slacks?"

三、她可以直接問：“我可不可以哪天帶你去采購？我想替你挑些日用品。”假如他說不，可見得他不需要母親似的女人。假如他說好，記得別提出太多忠告。謹記在這方麵他是敏感的。

3. She could directly ask "Would you let me take you shopping one day? I would love to pick out an outfit for you." If he says no, then she can be sure that he doesn't want any more mothering. If he says yes, be sure not to offer too much advice. Remember his sensitivities.

四、她可以說：“我想跟你說些事，但不知道怎麽開口(停頓)。我不想讓你不高興，但我真的很想說。你能仔細聽並建議我怎麽說才好嗎？”如此可幫助他有心理準備，不致受到太大衝擊，然後他才能驚訝地發現，事情並沒有太複雜。

4. She could say "There is something I want to talk about but I don't know how to say it. [Pause.] I don't want to offend you, but I also really want to say it. Would you listen and then suggest to me a better way I could say it?" This helps him to prepare himself for the shock and then he happily discovers that it is not such a big deal.

讓我們探討另一個例子。她若不喜歡他的餐桌禮儀，他們獨處時，她可以說(不要用反對的眼光看他)：“你可以用你的銀餐具嗎？”或“可不可以用杯子喝？”如果有別人在場，最好不要說，也不要注意。改天才說：“我不喜歡你用手抓東西吃。我很在乎這些小事，我們一起用餐時，你可不可以用你的銀餐具？”

Let's explore another example. If she doesn't like his table manners and they are alone, she could say (without a disapproving look) "Would you use your silverware?" or "Would you drink from your glass?" If, however, you are in front of others, it is wise to say nothing and not even notice. Another day you could say "Would you use your silverware when we eat in front of the kids?" or "When you eat with your fingers, I hate it. I get so picky about these little things. When you eat with me, would you use your silverware?" 

他若做出令你難為情的事，等到沒外人在身邊時才告訴他你的感覺。不要告訴他“應該怎麽做”或他做錯了什麽，而是簡短誠懇的說出感受。你可以說：“前幾天晚上聚會時，我不喜歡你講話那麽大聲。我在乎你的態度，你可不可以講小聲一點？”如果他因此難過或不喜歡你的說話，你再為此批評道歉。

If he behaves in a way that embarrasses you, wait for a time when no one else is around and then share your feelings. Don't ten him how he "should behave" or that he is wrong; instead share honest feelings in a loving and brief way. You could say "The other night at the party, I didn't like it when you were so loud. When I'm around, would you try to keep it down?" If he gets upset and doesn't like this comment, then simply apologize for being critical. 

This art of giving negative feedback and asking for support is discussed thoroughly in chapters 9 and I2. In addition, the best times for having these conversations is explored in the next chapter. 

男人需要被信任

When a Man Doesn't Need Help

當女人試圖安慰或幫助男人解決問題時，他可能會覺得透不過氣來。他覺得她不相信他能出自行排解問題，好像把他當孩子一般想改變他。

A man may start to feel smothered when a woman tries to comfort him or help him solve a problem. He feels as though she doesn't trust him to handle his problems. He may feel controlled, as if she is treating him like a child, or he may feel she wants to change him. 

這不表示男人不需要愛的慰藉。女人必須了解，她們正以男人排斥的方式教育他，那就是提供非請求的忠告替他解決問題。男人確實需要愛的支持，但不是她所想的那一套。教育他的正確方式是克製糾正或改進他的意圖，隻有在他直接發出請求時，才可以給與忠告。

This doesn't mean that a man does not need comforting love. Women need to understand that they are nurturing him when they abstain from offering unsolicited advice to solve his problems. He needs her loving support but in a different way than she thinks. To withhold correcting a man or trying to improve him are ways to nurture him. Giving advice can be nurturing only if he directly as s for it. 

男人隻有在獨力完成他能做的部分後，才會請求忠告或幫忙。如果他收到太多幫忙，或接收得太快，他會失去力量與動力，變得容易懶散或沒有安全感。男人天生就以不給忠告或幫忙來支持別人，除非對方發出特殊的請求。

A man looks for advice or help only after he has done what he can do alone. If he receives too much assistance or receives it too soon, he will lose his sense of power and strength. He becomes either lazy or insecure. Instinctively men support one another by not offering advice or help unless specifically approached and asked. 

男人處理問題時，知道必須先保持距離，有必要時再在不失力量、動力和尊嚴的情況下請求幫忙。在錯誤時機提供幫忙，他會覺得那是種侮辱。

In coping with problems, a man knows he has to first go a certain distance by himself, and then if he needs help he can ask for it without losing his strength, power, and dignity. To offer help to a man at the wrong time could easily be taken as an insult. 

如果配偶在感恩節時站在一旁指導該如何切火雞，他會覺得不受信任，因此不但會反抗她，還會執意要按出自己的方法去切，相反的，如果男人指導女人該如何切火雞，她會覺得他在乎她、愛她。

When a man is carving the turkey for Thanksgiving and his partner keeps offering advice on how and what to cut, he feels mistrusted. He resists her and is determined to do it his way on his own. On the other hand, if a man offers her assistance in cutting the turkey she feels loved and cared for. 

當女人建議男人遵循某些專家的忠告時，男人可能會很生氣。我記得有位女士問我，為何她先生對她生那麽大的氣。她向我解釋，當他們做愛前，她請求先生先複習我的錄音帶上提及男歡女愛的秘密。她不曉得這麽做是侮辱了他。雖然他很感激這個錄影帶，但並不需要她提醒他找錄影帶上的忠告。他要她相信他知道該怎麽做！

When a woman suggests that her husband follow the advice of some expert, he may be offended. I remember one woman asking me why her husband got so angry at her. She explained to me that before

sex she had asked him if he had reviewed his notes from a taped lecture by me on the secrets of great sex. She didn't realm this was the ultimate insult to him. Although he had appreciated the tapes, he didn't want her telling him what to do by reminding him to follow my advice. He wanted her to trust that he knew what to do! 

女人要“關心”，男人要“信任”。當男人麵帶關懷地對女人說：“親愛的，出了什麽事？”時，女人會覺得很安慰。但當女人以同樣的關愛問：“親愛的，出了什麽事？”時，他可能會覺得受侮辱或自己失敗了，以為她不相信他能排解事情。

While men want to be trusted, women want caring. When a man says to a woman "What's the matter, honey?" with a concerned look on his face, she feels comforted by his caring. When a woman in a similar caring and concerned way says to a man "What's the matter, honey?" he may feel insulted or repulsed. He feels as though she doesn't trust him to handle things. 

男人很難分辨同理心與同情的區別，他討厭人家的憐憫，女人若說：“很抱歉傷害了你。”他會說：“沒關係。”並拒絕她的支持。相反的，她喜歡聽到他說：“很抱歉傷害了你。一她覺得這是真正的關心。男人必須設法表示關心，女人必須設法表示信任。

It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hates to be pitied. A woman may say "I am so sorry I hurt you." He will say "It was no big deal" and push away her support. She on the other hand loves to hear him say "I'm sorry I hurt you." She then feels he really cares. Men need to find ways to show they care while women need to find ways to show they trust. 

男人很難分辨同理心與同情的區別，他討厭人家的憐憫。 

過度的關心令男人窒息

Too Much Caring Is Smothering 

我和邦妮初結婚時，在我離城主持一個周末研討會的前一晚，她問我打算何時起床，何時搭機，然後她心裏估計一番，警告我預留的時間不夠。她以為這樣做是支持我，我卻不以為然，我感到生氣。我到全世界旅行授課已經十四年了，從來沒有錯過任何一班飛機。

When I first married Bonnie, the night before I would leave town to teach a weekend seminar, she would ask me what time I was getting up. Then she would ask what time my plane left. Then she would do some mental figuring and warn me that I hadn't left enough time to catch my plane. Each time she thought she was supporting me, but I didn't feel it. I felt offended. I had been traveling around the world for fourteen years teaching courses, and I had never missed a plane. 

隔日清晨離開前，她問了一連串的問題，像是：“票帶了嗎？皮夾帶了嗎？錢夠不夠？有沒有帶襪子？知不知道在哪裏停留？”她以為她愛我，我卻覺得很煩、不受信任。最後我告訴她，很謝謝她的關愛，但我不喜歡人家嚕嚕嗦嗦。

Then in the morning, before I left, she asked me a string of questions such as, "Do you have your ticket? Do you have your wallet? Do you have enough money? Did you pack socks? Do you know where you are staying?" She thought she was loving me, but I felt mistrusted and was annoyed. Eventually I let her know that I appreciated her loving intention but that I didn't like being mothered in this way. 

我坦誠地說，如果她要嚕嗦，我希望那是無條件的愛與信任的嚕嗦。我說：“如果我錯過了飛機，不要告訴我：“我早警告你了。”請相信我會自我學習和適應。如果我忘了帶牙刷或刮胡刀，讓我自己處理，別在我打電話回來時告訴我。”讓她了解我所需要的，可幫助她成功地支持我。

I shared with her that if she wanted to mother me, then the way I wanted to be mothered was to be unconditionally loved and trusted. I said, "If I miss a plane, don't tell me 'I told you so.' Trust that I will learn my lesson and adjust accordingly. If I forget my toothbrush or shaving kit, let me deal with it. Don't tell me about it when I call." With an awareness of what I wanted, instead of what she would have wanted, it was easier for her to succeed in supporting me. 

A Success Story 

有一回，在往瑞典教兩性關係研討會的旅途上，我從紐約打電話回加州，通知邦妮我忘了帶護照。她表現得體，沒有教訓我該有責任點，反而笑說：“天啊，約翰，你在冒險，你打算做什麽？”

Once, on a trip to Sweden to teach my relationship seminar, I called back to California from New York, informing Bonnie that I had left my passport at Home. She reacted in such a beautiful and loving way. She didn't lecture me on being more responsible. Instead she laughed and said, "Oh my goodness, john, you have such adventures. What are you going to do? " 

我請她將我的護照傳真到瑞典領事館，問題就解決了。她十分合作，沒教訓我該準備周全，甚至以我能發現解決問題的方法為榮。

I asked her to fax my passport to the Swedish consulate, and the problem was solved. She was so cooperative. Never once did she succumb to lecturing me on being more prepared. She was even proud of me for finding a solution to my problem.

做點口語小改變

MAKING LITTLE CHANGES

有天我注意到，每當孩子要求我做些事時，我總是說：“沒問題。”那是我樂意從事的表現方式。我女兒茱莉有天問我：“你為什麽老是說“沒問題”？”我當時不知道，事後想想，才知道這是火星人另一個根深柢固的習慣。有了這個新體會，我便改口說：“我很樂意去做。”這句話暗含了我的意思，並能使我的金星女兒感到高興。

One day I noticed that when my children asked me to do things I would always say "no problem." It was my way of saying I would be happy to do that. My stepdaughter Julie asked me one day, "Why do you always say 'no problem'?" I didn't actually know right away. After a while I realized that it was another of those deeply ingrained Martian habits. With this new awareness I started saying "I would be happy to do that." This phrase expressed my implied message and certainly felt more loving to my Venusian daughter. 

這個例子象征了增進兩性關係的重要秘密。不必犧牲自我就可以做點小改變。這是火星人和金星人成功的秘密。為了增進兩性關係，我們必須有些小改變。大改變通常需要壓抑自我本性，那不是好現象。男人女人都小心翼翼不願犧牲天性，但也願意在互相影響之下做些小改變。他們學習如何增加或改變一小部分簡單的辭句，促使關係更堅固。

男人進入洞穴時，給她安心的保證，是不必扭曲天性的小改變。在做這種改變之前，他必須先知道，女人真的需要一些可令她們安心的保證，尤其是在她們沒有煩惱，不能體會那種感覺時。若不了解男女這點的不同，他就無法理解為何他的突然沉默會使她憂心仲仲。隻要給些安心的保證，就會改變這種情況。

相反的，如果他不知道他與女人之間的不同，在她因他想進入洞穴而難過時，他可能為了討好她而放棄進入洞穴，那就大錯特錯了。如果他放棄洞穴(隱藏真性)，他會變得易怒、過度敏感、防衛性高、軟弱、消極或自慚形穢，他不知道為何會變得事事不如意，事情就愈弄愈糟了。

女人因他要進洞穴而難過時，男人可以做些小改變以取代放棄洞穴，問題也可獲得減輕。他不需隱藏真性，也不需排斥天生的男子氣概。

 

如何支持金星人

　　如前所討論，男人進入洞穴或沉默時會說：“我需要一點時間來想這個問題，請不要跟我說話，我會回來。”他不知道女人可能會聽成：“我不愛你，我不要站在這裏聽你說，我要離開了，永遠不要回來。”為了去除她的誤解，就需要給她正確的訊息，男人可學著說這奇異的四個字：“我會回來。”

　　女人會感謝男人離去時表白：“我需要一點時間來想這問題，我會回來。”多簡單奇異的“我會回來”，就會令事情全然改觀。

　　男人若知道這種安慰對女人十分重要，他一定會記得毫不吝嗇的給與。

　　女人若覺得被她父親遺棄、排斥，或她母親覺得被她丈夫排斥，她(這孩子)對遺棄就會很敏感，在這種情況下，她需要安慰與保證的心情更不該受到批判；同樣的，男人去洞穴的需要也不該被責難。

　　人們常常不以為女人需要安慰，也不以為男人需要孤立.“女人若能減少過去的傷害，或能了解男人需要花時間在洞穴裏，她就不需要太多的安慰。

　　我記得在某個研討會上論及這點時，一位女士問：“我對先生的沉默很敏感，但不會像小孩那樣覺得被遺棄或排斥。我母親從不覺得被我父親排斥。甚至他們離婚時，也充滿和諧。”她大笑後卻哭了，她知道她被欺騙了。她母親當然覺得被拒絕，她也被拒絕了。她父母已離婚！她像父母一樣隱藏了痛苦。

處於離婚普遍的時代，男人給與另一半安慰就更形重要，男人可做些小改變來支持女人，女人也應禮尚往來。

 

不帶責備的溝通

NOW TO COMMUNICATE WITHOUT BLAME 

男人常覺得受到女人情感上的攻擊和責備，尤其是在她難過和談論問題時。他因不知男女有所差異，所以不會聯想到她需要的是談論她所有的感覺。

A man commonly feels attacked and blamed by a woman's feelings, especially when she is upset and talks about problems. Because he doesn't understand how we are different, he doesn't readily relate to her need to talk about all of her feelings.

他誤以為她責備他應對她的感覺負起部分責任，以為她對他生氣，因為她正向他傾訴難過之處。她抱怨時，他聽到的卻是責備。許多男人不了解金星人需要的是與她們所愛的人分享難過的感覺。

He mistakenly assumes she is telling him about her feelings because she thinks he is somehow responsible or to be blamed. Because she is upset and she is talking to him, he assumes she is upset with him. When she complains he hears blame. Many men don't understand the (Venusian) need to share upset feelings with the people they love. 

透過男女差異的了解與體會，女人可以學習如何讓對方聽起來不覺得是受責備地表達感覺。為確信男人不受責備，女人抱怨感覺時，在語氣上可以稍做停頓，先告訴他她多感謝他的傾聽。

With practice and an awareness of our differences, women can learn how to express their feelings without having them sound like blaming. To reassure a man that he is not being blamed, when A woman expresses her feelings she could pause after a few minutes of sharing and tell him how much she appreciates him for listening. 

　　她可以這樣說：

　　．很高興可以告訴你這些事。

　　．講這些事讓我覺得好舒服。

　　．能夠暢所欲言，讓我鬆懈不少。

　　．很高興能夠抱怨這些事，我好舒服。

    ．好，我現在已經講完了，感覺很舒服，謝謝你。

She could say some of the following comments:

• "I'm sure glad I can talk about it."

• "It sure feels good to talk about it."

• "I'm feeling so relieved that I can talk about this."

• "I'm sure glad I can complain about all this. It makes me feel so much better."

• "Well, now that I've talked about it, I feel much better. Thank you."

小小的改變就能創造出一個全然不同的世界。

This simple change can make a world of difference.

 同理，她在講述問題時，也可以感謝他為她的滿足與鬆懈所做的努力，譬如，她抱怨工作時，偶爾可以提及回家時有他共處是件多美好的事，然後感謝他修理家具；或者她抱怨經濟情況時，可提及很感謝他的努力工作；或者她抱怨為人母親的沮喪時，可提及很高興有他的幫忙。

In this same vein, as she describes her problems she can support him by appreciating the things he has done to make her life easier and more fulfilling. For example, if she is complaining about work, occasionally she could mention that it is so nice to have him in her life to come Home to; if she is complaining about the house, then she could mention that she appreciates that he fixed the fence; or if she is complaining about finances, mention that she really appreciates how hard he works; or if she is complaining about the frustrations of being a parent, she could mention that she is glad she has his help.

分享責任

Sharing Responsibility 

良好的溝通需要雙方合作。男人必須知道女人抱怨隻是想把沮喪藉著談話發泄掉，而非責罵。女人必須讓男人知道，縱使她抱怨，但她仍然感激他。

Good communication requires participation on both sides. A man needs to work at remembering that complaining about problems does not mean blaming and that when a woman complains she is generally just letting go of her frustrations by talking about them. A woman can work at letting him know that though she is complaining she also appreciates him.

譬如，我太太剛進來，問我這一章寫得怎麽樣。我說：“快完成了。你今天過得怎麽樣？”

For example, my wife just came in and asked how I was doing on this chapter. I said, "I'm almost done. How was your day?"

她說：“太多事得做了。我們很難得聚在一起。”以前的我會建立起防衛之線，提醒她我們無時不在一起，或者會告訴她在截稿日前完成對我有多重要，但是如此隻會增加彼此的緊張而已。

She said, "Oh, there is so much to do. We hardly have any time together." The old me would have become defensive and then reminded her of all the time we have spent together, or I would have told her how important it was to meet. my deadline. This would have just created tension.

如今的我，知曉了男女差異，了解她隻是想尋找安慰和了解，而非辯解或解釋，所以我會說：“你說得好，我們都太忙了。坐到我腿上，讓我抱抱。今天真難捱！”然後她會說：“你真好。”這正是我需要的感謝之辭，這使我可以待她更好。她接著會抱怨更多今天的種種以及她的疲勞，數分鍾後，她便自動停止了。我主動要求載褓姆離開，好讓她在晚餐前能輕鬆的靜一靜。

The new me, aware of our differences, understood she was looking for reassurance and understanding and not justifications and explanations. I said, "You're right, we have been really busy. Sit down here on my lap, let me give you a hug. It's been a long day."

她說：“真的，你要載褓姆回家？真好，謝謝你。”她再次給我感謝與接受，雖然她又累又倦，但我仍覺出自己是個成功的伴侶。

She then said, "You feel really good." This was the appreciation I needed in order to be more available to her. She then proceeded to complain more about her day and how exhausted she was. After a few minutes she paused. I then offered to drop off the babysitter so she could relax and meditate before dinner.

She said, "Really, you'll take the babysitter Home? That would be great. Thank you!" Again she gave me the appreciation and acceptance I needed to feel like a successful partner, even when she was tired and exhausted.

女人沒想到應該對男人表示感激，她認為他已知道她心裏有多感激。但他不知道，在談論問題時，他需要確定她仍愛他、感激他。

Women don't think of giving appreciation because they assume a man knows how much she appreciates being heard. He doesn't know. When she is talking about problems, he needs to be reassured that he is still loved and appreciated. 

問題會使男人沮喪，除非他已著手解決。為了表示感謝，女人可幫助他了解：傾聽她說就算是幫忙她了。女人不必壓抑感覺或改變來迎合伴侶。她需要的是以不讓他覺得被攻擊、控告、責罵的方式來表達自己。隻要小小的改變就能創造極大的效果。

Men feel frustrated by problems unless they are doing something to solve them. By appreciating him, a woman can help him realize that just by listening he is also helping. A woman does not have to suppress her feelings or even change them to support her partner. She does, however, need to express them in a way that doesn't make him feel attacked, accused, or blamed. Making a few small changes can make a big difference.

 

運用奇異的支持字眼

Four Magic Words of Support

支持男人的奇異字眼是：“錯不在你。”當女人表達她難過的感覺時，可以偶爾停頓，以鼓勵來支持他說：“我很感謝你聽我說話，若你聽來不順耳，請別介意，我不是罵你。錯不在你。”當他因聽到一大堆問題而感覺是自己做錯時，正是女人學習麵對他的敏感之時。

The four magic words to support a man are "It's not your fault." When a woman is expressing her upset feelings she can support a man by pausing occasionally to encourage him by saying "I really appreciate your listening, and if this sounds as if I'm saying it's your fault, that's not what I mean. It's not your fault."

A woman can learn to be sensitive to her listener when she understands his tendency to start feeling like a failure when he hears a lot of problems.

 有天我姊姊打電話告訴我她正麵臨的困難。我聽時一直謹記莫給她任河解答，她隻是需要人家傾聽。我偶爾說：“嗯、哦、真的！”等言語，十分鍾後，她說：“約翰，謝謝，我覺得比較舒服了。”

Just the other day my sister called me and talked about a difficult experience that she was going through. As I listened I kept remembering that to support my sister I didn't have to give her any solutions. She needed someone just to listen. After ten minutes of just listening and occasionally saying things like "uh‑huh," "oh," and "ready!" she then said, "Well, thank you, john. I feel so much better."

 傾聽對我來講比較不費力，因我知道姊姊不是在罵我，是罵別人。但是我太太不高興時，我就比較難處理，因為我覺得那好像是在罵我。不過如果她以感謝的態度鼓勵我傾聽，我就能較輕鬆地成為一個很好的聽眾。

It was much easier to hear her because I knew she was not blaming me. She was blaming someone else. I find it more difficult when my wife is unhappy because it is easier for me to feel blamed. However, when my wife encourages me to listen by appreciating me, it becomes much easier to be a good listener.

What to Do When You Feel Like Blaming

要讓男人確信錯不在他，或者不是責備他，唯一的方法是真的不是責備他、否定他或批評他。如果她是在攻擊他，應先和其他人分享她的感覺，直到恢複愛心能與他交談才開始溝通。她可與能給她支持的非當事人分享憤恨，氣消後，若能更具愛心與諒解，她就可以成功的接近他，分享自己的感覺。第十一章會更詳細討論該如何溝通彼此難以表達的感覺。

Reassuring a man that it is not his fault or that he is not being blamed works only as long as she truly is not blaming him, disapproving of him, or criticizing hirn. If she is attacking him, then she should share her feelings with someone else. She should wait until she is more loving and centered to talk to him. She could share her resentful feelings with someone she is not upset with, who will be able to give her the support she needs. Then when she feels more loving and forgiving she can successfully approach him to share her feelings. In chapter II we will explore in greater detail how to communicate difficult feelings.

Now to Listen Without Blaming

女人隻單純地談論問題，男人則因覺得被罵而罵人。溝通因受阻礙所以造成關係的破滅。想像一個女人說：“我們隻知工作、工作、工作，沒有半點樂趣，你太嚴肅了。”男人會以為她在罵他。

A man often blames a woman for being blaming when she is innocently talking about problems. This is very destructive to the relationship because it blocks communication. Imagine a woman saying "All we ever do is work, work, work. We don't have any fun anymore. You are so serious." A man could very easily feel she is blaming him.

若他覺得被罵，我建議他不要罵回去。如果他說：“我覺得你好像在罵我。”我建議他改說：“聽到你說我很嚴肅讓我很難過。你是說我們缺乏樂趣都是我的錯嗎？”或者他可以說：“你說我很嚴肅、沒樂趣，這傷害了我。你是說這都是我的錯嗎？”

If he feels blamed, I suggest he not blame back and say "I feel like you are blaming me." Instead I suggest saying "It is difficult to hear you say I am so serious. Are you saying it is all my fault that we don't have more fun?" Or he could say "It hurts when I hear you say I am so serious and we don't have any fun. Are you saying that it is all my fault?"

另外，為了改善溝通，他可以給她台階下，說：“你好像是說工作得這樣辛苦是我的錯，是嗎？”或者說：“當你說我太嚴肅、沒有樂趣時，我覺得你好像在說都是我的錯，是嗎？”

In addition, to improve the communication he can give her a way out. He could say "It feels like you are saying it is all my fault that we work so much. Is that true?"

Or he could say "When you say we don't have any fun and that I am so serious, I feel like you are saying it is all my fault. Are you?"

這些回答既尊重又能給她機會收回任何令人以為是責備的話。當她說：“哦，不，我不是說都是你的錯。”時，他可能會覺得稍微輕鬆點。

All of these responses are respectful and give her a chance to take back any blame that he might have felt. When she says "Oh, no, I'm not saying it's all your fault" he will probably feel somewhat relieved.

 我發現另外一個最有幫助的方法，就是謹記：她永遠有權難過，把難過發泄出來可以使她舒服。這個認知幫助我輕鬆，並使我謹記，假如我不把它當私人事件而忠實地傾聽她抱怨時，會更感激我。就算她責備我，也不會罵個沒完沒了。

Another approach that I find most helpful is to remember that she always has a right to be upset and that once she gets it out, she will feel much better. This awareness allows me to relax and remember that if I can listen without taking it personally, then when she needs to complain she will be so appreciative of me. Even if she was blaming me, she will not hold on to it.

傾聽的藝術

The Art of Listening

 男人若能傾聽並正確解讀女人的感覺，就比較容易溝通。進取心和任何一門藝術一樣需要練習。每天我一回家通常都會找邦妮，問她這天過得好不好來練習傾聽的藝術。

As a man learns to listen and interpret a woman's feelings correctly, communication becomes easier. As with any art, listening requires practice. Each day when I get Home, I will generally seek out Bonnie and ask her about her day, thus practicing this art of listening.

如果她這天很難過或有什麽壓力，首先我會覺得她是在告訴我，我該有點責任、該被罵。我最大的挑戰是別把它當成私人問題、別誤解她。我堅持提醒自己，我們說的是不同的語言。當我繼續問：“還發生了哪些事？”時，我發現有許多事令她困擾。我逐漸認為我不必單獨為她的難過負責。一會兒之後，雖然我還是得為她的不痛快負擔部分責任，但她也會開始感謝我的傾聽，變得十分愉快、理性、有愛、心。

If she is upset or has had a stressful day, at first I will feel that she is saying I am somehow responsible and thus to blame. My greatest challenge is to not take it personally, to not misunderstand her. I do this by constantly reminding myself that we speak different languages. As I continue to ask "What else happened?" I find that there are many other things bothering her. Gradually I start to see that I am not solely responsible for her upset. After a while, when she begins to appreciate me for listening, then, even if I was partially responsible for her discomfort, she becomes very grateful, accepting, and loving.

雖然傾聽是需要練習的重要技巧，但有時候男人會對她使用語言的內在含義過於敏感而無法翻譯。此時，他不應該再聽下去，他可以和善地說：“現在不是我們談話的好時機，我們等一下再談。”

Although listening is an important skill to practice, some days a man is too sensitive or stressed to translate the intended meaning of her phrases. At such times he should not even attempt to listen. Instead he could kindly say "This isn't a good time for me. Let's talk later."

有些男人直到她講完話，才知道自己無法傾聽。在傾聽中若自己變得更沮喪，他就不應該再聽下去，否則會更沮喪，這對雙方都沒有好處。此時應尊重地說：“我實在很想聽你說話，可是現在我無法專心聽，我想我需要一點時間來思考你剛才說的話。”

Sometimes a man doesn't realize that he can't listen until she begins talking. If he becomes very frustrated, while listening he should not try to continue‑he'll just become increasingly upset. That does not serve him or her. Instead, the respectful thing to say is "I really want to hear what you are saving, but right now it is very difficult for me to listen. I think I need some time to think about what you have just said."

當我和邦妮學習以尊重兩性差異及了解彼此的需要溝通後，我們的婚姻變得輕鬆自在。我在數以千計的個人和夫妻間目睹了這種改變。當溝通反應了已準備好的接受態度及對個人先天差異的尊重時，兩性關係會更融洽。

As Bonnie and I have learned to communicate in a way that respects our differences and understand each other's needs, our marriage has become so much easier. I have witnessed this same trans

formation in thousands of individuals and couples. relationships thrive when communication reflects a ready acceptance and respect of people's innate differences.

若出現誤解，請謹記我們說的是不同的語言；解釋配偶的真正意思，無可避免地需要花些時間。這絕對需要練習，但絕對值得。

When misunderstandings arise, remember that we speak different languages; take the time necessary to translate what your partner really means or wants to say. This definitely takes practice, but it is well worth it.