飛飛，你其實是個非常非常用心的媽媽。TEEN的孩子那一相處有叛逆等等我想不少媽媽都有或多或少的體會，我也經曆了同樣階段。和孩子做朋友，如何走進他的內心世界，尊重孩子，感覺他們情緒變化，跌倒時扶一把，成功時熱烈的祝賀和他一同欣喜，告訴孩子我們的弱點，讓他內心也引起同情，坦誠和他相處，和他一起成長一起學會如何做一個更好的父母是走進孩子內心獲得認同的鑰匙。
在我們的文化中，對孩子成長中批評，指責，管教，嘮叨會比較多些，這都是負麵的。我和孩子討論過這問題，學會象老美樣說話的技巧真的是一個很重要的功課，我曾經很真誠對孩子說，在與人相處中，說話的技巧，讓對方感覺舒適上，他確實比我和他爸爸要強很多。TEEN的自我意思逐漸增強，如果我們隻是用自身的經驗去說教他們是會非常不服氣的，承認他們的長處，換位思考交流一些經驗相對來說他們更容易接受一些。阿毛曾經說過，做弱勢父母，確實感覺對TEEN很管用。
高中4年，是孩子認識自我，回歸很重要的階段。孩子通過學習，集體活動，義工，工作學會如何和人相處，延伸到和家庭成員相處。兒子曾經和我交流，說,他在外麵可以很NICE對待別人，甚至是一些不太友好的人，都可以有耐心，有愛心，為什麽反而對自己的父母，如此嗬護在意自己的人常常會沒有耐心煩躁呢？我已經給了他相當大的自由，但他有時還是會對我發脾氣，事後又非常後悔自己的作為。他惹我們不高興，同時又反過來讓自己很內疚不開心。他意識到如果他不改變這點，在將來他會用同樣的方式傷害自己未來的家庭，這是他要學的功課。我很高興在與他互動中他能認識到這點並真的改變他。
說實在的，現在和兒子的關係真的是前所未有的好。以前睡覺前是我去他的房間說晚安，現在是他每天來我的房間道晚安並擁抱。即使在公眾場合下，如果我生病他都會問候我給我一個擁抱，在我心情沮喪的時候他一定要逗得我笑了為止。前些天接到我妹妹的郵件，我才知道他寫信去安慰我妹妹，原因是妹妹的孩子不重視SAT考試，考得不好。下麵是他給大姨寫的信：
“我隻想讓你知道,你是一個偉大的母親.
看到這封信，我確實很欣慰，孩子懂事了。
和大家分享一篇我喜歡的文章，也祝所有的父母和TEEN相處能更愉快！
I Love You Enough to Let You Hate Me
When our daughters were little, we used to play the “How Much Do You Love Me” game. Spreading our arms wide, we‘d say, “I love you soooo big!” Sam always had a cute way of saying it–”I love you huggy much and sweet.” Those were the cute days, when love was enough to satisfy almost everything, except for their ferocious appetites, that is.
Now that they’re older, we say ‘I love you’ differently. A text message Luv u or a quick Love you – Love you, too, as the girls are flying out the door. But once in a while, I find it necessary to say I love you a little differently. Today is one of those days, and today this is how I’m telling my daughters that I do, indeed, love them.
Sometimes when I say no, it’s because I love you. Really.
Sometimes when I say yes, it’s also because I love you.
Sometimes I let you spread your wings and fly, visiting friends and spending the night with them. I know you need friends and fun, and I say yes because I love you.
But when you’re gone for three days and nights, I’ll yank you right back, just like a momma bear would do. So, fly, but always know that when you fly too far, I’ll clip your wings. Why? Because I love you.
I got you a cell phone because I love you. I know, everyone has one. But I love you enough to check in with you and make sure you’re okay. I love you enough to encourage you to check in with me and let me know you’re okay. But when that phone is at somebody else’s house on a charger and I can’t reach you, I love you enough to take it away. You don’t get the awesome privilege of texting your friends 24/7 if you don’t respond to me.
As I have with every one of you, I love you enough that I will not – ever- let you drive to school. Oh, I know that you think I hate you because of that, but it’s 100% based on love. I’ve attended the wakes of too many teenagers who never made it to school or home from school on that same route.
So, while you’re sitting here in our boring house tonight hating me because you want to spend the fourth night away from home, there are some things you need to know. When you push, I’ll pull. When you want more freedom, I might impose more limitations.
You see, everything is great – in moderation. Friends are wonderful, but they aren’t eveything. You have a family, too. We also need you. You also need us, though you don’t always know it. You need rules, restrictions, and reminders. You need to learn respect and gain the values you’ll need when you don’t need me anymore.
The only thing that doesn’t require moderation is love. Whether it’s SO BIG or huggy much and sweet, there’s always room for more.
Sometimes, the greatest way to show that love is provide limits, even though I know that, right now, you’ll hate me for it.
I love you enough to let you hate me.
Someday, I hope you’ll thank me for loving you that much.
