英語幽默幾則

1. Sooner or later　


　A thief with a long record was brought before the judge.

　　Judge: Have you ever stolen things?

　　Thief: Oh, now and then.

　　Judge: And where have you stolen these things?

　　Thief: Oh, here and there.

　　Judge: Right. Lock him up, officer.

　　Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail?

　　Judge: Oh, sooner or later.



2. Very Stupid Robbers



　　Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

　　The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!"

　　The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"


3.　A Jealous Wife


　　There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night

　　and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him," Great, so now you'


　　re cheating on me with a bald woman!"

　　The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by

　　saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

　　吃醋的妻子

　　從前有個妻子醋勁很大。一天晚上丈夫回家，她沒有從他衣服上找到頭發，於是大叫：“好啊，現在你開始和禿頭的女人騙我了！”

　　第二天晚上，她沒有從丈夫衣服上聞到香水味，於是又大叫：“她不但是個禿頭，而且很窮酸，連香水都不買。”


4. Difference


　　"If you tell a man anything, it goes in at one ear and out at the oth-er." she remarked.

　　"And if you tell a woman anything," he countered, "it goes in at both ears and out of her mouth."

男人女人的區別

女人說：“你告訴男人一件事，他一個耳朵進，一個耳朵出。”
男人回敬說：“你告訴女人一件事，她兩個耳朵進，再從嘴巴裏出。”


5.　The mean man's party.

　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."


　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"

　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"


　　吝嗇鬼請客

　　一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麽找到他家時說：“你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。”

　　“為什麽要用我的肘和腳呢？”

　　“你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧？”吝嗇鬼回答。