[文章來源: kristine 於 2004-06-27 21:12:33 ]
1
戲劇和電影都喜歡較少的場景。
<<初夏>>僅一個場景。
2
第1段僅3個詞。視覺背景已交代。簡潔宜目。
3
No one knows your name
except a slender light of early summer
這是妙句。沒有直說 No one knows your name in Corner cafe.
except a slender light of early summer
既說了這是初夏，又在這裏自然出現。
slender一詞是本詩的第一次詩意自然表出。這一詞的用法是精細的。
4
Falling slantingly over
a variety of oceans between your hands
“a variety of oceans”是雙關 (多義)語。既指CAFE等，又指讀者所理解的，如可以是文字等。slantingly是個好的選詞，既不過於生僻，又不過於常俗。
5
How does it find you?
This ray of light, this moment, this voice
這一句從實景移向虛意。從外圍移向主人公的感受。
6
Now you almost feel comfortable among strangers
who are cracking some cheap joke across table
You take another sip of sugared bitterness
in their hollowing amusement
這Corner cafe，我讀起來以為在講詩壇。無論它是不是作者的原意，這是高超之處。
後一句是雙關 (多義)語。
7
Is this a joke?
You hear someone ask
You can’t laugh with them
for a variety of reasons
這在步步逼向她的內心。同時有繼續在原場景CAFE中。
8
But an unusual peacefulness inside you
in this early summer light
這是所謂結尾前的“提/轉”(參見早先“無淚”的1技巧貼)。在為她作early summer的
一語概之的總結了。
9
A ship horn beyond horizon
A Chinese girl far from home
“當船在地平線之後鳴笛
一個中國姑娘遠離家鄉”
多好的結尾啊！
10
第1次讀時，不禁感到寫的是我。想必，壇上其她幾位“Chinese girl ”或有同感。
“讓你讀了覺得是寫你。”這話已是極高的評價了。這一境界使我選評此詩。
Early Summer
_____________________
Corner cafe
Cappuccino & melancholy
No one knows your name
except a slender light of early summer
Falling slantingly over
a variety of oceans between your hands
How does it find you?
This ray of light, this moment, this voice
Now you almost feel comfortable among strangers
who are cracking some cheap joke across table
You take another sip of sugared bitterness
in their hollowing amusement
Is this a joke?
You hear someone ask
You can’t laugh with them
for a variety of reasons
But an unusual peacefulness inside you
in this early summer light
A ship horn beyond horizon
A Chinese girl far from home
