我們在回憶，說著那冬天
在冬天的山巔，露出春的生機
我們的故事，說著那春天
在春天的好時光，留在我們心裏
……
一年前沒事在網上閑逛，不經意聽到這曲子，當時感覺音樂很平常。奇怪的是聽到這平和的音樂我卻神經質地想哭，想哭卻又不知為什麽。更怪的是那晚就做夢了，便知道了答案。那張早被我遺忘了的臉，在夢裏清晰得觸手可及。
第一次認識那人的時候，是在一個春天。他為了塊饅頭正跟人打架。幾個人騎在他身上揍他一個。那些人打累了走了。他居然流著鼻血若無其事地從路邊髒水裏撿起那塊被撞飛的饅頭還要吃。我看不下去了就把自己的飯給了他。
那人是個高我幾年級的學長。後來聽認識他的朋友說，他父母在郊區的鐵廠上班，收入不多，每個月給他很少的零花錢。他經常吃不飽飯。我自幼沒嚐過餓的滋味，奶奶那時候每天給我帶一大包早點，再裝上滿得蓋不上蓋子的一盒中飯。我經常吃不了就都扔了。但從那天起，我知道了人餓了會為一塊饅頭被人打得頭破血流。
就隻那次給了他點吃的，那人於是就每天跟著我了。一看到我就騎車跟過來。記憶中他的臉總是髒兮兮的，一條軍綠色的褲子卷到腿肚子，叉著腿騎自行車的姿態像隻蛤蟆，在街道旁一邊繞著八字與我的步行保持同速，一邊用那種讓我覺得有點流氣的聲音唱這首似乎是他唯一會唱的歌。時間長了我的朋友都開始調侃，見我就問“影子去哪兒了”。那不堪入耳的歌聲，也常在晚間鑽入我的耳朵，讓我噩夢連連。
他跟著我，卻從不和我搭訕，隻是自顧自地唱他的歌。從和他認識一直到我離開中國，他隻有兩次開口同我講話。第一次是為了那盒飯道謝，其後是在我即將出國時的道別，是最後也是唯一一次他主動跟我說話。
再見到已經是六、七年後的那個夏天。我回國度假期間在一家超市門口和他撞見，那時候的我已經沒有了小時候的矜持，“哎！怎麽是你呀？”意外的驚喜讓我異常興奮。他就那麽冷靜地看了我一眼，隻那麽一眼我便意識到自己的失態。我們本不是朋友，從來也不是。雖然他的眼睛告訴我他分明什麽都記得的。“來買點東西，”記憶裏他這樣麵無表情的說，隨後眉毛囂張地挑了挑，“我女朋友等我呢，沒事我能走了嗎？”我慌忙回了句便很窘地掉頭走開了，懊惱自己無趣更困惑他的不近人情。可幾秒鍾後我又回到了超市門口，潛意識裏隻是有點不甘心，但並不知道自己回去做什麽。
就在那時我看見了他獨自走開的背影，看見他的腿瘸了。看了幾秒鍾我的眼淚下來了。一個聲音，我的，透過模糊的視線對那一跛一拐的影子大喊，“你這是何苦來啊！”這聲音在我心裏被喊到聲嘶力竭，最終也沒出口。那是我最後一次見到他。
後來我四處打聽發生了什麽，才知道在我走後不久他去了日本，他在日本打工的一個舅舅把他弄到那裏，靠力氣活賺些錢。有一天他從正在施工的樓頂摔下來，一根鋼筋從大腿穿了過去。那年他還不到十九歲。
在國外這許多年，我從西海岸跑到東海岸，又從東海岸跑回西海岸。上學，工作，再上學，工作，身邊的人像走馬燈不斷更新。一年前，是十幾年後第一次重新聽到這音樂，才又記起這個已經被我遺忘很久的人，一時間恍惚有隔世之感。那時候熱衷寫東西，寫得很來勁，卻沒力氣記述這件事，隻是告訴了一個朋友，大家唏噓了一通，以為就此可以把這故事放下了。
幾天前朋友送了我一張CD，裏麵是他選的一百首歌。這首也被選在裏麵。我不解，去興師問罪，“你明知道我聽不得這個為什麽還要讓我聽？”他說就是要我聽膩了，這樣才能徹底放下。我想想覺得也有道理，便沒再堅持。可當那前奏再次響起的那一刻，肚子像是被千鈞的拳頭重擊了一下，猛然間透不過氣來。那一刻我真被嚇到了。我被迫閉上眼睛，努力回想，想知道讓我有如此劇烈反應的到底是什麽。
每當我想起某個人，關於那人的記憶總是會定格在某個畫麵。我一直以為他的畫麵會定格在超市門口被眼淚模糊的，本應是極有震撼力的那一幕，他漸漸走遠的單薄的背影，像懸掛著寬大衣服在風裏搖擺的稻草人。可最終遺留的畫麵卻總是落在那年春天我出國前他來送行時的情景。那天他沒唱歌，氣喘籲籲趕來，汙垢的小臉爛漫而凝重。他嘴張得大大的，開始不停地笑，最後從牙縫裏擠出一句話，“你別走了，做我老婆。”我瞪了他一眼，然後倉皇逃走了。那年我十四歲，他也還隻是個孩子。
虛弱無力地道一句物是人非，十幾年分秒變換的人和事便被草率地隨口帶過。音樂再響起時，我腦海裏就隻剩了那張髒兮兮的咧著嘴的笑臉和整齊潔白的牙齒。這個手捧著滿掬初春的陽光，帶著他的歌走進我夢裏的男孩子，忽然讓我明白了自己為什麽想哭，不是歎這孩子命運堪憐，而是每次想起他時無法抑製的自慚形穢。被違心的生活不知埋了多久的我，如今身邊再也看不到那麽純淨，耀眼，不墜一絲俗世凡塵的笑容。
你happy了，不知其他寅都happy了嗎？上帝教導我們說我們都是他孩子
我名字都換了，可惜沒來得及做整容手術，還認識我嗎？:)
hairycat我熟，她是個貓性子，到哪兒都先抓人兩把看看別人反應再說，嗬嗬，等大家身上的貓爪子印兒消了沒準會發現她其實還挺可愛的，或者這裏都是被貓抓過的愛貓之人也說不定。:)
我記得小時候俺們家大院的牆上寫的標語
團結，緊張，嚴肅，活潑
Hi. Agree with you 100% on that life is short and we need to be truthful to our feelings. Thank you for speaking your mind truthfully. A bit touched as well by your concern, because it seems real.
Normally I don’t care to explain myself too much. I write for my own sake and if people get it they get it. But seeing that you are truly disturbed and genuinely concerned, I almost felt an obligation to update you on my latest. I won't bore you with too much detail, except to say that that article you are referencing was written 2 years ago. That chapter of my life has long been behind me. My ex-boyfriend is a good person with a good heart. He may have more of a violent disposition but it's a matter of degree I guess if we want to get all technical about it. Who doesn’t have any violent tendency? It's just that most people learn to keep it well under control. Granted that physical violence should never be tolerated, but for me personally, it has been forgiven. I always get cautious when using the word love, because I don't quite know what it is. But I’d like to think that we used to have it. It’s just that many of us don’t have the first clue on how to channel it, and so we tend to hurt the people we “love.”
On that same note I agree with you that many of us could use some good counseling. I’m not opposed to the idea of counseling at all and think virtually everyone can benefit from doing so whether or not they know or think they need it. I wasn’t insulted by it. It was the other comments you made about my friends that were uncalled for. But it’s all good now, like you said we got off on the wrong foot.
Any relationship is unique and way too complicated to be summed up in a short article. Too much goes unsaid and unexplained. If that article was meant to sum it all up it would be an utter failure at that. The thing is most things I write here is just a way to help me think and vent, and sometimes to no particular audience.
Finally I guess I should let everyone who’s concerned know that we are no longer together. A lot has happened since then. We parted peacefully and rationally when we were both calm and wishing to come up with some resolution of a hopeless situation. He was married last year. I was invited to his wedding. We are friends now and we still keep in touch. We both grew from that experience and hopefully for the better.
月月，這就去。等我一會兒哈
小丟，小潔，蘭蘭，
快回咱們快樂老家把，想你們拉～～～
對有些人，你跟他講不通道理的拉～～
謝謝大家。真的謝謝。我的朋友都太實誠了，實心眼得讓人心疼。誰愛說什麽讓他們說什麽好了，管不過來啊。
樓下的，你要是玩夠了，上別處玩去吧。你非要在這裏玩我也沒辦法。But please direct all your comments to me and me alone. I read all comments and all are well received. Just leave my friends out of this. I admit they can be very protective of me, even though I'm a grown up and can take care of myself. Their love may seem unduely shocking to you, nonetheless I love them for their support and kindness. I wouldn't elevate it to a "cultural revolution" level, nor would I take it as any indication of how "civilized" someone is. Civilization is overated if you ask me. My friends and I are just here to have some fun. You are more than welcome to join us if you'd like, but if you think you are too good for us, then by all means move on. But with all due respect, enough of these insulting yet rediculous remarks about so and so being poisoned by communism or such and such thing is bad for one's heart. You don't strike me as an expert on either Mao's philosophy or cardiac conditions. Give it a rest please.
I like to make some comments to see how people react.
_______________________
Me too. I knew you were not serious. We were playing jokes on you at the same time you made fun of us.
Just hope you could be a little bit simpler and have surely much more real fun that way.
Nice meetinf you here~
sorry I didn't see your most recent post when I wrote my reply!
You are very candid. Yeah,I don't know "why Due tortures her boyfriend and herself" either. I understand that you may act out of good intention to ask Due to seek consultation, but you are probably too quick to give your advice. Also, it's not appropriate to call it "casual"or "mean spirited". You really need to read more of her blog articles.
Also, maybe you are a Chrisitian, but to read and cite the Bible is not a privilege of Christian, right? I remember a Christian friend once encouraged us to pray even though we are not Christian.
因為一開始他身上的某種東西使作者注意了他，可是作者一直不明白他身上的什麽東西讓她注意，讓她縈繞，長時間揮之不去？
等作者長大了，經曆了凡世生活（小丟是七仙女下凡哦～），她恍然大悟地明白了，
奧奧～，呀呀～，哈哈～，咿咿～，原來是他身上固有的或者說是保持的，那種千金難買的，大多數人往往容易被生活洗刷殆盡的純與潔，那種金子般閃光的人性中的美麗啊～
由甜生局長親自安排！
你不知道DUE的全部故事，當然她也沒有義務告訴我們她的全部經曆。你甚至沒有讀完DUE的全部博客，就下這樣的結論，實在是很過分。
其次，我們並沒有judge你，如果你隻是在你家門口發飆，或者你不是在丟的家裏對丟說一些不公平的話，我們根本也不會出來說一些我們的關於丟的文章的看法以至於很不巧的被你認為涉及到你。。。我們甚至都是陌生人，說真的，你都不用care who I am and 我們也同樣不care who you're 或你是什麽樣的人。。。，大家在這也不過是就事論事談論due的文章。。。根本沒有談論到你或者judge你，請你發飆前線讀讀清楚我們的評論好嗎？謝謝。。。。
偶，最後，很不巧的，我和丟非常之熟，非常了解她，不僅在城內，也在城外，她也許有很多缺點，但是我喜歡她高貴透明單純的人格as well as 她的文章，所以我非常知道我在說什麽，今天為什麽出來替她說話不過是因為她剛好出門，我覺得在她不在的時候有人這樣從她的文章評論她的人格很不公平，所以就出來說幾句對她文章的看法。。。。
我隻想說，小丟不要太內疚。我們都可能做一些違心的事，說一些違心的話，從而傷害到別人。即使是象小丟那樣一次好心的行為也無意中傷了少年的自尊。可是，從另一個方麵看，由於你的善意的舉動讓他在那幾年裏有了美好的期盼，是他灰色生命中一筆亮色。至於他在日本傷了腿，隻能怪運氣不好，不是你的錯。
關鍵是要調整好心態，快樂地生活，不要再軟弱而違心地接受錯誤的感情。
同意jerryus小俠女，小丟非常坦率地寫出自己的真實感受，"我們應該用感恩的態度去read去appreciate,而沒有權利在旁邊做judgement." 小丟的文筆太好，我仿佛看到“那張髒兮兮的咧著嘴的笑臉和整齊潔白的牙齒”和“叉著腿騎自行車的姿態像隻蛤蟆，在街道旁一邊繞著八字與我的步行保持同速，一邊用那種讓我覺得有點流氣的聲音唱這首似乎是他唯一會唱的歌”的少年。想起那部電影，“陽光燦爛的日子”。
你和due的區別隻是你也許有比她complicate的經曆甚至陰暗地想法，但你不會把它說出來，而丟不過是用她的單純誠實地寫出了她自己的感受，this is her writing, her experience, not yours，她並不是為了讓別人高興而寫的,不過是很誠實的陳述了她自己的感受whether you like it or not ,對於這樣的誠實，我們應該用感恩的態度去read去appreciate,而沒有權利在旁邊做judgement...........
sorry, I am a very direct person,有什麽說什麽，如果你象你自己覺得的那麽完美的話，你應該能接受我的這段很直接的意見吧。。。謝謝。。。。
雖然有點悲傷，卻很美麗。
“純淨，耀眼，不墜一絲俗世凡塵的笑容。”願喜悅常駐你心裏！
應該不會沒有吧，要多留心 :)
哎，樓下蘭妹可別一二三... 口的，得讓小妮子喘口氣啊~~
因為有些東西
在你心裏
一點點的沉積，從小到大
大到你不留神它就跑出來
好比說哈
你對俺的愛
就是這樣的
在你心底的東東
一複活，就整這一力作
不得不讓人親你一二三... 口的
愛S個人的小妮子你～
阿彌陀佛，你心裏想什麽，就看見什麽！
沙發~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
丟妹又開始寫拉,喜歡看~~
春光美,我非常喜歡的一首歌~~