【♥ 情人節YY 貼 ♥】 美女劫?! -- 漢英混合版 by Lilac [前言] 俺曾在某譚裏，一時茬氣，吐槽過一老男人的拙劣YY文，隨被攻擊道站著說話不嫌腰疼，罵的好不如寫的好. 俺一想也是，俺也不能象宮裏的太監，知道怎麽做，也見過怎麽做，就是做不了. 俺今個就趁著過節來個Lilac式的YY文--青純版的. 您失望呀，俺也沒法兒, 俺又不是沒被砍過帖的說, 俺得學教訓不是~~~
[整個事件,她的陳述] -- 因為她話多，俺就寫成漢語，八的自在. 此女話多， 卻有點 500/2 的精神頭. 自我介紹: 俺叫花花--花言巧語的花，花花腸子的花 俺那會兒，還在上大學，是大四吧，不入流的小學校, 比大夥兒常向往的"山大"差老鼻子遠的說。俺一次去一美女同學家玩兒. 美女同學家住市郊, 玩過點了，其實也沒多晚，也就快八點了吧，但北方冬天都黑的早，從同學家出來，天都黑嚓嚓了，伸手不見五指，小冷風嗖嗖吹著，直往俺領口裏鑽。俺同學說送送俺，俺就假惺惺客氣了一下，人家就當真了，甚麻人嘛。俺一人一頭紮進黑夜裏，想著公共汽車站也不遠，俺就快走吧。 可走到了，更慘，一向就昏暗的路燈徹底歇菜了，站牌下沒一活人。俺戰戰兢兢，左等右等，班車就是不來。俺是越等越怕，越等上下牙齒越打架。腦子裏竄進各種恐怖的故事，什麽最後一班公共汽車，午夜的凶鈴。最糟的是，x市最近有幾起單身婦女，夜裏遭流氓劫財劫色的犯罪事件。俺一激靈，不行, 俺不能橫豎等死呀，興許這周末班車就收的早，俺的另想辦法，零零落落有人騎車過，俺就劫車吧。得找個年青點，有點勁的，順路的，把俺馱到快市區熱鬧點的地方，俺再打車，俺盤算著. 至於人家願不願意，俺到還真沒想, 俺大小姐還不是所向披靡, 要月亮決不含糊星星的說。對了，還得找正派的，要不是羊送狼口嗎? NND，這不比找對象還難。大白天打燈籠都找不到這好的，黑燈瞎火的，叫俺去那兒抓壯丁的說。 俺正琢磨著，前方忽然出現疑似正派人士，小分頭，學生仔模樣，當年俺眼神巨好，借著億萬光年遠的點點星光，俺硬是做出了曆史轉折性的正確判斷。俺攏了一下頭發，準備辣手出擊。千鈞一發之際，突然俺束發的發花斷了,珠子撒了一地，NND。俺也顧不上了，過了這個村，可沒那個店的說，俺大喝一聲，張開雙臂，從站台上縱身躍下，攔在車前。來人亦不甘示弱，大叫一聲，旋即魂飛魄散, 呆若母雞，靠, 沒見過美女嗎? 反應也太誇張了吧。 俺一眼瞧見他胸前白底藍字的校徽，xx大學。這不遠是有個大學，比"山大"還有名頭，WOW, 還是個才子泥，今兒個讓俺佳人劫了。搞清他身分後，俺底氣更足了。不拉不拉，說明原委後，俺就準備往後坐上坐了，俺還有車要趕泥，沒功夫磨嘰。呆瓜才子顯然是沒見過什麽世麵的，上上下下又打量了俺好幾眼。還把褲兜裏的錢包鑰匙掏出，放到胸前的口袋裏，這才開路。切，小樣, 姑奶奶我會劫他那幾個銅子兒。姑奶奶腳上這雙皮靴都夠買一新車 - 新自行車的說. 吃幾碗幹飯的幹活，怎麽騎這麽慢, 跟個蝸牛似的，白長這麽大的一個架子了，俺還要保持這一僵屍姿勢，長路漫漫, 何日是個頭呀, 俺暗自嘀咕著。 一路無話。到了市內，見了燈火，見了人群，俺鬆了口大氣，俺下了車，他也鬆了口氣。“唉，多謝了，同學，給個名吧，電話也行，俺到時給你們學校寫通表揚信什麽的”, 俺邊套瓷著邊擼著的頭發，NND，發花也沒了，俺從小就頭發又多又長又密，不束起來，就是個宇宙災難。那邊那個呆瓜才子什麽也沒說, 臉上還有疑似暗紅, 真被電的不輕。隻見他掏出一大厚疊飯票，取下綁飯票的皮筋遞給俺。 哪兒整的東東? 夠粗夠結實，NND, 捆牛都不成問題，還一股食堂菜油味。要不是俺鳳凰敗落不如雞，俺早就給他扔到姥姥家了。俺捏著鼻子收下. 等俺挽上一頭亂發，俺又回神了，車也來了，他想說什麽，俺已經上車了。小樣，這種作派，還想泡妞，下八輩子吧. 一個月以後的一個周末，室友桃桃不知從哪搞到兩張免費的舞票，非要拉上俺。俺這一被拉，筋抽了，突然舞癮上來了，老房子著火, 攔也攔不住。俺描上眉，畫上眼，挑了條最喜歡的紫色碎花長裙 (知道俺為啥叫花花了吧)，蹬上一雙細高跟鞋，俺倆就直奔學校舞廳。 和所有學校一樣, 這舞廳平時是學生食堂，周末一到, 椅子桌子往兩邊一忽擼，菜油一抹地，三燈光掐掉兩兒, 架上個破錄音機，就成舞廳了。這個人多的, 澡堂子樣，這跳舞真是大學一重要文化, 一永不褪色的風景線. 照現在時髦的說法，哥姐們跳的不是舞，是寂寞。從大一遠遠看，大二邊邊站，大三團團轉，到大四腿跳斷, 食堂舞廳培養了一代代舞林高手豪傑, 造就了無數校園浪漫泡沫. 桃桃已不知去向，不知被哪個帥鍋騙跑了. 俺正處在舞林上境，俯瞰芸芸舞徒, 作高人感歎狀. 耳邊舞曲響起,“帶走一盞漁火，讓他溫暖我的雙眼。留下一段真情,讓它停泊在楓橋邊” 毛寧的濤聲依舊，慢四正好，俺腳尖點著拍子。忽聽人怯怯道，小姐，請跳一曲吧。俺大眼一回神，喲，這不是呆瓜才子嗎。追女追到這來了。“您大老遠跑這疙瘩地來堵本小姐了”“ 頭次來，碰巧” “碰巧？？”，切, 俺才不信捏，你以為你是孔明轉世，還是你媽媽是門口買票兼當spy的？ 還是你把武俠書都當小言看了？以為真有什麽於千萬人之中，於千萬年之中，沒有早一步，也沒有遲一步，一次就遇見你要遇見的人的遊戲，去哄哄蠢蠢的大一女生吧. 呆瓜也敢請舞仙兒拚舞, 好，有種。俺先不戳穿你的小把戲, 俺到要看看你的西洋景。N曲下來，慢三快四，快三慢四兼中場胡擰，呆瓜才子，臉不紅，氣不踹，菜油地上一水地滑過, 一個趔趄沒有, 而俺的十個腳趾頭還都健在，高跟鞋也完好無損. 俺的汗下來了, 有點暈，俺今個感覺要栽, 碰上高人了，俺要趕緊撤了。 “嗨，小姐，（先定格一下，在那個青澀的年代和青澀的社會，小姐就是男子對大家閨秀或小家碧玉的尊稱，現在你敢對阻街女郎以外的女士這麽叫是會被抽的找不到北的）且慢” “怎麽，還纏上了不成?” “上回俺借你的皮筋，可以還俺了嗎？俺上次想告訴你這皮筋俺還要的說，可你已上車了” “#%*@&%” , 俺一趔趄, “搞半天，感情是來千裏討皮筋的” 還一臉的嚴肅認真，工科男的心理實在不是一般的變態 (和壇子裏某霹靂神貼罵過的一樣. 注：這僅僅代表花花的個人心理活動，俺lilac一向最fan工科男哈, 工科男邏輯超好, 還會修馬桶, 俺自愧不如, 請磚板們自動偏離軌道45度的說 ~~)。 ~~~ 俺眼角抽搐著，俺這個被尊稱為小姐的上世紀大家閨秀怎麽也會有現代女士抽人的強烈衝動。 “你那捆牛的破皮筋，又髒又臭，姑奶奶俺早扔了” “扔了??!! 那皮筋，捆東西巨好使, 從不會斷. 是特製的試驗手套剪的, 買都買不著.” “得，想訛錢不是？ 說個數吧!” “嗨，扔了也沒法了，就請喝瓶汽水吧，俺就不計較了”巨通情達理的說. 俺汗又下來了, 不是個善茬，俺也有一天走眼的時候, 今兒個真的要栽了. 果真，這一來二往，丟了根人家捆飯票的皮筋，賠了一瓶可樂，又賠上自個的電話號碼, 最後把自個也賠上了. 嗯，這事俺是始作俑者，但俺總嚼的上了某人的道道的說~~ [整個事件,他的陳述] 因為他話少，俺就寫成英語，投機取個巧, 此人話少心眼可不少. Self-introduction: My name is Dummy, or Smart-a-s-s. It was a cold winter night. I was biking to a downtown bookstore from my school. There was one section of the road that was so dark, so deserted and so eerily quiet except the occasional creaking sound from dry tree branches above the head. The hair on my back had an urge to stand up. And I had an urge to escape this damn place ASAP. I just started to speed up pedaling. Suddenly with a dreadful ear-piercing scream, a white figure swooped down from nowhere and landed in front of my bicycle. For one moment, I almost got the shit scared out of me. “Am I running into some ghost or what?” It took me 5 minutes to come back to my senses and to make clear it was nothing but a human, a girl, a young girl about my age. She had the most horrible hairstyle I had ever seen, flying around crazily like being electrified. Her twisted small face was ghastly pale with big DESPERATION fully written on it. I had only 50 Yuan in my wallet and a young life of 20 years old. But it seemed that she didn’t want money. She didn’t want to claim my life either. She was a student. She missed a bus. She wanted a ride. So to my honor, I was picked out by “luck” as the victim. I was still digesting the information blabbed from her fast talking mouth while she was trying to jump onto the back seat. To be frank, not tooting my horn, I had been “intercepted” on campus by the strange girls, not once, but in much nice and sweet ways. This girl came way too strong, too spooky to even give me a chance to say no. She didn’t look harmful, just a little coocoo, maybe. I decided to take the risk to be a Samaritan to give her a ride. My bike tires were a little flat. Although she seemed not very heavy, it was still a person’s weight and there was still a long way to the downtown. I needed to pedal much hard. So I transferred my wallet and keys from my pants pocket to the shirt pocket to give my legs more stretching room. I caught her darting me a despicable look. What the hell was that? She was not heavy at all. Maybe she was a ghost. She clutched the iron bars of the back seat so tightly that her knuckles turned white, like the last fall leaf stubbornly clinging there. Actually for the sake of safety, she’d better put her arms around my waist to secure the sitting. But obviously, that was the last thing on her mind. She had the least intention to take advantage of a cute guy like me and I was not ready to be taken any advantage of by a zombie girl either. We were just trapped in this awkward situation. I had to bike slowly and steadily to balance the old bicycle on the bumpy road. So we didn’t have to be forced to “touch” each other anyway. When we finally reached the noisy downtown, my back was drenched in sweat. Once she saw the crowd, she looked so relieved. I also felt relieved for her. That a young girl stopped a strange young man for hitchhiking at the dark night was a much bigger daredevil act than the bungee jumping. They were both suicidal acts, but at least for the latter you knew you had the harness to pull you back to the safety at the last second before you plummeted to death. However, for the former, that was pure luck plus prayers, many prayers. But it seemed there was something about this girl. She had that kind of self-deluded confidence. Once she made up her mind for something, she would go and get it. She wouldn’t sit there helplessly, waiting for the prince in shining armor for the rescue. If she did need help, she would take the initiative and single out whomever, prince or beggar, could help her out of the trouble safely. She had her own judgment, she believed in it and it somehow worked out. That was something worth admiring. And actually she was not that bad looking. Or were my eyes really f*cked up by the previous shock? She was very thin, or slender, a better word. Some rosy color had been restored to her cheeks, so she was not that ghostly looking. She was trying to tidy up her tousled hair with some grumbling cursing words while waiting for the bus. It occurred to me I had a strong rubber band that was used to organize school food tickets. Her hair could use some strong rubber band. I couldn’t hide my laugh when I saw her accept it with that unrestrained disgusting but no other choice look. She looked much better after she put her hair in order. She must be that type of girl called “beauty at the second or third sight”. She even asked my name and put on that “I-could-hit-on- you-and-I-didn’t-give-it-a-damn” act. I guessed she just bluffed there to show she had more niubility and coolness than a guy to cover her embarrassment in this whole bizarre incident. Ok, she deserved a lesson. Her error lied in that she should never intrigue or challenge a guy, a guy like me. I didn’t tell her my name, and I didn’t even ask her name, because I didn’t need to. I was sure I could hunt her down in a surprising way. She mentioned her school and her college year when she was seeking for help. She sure was a blabbermouth. That was enough. I knew that was a small school and I happened to know a friend who studied there. She could help me get this ghost girl’s identity. With that kind of signature hair, it shouldn't be hard to find out. I was sure we would encounter each other again soon in a "coincidence". She had to return what she had borrowed and much more no matter she liked or not. If there were always wars between men and women, she would lose hers since she had already underestimated her rival…. And the final results proved I am right as always because I am the smart-a-s-s… [公堂對質] 多年以後，一天，她閑的在家抓牆，又把這事翻出來了。“我說，呆瓜, 那晚, 星光燦爛, 俺白衣勝雪，笑靨如花，鶯聲燕語, 天外飛仙般，從空而降，攔你車前，是不是把你電的七葷八素的說” 呆瓜他從報紙裏抬眼，努力回憶了一把，幽幽道，“的確，花花, 那晚, 風高夜黑, 你白衣慘麵，笑裏藏刀, 批頭散發，聲如厲鬼，好似貞子還魂，梅超風詐屍於俺車前，差一點沒被你嚇的尿褲子的說” 簡直, 簡直豈有此理，氣死活人了, “請接俺一記九陰白骨爪” 這她眼中的美女劫，成了他眼中的鬼女劫，終歸成了他們的情人劫 - 情人節 祝大家情人節快樂, 不是情人節也快樂~~~ [後記] 其實那捆牛的皮筋她並沒有扔, 她用香皂仔細洗了幾遍後, 私藏了. 每次, 洗了澡後，挽起亂發作功課或幹家務挺得勁的, 還真沒斷過, 但凡好東西是逃不開她的法眼的。 這捆牛的皮筋，牛要是不想要被捆, 是捆也捆不住的，就讓那自以為是的呆瓜以為自己舞場情場占了上風吧. 她大小姐才真是所向披靡, 要月亮決不含糊星星的說. He might win the game, but she invented it. I vote for Huahua. 本文係lilac應節應時且吃飽沒事後YY而作，如有雷同，純屬巧合,~~ 一夜長大 - 梁靜茹唱 Lilac, 02. 2010 |
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