俺大眼看了, 寫的真很不錯，文從字順，有細節描寫，有心理掙紮，也有funny段子。俺雞蛋裏挑骨頭，加點自己的想法如果俺是作者，教主不必計較，參考即是
俺先從大的方麵說說
好些人對scuba diving具體是個啥東東，都不是太清楚，加段introduction，會好一點
Scuba diving offers people the opportunity to see what life is like below the water in lakes, and oceans. Scuba is an acronym that stands for self-contained underwater breathing apparatus (googled). Scuba divers wear equipment, which allows the divers to stay below the water's surface for long periods of time.
scuba diving不比騎自行車或開車，是很危險很刺激又很fantacy的，如果能在開頭把這種感覺渲染出來，才能抓住eyeballs. 俺是diving白癡，憑自己想象胡縐一段. 總之，文章開頭要盡量作標題黨，不管三七二十一抓住讀者才是王道
It is well known scuba diving is a very dangerous sport. Just picture it, diving down 1000 feet water, will one have lung explosion if descending too fast? what if something goes wrong with the equipment? What if there is a shark attack or jellyfish sting? What if one is running out of oxygen while his buddy is out of reachable distance. All these legitimate questions and concerns can daunt any new learners. It seems there is too much to learn, too much to master, too much to be alert of, kind of overwhelming. But the dream since my childhood of diving deep into the heart of ocean, touching those beautiful corals, flower like sea anemones, while surrounded by various colorful aquatic creatures that you can can’t even put a name on, is too intriguing and enthralling to resist. With this mixed feeling of excitement and worries, I entered into the 潛水office…..blah blah
細節上
With a brief hesitation, I signed the form with my mind where excitment tricklED away and nerves tensED up.”
Note: Very nice sentence, especially those two verbs, exellent usage. Pay attention to tense (should be past tense)
最後一段 your version:
"With the clumsy and inflated suite, she was floating, rotating, and revolving on surface BUT sinking downward to the bottom. After deflating the suite, S, GLOWING on her face, already drifted from one end to the other while teachers were busy in handling others’ emergencies.”
Note: “but” logical 好象不通; “glowing”，俺不大懂，俺猜你想表達她臉色蒼白，glowing是發白光的; 熱情洋溢的；是形容人很高興的，不符合意思。俺稍稍改了一下, 用 “ghast”
With the clumsy and inflated suite, she was floating, rotating, revolving, trying to be above water for a hectic moment, then sinking downward to the bottom. After deflating the suite, S, ghastly faced, already drifted from one end to the other while teachers were busy in handling others’ emergencies.”
俺先從大的方麵說說
好些人對scuba diving具體是個啥東東，都不是太清楚，加段introduction，會好一點
Scuba diving offers people the opportunity to see what life is like below the water in lakes, and oceans. Scuba is an acronym that stands for self-contained underwater breathing apparatus (googled). Scuba divers wear equipment, which allows the divers to stay below the water's surface for long periods of time.
scuba diving不比騎自行車或開車，是很危險很刺激又很fantacy的，如果能在開頭把這種感覺渲染出來，才能抓住eyeballs. 俺是diving白癡，憑自己想象胡縐一段. 總之，文章開頭要盡量作標題黨，不管三七二十一抓住讀者才是王道
It is well known scuba diving is a very dangerous sport. Just picture it, diving down 1000 feet water, will one have lung explosion if descending too fast? what if something goes wrong with the equipment? What if there is a shark attack or jellyfish sting? What if one is running out of oxygen while his buddy is out of reachable distance. All these legitimate questions and concerns can daunt any new learners. It seems there is too much to learn, too much to master, too much to be alert of, kind of overwhelming. But the dream since my childhood of diving deep into the heart of ocean, touching those beautiful corals, flower like sea anemones, while surrounded by various colorful aquatic creatures that you can can’t even put a name on, is too intriguing and enthralling to resist. With this mixed feeling of excitement and worries, I entered into the 潛水office…..blah blah
細節上
With a brief hesitation, I signed the form with my mind where excitment tricklED away and nerves tensED up.”
Note: Very nice sentence, especially those two verbs, exellent usage. Pay attention to tense (should be past tense)
最後一段 your version:
"With the clumsy and inflated suite, she was floating, rotating, and revolving on surface BUT sinking downward to the bottom. After deflating the suite, S, GLOWING on her face, already drifted from one end to the other while teachers were busy in handling others’ emergencies.”
Note: “but” logical 好象不通; “glowing”，俺不大懂，俺猜你想表達她臉色蒼白，glowing是發白光的; 熱情洋溢的；是形容人很高興的，不符合意思。俺稍稍改了一下, 用 “ghast”
With the clumsy and inflated suite, she was floating, rotating, revolving, trying to be above water for a hectic moment, then sinking downward to the bottom. After deflating the suite, S, ghastly faced, already drifted from one end to the other while teachers were busy in handling others’ emergencies.”
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