TGIF - 看笑話,學英文

Completely blind

Jon and Dan are in a mental institution which has an annual contest that picks two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they answer correctly, they are released. Jon is called into the doctor's office first. The doctor says, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon says, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor tells him that he is free to go. On Jon's way out he tells Dan the questions and answers. The doctor asks Dan, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Dan says, "I'd be half blind." The doctor, slightly puzzled, continues, "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?" "I'd be completely blind." "Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?" asks the doctor. "Well," replies Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

Ex wife

After 15 years of marriage, Kate leaves her hu*****and Danny. Danny lost everything to his X wife, so thinking he’s going insane he takes a little walk through the forest. As he was walking his foot hits a lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says, “I'll give u 3 wishes, BUT everything you get your wife gets two times as much. Danny wishes for a car and his wife got two times as many cars. Then he wished for a house and his wife got two houses. Then Danny asked the genie to choke him half two death.

Two Words

A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on. One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess". The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you". The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years. So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess. He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?" And the princess said, "Pardon?"

Life and computer

If Life Were Like A Computer: You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel. You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it! You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings. You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy. You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys. To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

A Hu*****and's Moment of Realization

A woman's hu*****and had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck."

Drunk man and judge

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?” The man said, “Here and there.” The judge asked the man, “What do you do for a living?” The man said, “This and that.” The judge then said, “Take him away.” The man said, “Wait, judge when will I get out?” The judge said to the man, “Sooner or later.”

The dog bites

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"

School assignment

One day, after school was over, a teacher walked up to one of her students. For a school assignment she asked him to find four phrases,write them down then give them back to her the next day. So, the student reached home and asked his mom if she had a phrase. "Shut up!!!", exclaimed the mom. Next, the student went to his brother and asked if he had a phrase. "Bada bada BATMAN!!!", laughed the brother. Next, the student went to the neighborhood janitor and asked if he had a phrase. "Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!", complained the janitor. Finally for his final phrase the student asked the town baker if he had a phrase. "My buns are burning, my buns are burning!", shouted the baker. The next day at school the student waltzed up to his teacher's desk "Do you have your four phrases", asked the Teacher? "Shut up!", shouted the student. The teacher feeling very hurt asked, "Who do you think you are!?" "Bada bada BATMAN", laughed the student. "What are you getting out of all this school?", asked the teacher. "Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!" Then the teacher spanked the student and he went around yelling "MY BUNS ARE BURNING MY BUNS ARE BURNING!"

Help The Lonely Child

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

Misunderstood Phrases

One day, after school was over, a teacher walked up to one of her students. For a school assignment she asked him to find four phrases,write them down then give them back to her the next day. So, the student reached home and asked his mom if she had a phrase. "Shut up!!!", exclaimed the mom. Next, the student went to his brother and asked if he had a phrase. "Bada bada BATMAN!!!", laughed the brother. Next, the student went to the neighborhood janitor and asked if he had a phrase. "Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!", complained the janitor. Finally for his final phrase the student asked the town baker if he had a phrase. "My buns are burning, my buns are burning!", shouted the baker. The next day at school the student waltzed up to his teacher's desk "Do you have your four phrases", asked the Teacher? "Shut up!", shouted the student. The teacher feeling very hurt asked, "Who do you think you are!?" "Bada bada BATMAN", laughed the student. "What are you getting out of all this school?", asked the teacher. "Garbage, garbage, garbage, nothing but garbage all day long!" Then the teacher spanked the student and he went around yelling "MY BUNS ARE BURNING MY BUNS ARE BURNING!"

所有跟帖： 

• 哈哈哈。 -虎總- ♂ (0 bytes) () 10/10/2009 postreply 05:19:27

• hilarious. -nystory- ♂ (0 bytes) () 10/10/2009 postreply 06:10:53

• Sooner or later, i willl cry or laugh... -走馬讀人- ♂ (0 bytes) () 10/10/2009 postreply 08:15:21

• how come? -小媛- ♀ (59 bytes) () 10/10/2009 postreply 08:28:34

• it is the same as "sooner or later". -走馬讀人- ♂ (0 bytes) () 10/10/2009 postreply 19:10:16