1 是不是喝醉了
My neighbor, the home builder came home drunk and managed to park in the garage, but injured himself when he knocked some sample storm windows he had on a shelf. The second day, his wife talked with him.
A: You came home drunk last night, didn't you?
B: Heavens no.
A: How did you injure yourself then?
R: Oh, I injured myself on the job yesterday.
A: OK, then, please tell me where you did first aid.
B: I think in the bathroom.
A: Well, please explain the bandages all over the bathroom mirror.
我的鄰居，一個房屋建築者，醉熏熏地開著車回家，想把車停在車庫裏，結果撞上了自己放在架上的一些防風玻璃樣品，把自己弄傷一了。第二天他妻子與他談話。
妻子：你昨天晚上喝醉了，是不是?
丈夫：對天發誓，我沒有。
妻子：那麽你是怎樣受傷的呢?
丈夫：我是昨天工作時受傷的。
妻子：好吧，那麽請告訴我你昨天在哪裏包紮的。
丈夫：我想是在浴室。
妻子：好吧，請解釋一下為什麽浴室的鏡子上貼滿了繃帶呢?
2 看到不該看的
A: I had much trouble with my son Dick.
B: You should not worry about that, in the least I had trouble with my daughter too.
A: I suppose Dick's like me that way too, I believe.
B: That's not bad.
A: That's just too bad. I told him time and again not to do what I did but to do what I told him to do, but that didn't seem to work at all.
B: Look here, Bill, suppose you just tell me what's happened and I'll try to work things out for you.
A: Well, I sort of told Dick not to go to see striptease ladies, for he could see things he shouldn’t and what do you think he did?
B: What?
A: Believe it or not, that was exactly what he did, and do you know what he saw there？
B: Err, well, I am not much of an expert but I can guess what the boy...
A: That's it. You've guessed it right. He saw me there.
A: 我現在管不了我兒子迪克了。
B: 你用不著擔心，我也經常與我女兒發生矛盾。
A: 我想，迪克隨我。
B: 那並不是件壞事呀!
A: 問題就壞在這裏了。我三番五次地告訴他，不要照我做的去做，而要照我說的去做。可似乎根本沒有用。
B: 比爾，看著我，究竟發生了什麽，你快告訴我。我將幫你理出個頭緒來。
A: 我，呃，呃……告訴他不要去看脫衣舞女郎，因為他可能會看到不該看的東西，你知道他怎麽了?
B: 怎麽?
A: 信不信由你，他恰恰那麽做了，你猜他看到了什麽?
B: 呃，這個方麵我不是專家，不過我猜想那孩子……
A: 沒錯，你猜對了，他看見我在那兒。
3 我要他的老婆/ I want his wife
When I was in Britain, one of my Chinese classmates wanted to make some chicken soup, so he went to the grocery. He said he wanted to buy "chicken," not knowing the word "hen." So, when the grocer showed him a rooster, my classmate shook his head and said，"I don't want this one, I want his wife!"
在英國，一中國同學去菜場想買母雞回來燉湯喝，不會說hen，隻說要chicken，人家指給他一個大公雞，他搖搖頭，說：“我不想要這隻，我要他的老婆。”
4 最好的售貨員
Harry saw an ad in a window. It said: "Wanted. The Best Salesman in the World. Top pay." "I'm a best salesman. " Harry told himself. " I can sell anything. I’ll go in and ask for that job." He went into the building and spoke to the manager.
A: I'm the best salesman in the world. Give me the job.
B: You must prove you're the best.
A: I'll pass every test you give me.
B: Good.
The manager took a box of candy out of his desk.
B: Last week, I bought a thousand boxes of this candy. If you can sell them all before the end of the week, you can have the job.
A: That's easy.
He took the box of candy and left the office. Every day and all day, he went from shop to shop, trying to sell boxes of the candy. He couldn't sell one. The candy was so bad he couldn't even give it away.
A: I'm sorry, sir, I was wrong about myself. I'm not the best salesman in the world, but I know who is.
B: Oh. Who?
A: The person who sold you a thousand boxes of this candy.
哈裏在櫥窗上看到一則廣告。上麵寫著：“招聘世界上最好的售貨員，報酬優厚。”“我是一名了不起的售貨員，”哈裏自言自語，“任何東西我都能賣出去，我要進去應聘這份工作。”他走進大樓去和經理說這件事。
A: 我是世界上最好的售貨員，把這份工作給我吧。
B: 你必須證明你是最好的。
A: 我會通過你給我的每一次考驗的。
B: 好。
經理從桌子裏取出一箱糖果。
我上星期買了1OOO箱這種糖果。如果你能在周末之前把這些全賣出去，你就能得到這份工作。
A: 這很簡單。
他拿著這箱糖果離開了辦公室。每天從早到晚，他從這家店走到那家店，竭力想賣出這1000箱糖果。結果他一箱也沒賣出去。糖果質量太差，以至於送人都沒人要。
A: 很抱歉，先生，我搞錯了。我不是世界上最好的售貨員，但我知道誰是最好的。
B: 哦，是誰?
A: 是把這1000箱糖果賣給你的人。
5 富人的寶貝
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money. So, he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
A: Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.
B: Could you speak to Gd to see if he might bend the rules?
Then he continues to pray his wealth could follow him, and the angel reappears.
A: The God has decided to allow you to take one suitcase with yourself.
Over joyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gate of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter sees the suitcase.
C: Hold on. you can't bring that in here!
B: But I have permission and you can verify my statement with the Lord.
C: You are right. You can carry a bag. But I’m supposed to check its contents before letting you through.
B：OK.
Then he opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind.
C: You brought our pavement?!
曾經有一個富人快要死了，他很傷心，因為為了錢他才拚命工作，他想把錢帶著一起上天堂，因此他開始祈禱懇求他能隨身帶一些財產。
A: 對不起, 你不能帶走財產。
B: 你跟上帝說說情吧，看能否網開一麵?
他繼續祈禱能帶上財產，天使又出現了。
A: 上帝允許你隨身帶一個手提箱。
富人欣喜若狂，拿了他最大的手提箱，裏麵裝滿了金條，然後放在床邊。不久這個富人死了，出現在天堂門口向聖彼得致意。聖彼得看到了那隻手提箱。
C: 等一下，你不能把那東西帶到這兒來。
B: 但是我已經得到了許可，你可以到上帝那兒證實一下。
C: 沒錯，你可以帶一隻手提箱，但我要檢查一下裏麵是什麽東西才能放行。
B: 好的。
於是聖彼得打開手提箱檢查那位富人舍不得留在塵世間的寶貝。
C: 你把我們這兒的鋪地磚帶來了?!
6 壓根抓不住
The escalating sales of turkey legs inspired a poultry farmer to research and breed a turkey with more legs and thus reap more profits for him. It was only after many years that he finally succeeded in breeding one with six legs! The news of his success reached the media and reporters. They questioned him about the taste of the turkey he had bred. The intellectual whispered with a grave face, " I'd like to tell you, but I could not catch it!"
火雞腿的熱銷讓一名家禽飼養員想研究培育出一個有更多條腿的火雞品種，從而可以獲利更多。許多年後，他終於成功培育出一隻有六條腿的火雞!他成功的新聞被媒體獲悉，到訪的記者們詢問他這隻火雞的味道如何。這名智者一臉嚴肅地低聲說道：“我倒是想告訴你呢，但是我壓根抓不住啊!”
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