1 那雞美味啊/That chicken was delicious
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.
Son 1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.
Son 2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.
Son 3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway." Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car."
Next, she went to Son 3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."
有一個近乎失明的小老太，她有三個兒子，每一個都想向母親證明自己對她最好。
第一個兒子為她買下一棟有15個房間的豪宅，他覺得這肯定是給母親的禮物中的最好的。
二兒子為她買了一輛漂亮的奔馳，還配了個司機。他也覺得他一定會贏了。
老三為母親買了一隻鸚鵡。這隻鸚鵡接受了15年的訓練，能一字不落地背誦整部聖經，並且不論你問他聖經中的哪一節，他都能從聖經裏原句引出。這是多麽好的禮物啊。
這位老太太走到他的第一個兒子那兒說：“孩子，你買的房子很豪華。但是它太大了，我隻能睡一間房，而維護和清潔的工作太多了，我實在不需要它，但還是要謝謝你。”接著她麵對二兒子說：“你的車真漂亮，它有你可能想要的一切，但我不會開車，也真的不喜歡那個司機，所以你把它退了吧！”
然後，她走向她的小兒子說：“孩子，我要感謝你最體貼的禮物！那隻雞實在是美味啊！”
2 招攬生意/To Drum Up Business
A man accidentally slipped on a banana peel and performed a very funny fall. He was not hurt, but had his dignity somewhat ruffled.
When he got better a moment later, he found several people standing around in a circle. He said angrily, "What are these idlers doing here?"
"They are not idlers," explained his friend. "This man is a doctor. He wants to look you over." That man is a lawyer. He is ready to file a suit for you. And a producer of comic films is waiting for you to sign a contract agreeing to work for him."
有個人偶然踩到一塊香蕉皮上，滑到的樣子非常滑稽，引人發笑。他沒有受傷，隻是有點難為情。
過了一會兒他感覺好些了的時候，發覺有好幾個人圍著他站成一圈。他很不高興地說：“這些閑人在這裏幹什麽呢？”
他的朋友解釋說：“他們不是閑人。這個人是醫生，他想給你檢查一下。那個人是律師，他準備為你起訴。另一個人是喜劇電影的製片人，他在等你簽署一份同意為他工作的合同。”
3 一個計策/A Contrivance
An old man visited a doctor to consult as to what he should do. The doctor gave him some instructions.
The old man shook his head and started to leave the office. The doctor said: "Sir, you forget to pay me." "Pay you for what?" said the old man. The doctor replied: "For my advice."
"No, sir, no, sir," the old man replied, "I am not going to take it."
有個老頭去找醫生谘詢，問他該怎麽做，醫生給他提了一些建議。
老頭搖搖頭就要離開診室。醫生說：“先生，你忘記了付費了。”“付什麽費呀？”老頭說。醫生回答說：“付谘詢費給我呀。”
老頭說：“不啦，先生，我不接受你的意見。”
4 受不了了/Unbearable
A traveler came to a small Middle Western town. He decided to stay for a few days.
When he was about to write his name on the hotel register, he saw a bedbug crawling across the page.
"It is really unbearable," he said, flinging down the pen. "I've been bitten by fleas in Missouri, mosquitos in New Jersey, horse flies in Kansas-but this is the first place I was ever in where a bug looked over the hotel register to find out the number of my room. Why, where on earth I should go!"
有個旅行家來到中西部的一個小市鎮。他決定留下待幾天。
當他正要在旅店的登記薄上簽名時，看到有個臭蟲從單子上爬過去。
“真受不了了，”他扔下手中的筆說：“我在密蘇裏被跳蚤咬過，在新澤西被蚊子叮過，在堪薩斯被馬蠅啃過—而在這裏會有一個臭蟲到登記台來找我的房間號碼，我還是第一次遇到呢。嗬唷，我究竟該去哪兒啊!”
5 白她一眼/Roll Your Eyes Back to Her
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, " A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I Do?"
"Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."
兩個怪物去了一個萬聖節派對。 突然一個人對另一個說：“一個女士白了我一眼，我該怎麽辦？”
“做個紳士，回白她一眼。”
6 墓地音樂/The Cemetery Music(謝謝womaninhome提供)
A music scholar was touring through a graveyard in Vienna when he heard music coming out of a grave. On inspection, he found the headstone as Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. The music was the Ninth Symphony being played backwards.
He soon rang up a friend who came in time to hear the Seventh Symphony being played backwards. They hurried to call an expert who hurried to them to hear the Fifth Symphony playing backwards. The weird thing was the fact that symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were composed. When the caretaker of the graveyard heard this, the only comment he made was, "What's the wonder! He's just decomposing!"
一個音樂學者正在穿過維也納的一個墓地，聽到音樂從一個墳墓中發出來。檢查時，他發現墓碑為路德維希·範·貝多芬，1770-1827。音樂是第九交響曲反向播放。
他很快就給一個朋友打了電話，他及時趕到聽到第七交響曲正在反向播放。他們急忙給一個專家打電話，專家急忙趕到聽到第五交響曲反向演奏。奇怪的事情是，交響樂是按照他們創作的相反的順序演奏的。當墓園的看守聽到這個，他唯一的評論是，“什麽奇跡，他隻是在分解！”
祝大家萬聖節快樂!
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