Your sentences structure are good

But, many sentences do not make sense when they were put together. Making sense is the primary purpose for sentences.

also, the story does not make sense either. Writing is a way to make story, a story that could catch readers' curiosities. The title for the story should consistent with the story itself.

think about these and you will make progress.

good luck with your writing training.

所有跟帖： 

• I appreciated very much for your sincere instructions. Very help -李公尚- ♂ (0 bytes) () 01/21/2016 postreply 12:14:24

• Curious to ask, did you use Google Translate? -rancho2008- ♀ (0 bytes) () 01/21/2016 postreply 22:23:45

• No,never. Thanks for your question. -李公尚- ♂ (0 bytes) () 01/22/2016 postreply 18:54:36

• It's OK. Many people have gone or are going through the same sta -肖莊- ♀ (284 bytes) () 01/23/2016 postreply 21:08:12