Not bad at all. I'm not good at English writing so I can only l

You don't want to use because...so to match 因為。。。所以 in chinese, that's Chinglish.

Use rained to replace rain since it was in the past.

" I would stop the earth making it stay in July for ever": I would stop the earth and make it...

You used because, not because, but because in one full sentence.  Too many "because".

"anywhere further " can be anywhere far away.