I have a confession to make. Actually, it is not a confection in any meaningful way, because people who see me in real life know what holds their eyes – my eyes are wall-eyed. I simply couldn’t look straight.
I was born that way. No one was as worried as my mother, who wouldn’t accept the fact by, from time to time, sticking a pair of chopsticks in front of my nose and, in great hope, asking, “How many?” Each time, I relentlessly shattered her hope by saying, “None.” When people talked to me, they would invariably ask if I was listening, because they thought I was gaping somewhere else, when, in fact, I was trying hard to put my eyes facing the same direction.
Compared to my cousins who are cross-eyed, I suffer more disadvantages. They always appear focused, making people feel important, while I have to slightly turn my face in order to look I am paying attention, and using only one of my eyes at a time makes people really want to whack me on the head if they don’t know the story behind.
One day, when I was watching TV, I saw a strangest-looking shark in my life. A handicapped shark, whose head looked like a huge hammer, was roaming in the sea. On either side of that hammer head were its eyes. Tears welled up in my eyes when I saw it twisting its body clumsily when swimming. What a poor creature! How could it live with eyes so widely apart? It would have to take a tremendous effort to catch fish and each hunting trip was a probability hunch. I had such strange kindred connection with it that I couldn’t help but feel sorry for it having to survive among other cool-looking sharks. Since then, I call myself a hammer head shark. The look does not project any ferocious images that are typically in people minds; on the contrary, it arouses much more sympathy than fear because of its disfigured body. I guess my instinct would tell me to laugh instead of running away when seeing one.
However, born wall-eyed is not without its advantages. There are several professions suit me: a secret agent - I don’t even need to pretend I am not looking; a gynecologist - I could perform my duties without getting my clients feel embarrassed; or a boxer - I would be natural in confusing my opponents when delivering a punch. But, I ended up as a cashier in a gas station. Since I got the job, the business in the station had been booming! The cars waiting to fill up tanks were spilling out to the main street, until one day, I was fired because everyone in the community knew they did not need to pay for the gas. All they needed to do was to stick out cash with one hand, and take it back with the other when I was trying to count out their changes….
What a sick joke I am telling here! Everyone, have a great weekend. Do DRINK AND DRIVE. Because I received all my tickets when driving sober and I have never had any problems when driving after a heavy drink.
If you are laughing now, don’t choke yourself and make sure to keep your phone handy with a 911 speed-dial.
Hammer Head Shark (drunk but still can type)
September 1st, 2012 1:33 am
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