川：
MAGA Trump speaking.
習：
總統先生，
打擾了。
川：
Always good to hear from you.
You're a unique leader —
the only military commander
in China right now. Congrats!
習：
定於一尊，
定於一統。
不尊不統，
如何一中？
如何忠一？
川：
Wow. Classical Chinese again.
So what's up?
習：
WhatsApp？
中國不許的。
川：
Something got lost in translation.
Never mind.
Is this about Iran?
習：
對。波斯灣局勢緊張。
川：
No sweat.
Just a denuclearization drama.
Let Netflix envy me.
習：
去伊朗之核，
斷我之油供？
知否知否——
芯片島可斷電，可斷援？
川：
“Chip Island”?
You mean Taiwan.
So you're flexing something.
That's dramatic, big guy.
Netflix will love it.
習：
中國有愛奇藝。
認真的，
若波斯灣失衡，
台海勢必風高浪急。
君宜三思！
川：
You're thinking three moves ahead.
I respect that.
Taiwan is already an aircraft carrier
that stabilizes the Strait.
Status quo isn't so bad.
Let's wave the big waves off.
習：
中國習慣自行布局。
看香港。
川：
Hong Kong.
That reminds me of
Jimmy Lai.
習：
那個反中亂港的英籍奴才。
英國首相為他求情。
我呸。
川：
Easy, my friend.
We've got Trump Gold Cards.
Let Jimmy buy one.
But I digress.
習：
總統先生似乎什麽都能買賣，
不然就拿。
委內瑞拉、波斯灣、格陵蘭……
台海呢？
川：
Well, maybe you should take
Russia and Canada.
Kidding.
Don't even think about it.
習：
中國不搞霸權。
川：
Hope so.
But hope isn't policy.
Relax.
Even if I win big
in the Persian Gulf,
you'll remain in the game.
We're buddies.
習：
國際事務
不是比賽。
川：
Everything's competition.
You just don't call it that.
習：
若伊朗成功去核，
中國支持地區穩定。
川：
Good.
Constructive.
習：
但“穩定”
不能等於
單邊控製。
川：
You think I want control?
習：
任何大國
都有擴張衝動。
川：
China included?
Listen — I want deals.
MAGA deals.
Ask Giorgia Meloni.
Ask Sanae Takaichi.
They understand.
Do you?
習：
那個扣留中國漁船的日本婆娘？
記住，親日者不會有好下場的。
川：
No comment.
習：
若伊朗站不住，
你真以為
“一帶一路”
會退場？
川：
Truth hurts.
Your Belt and Road influence
will shrink if
your Gulf leverage shrinks.
習：
一帶一路不是
圍繞波斯灣單點設計的。
川：
News to me.
So why are you calling, really?
習：
兩點。
第一，若美國完成去核，
中國不會公開質疑。
第二，後續秩序
需要多方參與。
川：
You want a seat at the table.
習：
泱泱大國，
豈可置身事外？
天下安危，
大丈夫可不肩負？
川：
Depends how “responsible”
you are in the Taiwan Strait.
習：
台灣是中國的一部分。
川：
I signed the Taiwan Assurance Implementation Act of 2025.
Keep that in mind.
（中方沉默數分鍾。）
習：
中美存在競爭。
但失控的衝突
不符合雙方利益。
川：
Speaking of which —
maybe you prefer
a prolonged Gulf crisis.
I'll disappoint you, frankly.
習：
回說台海。
你熱捧的那個日本婆娘
一心要複辟軍國主義。
川：
Japan is my customer.
Please show some respect.
I thought you were a gentleman.
Have a peaceful Year of the Horse!
By the way, I like your
remote-controlled kungfu robots.
習：
……聽不清楚。
（通話結束。）
