A few weeks ago, after doing some extensive research about the career options, I narrowed my choices down to two: mental health counselor or school counselor.
I couldn't decide. I kept thinking how wonderful our family life would be if I could have 3 months off each summer. But on the other hand, I had a strong intuition that mental health counselor would be more suitable for me.
My hu*****and said:"Don't base your decision on the hours or summer schedules. Those are nice to have, but for something like this, you have to do what you believe is right."
I said:"But I feel so guilty, so insecure, I'm afraid that, if I take this huge risk and fail, you guys will be paying the price. I can't live with that." I couldn't go on, I felt like crying....
He held me in his arms and said:"It's ok to feel that way. I'd be concerned if you don't have any fear at all, like last year."
He went on:"Let's get real. You're trading a full time job to a full time school, your time with kids will be about the same. And if you sometimes have to work in the evening or the weekends, I'll be there for them and I can do everything even cooking, because they like simple stuff.
We've been working for 12 years, and saved for our retirement every year, skipping a few years is not a big deal.
I have a job that pays the bills, we will have less, but we'll always have a roof above our head and food on the table. No matter how the economy goes I'm confident that I can provide that, because I'm good at what I do. In fact I only do what I like to do, even though my interest and skills are not always aligned with where the $ is. You used to be so mad at me for that, because I refused to 'get out of my comfort zone', but I stuck to that, I wanted to be true to myself. That's exactly what gives me confidence now.
If for some reason I can't work anymore, we're covered with long term disability insurance that pays 100% of my salary.
If something happens to me, that's what life insurance is for.
I know that I didn't give my 100%, I was a bit lazy, I like to play computer games, I never had the drive that you have. Because I didn't see the point of working that hard. But now, for you and for the kids, you bet I will. Having a family with you, supporting your dreams, enjoying small pleasures in life, that's how I define my success.
So sweetheart, don't worry. Go for it."
It brought tears in my eyes, tears of gratitude and joy. I couldn't stop crying.
For so many years, I used to treat him like how my dad treated me.
I called him names, I hated his "laziness", I was frustrated that he was "wasting" his talent, I wish I could drill some "ambition" in his head, I even secretly questioned my choice of marrying him, all because of my own insecurity and stupidity.
Now, when I'm facing the biggest challenge in my life, I'm completely humbled by his love, his wisdom, his courage.
My dear friends, why am I sharing this intimate conversation with you?
Because no matter how certain you are right now about the definition of success that your loved one "should have", I beg you to keep your mind open, that one day in life, you might have to accept their own definition of success, and you might even accept it with such gratitude and humility, that you wish you had known it in all those years.
So here is my decision: I'll become a mental health counselor, I'm on my way. Wish me luck.
With all my love,
驗冰
