那首英文詩還是處在用英文翻譯作者的中文思維的階段，直接寫出中文來反而更好。如果寫英文的話，可以嚐試非母族語英文詩作第二階段，就是試著把詩句中的語序詞序稍微掉換一下，不必刪減，隻是換序，這個時候語法靠邊站，而念出來琅琅上口則更要緊。詩需要韻，意境則靠人聯想。
in the moonlight I kiss you Once，
The rain starts to fall, bringing a soul the grass,
So that your mind and heart it can sense。
Bringing the wind a body like yours,
So that it can rest。
wandering is All, bright is all，
And clear, even people in the dark，
shining Even the finished stones。
In the rain, which won't stop until
of music You open your thoughts
passing through Your brilliant sounds
An oak tree, as old as it can be,
As old as the stars can be,
to share our dreams Standing still,
To share our dreams with the night crystal,
Under the sky eternal.
第三階段，就是遣詞造句。在維持韻律的基礎上，讓句子更有意境和想象的空間。訓練有素的詩人可能直接就出這段活兒了。該刪該剩的都去掉它，多用比喻詞轉義詞還有詞性活用，尤其是名詞的活用，如名詞動用和形容用。
in the moonlight a kiss to you，
on the grass a raindrop of soul,
your mind and heart it may feel.
brings the wind a body like yours,
may it rest a moment of peace.
wander is all, bright is all，
clear are people altho' in the shadow，
shining are rocks altho' of raw。
in the rain that never stops,
of music opens your thoughts
letting flow your brilliant sounds
an oak and the stars as old as can be,
share our dreams standing still,
with a night of crystal,
under the sky eternal.
