1 最實在的感恩
A teacher gave her students of second grade to write an assignment on ‘What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving?’ She couldn't agree enough with one of the wisest students in her class who wrote that she was thankful that she was ‘not’ a turkey.
一個老師讓二年級學生寫一個作業，標題是“感恩節我為什麽而感恩?”當她看到班裏最聰明的一個學生寫的作業，她簡直不能更讚同了，這個學生在作業中寫道，她感恩的是她“不是”火雞。
2 好消息和壞消息
The concerned father was puzzled because his son's grades had been dropping steadily while he was at college, so he called the dean to find out what was wrong. "Well, sir," replied the dean, who always tried to be diplomatic, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that your son's become the most flagrant homosexual on campus, and spends all his time chasing after the lads on the football and basketball teams. "
"My God, that's horrible!"
"But the good news is he's just been elected Queen of the Homecoming Parade ! "
一位關心兒子的老爸對於念大學的兒子成績每況愈下一直想不懂，因此他拜訪了學院的院長，想了解究竟問題在哪裏。說話總是講求圓滑的院長回答說：“先生，我有好消息和壞消息要告訴你。壞消息是令郎乃是聞名校內的同性戀者，他成天隻知道追求足球隊和籃球隊的男孩子。”
“我的老天爺，太可怕了!”
“但好消息是他剛被選為歡迎球隊返校遊行的皇後!”
3 專注打球
Mrs. Fortescue was getting more and more worried. Her husband had left for a round of golf early in the morning and by mid-afternoon he still wasn't home. Evening came and Grotesque still hadn't returned. The lady was just about to call the police when she heard her husband's car pulling into the drive way.
Rushing outside, she told her husband, "Darling, I was so worried about you. What kept you?"
"Charlie had a heart attack on the fourth hole."
"Oh, my goodness, that's terrible!"
"You're telling me! All day long it was shoot the ball, drag Charlie, shoot the ball, drag Charlie . . . . "
福蒂斯丘太太越來越擔心，因為她先生一早出去打高爾夫球，到下午三四點都還沒回家，甚至到傍晚也還不見人影。福蒂斯丘太太正要打電話報警就聽到她先生開車回來了。
她衝出門外，向她先生說道：“親愛的，我一整天都在擔心你，是什麽事把你耽擱了? ”
“查理在第四洞時心髒病發作。”
“喔，天哪，真可怕!”
“那還用你說嗎! 一整天我都一邊打球，一邊拉查理，一會兒打球，一會兒拖查理，……”
4 哲學
Why worry?
Really, you have only two things. To worry about either you are sick or you are well.
If you are well, you have nothing to worry about, and if you are sick, you have only two things to worry about either you get well or you die.
If you get well, you have nothing to worry about, and if you die, you have only two things to worry about either you go to heaven or you go to hell.
If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about, and if you go to hell. You'll be so busy shaking hands with old friends, you won't have time to worry!
何必憂慮呢?
真的，你隻有兩件事要擔心，你不是會生病就是身體健康。
如果你身體健康，那麽就沒什麽好擔心的。如果生病的話，隻要擔憂兩件事，你不是康複就是死亡。
如果你康複的話，什麽也不必擔心。如果不幸死亡的話，你隻要擔心兩件事，你不是上天堂就是下地獄。
如果上天堂，什麽也不需要你擔憂。要是下地獄的話，你會忙著和老朋友握手寒暄，連擔憂事情的時間都沒有!
5 餘生都要吃這些藥片
A man was sitting in a bar with tears streaming down his face. A friend walked in and asked why he was so unhappy. The weeping one said, the doctor has just told me I'll have to take these tablets for the rest of my life.
Cheerfully, his friend pointed out that many people have to take tablets every day of their life. Sure, came the reply, but he only gave me ten.
一個男人坐在酒吧裏痛哭流淚。一個朋友走進來問他為何如此傷心。那人哭著說：剛才醫生告訴我，在我的餘生裏都要吃這些藥片。
他的朋友很輕鬆地指出，許多人一輩子每天都要吃藥。當然，男人回答說：但是他隻給了我十片。
6 你叫什麽名字?
A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train. He had never seen them before, so he began: “My name is Stone, and I'm even harder than stone, so do what I tell you or there'll be trouble. Don't try any tricks with me, and then we'll get on well together. ”
Then he went to each soldier one after another and asked him his name. “Speak loudly so that everyone can hear you clearly, he said, and don't forget to call me 'sir'.”
Each soldier told him his name, until he came to the last one. This man remained silent, and so Captain Stone shouted at him, “When I ask you a question, answer it! I'll ask you again: What's your name, soldier?”
The soldier was very unhappy, but at last he replied. “My name is Stonebreaker, sir.” He said nervously.
有一位很嚴厲的軍官在對一群交由他訓練的新兵訓話。他以前從沒見過這群新兵，於是他開始自我介紹：“我的名字叫石頭，事實上，我甚至比石頭更強硬。這就是我為什麽要告訴你們我名字的原因。不要試圖對我玩什麽花招，這樣我們就能很好相處了。”
接著他開始走到每個士兵前麵問他們的名字。“說大聲點，讓每個人都能聽清楚。另外，不要忘記稱呼我為長官。”他說。
每個士兵都對他說了自已的名字。他走到最後一位士兵麵前時，這個士兵保持著沉默。於是石頭隊長對他喊叫，“當我問你問題的時候，要回答!我再問一遍，你的名字，士兵?”
那個新兵很不高興，但最後他回答了。“我的名字是碎石機，長官。”他緊張地說。
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