大師非大詞也：評陸穀孫先生的一封推薦信
讀到複旦外語發出的《看陸穀孫先生如何為學生寫英文推薦信，這應該是最標準的模板》一文，很多地方我感覺詫異。和眾多錯誤百出的推薦信相比，這信寫得還算可以。作為“標準模板”則會誤導學習者。我是陸老字典的用戶之一，對他十分尊重和敬佩。隻不過從寫作上看，此信可疑處甚多，故作一學術商榷，也歡迎老師朋友們賜教。
像推薦信這種應用寫作，不僅要考慮語法、修辭、風格，還要有對受眾文化的深切了解，以及此種文化之下溝通的常識。對這一切，沒有人什麽都知道，否則真成仙了。陸老的專長是辭典編撰，在寫作上則有閉門造車之嫌。漢學家寫漢語也是一回事。這不能怪陸老，或是這些漢學家。編字典、翻譯、教學和實際寫作，相互關聯但也各有專攻。應用寫作上可師從的對象，未必是國內英文係的某大咖牛人，這未必是其長項，將其毫無原則地捧起來，未必是老先生原意。閱讀以英語為母語的人寫的東西，並去模仿，這才是正道。
下麵的點評，有些也是我自己在過去某個時候，從老師、編輯、同事處得來的反饋，算是久病成醫。不如借此點評的實例，將經驗教訓傳給讀者。對於推薦信，如用英文寫，給外國人看，華麗詞藻和複雜句式多為忌諱。作者盡量要用簡單語言，準確表達思想。用大詞不是為了炫耀，而是某個概念非用這個詞才能精準表達。大師非用大詞也。大詞無大用，則虛張聲勢，大而無當。學校以英語為外語來教學，自然要求學生擴大詞匯量，學習不同句式。但學生出去後，或在實際語言環境之中，目標有所變化，表達甚於表現，若仍保持原來習慣，則預備好被人修理。
為便於閱讀，我將原文多截了幾段，並用不同顏色區分原文和點評。點評多屬個人風格取舍，未必是對正誤的判斷。
17 August 2010
To Whom It May Concern
It is my privileged pleasure [1] to recommend, and that highly, [2] to you Professor Mountalk, whom I’ve known and worked with for over twenty-five years– first as his teacher and now as a close associate [3] at work at Fudan University, Shanghai, PR China.
[1] privileged pleasure, 語法上沒錯，但聽來別扭。Privilege和pleasure不分彼此並用，更為有力：It is my privilege and pleasure to...
[2] that具體所指不明。這裏說highly recommend 即可。
[3] Associate多用於企事業，指同事或合作夥伴，高校中同事一詞多用colleague。
Mountalk thrust himself under my notice [4] when he first enrolled at the undergraduate program of this university as an applicant with by far the greatest[5] score in a keenly [6] competitive entrance examination. I began to scrutinize [7] him as he proceeded to [8] the fourth year when I actually taught him.
[4] thrust himself under my notice這個說法比較生硬，有居高臨下之嫌，與前文privileged pleasure表現出的謙恭姿態“打架”。
[5] greatest score搭配不太合適，可用highest score, top score, 或best score.
[6] 形容競爭，用keenly不是最貼切，可換為fiercely.
[7] scrutinize 給人的印象是對方有錯，需像放在顯微鏡下那樣細細觀察。改為pay attention, 或者將began to scrutinize 改為developed a close relationship with...
[8] 如果說as he proceeded to…給人印象是從三年級過渡到四年級，還沒有正式在四年級，那說明陸先生還沒有教他，談何詳細了解？更好的說法是during the fourth year…也不要說actually, 這麽說，潛台詞是先前我對他的了解，不過是道聽途說。
Then, from 1990 to 1992 and from 1995 to 2001respectively, he worked toward his MA and then PhD degrees under my supervision. For him it was a long [9] odyssey of learning and discovery; for me it was a gratifying process to watch a young talent blossoming. Mr Mountalk has set himself apart from and way ahead of his peers[10] (whom I also taught) with a quiet superb intelligence[11] , a never failing interest[12] in probing into a foreign culture with Chinese culture as a frame of reference, perseverance in his academic agendas through hardworking [13] -- and with, above all, accruing credits in academia without intentionally or painstakingly seeking after them[14] .
[9] odyssey已有旅途漫長的意思，以long修飾多此一舉。
[10] ...set himself apart from and way ahead of his peers 並排使用較為囉嗦，可用distinguish himself among his peers或rose to the top of his cohort等。
[11] 搭配新奇，但superb多餘。
[12] 興趣用never failing來修飾不妥。這不是語法的問題，而是它所指的alternative是什麽？興趣會fail嗎？興趣的維係，多以時間長短丈量。
[13] ... through hard work更好，有現成名詞，就不要用動名詞湊合。
[14] 這句讚揚申請人漫不經心，不費吹灰之力即在學術上攻城掠地。申請人或許已有不少成就，陸老推薦為錦上添花。若申請者是新人，推薦人這麽去說，會讓審閱者懷疑申請人對學術並無追求。學術之路越走路越窄，用心不一定有成果，漫不經心一定沒有成果。讚揚對方後天奮發努力，比讚揚其先天資質更有價值。
It seems [15] he tackles [16] a wide spectrum from Shakespeare to Oscar Wilde and then to new literary phenomena [17] such as Nobel laureates in literature over recent years not as a pressure of work but as a labor of love with the pleasure of a duck taking to water. He has published many different titles besides translating, editing, and last but not least, writing creatively as a professional writer on contract.[18]
[15] It seems在推薦信中不必要。知道就知道，不知道就不知道，依據猜測的推薦缺乏力度。
[16] 不大理解為什麽用tackle與spectrum搭配，說cover a wide spectrum更合理：his interests cover a wide spectrum.
[17] phenomena後的舉例為Nobel Laureates，是人，而非前麵說的現象。或許在中國諾獎得獎人是現象，但在英文語境中人還是人，竊以為這裏搭配不當。不如直接說... then to works by recent Nobel laureates.
[18] 這句話意思含糊。He has published many different titles如果翻譯、編輯不算，這些titles是指什麽title呢？如指原創作品，後麵 besides translating, editing, and last but not least, writing creatively 如何解釋？as a professional writer on contract我知道可能是指約稿作者，但是professional writer on contract讓人摸不著頭腦。是指staff writer嗎？那麽如何解釋申請人的教師工作？ 可能改成columnist, contract writer, part-time writer或者stringer更合理一些, 或者說：He has written, translated, and edited xxx (數量） books and he is frequently asked to contribute to journals, magazines and newspapers.
I have looked at [19] his proposal for his Fulbright nomination and am firm in my belief [20] that Shakespeare’s sonnets[21] is a manageable and worthwhile subject for him. For one thing, Mr Mountalk has done his homework -- enough and to spare --for the topic. Secondly, with the multifarious qualities I described above I think I can vouchsafe[22] for his sustained interest and concentration.
[19] looked at 會給人隻草草看過看過的印象，改成reviewed更好。後麵的proposal for his Fulbright nomination 可改為his Fulbright proposal.
[20] I firmly believe更簡潔。
[21] 所指不夠精細，研究十四行詩？翻譯十四行詩？十四行詩哪方麵研究？
[22] Webster字典這樣解釋vouchsafe: "to grant or furnish, often in a gracious or condescending manner". 有俯視、恩賜的感覺，在推薦信中使用不大妥當，再說一個人的興趣，外人無從擔保。更合理的說法是據以往觀察來判斷，他會在這方麵保持興趣. Based on my past observations, I am confident that his interest is firm. showedme that he will sustain his interest...
He is purposeful, for instance, in completing surveying the Shakespearelandscape [23] in the United States by complementing, say[24] , Steve Greenblatt of Harvard with Harold Bloom at Yale. Thirdly, as a surviving Shakespeare instructor[25] , I am too old to expose myself to [26] rigorous training abroad. Mr Mountalk, if and when he accomplishes this new Fulbright missive[27] , will surely be able to flesh out the Shakespeare syllabus [28] at this university and revive student interest in the Bard.
[23] landscape of Shakespeare studies?
[24] Say這裏比較口語化，用For example/instance 更正式。
[25] 這是什麽意思，別的莎士比亞研究者都死了嗎？
[26] …expose myself to 僅是接觸而已，可能作者是指接受長期的、嚴格的訓練。更好的說法，是go through rigorous academic training.
[27] 疑為mission之誤。
[28] Syllabus在美國僅為具體某門課的教學大綱，這裏懷疑作者指的是enrich our Shakespeare Study Curriculum.不過中國一個大學有完整的莎士比亞研究課程，有些讓人難以置信。如果僅指開設莎士比亞課程, develop more courses to enrich Shakespeare research in our university (or in China)更可信。
One point, though.[29] I hope Mr Mountalk will also throw in the relationship [30] between Shakespeare’s sonnets and new findings about his bio-data [31] in his proposal. I’m discussing the point with him separately.
Thank you very much for considering this letter of recommendation[32] .
[29] 口語化，不太正式。
[30] 說法比較奇怪，不能說錯誤，至少過於口語化。
[31] Findings…about data搭配不當，隻用其一即可：“…and new biographical findings”. 整句話可以改為：Ihope Mr. Mountalk will also research how new biographical findings may shape future studies about Shakespeare’s sonnets.
[32] This letter of多餘，可改為for considering my recommendation.
Signed:
Lu, the Senior Immortal [32]
Distinguished Professor of Fudan University &
Senior Fulbright Scholar, 1984-85, UC Berkeley
[32] 中文世界的綽號"老神仙”，除非對方熟知陸老先生，知道他這個綽號，否則用於推薦信，對方會非常納悶。自稱神仙，在中文語境中或許別有生趣，但很多文化中都反對人而神化的偶像崇拜。
如果陸老的文字都能找出這麽多遺憾，倘若日後的外文教材以本土自編為主，可信度就更成問題了。
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