盧岩回憶錄
本人的回憶錄，宗教文化
目錄 Catalog：14.13 理想的性交次數 The ideal number of sexual intercourses；14.14 謀反 Plotting a Rebellion；14.15 輪回轉世 Cycling Rebirth
14.13 理想的性交次數 Ideal Number of Sexual Intercourses
一天塵香去到縣城裏的一家妓院，對老板娘說：“我願意花費十兩銀子請你回答一個問題。我可以先付錢，你七天之後給我答案。”
老板娘回答：“當然可以！什麽問題？”
塵香說：“女人每晚的理想性交次數？”
One day Dust-scent went to a brothel in the county town and said to the proprietress: "I am willing to spend ten taels of silver to ask you to answer a question. I can pay first, and you can give me the answer in seven days."
The proprietress replied: "Of course! What question?"
Dust-scent said: "What is the ideal number of sexual intercourses per night for a woman?"
老板娘思考了一會兒後，回答：“你要我給你一個對得起良心的答案。你看我這麽辦怎麽樣？我自己找30位我信任的妓女，鄭重地問她們這個問題。然後我讓賬房先生記下來她們說的話，整理成一段文字，結尾再給你個匯總表。你看怎麽樣？”
塵香回答：“我覺著你的主意挺好。七天後，我來你這裏取答案。”
七天後，塵香再次來到了這個妓院。老板娘交給他兩頁紙。塵香看後，要來了毛筆，塗抹掉了全部的名字，沒說話。
The proprietress thought for a while and replied, "You want me to give you an answer that is true to my conscience. How about this? I will find 30 prostitutes I trust and ask them this question seriously. Then I will ask the accountant to write down what they say, organize it into a text, and give you a summary table at the end. What do you think?"
Dust-scent replied: "I think your idea is good. I will come to you in seven days to get the answer."
Seven days later, Dust-scent came to the brothel again. The proprietress handed him two pages of paper. After reading them, Dust-scent asked for a brush and erased all the names without saying anything.
塵香拿著這兩頁紙，來到了縣城另一端的一個妓院。他對老板娘述說了前文的事，並給她看那兩頁紙。
老板娘回答：“我會去你說的那個妓院詢問。如果這是事實，你給我10兩銀子，我親自找幾個我信任的人，調查60位妓女。您看怎麽樣？”
塵香給了這位老板娘十兩銀子後說：“15天後，我來取您的調查報告。”
Dust-scent took the two pages of paper and went to a brothel at the other end of the county. He told the proprietress what happened above and showed her the two pages of paper.
The proprietress replied: "I will go to the brothel you mentioned to ask. If this is true, you give me 10 taels of silver, and I will personally find a few people I trust to investigate 60 prostitutes. What do you think?"
Dust-scent gave the proprietress 10 taels of silver and said: "I will come to get your investigation report in 15 days."
十五天後，塵香拿著前兩份調查報告和十兩銀子來找一個距離前兩家妓院遠的妓院，向老板娘給出了招標的請求。老板娘看了前兩份調查報告後說：“我會去核實。如果你說的都是事實。你給我十兩銀子，我去旁邊黑山縣的南門附近，詢問90位妓女。我和那裏的三個妓院老板是朋友。”
塵香回答：“這十兩銀子是你的了。一個月後，我來取回這兩份和你的調查報告。”
Fifteen days later, Dust-scent took the first two investigation reports and ten taels of silver to a brothel far from the first two brothels and asked the proprietress for a bid. After reading the first two investigation reports, the proprietress said, "I will verify it. If what you said is true, you give me ten taels of silver, and I will go to the South Gate of Heishan County nearby and ask 90 prostitutes. I am friends with the three brothel owners there."
Dust-scent replied, "The ten taels of silver are yours. I will come back to take back the two reports and your investigation reports in a month."
一個月後，塵香來取調查報告，看見報告的最後一頁有個總結，“女人每晚的理想性交次數？很少；7天3次；1天3次；7；20；50；100；200；300；500；700。” 塵香問這位老板娘：“這個總結是什麽意思？”
A month later, Dust-scent came to pick up the survey report and saw a summary on the last page of the report: "What is the ideal number of sexual intercourses for women per night? Very few; 3 times in 7 days; 3 times in 1 day; 7; 20; 50; 100; 200; 300; 500; 700." Dust-scent asked the proprietress: "What does this summary mean?"
老板娘回答：“我去到黑山縣南城門後，就把這個調查任務分包給了我的三個妓院老板朋友。調查結果匯總上來後，我們幾位老朋友討論了很長時間。這個答案是我一位朋友的朋友，XXX，給出的。她說，‘以前有人研究過這個問題，得出了這樣的答案。’ 我們討論的結果是這個答案最好。答案是把女人分成了三類：性欲弱的女人，多數的女人，和性欲強的女人。性欲弱的女人認為理想性交次數可能是7天1次，30天2次，甚至更少。大多數女人的理想性交次數是7天3次，至於1天3次。一夜七次郎，隻是個說法，隻有少數女人希望嚐試那種感覺。性欲強的女人有願意每夜與20至50人性交的，但是這種就很少了。以至於有女人的性欲很強烈，願意與700人性交。這種女人很罕見，但確實有那種女人。”
The proprietress replied: "After I arrived at the South Gate of Heishan County, I subcontracted this survey task to my three brothel owner friends. After summarizing the survey results, we old friends discussed for a long time. This answer was given by a friend of my friend, XXX. She said, 'Someone has studied this issue before and got this answer.' The result of our discussion is that this answer is the best. The answer is to divide women into three categories: women with weak sexual desire, most women, and women with strong sexual desire. Women with weak sexual desire think that the ideal number of sexual intercourses may be once every 7 days, twice every 30 days, or even less. The ideal number of sexual intercourses for most women is 3 times in 7 days, as for 3 times in 1 day. Seven times a night is just a saying, and only a few women want to try that feeling. Women with strong sexual desire are willing to have sex with 20 to 50 people every night, but this is rare. There are even women with strong sexual desire who are willing to have sex with 700 people. Such women are rare, but they do exist."
14.14 謀反 Plotting a Rebellion
經過一年多的緊張施工，行宮的整修工程終於竣工了。在逐步接收竣工驗收的過程中，塵香和塵凡故意先驗收通風係統的進氣口，雷峰塔的抽氣能力，和天花板工程項目，以便於這哥倆在夜間改裝爬進行宮的閥門等裝置。竣工驗收完畢後，塵香和塵凡還推遲了兩天交鑰匙，對他們倆安裝的更改過的閥門進行最後的測試。
After more than a year of intense construction, the renovation of Migration Palace was finally completed. In the process of gradually accepting the final inspection, Dust-scent and Dust-mortal deliberately inspected the air intakes of the ventilation system, the air extraction capacity of Leifeng Pagoda, and the ceiling projects first, so that the two brothers could modify the valves and other devices to climb into the palace at night. After the final inspection, the brothers postponed the handover of keys for two days to conduct the final test of the modified valves they installed.
不久後，順皇就再一次來這個行宮了。和以前一樣。塵香和塵凡跟著順皇走親戚，過斷橋。沒事時，這哥倆站在自家房子旁邊的樹上向行宮院子裏麵看。他倆幾次看見一隊重騎兵穿著全身的鎧甲和防護麵罩，跑進和跑出行宮東部的房間（注1）。
Soon after, Emperor Shun came to the palace again. Just like before. Dust-scent and Dust-mortal followed Emperor Shun to visit relatives and cross the Broken Bridge. When they were free, the two brothers stood on the tree next to their house and investigated the palace yard. Several times they saw a group of heavy cavalries wearing full body armor and protective masks running in and out of the rooms in the east of the palace (note 1).
注14.14-1，那些出入行宮的重騎兵是國家安全局的警察，包括女嬰，大禹，和其他幾對兒金童和玉女。如前文蟠桃博覽會所說，女媧造人時，造出了多對兒金童和玉女。
Note 14.14-1, those heavy cavalries who enter and leave the Migration Palace are police of the National Security Bureau, including Heroine, Big Yu, and several other pairs of golden boys and jade girls. As mentioned in the previous section on Pan Peach Expo, when Nüwa created humanity, she created multiple pairs of golden boys and jade girls.
2.
一天晚上，這兄弟倆就爬到了順皇寢宮的天花板上麵，看見從全國各地來的將軍向她匯報。還有監視大禹的人向順皇述說各種各樣詆毀大禹的消息。隨後，一個漢進來告訴順皇：“漢來伺候你了！” 寢宮裏就進來了各種各樣的漢和軍官。在前麵的人和順皇性交的同時，後麵的人排著隊地脫衣服。他們的性交像似表演一樣。性交一段時間後，還有個中間休息，去洗澡。順皇再次回來時就不出聲了，全場靜音。然後就是一場接著一場的性交表演。
One night, the two brothers climbed onto the ceiling of Emperor Shun's bedroom and saw generals from all over the country reporting to him. There were also people who were monitoring Big Yu telling Emperor Shun all kinds of slanderous news about Big Yu. Then, a Han came in and told Emperor Shun: "Han is here to serve you!" Various Han and military officers came into the bedroom. While the person in front was having sex with Emperor Shun, the people behind were lining up to take off their clothes. Their sex was like a performance. After having sex for a while, there was a break to take a shower. When Emperor Shun came back again, she was silent, and the whole place was silent. Then there was one sex show after another.
這哥倆來到了接待室的天花板上，看見排隊的漢在討論問題，有的在討論象形文字。他們也嘮嗑，說大禹又被軟禁在了YYY；這次他再也別想被放出來了。一個漢對新來的漢說：“大禹是個書呆子，什麽都不懂，連做愛都不會。以前有一段時間，順皇讓他每晚坐在旁邊看著，我們就排著隊地去和順皇做愛。有時順皇還問他看見了多少種做愛的姿勢。”
The two brothers came to the ceiling of the reception room and saw the men in line discussing issues, some of them discussing hieroglyphics. They also chatted, saying that Big Yu is under house arrest in YYY again; this time he would never be released again. One Han said to the new Han: "Big Yu is a nerd, he knows nothing, not even how to make love. There was a time before when Emperor Shun asked him to sit by and watch every night, and we lined up to make love with Emperor Shun. Sometimes Emperor Shun even asked him how many kinds of sex positions he had seen."
注14.14-2，烏龜和大茶壺（如圖14.14-1至4）是妓院男傭的別名。中華文化和墨西哥文化中，妻子和別人發生性行為被認為是給丈夫帶綠帽子，讓丈夫當烏龜和大茶壺。圖14.14-1的烏龜代表大禹；他馱著的是玉皇大帝的無字墓碑。圖2中坐在獅子上的是特拉洛克，他的脖子上掛著他的妻子翠玉女（墨西哥的開國皇帝，參見14.4節）授予他的金龜婿獎牌。圖4中的大茶壺表示他是特拉洛克，即墨西哥。
Note 14.14-2: Turtles and teapots (as shown in Figures 14.14-1 to 4) are slang terms for male prostitutes in brothels. In both Chinese and Mexican cultures, a wife engaging in sexual relations with another man is considered to make her husband wear green hats, turning him into a turtle or a teapot. The turtle in Figure 14.14-1 represents Big Yu; he carries the wordless tombstone of Turquoise White-king Great Creator. In Figure 2, the figure seated on the lion is Tlaloc, wearing around his neck the “Golden Turtle Son-in-Law” medal bestowed by his wife, Chalchiuhtlicue (Mexico's founding emperor, see section 14.4). The large teapot in Figure 4 signifies that he is Tlaloc, Mexico.
3.
塵香和塵凡回到家後，哭到了天亮：大禹叔叔就是個普通農民出身，這個世界上如果咱哥倆不幫他，沒有別人會幫他。
幾天後，這哥倆想出了個營救大禹的辦法。我們倆要成為將軍，去剿匪。成功之後，我倆進行一次有限度的叛亂，要求順皇派大禹來和我們談判。這樣，大禹就被釋放出來了。如果成功了，我們倆有兵權，可以製約順皇，使她對大禹友好些，多些親情。
After returning home, Dust-scent and Dust-mortal cried until dawn: Uncle Big Yu was born an ordinary farmer. If we brothers don't help him, no one else in the world will help him.
A few days later, the two brothers came up with a way to rescue Big Yu. We will become generals and go to suppress the bandits. After success, we will launch a limited rebellion and ask Emperor Shun to send Big Yu to negotiate with us. In this way, uncle Big Yu will be released. If successful, we will have military power and can restrain Emperor Shun, making her more friendly and affectionate to uncle Big Yu.
於是，這哥兒倆就開始為實施他們倆的叛亂計劃做準備了。白天，他們倆用心和軍營裏的將軍們研究武藝，晚上輪班去行宮偷窺，收集情報。
So, the two brothers began to prepare for the implementation of their rebellion plan. During the day, they studied martial arts with the generals in the barracks and took turns to spy on the palace at night to collect intelligence.
14.15 輪回轉世 Cycling Rebirth
在送順皇離開行宮後，塵凡對塵香叨咕：“折騰了一年多了，我也沒搞明白咱倆一年前觀察到的那組進入那女人寢宮的數據是怎麽回事！我懷疑那些性交演出是那個女人身邊的那些蒙著或青或黃或赤或白麵紗的女漢殃子們幹的；但我不明白那女人（即順皇）幹這事幹嘛！？”
After escorting Emperor Shun away from the Migration Palace, Dust-mortal muttered to Dust-scent: "After over a year of this, I still haven't figured out what that set of data we observed a year ago—the one about entering that woman's bedchamber—actually meant! I suspect those sexual performances were staged by those veiled “female Han misfortune seedlings” with turquoise, yellow, red, white veils around that woman, but I don't understand why that woman (Emperor Shun) would do such affairs!"
沉香回答：“燒窯麽！我聽說她燒的漢窯實際是人的身體。你看這一年來她把咱哥兒倆燒的，我已經被她燒焦了！”說著，他拿出了前文他委托那三個妓院老板調查的報告（參見14.13 《理想的性交次數》）交給塵凡看。
Dust-scent replied: “Firing kilns! I heard that the Han kilns she fires are human bodies. Look at what she’s done to us brothers in the past year, I’m already burnt to a crisp!” As he spoke, he took out the report he had commissioned the three brothel owners to investigate (see 14.13 “Ideal Number of Sexual Intercourses”) and handed it to Dust-mortal to look at.
塵凡看後說：“哎！最後一頁有幾個人名你沒有抹掉！？”
塵香驚訝地回答：“啊！這幾個月忙，把這事忘了。我想去黑山縣城問問，這個結論是來自傳說，還是近些年真的有人研究過？”
塵凡回答：“我跟你一起去，我早就懷疑那些大的數字是那個女人在逗咱倆玩呢！”
After reading it, Dust-mortal said: "Hey! There are names on the last page that you didn't erase!?"
Dust-scent replied in surprise, "Ah! I've been busy these past few months and forgot about it. I want to go to Heishan County to ask, is this conclusion from a legend, or has anyone really studied it in recent years?"
Dust-mortal replied, "I'll go with you. I've long suspected that those big numbers are just a joke from that woman!"
2.
塵香和塵凡剛進黑山縣城的南門，就發現了三家妓院。他倆看見有幾個老女人正坐在一家妓院的二樓的陽台上嘮嗑呢，就過去詢問。三個妓院的老板核實了塵香和塵凡的身份後，說：“那個說這個結論的人和我們認識不是很久。XXX回家了。她家就在夾一溝鄉，水長流村。從縣城的東門出去，沿著驛道一直向東。你們騎馬去，兩個小時就到了。”
As soon as Dust-scent and Dust-mortal entered the south gate of Heishan County City, they found three brothels. They saw a few old women sitting on the balcony on the second floor of a brothel chatting, so they went over to ask. After verifying the identities of Dust-scent and Dust-mortal, the owners of the three brothels said: "The person who made this conclusion has not known us for a long time. She went home. Her home is in Jiayigou Township, Shuichangliu Village. Go out from the east gate of the county city and go east along the post road, you can arrive there on horseback in two hours."
塵香迷惑地問：“這個世界上有你們說的那個地方嗎？”
一個老板娘回答：“你去了就知道了；我們怎麽可能這麽騙官差呢！”
這哥倆確實很快就找到了 “夾一溝鄉，水常流村” ，但村裏人告訴他倆，那個女人，XXX，三年前就死了。
Dust-scent asked in confusion: "Is there such a place as you mentioned in this world?"
A proprietress replied: "You will know when you go there; how could we cheat the officials like this!"
The two brothers did quickly find the village of “Jieyigou Township, Shuichangliu Village”, but the village people told them that the woman, XXX, had died three years ago.
塵香和塵凡失望地向回家的方向走，來到一片樹林邊。忽然，路引騎著馬過來了。他們三人相互問候。路引說他要去 “夾一溝鄉，水常流村” 。當路引從他倆身邊過時，叨咕 ：“逗你玩兒呢！”
這哥倆愣住了，轉頭問。路引頭也不回地走遠了。
塵香和塵凡繼續向回家的方向行進。臨衝在前麵來了，問路引去哪裏了。
Disappointed, Dust-scent and Dust-mortal walked toward home and came to the edge of a wood. Suddenly, Path-Leader rode by. The three of them greeted each other. Path-Leader said that he was going to the “Jieyigou Township, Shuichangliu Village”. When Path-Leader passed by them, he muttered, “Just kidding you!”
The two brothers froze and turned their heads to ask. Path-Leader walked away without looking back.
Dust-scent and Dust-mortal continued to march in the direction of home. Before-Charging came up ahead and asked where Path-Leader had gone.
臨衝路過這哥倆身邊過時，大聲叨咕：“逗你玩兒呢！” 然後他也是策馬揚鞭而去。
塵香和塵凡繼續向回家的方向行進。忽然在前麵，他們法庫縣的縣長秘書來了，高喊：“逗你玩呢！”
As Before-Charging passed by these two brothers, he chattered loudly, “Just kidding you!” Then he too spurred his horse on.
Dust-scent and Dust-mortal continued traveling in the direction of home. Suddenly up ahead, the secretary of Faku County Prefect, Administrative, arrived, shouting, “Just kidding you!”
這哥倆和秘書交談了幾句後，秘書說他要去追路引和臨衝。當秘書從塵香和塵凡身邊走過時，也叨咕：“逗你玩呢！” 然後，他也不回頭地跑向了 “水常流村” 。
塵凡問塵香：“這是怎麽了，怎麽都來 ‘水常流’ 村了？”
After these two brothers talked to the secretary for a few moments, the secretary said that he was going after Path-Leader and Before-Charging. As the secretary walked past Dust-scent and Dust-mortal, he also chanted, “Just kidding you!” Then, without looking back, he also ran towards the “Shuichangliu village” (i.e., Water Constant Flows village).
Dust-mortal asked Dust-scent: “What's going on here, why are they all coming to Shuichangliu Village?”
塵香回答：“我也感覺時空錯亂了。咱倆也回 ‘水常流村’ 吧！我倆走驛道回黑山縣，然後住在黑山縣城。明天早上回去法庫縣政府看看。”
塵香同意了。
Dust-scent replied: “I feel like time and space are all messed up too. Let's head back to “Shuichangliu village”! We'll take the postal road back to Heishan County and stay in the county city tonight. Tomorrow morning, we'll go check on the Faku County government.”
Dust-mortal agreed.
3.
第二天上午10點鍾，塵香和塵凡匆忙地回到了女媧的故鄉，法庫縣。政府辦公廳的大堂裏擠滿了人，都不認識主事的官員。這哥倆排在了詢問的隊伍的後麵，想問問怎麽全縣的三十幾位官員全換成了新人？一位政府的官員再一次出來解釋：“這是新政策，各縣政府的官員輪流互換，以提高公務員的辦事能力。請各位放心，一切公務的辦理會在一兩天內恢複正常。”
At 10 o'clock the next morning, Dust-scent and Dust-mortal hurried back to Nuwa's hometown, Faku County. The lobby of the government office was crowded with people, and none of them knew the officials in charge. The two brothers stood at the back of the line to ask why more than 30 officials in the county were replaced by new people? A government official came out to explain: "This is a new policy. Officials from county governments are rotated to improve the ability of civil servants to handle affairs. Please be assured that the conduct of all official business will return to normal in a day or two."
這時，縣尉帶著幾個捕快進了大堂，說是剛才看見兩個1.8米多高的強壯年青人進了縣政府大院，他要找那倆人聊聊。塵香和塵凡聽見後就走過去了。
縣尉對這兄弟倆說：“兩個月後，武漢有將軍入學考試。如果你倆有興趣參加，可以到後院看看，做幾項素質測試。”
途中，這倆兄弟得知，縣尉是一位武術大師，是 “南鶴北橋” 的北橋： 橋峰。
At this time, the county lieutenant entered the lobby with a few constables, saying that he had just seen two strong young men over 1.8 meters tall enter the county government compound, and that he wanted to talk to those two men. Dust-scent and Dust-mortal heard this and went over.
The county lieutenant said to the brothers, "There is a general's entrance exam in Wuhan two months later. If you two are interested in taking it, you can take a look in the backyard and do a few quality tests."
On the way, the two brothers learned that the lieutenant was a martial arts master, the North Bridge of the “South Crane North Bridge”: Bridge-Peak.
4.
塵香和塵凡跟著橋峰來到了縣政府的校軍場，看見場地一邊放著兩排石鎖（如圖14.15-1，2，4）。橋峰指著圖1的石鎖說： “石鎖代表著裝 ‘天條’ 的手提箱（注即約櫃，佛教中稱作戒渡）。天條分為三類：18神佛不共法，女戒（即500威儀108000魅力），和男戒（即3000威儀84000細行，參見15.2節），分別由三棵斷頭樹（即棕櫚樹）表示，代表一切法。我們中華共和國的法庭，監獄，軍隊和警察都是法律的保護者，所以我們選將軍，就把舉石鎖作為第一項素質測試了。”
Dust-scent and Dust-mortal followed Bridge-Peak to the county government's school military field and saw two rows of stone locks placed on one side of the field (as shown in Figures 14.15-1, 2, and 4). Pointing to the stone locks in Figure 1, Bridge-Peak said: "The stone locks represent the suitcases that contain the ‘sky clauses’ (note, Covenant Ark, also known as the Precepts Ferry in Buddhism). The ‘sky clauses’ are divided into three categories: 18 God Buddha Uncommon Laws, Woman Precepts (i.e., 500 Majesties 108,000 Charms), and Man Precepts (i.e., 3,000 Majesties 84,000 Enchantments, cf. section 15.2), each represented by three guillotine trees (i.e., palms), which stand for all laws. Our courts, prisons, army and police in Republic China are all protectors of the laws, that's why we choose our generals by lifting stone locks as the first test of quality.”
橋峰繼續說：“這些石鎖共兩個重量級別：女鎖重62.5公斤；男鎖125公斤。也就是說我們國家的男將軍必須能夠單臂舉起125公斤，還要能扔出去。女將軍必須能夠單臂舉起62.5公斤，然後扔出去，或者能夠用雙臂舉起125公斤，然後扔出去。現在我來用女鎖做示範，你們認真看啊！考試的時候，動作不合乎身體的力學原理，會扣分的。”
Bridge-Peak continued, "These stone locks consist of two weight classes: woman locks weigh 62.5 kilograms; man locks 125 kilograms. This means that the male generals of our country must be able to lift 125 kilograms with one arm and be able to throw it. Female generals must be able to lift 62.5 kilograms with one arm and throw it or be able to lift 125 kilograms with both arms and throw it. Now I'm going to demonstrate with the female lock, so watch carefully! When you take the test, points will be deducted for movements that don't follow the mechanics of the body."
塵香和塵凡都通過了舉石鎖，摔跤，和騎射的測試，然後是兵器演練。喬峰讓這哥兒倆自己選武器，然後對打給他和捕快們看。塵凡選了把青龍偃月刀。塵香選了一根棍子，掄起右端就向塵凡頭頂砸過去了。塵凡舉刀相迎。塵香收回棍子的右端，棍子的左端就被推出去直刺塵凡的胸口。
橋峰叫停了他們倆，問：“你們是不是沒學過使用武器？”
這哥倆尷尬地回答：“沒係統地學過。”
Both Dust-scent and Dust-mortal passed the tests of lifting stone lock, wrestling, and mounted archery and then came the weapons drill. Bridge-Peak asked the two brothers to choose their own weapons and then fight against each other for him and the constables to see. Dust-mortal chose a “Turquoise Dragon Crescent Blade”. Dust-scent chose a stick and swung the right end of it towards Dust-mortal's head. Dust-mortal raised his sword to meet it. Dust-scent retracted the right end of the stick; the left end of the stick was pushed out to stab Dust-mortal's chest.
Bridge-Peak called them both to a halt and asked, “Is it true that you haven't learned to use weapons?”
The two brothers replied awkwardly, “Not systematically.”
