當代美國社會“牛郎織女”現狀一瞥 （圖s）

      據最近的時代雜誌報道，從2000年到 2005年，美國兩地分居的婚姻增加了百分之三十，高達三百六十萬。這個數字是根據遠程家庭關係研究中心的普查結果得出的。除了軍事部署，流動性的工作以及經濟需求以外，在今天的美國，婦女的職業需求往往是造成兩地分居的主要原因。

 　

      兩地分居徹底顛覆了傳統的婚姻觀念，但是研究人員開始認識到這並不必然地是一件壞事情。研究表明，兩地分居的夫妻並不比生活在一起的家庭離婚率高。根據 Rand Corp 去年發表的研究報告，軍人被部署在外的時間越長，他們婚姻鞏固的機會就越高，部分原因是因為軍人和他（她）們的配偶在分離期間會固守著他們之間那些被理想化了記憶。

      當然, 對於那些甚至連一夜分離都不能忍受的夫妻來說，兩地分居婚姻的優越性是不可思議的。但是對於像34歲的 Wendy Wu 這樣一些人來則說不是問題。作為一名為紐約 Proskauer Rose 工作的訴訟律師，Wu 於2006年四月份結婚。作為合夥人，她在工作上投入了大量的時間，但她並不因此感到對離開新婚的丈夫有愧。她的丈夫在三個時區之外的洛杉磯警察局工作，在她回到紐約期間，他則忙於他的鐵人三項訓練以及和他的朋友們在一起。Wu 說，“這也許並不適合於每一對夫婦，但對我們來說沒有問題。”

 

      雇用兩地分居夫婦的公司在這件事情上可謂受益匪淺。因為有婚姻的人被認為會比較穩定，尤其是在他們的配偶不在的情況下，他們與工作也結成了一種“婚姻關係”。Evergreen State College 的婚姻史學家 S. Coontz 認為，這代表了一種在對待婚姻角色問題上人人平等的全新態度。“婦女一旦結婚就會擱置事業的假設已經失效了。” Coontz 說，“大量的證據表明，這是曆史上第一次婚姻能夠在平等的基礎上被重新建構。”

 

      甚至有了孩子以後也不會必然地結束這種格局。這項研究包括了817，000 個因其它原因而不是婚姻不合造成的兩地分居家庭18歲以下的孩子。對這些兩地分居的夫婦來說，這是很令人頭疼的事情和充滿壓力的生活方式，對一方來說是一個人撫養孩子，而對另一方來說則是痛苦的孤獨和對其配偶的歉疚感。每逢星期一，當 Karen 離開她在 Plano, Texas 的家去機場時，J. Cangas 都要和他的妻子吻別。作為 Accenture 的谘詢專家，她要去外地客戶那兒工作，要到周四很晚才能回來。J. Cangas 是做安全軟件銷售的，他要先把7歲的 Caroline 送去學校，然後把3歲的 Mitchell 送去日托。他利用午餐時間去買日用品，然後在6點鍾接回兩個孩子。回家以後，孩子們通過網絡攝像機給媽媽送去飛吻。

 

      遠程婚姻可以持續地延續下去。Ohio State University 的人際溝通學教授 Laura Stafford 說，這部分是因為距離可以延緩關係的發展，延長蜜月期，並阻礙夫妻生活中那些不可避免的摩擦的發生。在浪漫關係剛剛開始的時候，“我們都會保持一定程度的印象管理。” “但在遠程關係中，你總是會保持‘化妝’狀態。不管發生了什麽事情，你都會竭力避免衝突。” 專家們認為，兩地分居婚姻最困難的時期往往是在雙方向往已久的永久性團聚之後。當 Joy 和 Tom 在分離了十年重新團聚之後，Joy 說他們至少需要六個月到一年的時間來調整適應，“因為我已經習慣了沒有他的生活。”

編自  Till Work Do Us Part by Lisa T. Cullen

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Bonus Video Clips

Making a Long Distance Relationship Work for Both of You

　

　

[edrifter]

回複Daisy2008的評論:

Thank you so much for another thoughtful input! You're absolutely right that it all boils down to the issue of priority - if someone perfers to put career over family, fine as long as there is no complaint; or vice versa. But, let's hope thing will work out, one way or other, for those long distance marriage families before it goes too far.

Thanks again!

[Daisy2008]

I agree totally that we should not judge other people's choices. However, this discussion has prompt me thinking about what ought to be the priority for us. Life is too short, occupation and money are only temporary. If we feel that love, marriage, and family should be our priority, then I'm sure husband and wife would try to make every effort not to separate too long, because that's ultimately detrimental to our marriages and our emotions. just to share my humble thoughts.

[edrifter]

Thank you all so much for sharing your personal stories and inputs!

It's easy for those pundits to say whayever they want to say, but hard for the couples who are separated in real life due to different reasons. A friend of mine headed back to China a couple of years ago seeking for career satisfaction, and left the working wife, along with three kids aging from 1 to 6, behind in this country. The family suffers greatly from this separation while he enjoys his professional success. I don't blame him for leaving, yet I don't want to see the family undergoing this endless torment, either. It is a real dilemma that no one can give a justified answer.

Well, hope things will eventually work out for everybody, whatever the circumstance are. :)))

Have a great weekend!

[GG2006]

Such separation could eventually fail the marriage, especially for western people. That’s also why they’re not willing to work or travel overseas (sure, there are other obvious reasons like guys seeking fantasy). Don’t forget the fundamentals.

[chinacafe]

If husbands went to china for business, the wives in US will have nightmare, many examples, like ...

[walkitalki]

My husband and I live apart quite often, sometimes as long as half a year without seeing each other. Thanks to the cheap long distance telephone services we talk almost twice a day. At first we were not used to it and now we seem to adjust ourselves better to this life style and tend to talk less often. I am not saying living apart is a good choice. It is just a choice of no choices. I don't know what's going to be next but I am ready for whatever is going to happen. I still think physical intimacy is a must between the married couple to maintain the long term relationship.

[brabra]

My wife ahd I have been lived in 2 states for the past 10 years, yes, it's painful but what I can't do? I thought about to separate for good, but there is something which I just can't throw it away. Well, it's life, someone is lucky, others, I don't knowor I can't say.

[Daisy2008]

表麵上好象很好，其實是一種逃避。長久下去隻會雙方越來越疏遠。

[edrifter]

回複jwayne_1的評論:

Cultural value might offer an explanation for that. Thanks you for the thought.

[edrifter]

回複wenjuyuan的評論:

Thank you so much for sharing your thought, bro! “Love and Marriage, they go together like a horse and carriage.” It’s a witty statement. ：））

[edrifter]

回複慧慧的評論:

難怪人們把新加坡看作亞洲的“天堂國家”。無疑是吸收人才的最佳選擇。隻是可惜這種高福利政策不是每個國家都可以負擔的起。：））

[edrifter]

回複melly的評論:

Yeah, the article caught me by surprise as I assumed that there won’t be so many Americans living a long distance relationship life, since the society emphasizes so much on the family value.

[jwayne_1]

from my limited data, this phenomena occurs in chinese families much more often.

[wenjuyuan]

Love and Marriage, Love and Marriage, they go together like
a horse and carriage. These, I tell you, brother, you can't have one without the other."

[慧慧]

新加坡這裏一些政府研究機構的做法──對於前來這裏工作的外國人（包括入了美籍/澳籍的中國人），給予相應津貼（住房津貼，孩子教育津貼等），鼓勵他們舉家前來，做法非常人道友善，更有利社會穩定團結。

[melly]

Obviously, it is not a unique phenomena occurring in Chinese families. Long distance relationship is not an ideal state. However, maybe it is a new style of marriage in new age and new society. I did not understand why many Chinese couples lead a separate life even both of them were working in the States before. Now I start to understand. The reason is just like what the report describes.

Marriage is an art. So is occupation, I guess.

Thanks for sharing, really a good topic.