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海倫是我班上的學生，中文班的。海倫是個ABC，班上其實還有另外兩個ABC，其中一個還是混血，但是海倫還是不時的引起我的注意。她有一點胖胖的，大大的眼睛，給我的感覺她很善解人意。但她似乎有一點自卑，叫自己“小胖子”。我自己的嚴苛教法和直言不諱的個性往往和這些美國小孩們有衝突，或者說總體上和美國文化不時有很強烈的衝突。而海倫總是在那樣的時候小聲的在同學中間解釋，我能聽得到“美國人認為。。。，可是中國人就認為。。。”，心裏還是很感激她。雖然我並不介意美國孩子們心裏不爽，因為我甚至覺得我作為老師的嚴格和批評也是中國文化的一部分，（其實，我自己也有很多改變，但這裏先不說我的問題。）但我發現海倫自己似乎並不太願意說中文，而且即便是在課上的口語測驗她也是唯唯諾諾的發聲，不情也不願。還有一次她提到現在自己和男朋友住，很久沒和父母聯係，因為很難和他們相處。
我一直都覺得如果你想要學好一種語言就要大膽自信的去說，當然那種熱愛永遠是原動力，這個孩子就是這麽飄飄忽忽的上著我的課。也許在我內心裏對於ABC的孩子們也有某種“偏見”，你是中國人，你來學中文，本來就應該學好（這真的是我的偏見，應該糾正。）事實上也卻如此，每一年都有幾個這樣的學生不用說他們都是A，甚至其他美國學生都不和他們比較，說起來就是They are Chinese。這真的不公平。這些孩子們的努力沒有被充分肯定，要知道中文難就難在書寫。海倫在他們中間一點都不出色，成績平平。今天課上又發生文化碰撞，又讓我注意到了她。
口語測驗的題目是為一個朋友慶祝生日，兩人相約如何準備，從禮物，活動安排到給大家指路去舞會場所。我打分要求每一點都要講到，有一個男孩子在最後部分指路部分說“我是你的鄰居，”從而省去了費力氣的指路過程。我當時的第一反應就是，這孩子真夠滑頭的，指路是我剛剛學過的語法點確實很繁瑣，不過這樣有點偷懶。當然下邊的學生還沒聽懂呢，我解釋後，他們紛紛說 that is smart. 估計都後悔自己怎麽沒想到。不太對勁，我於是隻能說：That is cunningly smart not honestly smart. besides, not fulfill the requirements. 然後還有人再談結果還不是一樣，又來了實用主義。這時海倫又在那裏解釋著。之後，海倫又是那樣唯唯諾諾的做了她的對話。下課後我找到了她。
me：你想說中文還是英文？
helen：都可以。
me：你介意我問你，你為什麽說中文的時候那麽小聲，似乎你不喜歡？？
helen：我說的不好，我沒有自信。
me：我覺得你說的不錯呀！
helen：我不知道，我是中國人，我應該說好可是我說得不好。
me：那你自己喜歡學嗎？為什麽選這門課呢？
helen：我是中國人呀。
me：小的時候爸爸媽媽教過嗎？
helen：沒有，從來沒有，我們說cantonese.
me:哦，我知道了，你的廣東話很好，在家裏都說廣東話？
helen：也不是，我媽媽認為我是美國人，她隻有生氣的時候才給我說cantonese。我的弟弟妹妹都不會說中文。
我開始覺得這裏有問題了。
me：媽媽怎麽認為你是美國人？那你覺得呢？
helen：我不知道，you know, here, (她開始說英文了。) you know Chink? people think you are lower race. they hate Chinese.
me: i know chink. why do you think they hate Chinese?
helen: they think Chinese are smart and hard-working..... why would you.....
me: aren't those good qualities? aren't you proud of being part of that goodness?
helen: maybe somewhere else, but here people hate Chinese, of course they hate black... they kill black people... i am scared, i don't want that happen to me..
海倫有些激動起來，臉紅紅的，眼淚在打轉。
me: Do you mind if i ask something about your family?
helen: no.
me: what do your parents do?
helen: my dad is a doctor, my mom helps with his office.
me: do you know what they think of being Chinese?
helen: he is not proud of that either. you know where we live, people think you are lower race... they hate you.
她哭了，我站起身抱住她。（心裏好難過）
me: is your boyfriend a Chinese? （我決定全問）
helen：no, he is Latino, he is a mix， but he is proud of his white side. but he understands.
我站在她的對麵看著這個19歲的小女孩，心裏有一本書那麽多的話要講
me: Helen, listen to me. How they think of Chinese is not important; what matters is how you think of Chinese and how you think of yourself. Yes, you are an American citizen, but still you were born to Chinese parents. I mean it is fine if you are not interested in Chinese culture, you have your other passion. but don't let how others think of you bother you so much. don't be afraid. you are who you are. this you can't change. people can think in their own way but you can prove them wrong.
helen: they don't care.
me: it's okay. i probably shouldn't tell you these. you see there are so many people now start to take Chinese class, and all they think is to go to China and make money, i mean, at least 2/3 of them. but i tell you. what they see is just a superficial China, economic boom, markets... that's not China. what really sustains China is the culture and its long history. like you just mentioned people are smart, hardworking, i would add honesty and sensitivity. there are many Chinese who have forgotten these as well. but that is alright. what stays will keep staying. you should be proud of having the blood of all those goodness.
helen: that would be better if i were at New York, here.....
me: well, you do what you do. stand up at least for yourself if necessary. try to start from talking to your parents.
由於時間我們結束了談話，我不知道是不是能幫助她，我知道問題沒有這麽簡單，問題的根源似乎也不在孩子這裏。這裏的爸爸媽媽們，你們都是怎麽教自己的孩子的，你們又怎樣定義自己呢？這些孩子們的身份困擾甚至是內心的恐懼對他們的生活，甚至一生都有影響。一個人對於自己來自的那種文化沒有自豪感，甚至沒有最基本的認同會導致這個人沒有安全感，沒有歸屬感，精神和內心都會承受負擔。
美國並不是白人的美國，也不是黑人的美國，而中國也不是今天的拜金主義和道德淪喪。堅守你心裏的信仰做好自己，你就是你的文化的一部分。
我一直都覺得如果你想要學好一種語言就要大膽自信的去說，當然那種熱愛永遠是原動力，這個孩子就是這麽飄飄忽忽的上著我的課。也許在我內心裏對於ABC的孩子們也有某種“偏見”，你是中國人，你來學中文，本來就應該學好（這真的是我的偏見，應該糾正。）事實上也卻如此，每一年都有幾個這樣的學生不用說他們都是A，甚至其他美國學生都不和他們比較，說起來就是They are Chinese。這真的不公平。這些孩子們的努力沒有被充分肯定，要知道中文難就難在書寫。海倫在他們中間一點都不出色，成績平平。今天課上又發生文化碰撞，又讓我注意到了她。
口語測驗的題目是為一個朋友慶祝生日，兩人相約如何準備，從禮物，活動安排到給大家指路去舞會場所。我打分要求每一點都要講到，有一個男孩子在最後部分指路部分說“我是你的鄰居，”從而省去了費力氣的指路過程。我當時的第一反應就是，這孩子真夠滑頭的，指路是我剛剛學過的語法點確實很繁瑣，不過這樣有點偷懶。當然下邊的學生還沒聽懂呢，我解釋後，他們紛紛說 that is smart. 估計都後悔自己怎麽沒想到。不太對勁，我於是隻能說：That is cunningly smart not honestly smart. besides, not fulfill the requirements. 然後還有人再談結果還不是一樣，又來了實用主義。這時海倫又在那裏解釋著。之後，海倫又是那樣唯唯諾諾的做了她的對話。下課後我找到了她。
me：你想說中文還是英文？
helen：都可以。
me：你介意我問你，你為什麽說中文的時候那麽小聲，似乎你不喜歡？？
helen：我說的不好，我沒有自信。
me：我覺得你說的不錯呀！
helen：我不知道，我是中國人，我應該說好可是我說得不好。
me：那你自己喜歡學嗎？為什麽選這門課呢？
helen：我是中國人呀。
me：小的時候爸爸媽媽教過嗎？
helen：沒有，從來沒有，我們說cantonese.
me:哦，我知道了，你的廣東話很好，在家裏都說廣東話？
helen：也不是，我媽媽認為我是美國人，她隻有生氣的時候才給我說cantonese。我的弟弟妹妹都不會說中文。
我開始覺得這裏有問題了。
me：媽媽怎麽認為你是美國人？那你覺得呢？
helen：我不知道，you know, here, (她開始說英文了。) you know Chink? people think you are lower race. they hate Chinese.
me: i know chink. why do you think they hate Chinese?
helen: they think Chinese are smart and hard-working..... why would you.....
me: aren't those good qualities? aren't you proud of being part of that goodness?
helen: maybe somewhere else, but here people hate Chinese, of course they hate black... they kill black people... i am scared, i don't want that happen to me..
海倫有些激動起來，臉紅紅的，眼淚在打轉。
me: Do you mind if i ask something about your family?
helen: no.
me: what do your parents do?
helen: my dad is a doctor, my mom helps with his office.
me: do you know what they think of being Chinese?
helen: he is not proud of that either. you know where we live, people think you are lower race... they hate you.
她哭了，我站起身抱住她。（心裏好難過）
me: is your boyfriend a Chinese? （我決定全問）
helen：no, he is Latino, he is a mix， but he is proud of his white side. but he understands.
我站在她的對麵看著這個19歲的小女孩，心裏有一本書那麽多的話要講
me: Helen, listen to me. How they think of Chinese is not important; what matters is how you think of Chinese and how you think of yourself. Yes, you are an American citizen, but still you were born to Chinese parents. I mean it is fine if you are not interested in Chinese culture, you have your other passion. but don't let how others think of you bother you so much. don't be afraid. you are who you are. this you can't change. people can think in their own way but you can prove them wrong.
helen: they don't care.
me: it's okay. i probably shouldn't tell you these. you see there are so many people now start to take Chinese class, and all they think is to go to China and make money, i mean, at least 2/3 of them. but i tell you. what they see is just a superficial China, economic boom, markets... that's not China. what really sustains China is the culture and its long history. like you just mentioned people are smart, hardworking, i would add honesty and sensitivity. there are many Chinese who have forgotten these as well. but that is alright. what stays will keep staying. you should be proud of having the blood of all those goodness.
helen: that would be better if i were at New York, here.....
me: well, you do what you do. stand up at least for yourself if necessary. try to start from talking to your parents.
由於時間我們結束了談話，我不知道是不是能幫助她，我知道問題沒有這麽簡單，問題的根源似乎也不在孩子這裏。這裏的爸爸媽媽們，你們都是怎麽教自己的孩子的，你們又怎樣定義自己呢？這些孩子們的身份困擾甚至是內心的恐懼對他們的生活，甚至一生都有影響。一個人對於自己來自的那種文化沒有自豪感，甚至沒有最基本的認同會導致這個人沒有安全感，沒有歸屬感，精神和內心都會承受負擔。
美國並不是白人的美國，也不是黑人的美國，而中國也不是今天的拜金主義和道德淪喪。堅守你心裏的信仰做好自己，你就是你的文化的一部分。
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