分析學生習作，談如何輔導孩子寫作 （ZT)

這 是一篇SAMPLE。其實，去年我REVIEW過好一些孩子的COLLEGE ESSAYS，其中好幾篇寫得相當出色，不過，未經人家家長的同意，我無權貼出來。現在貼出來的這一篇，是一位7年級學生的IN CLASS ESSAY，我曾緊急打電話CALL伊媽媽，得到了她的CONSENT。The Ethical Correctness of Juror EightWhen it comes to deciding whether or not the eighth juror was right in convincing others that the boy was innocent, some may have it that the eighth juror was wrong. Nevertheless, in my part, I agree with juror eight’s actions as my inclination. Even with my knowledge of the boy’s guilt, I believe that declaring him guilty is not a realistic option, based on the information that the jurors had received to make a close analysis of the case. Among countless factors which influence the eighth juror’s correctness, there are three conspicuous aspects as follows.One of the primary causes is that the eighth juror did not possess any bias when deciding on the boy’s innocence. The book explicitly stated that the eighth juror did not know the boy before, did not illegally favor the boy, and further had nothing to gain from either decision. Instead, his basic conditions were proper for an impartial decision of innocence.A more essential factor why I advocate the argument that the eighth juror acted morally and ethically correctly is that he used logic and conducted simulations to deduce his case, basing everything on the evidence available to him and the other jurors. For example, he found that the alleged timings involved in the crime were impossible by reconstructing the crime, making the testimony of the old man invalid. In addition, he reasoned that in accordance with the how the murder was committed, the boy had to alternate between being smart and stupid at superhuman speeds. Last, he took the nature of humans—to not wear glasses in bed—and therefore disproved the testimony of the woman against the boy. All reliable evidences point to one saying, that is that the eighth juror’s decision is reasonable.Other than what I have already mentioned, there is a further more important point we must consider. Juror eight followed the law for court decision as dictated by the Constitution. According to the Constitution, a person put on trial is assumed innocent until there is sufficient evidence to show that he or she is guilty. Even if there is not enough evidence to show that a person is guilty, that does not mean the person has been proved innocent. For example, ten years ago, Michael Jackson was charged with harassing children. However, because there was not enough evidence to disclose any guilt, his case was dismissed. Since juror eight found that there was not enough strong evidence to show that the boy was guilty, by persuading the other jurors of his innocence, juror eight was deciding legally.Admittedly, common sense tells us that by convincing the other jurors to turn the guilty boy loose, juror eight is causing a major danger to human society. However, did the jurors possess, at the time of the trial, absolute knowledge of the boy’s guilt? Since the boy was not shown to be guilty, if he had been executed, it will cause malicious consequences: a dissatisfaction of people’s hearts, instability in the order of society, and a retrogression of human civilization in general. Moreover, freely executing people who are not shown to be guilty is a violation of natural human rights. Life is the most precious thing of all, endowed to everybody by their Creator, and if such a priceless gift is taken for granted, what will we amount to on this earth? Absolutely nothing!Recognizing the fact that Juror Eight had no bias during the case, used logical thinking to help him work out a reasonable conclusion, and followed legal procedures to determine the boy’s innocence, should drive us to conclude that he has made the appropriate and ethical decision in persuading the other jurors to change their votes. Since there is not significant evidence that the boy is guilty, we have to strongly commit to the notion of juror eight and agree with his actions.[評語]和部分家長座談孩子寫作。下麵言歸正傳，談談The Ethical Correctness of Juror Eight這篇習作。這篇作文，是一位7年級男孩子的英文課上的WRITING ASSESSMENT TEST ESSAY，是他年級裏的僅有的兩篇滿分作文中的其中一份。這篇文章的長處在哪裏呢？首先，這篇文章最成功之處，在於它的寫作架構和全篇布局。正如大家已經清楚看到的，它很清晰地把全文分成了三大板塊：1、INTRODUCTION；2、 BODY PART；3、CLOSING。在INTRODUCTION中，三句話，他開門見山地亮出了議題，並表明了自己的立場和全文的主旨，且引出上文下理。在文章的主幹PART裏，他先采用三個分論點及例證，正麵地SUPPORT並論證文章的中心思想，彈無虛發，有的放矢；然後，他後退一步，以守為攻，反擊 可能有的CON。這樣以來，文章正反論證，兩相輝映，邏輯嚴密，從而完成了整個的論證過程。在文章的結尾處，作者強調並總結自己的觀點，較於開篇起首，更深一步，並一氣嗬成，遙相呼應。至此，全文層次清晰，大功告成，滴水不漏。其次，這篇習作的另一個特點在於，內容上，貫穿全文，主旨突出，觀點材料新穎，推理嚴密，行文簡練。事實上，正如有家長所說的，這是一篇根據著名的 Play劇本 Twelve Angry Men 而做議論的開放式的話題作文。文章的論點如下：1、The eighth juror did not possess any bias when deciding on the boy’s innocence. 2、The eighth juror acted morally and ethically correctly because he used logic and conducted simulations to deduce the case, basing everything on the evidence available to him and the other jurors. 3、Juror eight followed the law for court decision as dictated by the Constitution. 如果大家讀過這個劇本，就會看到，這篇習作，沒有一個分論點是直接從原著中照搬過來的；他根據作品進行分析、歸納，尤其BASED ON他這個年齡的有限的法律知識，將美國憲法加以理解並運用於這個CASE裏，是非常出色、有理有據有創意的。而且，這篇文章如大家所看到的，其例證緊密 聯係現實生活，Michael Jackson的例子，寓意深長地成為了此案的一個記號和注腳，材料處理頗有亮點。這篇習作的論點步步緊扣，在邏輯運用上嚴密有致，疏密有序，不平均使用 筆墨，整體BALANCE，重點突出。有意思的是，作文裏很小心地使用了“show”和“prove” 等字眼 ，從而，從法律的角度和邏輯推理的空間，微妙地表現了其內在的張力和不引人注意的些微的差異。說到這裏，回答家長的問題：重量級的論據是放在第一個，還是放在後麵？回答：越重要的論點，越放在後麵。我們可能都曾聽到過這樣一個短語：“ Last but not least” ；我要說的是，這是典型的cliché！總之，這篇文章，無論其觀點的闡述，還是其結構的駕馭，寫作規則與思想創新並舉，可以說，是一篇訓練有素、相對於他的年級而言，相當成熟老練的文章。二那麽，這篇文章的缺點在哪裏呢？它最大的缺點，正如大家所指出的，作者在前言中沒有對 Twelve Angry Men (Play) 做必要的background的簡介，甚至未提及作品的名字。他supposed他的讀者局限於他的老師和同學的圈子裏，局限於大家都知道這個故事的前提 之下。這是他行文的稚嫩之處。另外，正如一些朋友看見的那樣，這篇習作有些地方顯得wordy。其實，在英文寫作中，永遠的，最powerful的句子是short sentence，而不是long sentence，就像寫作中最powerful的詞是verb，而不是adjective或adverb！老師之所以沒追他這兩點，我猜想的話，可能還 是基於他的年級的LEVEL和他的整體的運用文字的能力罷。因為，事實上，他的總體的遣詞造句和表達能力是非常STRONG的，可以看得出來他的優秀的英 文功底和水平。正如我前麵提到的，這是一篇滿分作文；當討論至此時，不知我們家長們是否已經意識到了，其實我們對於孩子的寫作要求，與老師的評判標準，某種意義上，是有 差別的。這提醒我們，老師最看重的是什麽，能夠要求的不同年級孩子的寫作的最高標準是什麽？三最後，篇幅有限，我隻能一般性地就孩子寫作給大家一點原則性的意見，僅供參考。我先要說，中文式的寫作和英文式的寫作，其最大的區別是什麽？其實，它們最大的區別並不在乎於語言的內涵的差別，而是體現於語言外在形式上的迥異。換言 之，無論一篇優美的文章，抑或那膾炙人口的世界名著，人所共賞，絕對的，語言僅僅隻是作為它的載體與符號，而語言的實質，人類共通，是一樣的。我要對大家 說的是，大家要自信，隻要你能在寫作思路上引導孩子，那麽，這對你的孩子來講，已經足夠足夠了；至於那具體的英文的遣詞造句，Don’t worry about that！對於我們這些不是native speaker的人而言，永遠的，我們不可能具體表達得比我們的孩子更地道，因此，just ignore such unrealistic thoughts of changing our children’s essay diction, ，盡你的所能，全力以赴，去幫助孩子。具體的，俺家的作文寶典略提以下幾點：1、教會你的孩子審題，免得他/她“下筆千言，離題萬裏”。如何審題呢？首先要學會審內容，題目要求我們寫什麽，我們就寫什麽。舉例吧，一篇記敘文，我們 得教孩子明白，這篇作文的要求是什麽？要記人，還是要敘事？寫人的話，是寫一個人呢，還是寫兩個或一群人？敘事的話，是敘述一件事呢，還是敘述幾件事？其 次，教會孩子審清寫作重點。同是敘述一件事，《一件重要的事》和《一件難忘的事》這兩個文題的寫作重點是不一樣的。隻有抓住重點，才能把握住文章所要表達 的關鍵，從而選材才有範圍，組材才有目標。還有，對於一個孩子，您必須從小訓練他/她學會抓keyword，抓“題眼”，進行有程序的思考和分析，這是相 當重要的。比如，寫《記對我影響很重要的一個人》這個大學ESSAY的題目吧，按常規審題的程序是：A、這道題寫作的對象是記一個人。 B、必須記他/她對我如何地重要。 C、必須記他/她對我那些影響重要的事。 D、記敘因著他/她的影響，對我而來的意義。 E、這道題的文章體裁是：記敘文。給幾道練習題吧，問問孩子：比較下列兩組作文題，指出不同的寫作重點。(1) a．我的小學 b．我所愛的小學 c．我在小學的日子 (2) a．為好朋友Jasen說句話 b．讓好朋友Jasen說句話 c．對好朋友Jasen說句話2、要寫好作文，要幫助孩子學會“化大為小” 、“以小見大”和行文當中張揚他/她的個性。什麽叫“化大為小”？指寫作中，要學會以問領寫，以問帶寫，轉換孩子作文中的TOPIC至一具體的範圍，從而 使你孩子寫的東西具有現實性、典型性和針對性，切忌“麵麵俱到”，但強調有的放矢，“一針見血”。什麽叫“以小見大”？你孩子的作文永遠不要隻停留在記人 敘事議論的表麵階段，行文最後，一定得帶出他/她的思想、理解與體會，要能使他/她的文章最後有亮點，上升到一種境界。至於文章要張顯個性，一、開放式的 作文，不要以擺代議，複製原話題，而需要個人的創新和看見。二、文章不要八股，要體現孩子的個性與風格。比如那篇習作，“Life is the most precious thing of all， … and if such a priceless gift is taken for granted, what will we amount to on this earth? Absolutely nothing! ” 以反問代替陳述，充滿悲情，鏗鏘有力，走筆至此，震撼人心！3、注重規範表達。美國中小學生的作文，很多是開放式的作文，體裁不限。但是，自選文體不表示沒有要求，寫作十分忌諱四不像的作文。什麽意思呢？請告訴你 的孩子，在作文裏，風格得保持一致，不論寫哪一種文體，都必須要符合該文體的規範和要求，否則肯定拿不到writing的高分。那麽，具體的操作過程怎樣 呢？一、當你的孩子見到題目後，首先要訓練他/她學會思考：這個開放式的作文，最適和於采用哪一種文體？二、在無文體局限的情況下，他/她又最擅長運用哪 一種文體？三、根據他/她平日所積累的材料，問一問自己：寫記敘文的話，他/她是否有充分的情感內涵的生活素材？寫議論文的話，他/她是否有相關的理論和 論據？寫報告的話，他/她是否有所要寫的知識、DATA上的積存。。。雖然孩子們不要求成為文體專家，但寫他們所容易HANDLE的，其中對於他們的基本 的要求，他們需要FOLLOW。這裏，主要的還是針對孩子作文的一般ABC而論；至於其他，限於篇幅，不複累敘。