Chapter 28: Final Goodbye
Mei came home that night and got down on her knees in front of the bed. The cross chain was hanging serenely on her neck. She looked at her bare left hand where the engagement ring use to be, instead of the sense of loss she felt relieved and peaceful. She brought her hands together, pressing the little silver cross in between her palms and prayed:
“Dear God, if you exist, please hear my prayers… I am so thankful for Dan; I thank you for bringing him into my life. I pray that you would give him a good wife, one that loves him so much; one that will build a beautiful life with him; I pray that you have your angels watch over him and bring him happiness…
“God I pray for my father. Please God, let him wake up so he can see me. Please God if you can, bring him back to me. I am so scared… I don’t want to say goodbye yet, I don’t want to lose him. God can you please help me to be strong, help my family to get through this! I beg you God open a door for us, comfort our hearts, God please…
“God I can’t do this alone anymore, I am so tired… can I just give everything to you? Can you take care of everything for me? I am so tired, seems like no matter how hard I try I always mess things up and cause pain in others lives… I don’t want to do this anymore, please God, help me…”
Mei felt asleep on the side of her bed. She wasn’t sure whether she had a dream that night of a bright light, standing right next to her, she felt so unworthy that she started to cry, then the light touched her and all the guilt was gone, she felt peace, light and the hope that had been lost in her a long time ago.
The next morning before going back to the hospital, Mei told her mother about what happened with Dan. ShuLin’s looked at her daughter with nothing but compassion and support, and slowly she said: “You did the right thing, Mama is proud of you. Are you feeling Ok?”
Mei nodded back: “Yes, I am OK. I just couldn’t keep lying to myself and lying to him like that anymore. He’s a good man and he deserves someone that truly loves him.”
“What are you going to do with the other guy? What’s his name? What does he do?” ShuLin was glad to see Mei being able to make the difficult decision. As a mother however, she was still concerned with Mei’s future.
“Like I said Ma, he’s engaged… I already made a mistake of almost ruining one person’s life; I am absolutely NOT going to do anything that will jeopardize another’s.” Mei made that very clear, she did not break up with Dan to run into Jesse’s arms, she did it for her own conscience.
“Mei… you are a good girl. You will meet the right guy one day. Mama believes that in my heart.” ShuLin didn’t push her anymore; she understood how vulnerable Mei was right now. She gently patted Mei’s hair like she always did and only hoped that it would bring comfort and encouragement to her where she most needed it.
Mei’s Dad looked the same with no signs of waking up or getting worse. Mei spent all day telling him everything that was going on in her life. She told him about Dan, about Jesse, about her struggles and asked for his advice. She believed that her Dad was able to hear her every word, and hoped he was comforted by her decision.
“Ba, I know you heard everything I said and I hope I have not disappointed you.” Mei held his hand and tried to see if there were any movement on his face that would indicate a response, and there was nothing. As the visiting hour was drawing to an end, Mei carefully pulled up the bed sheet to cover her Dad’s arm, just as she was about to let go of his hand, she felt a light squeeze. “Ba?” Mei quickly turned her head to look at her Dad, and saw his eye lids almost blinked.
“Nurse! Nurse!” Mei was so excited and yelled towards the hallway. She grabbed his hand tightly and called: “Ba, Ba, can you hear me?” She felt another movement from his fingers, and she saw his eyes slowly opening up.
By this time the nurses and doctors had hurried into the room and told Mei to wait outside so they could do their jobs. Mei saw her Dad’s eyes looking upward but wasn’t sure if he was able to see her before she was rushed out into the hallway.
She watched from the glass window on the door as the doctors started taking all different kinds of vitals and examinations on her Dad. The first excitement was soon replaced by worry and fear as Mei saw the numbers on the medical equipment jumping all over the place and nurses running in and out of the room with their facial expressions revealing nothing but serious concerns.
Mei called her mother and sisters and soon everyone was gathered outside the room. After what seemed like an eternity, a doctor finally came out and stood in front of them only to deliver news no one was ready to hear: “I am sorry, we did our best… He did not suffer and went peacefully. I am so sorry for your loss; you can go in to say your goodbye now.”
Mei couldn’t move for a second as her family ran inside. Even though this was something that she had been anticipating all along, when it really hit reality, the impact only exceeded every expectation and mercilessly swallowed her into complete darkness.
She watched as her sisters wailing around her Dad’s bed and her mother leaning on his lifeless body sobbing silently. She wanted to cry so bad but couldn’t. All in a sudden, all sounds disappeared and she felt like she was watching a black and white film right in front of her eyes as a blanket of peace gently coming over her, covering and surrounding her broken heartedness. She looked at her dad’s face, it was pale and grey but peaceful, and she could almost see a slight smile. Somehow Mei sensed in her heart that he left knowing his daughter was going to be all right.
A week after the funeral, Mei made sure her mother was ok and well taken care of in her sisters’ hands before she boarded the plane to come back to US. It was the beginning of December, and the holiday spirit had already spread around into every corner of Raleigh like wild fire. Mei felt like she had been gone for years. She tried to send Jesse an email informing him of her return but didn’t get any replies back. She wondered whether the CMCS project was going well and started feeling a little stressed out already about the mountains of stuff to catch up with.
Monday came, as Mei stepped into the D&W office building for the first time in over a month, she immediately sensed something was not quiet right. None of her team members were in their cubical; the area where they used to sit was completely empty. She walked over to Jesse’s office and saw the door was closed with the light off. Mr. Carson’s office was the same. Even their name tags were gone from the wall. Her first thought of them all in a meeting somewhere was quickly dissolved when she remembered the surprise and empathy from a few people’s faces when they walked pass her in the hall way. She knew something went wrong, terribly wrong.
She almost ran back to her desk and dialed their Admin Tracy’s number; she was so relieved that it was picked up after only one ring: “Hi Tracy, this is Mei. How are you?”
“Mei? You are back?” Tracy sounded surprised to hear her voice on the phone; she paused for a second but then quickly whispered: “Mei, you need to call Ms. Patterson from HR right away. I am so sorry about this.”
That confirmed Mei’s intuition, she scrambled to dial the number, made an appointment and walked into Ms. Patterson’s office only to find a big yellow envelop sitting on the desk with her name written on top.
