When we read about communicating with someone with borderline personality disorder, we lean what we're supposed to say and not supposed to say. As it turns out, all the techniques we memorize may matter less than our body language, which communicates a whopping 93% of our attitudes and beliefs about something.
Back in the 1970s and 1980s, pioneering professor Albert Mehrabian conducted research that would forever change the way we look at interpersonal communication. He discovered that we overwhelmingly deduce our feelings, attitudes, and beliefs about what someone says not by the words spoken but by body language and tone of voice.
His research showed that we convey a puny seven percent of our attitudes and beliefs through the actual words we speak. The rest--a whopping 93 percent--comes from our tone of voice (38 percent) and our facial expressions (55 percent).
Furthermore, if our words and body language disagree, listeners will believe the nonverbal communication, not our words.
Without nonverbal cues, all we're left with, essentially, is e-mail--a method so fraught with the possibility of miscommunication that we had to invent the "language" of emoticons to make sure we're not misunderstood. (For example, typing a sly wink ;) shows we're just kidding.) I don't know about you, but that's gotten me into trouble more than once.
Research is starting to suggest that people with borderline personality disorder are better able to read subtle changes in the facial expressions of others. In fact, adolescent psychiatrist Blaise Aguirre says that people with BPD can appear to be incredibly attuned to nonverbal communication to the point where others remark on their intuitiveness.
And what aspect of body language speaks most loudly? A February, 2010 article in the New York Times says it may be touch.
Momentary touches, the experts say - whether an exuberant high five, a warm hand on the shoulder, or a creepy touch to the arm - can communicate an even wider range of emotion than gestures or expressions, and sometimes do so more quickly and accurately than words.
Nonverbal communication is one of the most powerful--and simplest--ways to communicate with your family member. You can use it by itself to reinforce your verbal message or to correct a mistaken impression.
Remember that when it comes to attitudes and beliefs, your body speaks louder than words. Be aware that your body is always communicating something. Make sure you're "saying" what you mean to.
Randi Kreger
(A portion of this article appears in my book, The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells)
