5 Ways to Start Letting Go

Discover what’s holding you back—and how to get to your good place

By Susan Crandell Posted July 07, 2010 from Woman’s Day August 2010

Photo: © Shutterstock

“Letting go is all about adjusting your mindset,” says Pam Peeke, MD, MPH, assistant clinical professor of medicine at the University of Maryland and author of Body for Life for Women. “It starts to happen when the pain of being who and where you are exceeds the work you must do to let go,” says Dr. Peeke. “Once you stop saying ‘but’ and start saying ‘and,’ you’re ready.”

For example, you used to say, “I hate my job, but I don’t have time to look for a new one.” Now you’re saying, “I hate my job, and I’ve rewritten my resume.”

Letting go not only helps you move closer to change, it also has a positive impact on your health. “When you’re holding on to something or stuck in a situation, your body holds on to that anxiety and is in a perpetual state of fight-or-flight—which can do serious damage to your health,” says Dr. Peeke. Constant anxiety ups your heart rate, blood pressure and even the production of stomach acid: Research shows people who are under constant stress have a twofold increase in GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease). Research has also established that chronically elevated blood pressure also increases your risk of a heart attack.

“But when the anxiety dissipates, the physical benefits happen within seconds,” explains Dr. Peeke. “Your heart rate drops, as does your blood pressure, and every system of your body that was reacting to the overproduction of stress hormones relaxes.” So how do you actually let go? Follow this roadmap.

Disarm Fight-or-Flight

“You can’t let go if you’re anchored in fear,” says Kay Cannon, an executive coach in Lexington, Kentucky. “We may feel frustrated or confused or overwhelmed, but it all distills down to fear. And when you’re afraid, your body’s fight-or-flight reaction is in overdrive.” To let go of fear, you have to identify the mindset that’s driving it. “Often people don’t make connections and walk around wondering,Why am I so frustrated?" says Dr. Peeke. “You have to make an inventory of stress to pinpoint what’s causing your fear. Write down everything that’s bugging you and try to understand where it’s coming from.”

Say you’re overwhelmed by the demands of a new baby and you feel like you’re a bad mother. Ask yourself, “Is this really true?” Probably not. Consider all the parenting knowledge you have and the network of people you can call on to help.

Acknowledge that being a new mom is hard, and that just because you’re not loving every minute of it doesn’t mean you can’t do it well.

Or say you want to leave your job for something totally different but can’t imagine what else you’d be good at. Think about how your skills might translate into another job; seek the advice of a career coach; talk to friends about making the change and find out if they know anyone who could help guide you. “Once you learn to trust yourself to handle a situation, it turns off the stress response system,” Cannon says. (Photo by iStockphoto.)

Step Back

To let go of a mindset or a situation, pull back and go through your emotions about it. Observing something instead of living it allows you to step away from the action and see more clearly how you feel.

Say you’re angry with a friend who always breaks lunch dates at the last minute. You’ve already told her that it annoys you, but her behavior doesn’t change. Rather than react, “work through your internal emotions,” advises Martha Beck, PhD, author of Steering by Starlight: Find Your Right Life No Matter What!

You love your friend but can’t stand the behavior. Is it worth suffering through her behavior to keep her friendship? Would the loss of her friendship be greater than the annoyance of her actions? “Taking yourself out of the situation can help you come to a place where you can let go of your negative emotions and make a clear-headed decision about what to do,” says Dr. Beck.

Diane Brennan, president of Brennan Associates, an executive and life coaching firm in Tucson, Arizona, calls it “the 30,000-foot look.” A woman she was coaching felt angry because she wasn’t getting the promotion she felt she deserved. “When she stopped fixating on the fact that she wasn’t being recognized, she realized that her resentment was draining her and negatively affecting her relationships, personal and professional,” says Brennan. Observing the emotion for a moment instead of living it finally enabled her to let go of—and move past—her anger.

“She then took inventory of what she was doing at (and after) work and realized she wasn’t taking very good care of herself,” says Brennan. “So she made a conscious This made her interactions with coworkers more positive and helped her approach her boss in a calm, candid way to discuss her career path. She didn’t get the promotion, but she did renegotiate her job duties, which made her feel happier and more in control of the situation.” (Photo by Shutterstock.)

Pinpoint Your Roadblocks 

We all have emotions and mental habits that stop us from letting go. Guilt, negative self-talk, always striving for perfection and ruminating are common ones for women. And they tend to build on each other. We’re expected to always be taking care of (and worrying about) everyone else. If we focus on ourselves, we often feel guilty.

“A woman I know used doing community service as a way to stop herself from becoming an artist. It was a convenient (and altruistic) excuse to avoid doing what she really wanted to do. She put her ambition on hold because it felt selfish,” says Laura Berman Fortgang, author of Now What? 90 Days to a New Life Direction. “We want to do everything really well: be a parent, be a friend, have a successful and fulfilling career. When that doesn’t happen, we take it out on ourselves, and this can lead to negative self-talk,” says Fortgang.

The solution lies not in going over and over a situation, trying to figure out how to get it right or what went wrong (that is, ruminating), but simply recognizing that you’re dwelling on things, which only makes you feel worse. “Some people think they’ll get closure or be motivated by continually focusing on the negative,” says Robert Leahy, PhD, a clinical professor of psychology at Weill-Cornell University Medical Center in New York City and author of The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping You. “But really it just stops you from moving forward.”

Give yourself a specified amount of time (say, 24 hours) to go over a problem or situation. When time’s up, so is the ruminating, the guilt, the negative self-talk. (Photo by Shutterstock.)

Remember, The Only Person You Can Change is Yourself 

You may have heard this one before, but it’s really crucial to getting in the mindset to let go. And it leads to a big benefit: feeling in control. Maybe you’ve struggled for years, trying to break your family of the little habits that drive you crazy, whether it’s your husband leaving a trail of dirty laundry across the bedroom floor, or a sullen tween who’d rather slam a door than talk to you. You may not be able to reform them, but you can let go of (and control) the anger and frustration you feel about it.

Start Small

A change in mindset doesn’t happen overnight—little changes lead to big ones. Dr. Leahy recommends starting by scheduling some stress or worry time every day. “If you have a negative thought at 10 a.m., say to yourself, I’ll set aside that thought and come back to it during my worry time later tonight,” he explains. “You’ve just let go of that thought. Yes, you’re going to come back to it, but you didn’t let it take over. Doing this helps you practice letting go in a small way every day.” (Photo by Shutterstock.)

4 Small Changes to Make Today

1. Embrace the mantra "don’t worry, be happy." Yearning for a new job, a new house? Consider your circumstances. You may find that you’re grateful for and content with what you already have.

2. Take a joy test. Home in on the little things that’ll make you happy by finishing these sentences: “I’ve always wanted to…” or “I’d love to…” Think about what’s doable. Maybe you’ve always wanted to speak Spanish or enter a 5K race. Then take steps to weave those things into your life.

3. Make things better right now. Feeling sad because a good friend has moved away? You can’t follow her, but you can stay in touch. Make a regular date to call her on Skype.

4. Ignore the peanut gallery. Fear of being judged by others is often what causes us to stew in negative emotions like guilt. “How could she leave her child with a stranger while she works?” “How selfish is she for going out with friends instead of home to her kids!” If family and friends criticize, don’t react instantly with anger. Take a breath and consider where they’re coming from: Often criticisms come from people’s own insecurities. If their comments aren’t constructive, say, “Thanks, but no thanks.” This will help you let go of any guilt and anger toward them. (Photo by Shutterstock.)